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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding plans and mil

33 replies

brererabbit · 31/12/2014 21:43

Posted here because no idea what to do really. We are planning our wedding though admittedly not got far yet. Mil can sometimes be brilliant but so far has been very insistent on bringing the wedding in conversation and insisting how we do things. I note that at no point have pil offered any financial contribution (I'm fine with this just pointing out that that's not the reason she's set on having more of an imput).
We already have children and don't want anything huge at all but she keeps making reference to our children and other people's ( even though there will only be a handful of well behaved kids there and it's over a year away) about how some adults will be really unimpressed if kids are there as they will spoil the day and piss off the other adults.
She's usually really lovely but keeps trying to bring up any plans and suggest things we definitely have to do or can't possibly do as they won't suit her or people that don't like children. What I feel like saying is if people don't like my children, I don't want them there. They are really good kids but I don't want to fall out with her.
Is there anything small I can give her to take control of to stop her joyriding our day or is that a bad idea. Is there anything I can say to stop her being bitter about me having a child friendly wedding. I really want a family friendly day where everyone gets along but she gets so nasty when we don't full on agree with her plans. We don't like talking about it around her and it's becoming really awkward

OP posts:

SparklesForEveryone · 31/12/2014 21:45

Just remember who is getting married xx

WipsGlitter · 31/12/2014 21:49

Just be blunt. "Mil, we have kids, our friends have kids. We want then at the wedding. If you people don't like that then tough."

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 31/12/2014 21:49

Elope!

If you really can't face that, could you ask her, with your bestest innocnet face on, "Did your MIL interfere much in your wedding plans MIL?"

Jodie1982 · 31/12/2014 21:50

Just tell her that of course your children will be there! Or just let her advice go through one ear n out the other, it's YOUR wedding to plan not hers. The less you tell her about the wedding and speak of will be best I think.

I'm so glad I don't speak to or see my MIL. None of this crap I keep seeing on here involving MILs!!

Lambzig · 31/12/2014 21:51

That is so odd when presumably she likes her grandchildren?

Just tell her that your children are an enormously important part of your wedding as they are your family and therefore all the family and friends children have to be welcome too.

Otherwise just nod and smile while planning what you want.

PedantMarina · 31/12/2014 21:53

I was going to suggest you let her do cups & ice, ....

PedantMarina · 31/12/2014 21:54

Whoops, link fail. Here's

Original poster

brererabbit · 31/12/2014 21:56

She likes them lamb zig and is brilliant most of the time but is very much about children being seen and not heard and we are told when we are and aren't allowed to visit so as we don't interfere with adult time. It is odd to me but it's not the kind of atmosphere I want at my wedding.
The way things are going she will be spending the day sulking just because they are there when she deems it adult time and she will go on about how it spoilt the day (even if she was the only one that felt like this )

OP posts:

redexpat · 31/12/2014 22:10

'MIL this will be our wedding and we will arrange it as we see fit and invite whoever we choose. Now, we would really appreciate your input on stationary'/insert something weddingy you dont really care about.

SacredHeart · 31/12/2014 22:14

Your show your rules!

My advice that OH and I agreed when planning the wedding "I keep my family in check, you keep your in check". Get DF to manage your MIL it's his family and they'll take it better from him.

Inertia · 31/12/2014 23:19

"MIL, we are planning x,y, and z for our wedding, which will be child friendly. If this doesn't suit you we will really not be offended if you prefer not to come. We will be sure not to invite anyone who finds the presence of a children a problem".

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 23:31

'MIl, thats great and if you get married again then you can do it your way but we actually want a family friendly wedding.'

Redhead11 · 31/12/2014 23:33

Tell her you're relying on her to babysit the DC and therefore you won't be attending the ceremony.

Karoleann · 31/12/2014 23:39

I think just saying you want quite a lot of the wedding to be a surprise would suffice.

As they're not contributing its none of their business.

RainbowFlutterby · 31/12/2014 23:45

Thank her for volunteering to babysit your children and your friends' children so you can all enjoy a child free wedding.

Hoppinggreen · 31/12/2014 23:47

Smile, nod, ignore

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/12/2014 23:47

Ask mil to help with "important issue", "trust her intelligence" flatter her etc. with help in writing a love in your invites to make ask your guests aware that the children whose been invited are all treasured, family or close little ones and that the wedding is a family event, she's"the only one clever enough to compose a line" that makes people aware that any waiting for adults only-time in not only discouraged but futile as even post kiddie-bedtime you are still aiming for a family event style atmosphere.

Or would df be able to intervene? Or could you tell her the whole thing's going to be a surprise to everyone so you can't really discuss it, much as you're absolutely doing to talk to her about it all of course?

Topseyt · 31/12/2014 23:49

It's YOUR wedding, not hers. You have the wedding YOU want. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to be there. Tell her that.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 31/12/2014 23:52

Just tell her all about your (fake) elaborate wedding plans and ask her serious questions eg whether she thinks it's humane to have the doves you're planning to release dyed in colours that match the bridesmaids.

Deflect, deflect, deflect...

MyFirstName · 31/12/2014 23:54

The absolutely best wedding I have ever been to was the most child friendly. The children were looked after so all the parents got (safely) off our heads . Was a riot.

I think you could give her a "task". My mother drove me nuts over our wedding plans...until I gave her the "wedding favours" to do. Wasn't actually planning to do any - but the £50 budget was worth it to get her off my back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2014 23:55

"What I feel like saying is if people don't like my children, I don't want them there."
That sounds like a pretty perfect response IMO.

"she gets so nasty when we don't full on agree with her plans."
In which case I'd take her on ASAP so that her tantrum is long-past come the wedding.

It's your wedding. Have it how you want it.

LittleDonkeyLeftie and Inertia's responses look useful too.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/01/2015 00:31

This may be a teensy (holds thumb and forefinger >< this close) bit PA and naughty but when I read your OP all I can imagine now is a full child choir singing 'we are the world' at your wedding

SorchaN · 01/01/2015 03:06

I can never understand when the groom's mother wants to impose her opinions on wedding plans while refraining from offering to contribute. And your MIL seems to have rather fixed opinions about how things should be. Your life will be easier once she realises that being nasty will not lead to her getting things her way. Just be firm with her: it's your wedding and you're doing it your way. That means things will happen that don't suit her. Tough.

Original poster

brererabbit · 01/01/2015 08:09

Thank you for some good suggestions. I really don't want to be too passive aggressive though I don't want the massive strop either as she sulks like a child.
myfirstname that sounds like fun, was it family members that looked after them or somebody hired like a creche or children's entertainer? Open to all options at the moment just seeing what has worked best for people before.

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 01/01/2015 08:19

We had both a creche and a kids entertainer at my first wedding and both available during the service as well as the reception. Was not compulsory but was much appreciated.

If MIL is in the habit of 'getting nasty' when you don't agree with her plans then you need to decide now if you are going to let her manipulate you like this for the rest of her life or if you are going to stand firm. She could live to a very very very ripe old age.

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