DC setting down NY resolutions for me, AIBU?

[BatterednotBruised]

Have Namechanged for this, regular reader, occasional poster but do not want to out myself as feeling very shaky and not sure if aibu or over-reacting.

To give a brief backstory, have 3 x DC (ages 17-26) and have been divorced from their dad for 9 years. Times have been difficult but after many years as a SAHM found a job when exH left me for OW and have worked really hard to keep things ticking over and worked even harder to make sure DC were happy and settled.

Oldest DD who lives at other side of country (stayed in uni town) never calls me first but when I do manage to speak to her, things always seem ok but she can be cold with me which I have tried to address with her, but she clams up. This hurts me a lot, but I make excuses for her in my head and keep hoping it will get better.

Relationship with younger 2 has been easier as they still live with me and we have some good times, or so I thought. Had dinner this evening before I dropped them both off at parties (in opp directions so out for 2 hours) and will be doing the same at 2am to pick up. Over dinner having a light-hearted conversation about NY resolutions and youngest DD said maybe you should try not to be so paranoid and over-emotional about everything. Nervous laughter from DS. He followed up with oh and maybe try not to embarrass us so much and get so involved in our lives.

Although this upset me I hid it well and asked them what they meant and out spilled lots of examples about how I question them too much, and that I can be a killjoy with a long face :( they cant talk to me with problems as I obviously cant cope.

Anyway, dropped them off, came home and now sitting here in shock as had no idea my own DC felt this way but maybe I should have known by how oldest DD treats me? Other people looking in always tell me what a wonderful mother I am to have held things together - exH virtually non-contact - and I feel like I have built myself up to be some kind of hero when obviously I have been selfish and not handled everything half as well as I should have to the people that really matter here.

I know I have to do something about my life, this is NYE and I am alone, no relationship, a fat mess, no friends to spend the evening with either so realise I am having my own self-pity party, but feel so numb and shocked and if I try to talk to them they will say it was only banter (hate that word) or even worse, that I am proving them right by being over-emotional, paranoid, and all the other words they said.

Feel like my whole life is a lie and I am not the person I thought I was this morning so I want to wake up tomorrow and try and address this somehow but not sure where to start. AIBU to ask for some honest opinions here on NYE, they must want me to change right? They are good kids so didnt speak out of spite. How do I undo and rewind, without falling into a huge pit of pity?

Pick them up tonight and please vaccume really early tomorrow morning

This. You must collect them tonight as you've said you would and it would be unfair to punish them for being honest - they didn't mean to be unkind. But a good early morning hoover never hurt anyone

When I hoover I always have the radio on full blast.......you know, so I can hear it while I'm bopping around the house

Please may i recommend a book? How to do eveything and be happy by peter jones. Its very good at getting you to focus on how you want your life to be and what to do in order to get it there. I reread it evrry year.

Unlike others I wouldn't necessarily stop giving them lifts!

I honestly think (and I really DO mean this kindly!) you need to lighten up on yourself. If my DCs had said something similar I'd have responded with humour - 'paranoid? Who me?' or 'just getting my own back kids - you embarrassed me all the time as toddlers!'

But seriously we always find our own blood relations and spouses infuriating. Chances are everyone else thinks you're great :)

My two oldest are 16 and nearly 19. I get bullshit like that a lot! And that is exactly what it is! selfish bloody teenager bollocks!

One thing I've learned is that if you show them a chink in your armour they will take every opportunity to exploit it!
It sounds to me like they've seen you holding it all together, hanging in there, having a tough time, and rather than be supportive, it's easier to just tell you to buck up!
you're doing a grand job!

Agree with the others - you sound lovely and you've done something right if they were just being honest and not selfish. Just start setting some time aside for yourself now.

Ouch. Poor thing. They probably went overboard with it in the moment of saying it. People often do this and especially teens and younger people who are inexperienced at dealing sensitively with emotions.

I'd take it down several notches in your head to get to the point of it. Sounds like they are feeling the flip side of you devoting all your love and energies on your children through a hard few years. As adults and parents we know that unconditional love is just what happens from parents to children, but they are naively feeling it's weight as well as taking it for granted. Perfectly natural but painful for you too xxxx

They sound like they're feeling responsible for your wellbeing and happiness, so I'd work on that a bit over the next few months. So building a wider life than the narrow focus they currently feel (whether true or not).

Actually, this could be a nice thing for you to do. What do you like doing? Hobbies and interests from younger days? Or dreams that you've never even thought of exploring...

I don't think it should be about you distancing yourself from your children, but broadening out your life, and world in ways that make you happy and better too.

Sorry on my way to bed so not read the whole thread.

From what I can fathom, they're just letting you know that they're getting older and as they're finding their way in the world, you can now being yourself again, you know, that fun, exciting woman you were before ExH and before children.

It's a great opportunity with the new year and with their encouragement to start to put yourself first and start remembering who you are.

Look at classes and courses that run in your local area - book clubs, craft/knit and natter, yoga, painting, pottery - something that you can do for yourself and meet new people - and get out of the house!

You don't need to abandon the children, but with them getting older it's a good time for you to begin putting things in place for when they all leave home and your having nights in by yourself every night.

Happy New Year!!

You are so right about the counselling - it's a real positive step well done

Agree with everything above - you've done a great job bringing them up on your own. May I add a daughter's perspective? My DM (gone 20 yrs now) was always asking questions - what time? where? who with? why? and it made me feel that she was controlling everything and that I had no independence. My sister feels the same. In later years she would call us and repeatedly ask the same questions - we realised eventually that this was the start of her Alzheimers. Show you are interested in your DCs lives, but you don't have to know every detail and you don't have to worry. Focus on you now!

Another one who doesn't think they were being cheeky....

I am with the others. Sounds like you have done a great job. Not many teens feel they can be honest with a parent, mostly they bottle things up or seethe with resentment.

Think of them as adults who share your house, you can still be mum, but just add a little bit of distance, and love yourself for a change.

I think a gradual withdrawal of doing things for them is better than sudden stoppage. Also remember that you don't have to always give a reason why you don't want to do something. Happy new year to a new you.

You sound great and so do they. They are just being teenagers; of course they have these feelings, and I agree with all the PPs who think it is good they can be honest, and maybe they just feel a bit guilty that you are so taken over by them.

did you pick them up? i can understand if you did. My Mum was and still is far far too involved in my life. Im nearly 37 and she continues to stifle me by being too interested in my life and having no interests of her own. its done with love but i am determined i wont be the same way when my kids are teens.

Lots of good advice on here. My mum also used to be too involved in what was going on with me, making my problems hers, being a martyr etc. When she tried to change she overdid it though and tried to be all breezy and blaze which didn't work as that's just not her personality.

Use this as a kickstart to make more time for yourself. Use your bonus to make you feel better - new clothes, new hair cut, pay for a night class but don't expect them to be a panacea.

Do you have any friends or people who could begin to forge a friendship with?

Your whole life has not been a lie!
Your dc have picked up a couple of traits that affect their relationship with you. Most people have some negative traits.
Please don't feel upset about this. You actually sound like a great mother and a thoughtful person. Feel proud that you've raised kids that can be honest with you and use this information to 'find' yourself again and to strengthen your relationship with your kids.
Be honest with yourself. Are you a bit of a killjoy? Do you tend to be negative? Do you ask too many questions?
I second looking at meetup.com. I've recently joined a local book group and hiking club from there.
Be positive op and good luck!

I told my mum to please take a hobby, when I was 17.

She is still hurt about that 25 years later.

I just felt she was overinvested in my life, I craved a bit of space. Much as I loved her!

Never asked her to pick me up at crazy hours though. She would not have had to stay awake until 2 fof my benefit! That is toomuch to ask, IMO.

Either pick up at 11/12 OR they can make their own arrangements.

I did sleepovers, or made my way back earlier by public transport.

The idea of a parent picking up a grown upchild at HUGE inconvenience (2 hour drive at 2am) sounds extraordinairy to me.

Good morning! Hope you're feeling better. Maybe you could plan to be out of the hosue when the DC wake up today?

Teenagers always think they're parents are over involved, so don't take what they say to heart. I was discussing this with a friend last night, as a teen I always thought my parents were against me, trying to stop me having fun or doing what I wanted. As an adult I get they were just caring, loving parents...didn't stop me taking them for granted in my younger years though!

Happy new year OP

You have two children who are happy to sit at the dining table and eat a meal with you, instead of taking their food and retreating to their bedrooms to eat. That sounds like a great achievement!

My children who are only 8 and 5 say I ask to many questions about their day. Questions involve 'have you had a nice day? What did you have to eat lunchtime? Was your friend better and back at school today?'

Instead now I ask one choice question, 'how was the spelling test, did you read to your teacher?' And I then talk to them about my day, what's for tea, weekend plans. I've found me finding some hobbies/interests had made me more interesting to them and they then open up and talk about their day. I find out much more about them this way than asking questions ever did.

Enjoy spending your bonus - on you!

Sorry op and hugs. I agree with others, join clubs, start an evening class, join a gym (with a jacuzzi & a bar!) force yourself out there, enjoy it & your kids will respect you for it. Your relationship with eldest worries me more - how about writing her a letter? Offer to listen. She still needs to feel supported. I went through a very difficult time with my mum, I left home at 18 & deliberately moved 200 miles away (stayed at uni town) to get away from her because she was so overbearing I needed to seperate myself. I moved back when I had kids though & she's been the most amazing support.

I think you have done a brilliant job but I think you should accept what feels hurtful just now as a real gift.

Your children's comments only hurt because you know that they were being truthful. And that what they say has made you see that things you do out of kindness and love have an unexpected negative effect.

That's not a crime - we all do it.

But bear in mind that they said things that were about you being able to step back, that you do too much and it's not good for you. That is a gift. Especially as you have the good sense to now question your relationship with your oldest child.

I found this the hardest time. When ds1 was heading off to uni how did I get the balance right between being a parent still but not mothering him. It's hard and your circumstances made it harder.

I think your idea to have counselling is brilliant.
You have to start to shape your own life. My son comes home and I have things to tell him about my life - films I have seen, books I have read etc.
if we simply stand there as a blank canvas then we unintentionally treat our children that only they matter.

Take this as a brilliant opportunity. Become a person again rather than just their mother. They want you to.

Oh, I'm so sorry you feel so down. I think they sound wonderfully honest and as though they were trying to be sensitive, albeit unsuccessfully; I doubt it was banter, even if they try to pass it off as that to save your feelings. Listen to them. They are NOT saying you're a shit mum, quite the opposite:

DD said maybe you should try not to be so paranoid and over-emotional about everything... [DS] followed up with oh and maybe try not to embarrass us so much and get so involved in our lives.

It sounds like you've done so much for them and you just need to take a step back. It can be a huge responsibility for people, especially young people, when they feel they hold your happiness in their hands; just like you agreeing to transport them to and from their parties last night. It was a very kind offer, but very much at the expense of your own night. I expect you have been selfless for their whole lives, which is admirable, but they are all - or almost - adults now and I expect they would rather see you happy and fulfilled in your own right than running after them.

"Paranoid" and "over-emotional" are rather blunt words to use, but - and I don't mean this unkindly - your reaction to this adult conversation bears this out. I honestly don't think they meant to be overly critical, but give you a kick to start enjoying your own life and put yourself first for once. That sort of maturity from your children shows you've done a great job as a mother, I think. Give them due respect and try to listen to them, rather than melting in a puddle of paranoia and emotion.

You've been given better advice that I could give but I just wanted to say that you sound utterly lovely. Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.

DD said maybe you should try not to be so paranoid and over-emotional about everything. Nervous laughter from DS. He followed up with oh and maybe try not to embarrass us so much and get so involved in our lives.

The thing is I could have said very similar about my dm-whom I love very much, and have a pretty close relationship with.

But dm worried a lot. I remember not being allowed to go on a Brownie trip because the coach was coming back (20 minute coach trip) after 4:30 on a winter's evening, so it might be icy. I had to push to be allowed to do all sorts of things that my friends (who weren't doing outrageous things either!) had been doing for 2-3 years. The fight I had to let me go shopping with friends aged 12yo! I never caught a public service bus until I was at university.

She could get more upset then I over things, then I felt bad for upsetting her. So didn't, and still don't, tell her everything. As a teen, the more upset I was, the less I told because I couldn't cope with her getting upset.

She also tended to offer lifts all the time. She felt that way she knew we were safe, and I think my friends thought it was great, but it does slightly mark you out when your dm is there, you're slightly cagy what is said and done etc.

What you've said here does remind me of a situation I got into aged about 16/17yo.
I did a sporting activity which sometimes required a parent to give lifts. The team was a great group, and I got along really well with them. But every time a lift was required, dm would be first at the door of the coach to offer a lift. He was quite happy as he knew dm well as she did the sport too, which most of the parents didn't. Other parents offered, but he always accepted dm.

Now I found it a little frustrating. It did mean that I was slightly segregated from the team. I would be in the front, while the others messed around in the back-Dm was the only parent and the coach was busy so she'd be on her own if I didn't go to her. And she was also a worried, so the others might go off to climb trees etc. when they'd finished, and dm wouldn't want me to go out of her sight. She'd fuss because I'd ripped a sock or something.

One time one of the others in the team mentioned that his mum had offered several times and was disappointed that she'd never been asked.
So the next time the coach asked, I pulled dm aside and said as tactfully as I could that she'd put a lot of time in to giving lifts and she didn't have to every time. She said she didn't mind.
So I said that other parents wanted to, and it wasn't fair on them. She said she would offer and the coach could choose (I knew he'd choose her-I don't know if she knew others had been offering).
So I said that he always chose her and other people wanted their parents to come too, and other parents wanted to come. She said that was the coach's business.
I tried a different tack and said that other parents needed to come sometimes so they knew what they were doing. She said well she enjoyed watching me so she'd take me anyway.

That was the point I snapped and said that I didn't want her to come.
Yes, it upset her. and I was upset that I'd upset her.

But really, in my teenage way I tried to be as tactful as I could. I had tried several ways of tactfully saying that always having here there was causing me issues with bonding with the team. But she bulldozered every one, until I went direct.
It wasn't that I didn't want her there at all. It was that I didn't want her there every time. She was there through every match the first season I did-I don't think any of the other parents generally even dropped them off (I lived much further awway than most, so she needed to take me as she wouldn't let me bus, but then she'd stay because it wasn't worth going home)
If she'd done half, or even just not done one or two, I don't think it would have worried me then. But as someone who struggles socially, it really did effect me and my friendships negatively.

I wish she'd taken the first hint, or even the second. Just to not do some. So I wonder if they've sometimes put out hints that you haven't picked up on.