wedding plans and mil

[brererabbit]

Posted here because no idea what to do really. We are planning our wedding though admittedly not got far yet. Mil can sometimes be brilliant but so far has been very insistent on bringing the wedding in conversation and insisting how we do things. I note that at no point have pil offered any financial contribution (I'm fine with this just pointing out that that's not the reason she's set on having more of an imput).
We already have children and don't want anything huge at all but she keeps making reference to our children and other people's ( even though there will only be a handful of well behaved kids there and it's over a year away) about how some adults will be really unimpressed if kids are there as they will spoil the day and piss off the other adults.
She's usually really lovely but keeps trying to bring up any plans and suggest things we definitely have to do or can't possibly do as they won't suit her or people that don't like children. What I feel like saying is if people don't like my children, I don't want them there. They are really good kids but I don't want to fall out with her.
Is there anything small I can give her to take control of to stop her joyriding our day or is that a bad idea. Is there anything I can say to stop her being bitter about me having a child friendly wedding. I really want a family friendly day where everyone gets along but she gets so nasty when we don't full on agree with her plans. We don't like talking about it around her and it's becoming really awkward

We didn't have any opposition to children coming, but did have a very child friendly wedding last year - there wee 40 children attending! We did a big sweetie bar, plus a special kids activity table that had colouring books with crayons, and sticker books all over it. We had a sign at the door for the 'little people' when they came in, directing them to all the fun stuff. Only problem was the adults and kids all diving on the sweetie bar at once! We had an indoor/outdoor space for our reception, so the kids could run around, play games, dance on the dance floor or sit and colour in their books. It worked really well and we got loads of comments about how much fun it was for everyone. We got all the colouring books etc from ebay very cheaply (less than £15 for the lot) and made the sweetie bar ourselves by buying jars from ikea and ordering sweets from the website 'a quarter of' about three weeks before the wedding (hiring a sweetie bar is extortionate!). And with regards to your mother in law, don't invite her opinion on anything you care about. And be very firm that you've already decided on the things you do care about. I got a couple of 'comments' from my mum on things she expected (like throwing the bouquet, and a couple of other bits) which I just calmly stated 'oh we've already decided on that'. As long as you're calm, confident and stick to your guns, it's very hard for people to push against that.

Anyone here remember Busman's Honeymoon when Harriet Vane and Lord Peter Wimsey get married? The problem there is not the groom's mother but his SIL. So they plan a massive great society wedding in St George's, Hanover Square, and then the night before the big day all the guests get telegrams (1936, remember!) inviting them to an obscure church in Oxford for two p.m. where they have planned the wedding their way!

Just make sure you talk about the stuff you're planning for the kids (The sweetie bar or entertainer or whatever) in front of her. Don't take her on when she starts, just ignore her and keep talking about how you're doing it.

If she sulks/kicks off get your partner to have a word. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW. my mil insisted in criticising every aspect of what we were planning for our wedding until I asked my husband to have a word with her. He told her we'd really thought through what we wanted and that we hoped she was going to have an enjoyable day there as a guest. We didn't give her anything to be in charge of and every time she asked we just said we wanted her to enjoy it, that was all. In the end she loved the wedding. Had she kept on interfering I'd have killed her.

rabbit I don't want to put you off marrying this man but alarmbells rang when you wrote "I don't want the massive strop either as she sulks like a child."

Either you put your foot down and let her strop and behave like a child and ignore her, or you condemn yourself to a lifetime of living her way. There is no middle path with people like this, no reasoning, no compromise.

Is your partner going to back you up or will he side with his mummy?

Little donkey, it's really not like that with everything else. Not like some of the things I read on here. She has never behaved this way over things with the kids or interfered with our parenting in any way. She's been brilliant at times, supportive, incredible and respectful of boundaries. She's by no means a mil from hell, she can be brilliant. Sometimes she gets sulky if she doesn't get her own way over plans like we have to do things sometimes when it fits in for her and not necessarily us like her schedule is more important but i think some of it is hormonal sulkiness and I've never fought against it as it's never affected us too much and she's generally brilliant, I'm generally grateful to have her in our lives. But the wedding issue seems to have brought out a sulky control freak in her and I don't want to fall out with an otherwise brilliant lady over it, neither do I want to sacrifice our day.
Dp will stand firm with what I want which makes her worse as she acts as if she's ganged up on (when she's brought the conversation up and insisted on talking about it all and not let it go) and it just makes her more argumentative. fwiw I'm not worried one bit it will be like this the rest of our lives, just that the day will be unenjoyable and we won't hear the end of it for three years afterwards.

So get her son to tell her to butt out.

It's your day and your children and it will be how you both want it.

Get the sulk over now and if it continues, he can ask her if she still wants to come.

brer once the drinks receptiony bit was over all the little children were taken off for thier own party (Children's entertainer, typical party food, face painting) whilst the wedding breakfast and speeches happened. Meal was enjoyable as a parent - not worried about waiting between courses etc as your DC were not there and ditto the speeches - actually able to listen and enjoy. Then the DC came back when the disco happened. Loads of toys and colouring around, and the sweetie bar. It was a blast. And sooooo many pissed mothers as we had all let our hair down during the meal