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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really thinking about divorce

36 replies

MrsBigginsPieShop · 31/12/2014 11:05

I know it's cliche this time of year. I'm just so worn down by everything going wrong in the house, his car, life in general being my fault. He loses his card wallet - huge strop and crazy driving back to the high street to flounce and look for it, only to find it in his jacket pocket when we get home. A shelf in the kitchen cupboard breaks - my fault for stacking things in the cupboard in the wrong way. He dinks his car parking on the drive - my fault for choosing a house with a small driveway. I'm walking on eggshells and exhausted. My parents are here for NY and rather than relaxing, DH has given himself a list of DIY jobs to do with DF. So he's barked at me for taking too long in the kitchen and being in the way. I've gone to take a shower after sorting out DS and getting him down for a nap, to find no water on and been snapped at for being so dense as to not realise it was being switched off while they do DIY. Am just so embarrassed by how he speaks to me. My poor DM is trying to keep the peace but I've retreated to our bedroom and am just scared of saying the wrong thing. I feel totally trapped. I can't afford the house on my own, but I feel like I'd rather DS and I lived in a studio on baked beans than put up with this. I'm so scared DS will grow up thinking it's ok to speak to people the way DH does to me. I'm so sorry for the long post. I left an abusive relationship ten years ago and promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to feel so small again. This isn't anything like that relationship, but it's not normal for me to be hiding out as I'm scared of being made to feel stupid? Sorry again for length of post.

OP posts:
DoubleValiumLattePlease · 31/12/2014 11:08

You poor thing! What a horrible way to spend visiting time with your parents - never mind the rest of the time. Have you told him how unhappy you are and that you are considering ending things? If so, or if you're going to, how did/will he react?

Original poster
MrsBigginsPieShop · 31/12/2014 11:21

Yes I've said to him before I want to end it and I'm told 'no you don't'. Tbh I haven't the emotional resources to get out. I feel like a failure and a coward.

OP posts:
AnyoneforTurps · 31/12/2014 11:27

What a horrible situation. But it sounds as if you and your DS are safe so you don't have to do anything immediately. You have time to build up your emotional resources. Could you talk to a counsellor for example? You are not a coward, you are just ground down by his bad treatment.

OfaFrenchMind · 31/12/2014 11:32

God yes, but plan it carefully and on your term.
YANBU, and best of luck!!

Aretepetite · 31/12/2014 11:34

some Flowers for you MrsBiggins

I have no advice, only wanted to offer a bit of understanding and support for you.

I hope you get the strength to deal with this situation in the correct way and soon. You sound lovely and neither you or your DS have to live this way.

Good luck for the future xx

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 31/12/2014 11:36

First step is to see a solicitor- many will give you a free 3 min consultation. They will be able to advise you, so you know what your options are with regard to the house, maintenance, division of assets etc. YOu don't have to do anything straight away but trust me when I tell you it will make you feel stronger.

I also agree with PP that you need to confide in DM/DF or someone else in RL who can help you.

Best of luck.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 11:43

Yes I've said to him before I want to end it and I'm told 'no you don't'

Can you just leave with your parents when they go and stay with them until you have divorced him and sold the house?

backwardpossom · 31/12/2014 11:49

Oh MrsBiggins Flowers

I agree with Funky - can you pack a case for you and DS and go with your parents when they leave?

notagainffffffffs · 31/12/2014 11:54

Will your mum help? Take her and ds out for a coffee if you can. She could easily pack you a few bits while she is packing away her own stuff right?

notagainffffffffs · 31/12/2014 11:55

And no its not normal to be constantly belittled

AnyoneforTurps · 31/12/2014 12:19

Unless you are at immediate risk (physical or emotional), do not "officially" leave the marital home before speaking to a solicitor. However, there is nothing to stop you taking your DS to stay with your parents for a bit.

Inkspellme · 31/12/2014 14:52

is this normal behaviour for him? If it's not normal you may need to tell him it's unacceptable and move on from it. if it's standard behaviour you have a bigger issue to sort and maybe a bit of distance from him might give you space and time for you to figure out what you need to do next. A break with your parents might work?

woowoo22 · 31/12/2014 15:01

You will feel 1000 times better if you and DS leave.

Original poster
MrsBigginsPieShop · 31/12/2014 15:26

Thanks for the replies. We are NC with all of DHs family and I feel my parents are torn between DH and I and I can't put them in the middle as he sees them as his parents, too. Escaped for a coffee for a few hours with DS, and walked back in to it being my fault a mirror was hung wrong as apparently id said it was ok before I left. I just don't want to be here. It is pretty normal behaviour for DH. He was diagnosed with depression a month ago and is on medication so I'm really trying not to overreact as it were. I had PND very badly with DS, now 16 months. I feel I've just dragged DH down with me.

OP posts:
AmantesSuntAmentes · 31/12/2014 15:32

YANBU! You say he has depression, that's tough but it does not excuse him making your and your ds's lives hell.
While you still have the emotional integrity to consider divorce, go for it. If this constant wearing down of you continues, inevitably you will at some point lose sight of that option.
This is emotional abuse, try not to dismiss or excuse it. Both you and your ds deserve better!

yoshipoppet · 31/12/2014 15:35

I don't think you have dragged him down with you at all. If it were some other illness would you be blaming yourself? I doubt it (although from the sound of things, he might!).
Another thought, if he only started his meds a month ago I'd think that it might be some time before they begin to work. I know when I've been depressed it usually takes me a long time to seek help so he may well have been depressed for some time too. Maybe his horrible behaviour is partly due to the illness. I wonder if, once the meds kick in, he will go back to the person you married? I'm guessing he didn't speak to you like that then, or you wouldn't have married him.
Hope it all works out for you OP, some time away for a short while may give you both a bit of thinking space.

AnyoneforTurps · 31/12/2014 15:42

Depression is not an excuse for his foul behaviour. Yes, it may make him more irritable but he needs to recognise this and not to take it out on you.

paperlace · 31/12/2014 15:45

Oh you poor poor love. Really feel for you. Please, if at all possible, try and push aside all the crap about his depression (not belittling depression itself - am saying there is no excuse to be constantly abusive to you) and your parents being his parents - and think about your son who is more important than all of you. Then yourself.

Swallow your pride and ask your parents for help and somewhere to stay. Maybe he'll change if you leave and his meds kick, but he probably won't. You won't find out if you do nothing and walk on eggshells around him and his vile rants for the rest of your life.

paperlace · 31/12/2014 15:46

Meds kick in that should have read.

JeanSeberg · 31/12/2014 15:50

Do you work? Is there anything stopping you going to your parents for a few days while you decide what you want to happen next?

clam · 31/12/2014 15:53

"I feel my parents are torn between DH and I and I can't put them in the middle as he sees them as his parents, too."

Tough shit on him; they're not! Their first loyalty is to you, their daughter. Plus, they will have witnessed his appalling behaviour towards you.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 31/12/2014 15:57

Why aren't your parents saying anything?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2014 17:01

You want to leave and he said "No you don't"? Shit howdy!! You know what you want, he doesn't. He only knows what HE wants….you to kick around (metaphorically).

Your parents are only torn between the two of you because they don't know that you want OUT. They're trying to be neutral because they don't want to rock the boat. Your H may regard them as his parents, too, but I'd guarantee they don't feel that way after the way things have been going during this visit. The fact that your mum is playing peacemaker shows that she, at least, knows you aren't being treated right. And I'm sure she's spoken to your dad. I know I would if I were she. They are your parents. When it comes down to it they will support you.

Talk to your parents. I'm sure they've seen more than you realize. If possible, seriously think about packing a bag and telling your H you are 'going home for a visit'. Then see a solicitor.

SorchaN · 31/12/2014 22:50

Depression is no excuse for emotionally abusive behaviour, which is what he is exhibiting towards you. You are right to be concerned about what your child will learn from this - it's very distressing for children to see their mother treated with no respect (and later, they follow suit and behave just as disrespectfully). Your parents are not his parents and should be supporting you and sticking up for you rather than trying to keep an impossible peace. If you husband does not recognise that his behaviour is inappropriate, and take immediate steps to deal with it, then your best course of action is to leave while you still have the emotional strength to do so. I hope things work out for you.

maddening · 01/01/2015 01:15

Tell your parents you need. A break and can you stay with them for a while - I think you need to detach and give yourself some head space.