DC setting down NY resolutions for me, AIBU?

[BatterednotBruised]

Have Namechanged for this, regular reader, occasional poster but do not want to out myself as feeling very shaky and not sure if aibu or over-reacting.

To give a brief backstory, have 3 x DC (ages 17-26) and have been divorced from their dad for 9 years. Times have been difficult but after many years as a SAHM found a job when exH left me for OW and have worked really hard to keep things ticking over and worked even harder to make sure DC were happy and settled.

Oldest DD who lives at other side of country (stayed in uni town) never calls me first but when I do manage to speak to her, things always seem ok but she can be cold with me which I have tried to address with her, but she clams up. This hurts me a lot, but I make excuses for her in my head and keep hoping it will get better.

Relationship with younger 2 has been easier as they still live with me and we have some good times, or so I thought. Had dinner this evening before I dropped them both off at parties (in opp directions so out for 2 hours) and will be doing the same at 2am to pick up. Over dinner having a light-hearted conversation about NY resolutions and youngest DD said maybe you should try not to be so paranoid and over-emotional about everything. Nervous laughter from DS. He followed up with oh and maybe try not to embarrass us so much and get so involved in our lives.

Although this upset me I hid it well and asked them what they meant and out spilled lots of examples about how I question them too much, and that I can be a killjoy with a long face :( they cant talk to me with problems as I obviously cant cope.

Anyway, dropped them off, came home and now sitting here in shock as had no idea my own DC felt this way but maybe I should have known by how oldest DD treats me? Other people looking in always tell me what a wonderful mother I am to have held things together - exH virtually non-contact - and I feel like I have built myself up to be some kind of hero when obviously I have been selfish and not handled everything half as well as I should have to the people that really matter here.

I know I have to do something about my life, this is NYE and I am alone, no relationship, a fat mess, no friends to spend the evening with either so realise I am having my own self-pity party, but feel so numb and shocked and if I try to talk to them they will say it was only banter (hate that word) or even worse, that I am proving them right by being over-emotional, paranoid, and all the other words they said.

Feel like my whole life is a lie and I am not the person I thought I was this morning so I want to wake up tomorrow and try and address this somehow but not sure where to start. AIBU to ask for some honest opinions here on NYE, they must want me to change right? They are good kids so didnt speak out of spite. How do I undo and rewind, without falling into a huge pit of pity?

Thank you all so much for taking the time out to share and help me with this. I really think I needed the wake-up call as if I dont make some changes, I could end up older and even more alone that I feel now. What I have seen as caring and nurturing has a evil flipside of over-bearing and controlling. I do worry all the time and imagine outrageous scenarios befalling them and they know that. Time to step back and make some meaningful changes.

I carry a lot of guilt as although exH left me, on the day he left he said he had changed his mind and could he stay as I owed it to the kids to try again. He had been having an affair with a 24 year old from work and I was so hurt I said No. He was an emotionally controlling man for most of our time together and I wanted to rebuild a life for us without him putting me down all the time. To this day he blames me for not letting him stay and I think my oldest DD does too. That relationship lasted weeks but he was with someone else within 3 months and is now engaged to someone else completely.

I have crippling financial problems, lost the family home and now rent a very small house but the kids have been fed, kept up hobbies and gone on school trips but they do moan about not being a proper family anymore or living the lifestyle their friends do. Just throwaway comments really. But in my really bad moments I feel awful that I am responsible.

I am a complete blank canvas, people are right about that. There is nothing of me left and I overcompensate with things like lifts at 2am and being the one running around after them and their friends. I do question them about their lives and of course they must feel hemmed in by that and hide things from me.

Today is a new day, a new year. Got up this morning and went for a long walk and left them to sort out their own bacon sandwiches. Just got back and I am in bed with a book and their friends have gone and both are holed up in their rooms. Spoke oldest DD when out as she didnt answer my call yesterday but just wished her a happy new year and talked about a few inane things rather than throw questions and sound hurt.

Thank you so much for helping me to think clearly and recognise my negative traits without over-reacting as I normally would!!

Well done for taking this so positively and starting to make changes already. Please don't blame yourself for not giving your ex-husband another chance. It surprises me reading some of the posts on this forum how many women allow themselves to be treated as doormats by men who don't deserve them.

So you should be proud that you stood up for yourself then. Best of luck in moving forward. Teenagers are all tricky. I know I was myself many years ago. And it was many years later that I understood what an amazing job my mum had done raising two kids with little money after my dad left home.

I do worry all the time and imagine outrageous scenarios befalling them and they know that. And that is where normal concern and worry turns into something unhealthy. I think you do need to see someone. Anxiety? OCD? I think you need to unpick this stuff with a professional.

Good for your kids for being honest and caring enough, about themselves and you, to say something. To those saying stop the lifts at 2am last night, I know why but I certainly don't think these kids should be punished for being honest and talking about their feelings, even if it was blunt and hurtful.

OP, you honestly sound like you've coped incredibly well in unimaginably difficult circumstances. I think you were very strong indeed to stand up to your manipulative ex and none of what you describe was your fault. Children always compare their lives to their peers' and make throwaway comments (like about missing out on certain things) because they are, by their very nature, solipsistic. Now that they are grown-up, or nearly, I would imagine that yours would - during an honest conversation - say how grateful they are to have had someone as caring and selfless as you in their lives. In fact, their comments last night imply to me that they want you to be happy but don't know how to do that for you. If I were you, I would be honest and thank them for last night's conversation, and tell them you are going to try to make a change for yourself and them.

At that age I would never had said anything like that to my mum unless it was something that was true and needed to change.

I don't think they were cheeky, I think you should try and see from their point of view.

And I'd try and look at why the eldest doesn't want to talk

I think editthis makes a good point about having a conversion with them, letting then know about the changes. That way when the 2am lifts aren't quite so regular they understand why. Their input in finding you some hobbies, rambling/swimming/gym etc they might actually be interested in joining in and you could find you have a shared interest.

Don't ever feel guilty for not taking him back. He did wrong, not you! Look forward to your future and start enjoying your life.

If you decide not to pick them up you'll be punishing them for answering a question honestly. If you want to keep a good, open relationship with them I don't think that's advisable.

You are an impressive person you know.

You did the right thing in not taking him back. The fact that he tries to blame you for not glossing over his shagging around shows that he has neither morals, nor any sense of personal responsibility.

Add to that your inability to look rationally at what your DC said rather than simply being defensive, is incredibly mature and emotionally intelligent.

You should persue the counselling. You need to stop seeing your children as let down or disavsntaged. To see you endlessly trying to make up to them for a life that you did not chose must be hard.

I made terrible mistakes. I tried for ages to make up to ds1 for the bad years he had when I was struggling with depression. It was for all the right reasons but it was a mistake. I was just showing him that if bad things happen then our lives, the joy and the life outside home, ends.
I had to see making myself happy as good parenting. Because it really is.

As my own mother gets older I feel more and more responsible for her happiness and sometimes I find myself resenting it a bit even though it's not her fault.

You are not responsible any more for your children's happiness. And they can be the thing that makes you happy anymore.

You are a smart, resourceful and resilient woman. Roll on 2015.

Your ability
obviously

OP I really do understand this. My DC are slightly younger than yours but eldest DD blames me for splitting with her father and is a little frosty.

I would take what they have said on board but try to water it down. So you are probably over invested in their lives, yes? The remedy is to be more involved in yur own life. I can aboslutely guarantee you that there will be a backlash from the DC if you go ahead and actually take their advice, bizarre though that sounds.

When I started dating, my teenagers were aghast! Despite their Dad being in a relationship from Day 1, it was NOT Ok for me to do that. They tried all kinds of shite - locking themselves out "Oh Dear, sorry DD you had better call your Dad as I am 2 hours away", criticising me for spending my money on myself and accusing me of a lack of interest in them.

Stick with it - they will be gone soon and you need to move on with your own life.

and stop with the 2am lifts!!!!!

I think you've dealt brilliantly with both a tough situation over the past 9 years and your DC's comments.
Good on you for taking this positively - may 2015 be the year you discover yourself and the year your DC's learn how to call for taxis!

For what it's worth I had a similar conversation with my DM a couple of years ago - I was 26, she had split (amicably) from my DF 2-3 years ago and since then had been (and still is) very manic and seemed to be seeking control over things by a very strict and punishing diet and exercise regime (she has since had counselling over her eating issues) and a string of multiple, short-lived affairs (often with married/unavailable men).
My Dsibs and I all felt she had gone through a real change and were concerned about her. Having been though eating disorder and relationship issues myself I particularly felt upset she couldn't seem to see how beautiful and worthwhile she is without the need for diets and validation from men.

One day, we were walking after a day out and I brought this up as gently as I could - she went apeshit, screaming in the street and said to me if I didn't approve of her behaviour perhaps it was best we didn't see each other any more.

I was devastated. We made up, and are still pretty much on good terms, but I feel now that it's down to me to keep things on an even keel if we're to have a functioning relationship, and the notion that she is prepared to go NC if I question her choices weighs heavily on me. It makes me really sad.

So the fact that you took your DC's comments calmly, despite being shaken up by them, and have been able - even in a short space of time - to reflect productively on them speaks very well of you.
Children, especially teenagers, can be selfish and insensitive, and when DCs are becoming adults and you're both starting to understand each other on different terms it can be a tricky time - but it could be your DCs were like me, caring about you desperately and wanting to bring up a difficult topic.

So well done for responding so well - wish my DM could have been the same!

Battered, I feel your pain, & know I am often over involved & my implication in Dcs not always wanted, or appreciated. however I have discovered when the "helpfulness" is withdrawn they soon come & ask me if I'm OK !
I agree that you have probably been so involved in trying to compensate for your family "breaking" that you have lost some of your identity.
So do try & do more for yourself, the odd "I'm off to the gym, you can deal with the dinner/dog walk/laundry.....see you later don't wait up, Byeeeee"
type thing suddenly makes their self centered adolescent brains realize that maybe what you do for them is quite nice actually..
They can be really ungrateful little buggers, but I doubt they knew how much they hurt you. When the moment is right you should tell them.

Therapy is a great idea! Me and my mother had a rocky relationship growing up, but the turning point was when she got therapy and got her emotions and anxieties under control. Now we get along really well and enjoy each other's company.

FIL used to be too invested in me and DH. I understand he was lonely after MIL died, but phone calls everyday, and "Why don't you ever visit" is draining. It's too much pressure and responsibility to make them the source of your happiness. We just sort of avoided him. Now he's getting his own hobbies, made some friends, and has some things to actually talk about. Made it so much easier to be around him.

So yes, getting hobbies and therapy is a great idea! Now that your kids are older you can look into things that you always wanted to do.

"...he had changed his mind and could he stay as I owed it to the kids to try again" That, and the children's "throwaway" comments about not having what others did, are outrageous demands on you!

It must be very hard to put up boundaries to children you feel responsible for (mine are small, so it's probably easier), and responsible to.

However, none of this guilt belongs to you, and therefore it isn't your responsibility, either. Your responsiblities lie in things like providing for the children, helping with their studies and hobbies, and loving them, but how could you be a father as well? Not even their own father could be a father, so why is that up to you?!

You needn't "blame" your children for taking what you have given. Only blame your exH for what he did, and what he tried to make you put up with. Your children can be forgiven their selfishness. And, by the way, putting boundaries in place is not punishing selfishness; it is a separate matter!

I don't think your children were being cheeky or intentionally hurtful, either. It sounds to me like they care a lot, have discussed this between themselves before, and seized the opportunity of a NY resolutions conversation to make the suggestion in the most tactful way that teenagers can - as in, it would have been much more hurtful had they suddenly said that out of the blue in November.

Why don't you enlist their help? They're probably aware they may have upset you but won't know how to go about making things better. Tell them you've taken their comments on board, thank them for thinking about you, then ask for solutions as well as problems... E.g. If they think you're over involved, who cleans their rooms, hoovers, etc? Who cooks their meals for them? If it's you, surely their first step to independence should be they take on their share of household tasks and allow you to take a step back. Ask them which days they'd like to be responsible for cooking dinners. Hard not to think about your DC all the time when you spend all your time doing things for them...

I would describe my DH's parents in exactly the terms your children have used (not to their face mind you!) That doesn't mean they are not superb parents - they are, and DH adores them. They are kind and generous and loving. In many ways model parents, as I'm sure you have been over what sounds like a tough number of years.

It does mean we occasionally distance ourselves from them to give ourselves some breathing room. They are so incredibly focused on their kids and so emotionally involved that it is suffocating at times. We don't talk to them much about the 'big' things because we know they would become totally over-invested in our lives at a time we were trying to deal with things ourselves.

I'm not surprised you're hurt by what has been said, but you seem to be taking it well and resolving to focus on yourself a bit more, which seems like a very good idea to me. I hope 2015 goes well for you

OP you sound very open to communication and willing to self reflect and make changes where necessary. That is what will help you all come through this hiccup hopefully.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain though and think you should listen carefully to what your children were saying. Your eldest DD being frosty towards you says a lot I think, and your 2 youngest DC may have just given you the opportunity to turn things around before your relationship with them goes the same way. This is a gift and you should use it to fully open lines of communication between you and your DC.
If I were you, I would sit them down and say that you appreciate them feeling that they can be honest with you and they have made you recognise that you have been over invested in their lives and may have been suffocating them, and can you all talk a bit more about their feelings on the matter so that you can work out the best way to help the situation. Don't close down the subject now by guessing what they mean and changing your life without exploring it a bit more.

As for your eldest DD, if she has felt suffocated and controlled, maybe she is using this physical separation to distance herself from you emotionally, to find her own feet and get some independence. Is she close to your other DC? It might be worth bringing her into the discussion, as if she sees that her siblings are able to be honest with you and get an open and understanding reception from you, it may encourage her to be honest too.

I say this from my experience as a DD of a mother who gave up her whole life for me and my siblings, she didn't work, had no friends, stayed in the house almost constantly as we were growing up, seemed very unhappy with her role in life as a SAHM and was quite controlling as a result. But she didn't do the kind things for us that you seem to do ( for example she never gave us lifts anywhere at any time of day - not because she was too busy her life revolved around the tv , but because she didn't want us to go out, so tried to make it difficult for us to do so) so I wouldn't stop giving them lifts or doing kind things to help them. Looking back now, I resent her stifling me but even more so, I resent that I have to watch what I say constantly and walk on egg shells around her. Unfortunately, now I have a very difficult relationship with my mother and we have very stilted conversation and I don't feel close to her at all. Our conversations tend to be superficial and I sometimes feel I am talking to a stranger (is this how conversations with your eldest DD feel?).
But a difference is that your DC sound much more able to talk to you - there is no way I could address any issues with my mothers behaviour, and trying in the past has resulted in a big argument and tantrums from her.

I suppose what I am saying (from a DDs point of view) is that people don't act this way towards their parents for no reason.

Good luck op. You sound lovely and that makes me certain this will work out in the end and may be a blessing in disguise.