To be really thinking about divorce

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

I know it's cliche this time of year. I'm just so worn down by everything going wrong in the house, his car, life in general being my fault. He loses his card wallet - huge strop and crazy driving back to the high street to flounce and look for it, only to find it in his jacket pocket when we get home. A shelf in the kitchen cupboard breaks - my fault for stacking things in the cupboard in the wrong way. He dinks his car parking on the drive - my fault for choosing a house with a small driveway. I'm walking on eggshells and exhausted. My parents are here for NY and rather than relaxing, DH has given himself a list of DIY jobs to do with DF. So he's barked at me for taking too long in the kitchen and being in the way. I've gone to take a shower after sorting out DS and getting him down for a nap, to find no water on and been snapped at for being so dense as to not realise it was being switched off while they do DIY. Am just so embarrassed by how he speaks to me. My poor DM is trying to keep the peace but I've retreated to our bedroom and am just scared of saying the wrong thing. I feel totally trapped. I can't afford the house on my own, but I feel like I'd rather DS and I lived in a studio on baked beans than put up with this. I'm so scared DS will grow up thinking it's ok to speak to people the way DH does to me. I'm so sorry for the long post. I left an abusive relationship ten years ago and promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to feel so small again. This isn't anything like that relationship, but it's not normal for me to be hiding out as I'm scared of being made to feel stupid? Sorry again for length of post.

Have you tried pointing out where he is going wrong though? You say you are "scared of saying the wrong thing".Perhaps as you need to do with children you need to point out exactly why they are being unreasonable? You don't need to say anything other what is happening in " why did you blamie me for the wallet that you found in your pocket, apology please" or "if you can't manage the drive let me get the car out next time"

Why are you treading on eggshells? What will happen if you tell him he's being a dick? Would he hurt you or are you afraid that he will end it.I think it sounds like he has got into a habit of blaming you and you take it.
He won't treat you with respect if you have none.
After standing up for yourself you get no where then, yes,leave.

I hate that all-too-human trait of always blaming someone else, which I don't think just comes from his depression.

Leave him and tell him to go to Neurotics Anonymous, they might be able to sort him out

Your parents are probably waiting for you to make the first move. Try talking to them.

Poor you OP.

I would be concerned about the message it send to ds too. I worry about that kind of thing all the time. Dh has anxiety and is often pretty unpleasant in stressful situations but always aplogises afterwards and has become a lot better at dealing with it than he used to because like pp have said it's not an excuse that he has depression. Unless he openly addreses his inappropriate reactions to situations in front of ds then, yeah, he is definitely sending a terrible message that it's ok to speak to people like shit as the norm.

Really tricky. Maybe it's time to call it a day though because you sound worn out and must know you deserve better.

Shocked at how your parents can stand there and let a man talk to their daughter in such a nasty way.

I think you need to have a talk with them, surely if they are decent people they will have realize how little respect he has for you.

Reading threads like this upset me as I hate to imagine anyone feeling trapped in this type of relationship. Your sadness oozes out of your posts and it's heartbreaking really.

Sit your mom down and tell her that you need her help. It's hard to say that and admit to someone the troubles you are having in a relationship but once the words and the truth are out there then things can start to change. Let your parents look after you, you're never too old to need their help and support.

You have to stop thinking about him. He is NOT your responsibility if you are divorcing him.his behaviour has led to this. He is very likely to try a few different approaches to force you back, guilt and anger will feature, but you need to stay strong for yourself and not give in. Please venture to the relationship board for some support to help you with this?

Can you turn this round and say you think a separation would be a good thing (temporary or otherwise) as HE is obviously so unhappy.

So you are then not the bad guy but the caring partner trying to help him.

But you must stick to it. He is obviously not happy, just telling you he isn't or that he doesn't want to do anything is not acceptable. Tell him changes are needed.

I think you need to confide in your parents as a first step- they will surely side with you? And if you can escape to theirs or a friend just for a weekend that will show your (d)h that you are really on your last straw? His depression may account for some of his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it. My xp was a bit like this- I found it SO hard to leave but I eventually did after a big argument one evening. No kids at the time and still had my own house so admittedly a lot easier. Was best thing i ever did, especially as I met dh only a few weeks later. Being in a good relationship now just highlights how crap that one was- assuming he won't change his ways, you wont regret moving on.

He might see your parents as his too but they aren't. They're yours. Their first loyalty is to you and I'd be amazed if they didn't behave that way if it comes to it. If they are in the house and seeing this I doubt they haven't noticed and even expressed their concerns in private to each other. maybe they haven't said anything as they feel it might make the situation for you worse? Or perhaps they are hoping it's a passing phase in your marriage? Whatever the reason is you should talk to them.

If your parents aren't an option is there anyone else who you can visit for a time to give yourself a thinking space on this? A friend? Sibling?

A previous poster asked an excellent question. What happens, or what are you afraid will happen if you pull him up on behaviour? When his wallet turned up in his pocket did he apologise? If my dh did that I would expect (& deserve) an apology. If he didn't apologise did you call him on it? If you didn't it might be en lighting to ask yourself why you didn't?

You don't deserve to be treated this way but maybe your behaviour is enabling him to treat you badly with no consequences. I don't want to come across as blaming you but I would like to make you think about how your behaviour makes him be able to treat you badly.

How are you doing OP? Please do think of yourself and DS. I hope you've spoken to your parents and are with them. And really, even if your DH is depressed, it may also do him good to be quiet and alone for a few days. It may give him time to think about his life and what he wants and how he's treating you.