For feeling like I "wasted" 9 hours driving ???

[catfourfeet]

Hi all, will bullet point for clairty.

4dcs : ds 16,dd 13, ds 11.5, ds 10.

STBXH and MIL live 3 hours away in northerntown.

Ds1 does not want to see STBXH but wanted to see Granny.

To spare STBXH feelings DS1 wanted visit to be secret.

(I would not even think about asking granny to travel to where we live, she is very elderly)

I contacted SIL in Northern town to try and arrange "secret" visit.

SIL told STBXH everything. DS1 was very upset taht STBXH now "knew".

Visit is arranged, Due to traffic, journey takes 9 hours round trip ( should have been 6) for a 1 hour visit.

Unknown to us ,2 days later STBXH and granny were in our town visiting a sick acquaintance.

If DS1 had just happened see STBXH it would have really, really upset him.

I know its STBXH and granny's choice to visit who they like, when they like but

AIBU to think STBXH could have

1. Spared his DCs 9 hours in the car.
2. At least warned DC1 that he was in our town.

Hi cat - off topic a bit sorry, but can I ask what type of memory problems your ex has? My h has had some weird symptoms which may be nothing but I wonder.

But weren't you bringing members of HIS family in on hiding your visit?

Their loyalty is going to be with him surely.

Oh love your opinion isn't less valid it's just most people will struggle to understand it as it is such a complicated history.

It doesn't really matter why, just give up on him, he is gone.

I have given up on him, but I cant "give up" for the sake of the dc's.

I need them to know that I tried, really,really tried to keep them in contact with him.

I stopped taking them up to see him ( it used to be the ONLY way he would see them) as it gave me such high levels of anxiety / stress that I was a useless mother for days after.

whatnow

ive pm you

But you are keeping them in contact with someone who doesn't care about them.

How can that be a good idea?

*But you are keeping them in contact with someone who doesn't care about them.

How can that be a good idea?*

you have a point

catfourfeet You are not a useless mother. From your eldest DC though, can you see a pattern emerging? Won't they all go this way in the end, some going through bitter uncertainty wondering why their DF doesn't want them? Isn't it better to break now then later after a longer time of it.

An 'OK' father is better than none.

But IMO your kids would be better off without this father.

I've read (and occasionally posted) on your threads in the past catfour, and I'm sure the history you have with your DH and his family set anything you post about your DC in a completely different context than just reading your thread at face value.

On the face of it it seems rich for you to be secretly visiting where your STBXH lives then getting uppity about him doing the same, but from what I can remember, no blame can be attached to him (or you) because his amnesia problem was/is being manipulated by his family (mostly your sister/SIL wasn't it?) leaving him not sure WTF is going on.

I'm sorry it's still causing you shit. I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself about re keeping your DC in contact with him. If the people who he's in contact with every day are still behaving in the same way you've been a saint just to be hanging on in there trying for so long.

His memory is much improved , not fully restored , but much , much better. though he now wont admit to ANY memory problems at all.

I doubt he will ever be fully "well" again. Certainly not well enough to be a hands on "real" dad. Maybe I will be proved wrong.

Part of his illness was a retracting / retreating from real life and living in a "bubble".

I doubt that he could cope with RL, not REAL RL. I think he would just retreat back into his bubble.

I want the dcs to make thier OWN decisions about him.

At 16, couldn't ds1 have gone to see Granny by himself? It doesn't sound as if hisn father would have forced him to see him.

My DHs relatives often came /still come quite close to us. Early in marriage I found it odd/hurtful that they nevertoldusuntil after the event, or suggested meeting for at least a drink in a hotel. But I've accepted that's what they are like, now.

It doesn't sound as if hisn father would have forced him to see him.

not so sure about that given that ........

My STBXH thought DS1 was "silly" for not wanting to see him and I was also "silly" for supporting him.

when I said that DS1 was upset that his dad had been told about the visit , I was told to "get a grip"

When I ( quite legitimately) misinterpret a text about the visit I was told I was "stupid" and that I was "narcissistic and controlling"

I wouldn't be happy if my brother got divorced and his ex wanted me to keep secrets from him. My loyalty is principally with my brother not her. Ditto expecting granny not to tell her son. If your eldest age 16 wants to visit his granny and not his dad then he goes to visit granny openly and tells his dad he doesn't want to see him.
Not sure why exSIL had to be involved at all and why your son couldn't have just phoned granny and let her know.
If granny then tells her son who comes round unwanted then your son can decide not to bother visiting ranny in future.
I agree it seems mad to fuss about how important it was for dad not to be present at one granny visit and then be whining about dad not visiting the kids on another granny visit 2 days later just because he was the one driving this time. Driving all that way for an hour sounds a bit martyrish and wasteful anyway, could he not just phone her or skype? That way excluding dad is easier..

My goodness, never in my life would I make a 6 hour round journey for a 1 hour visit, that's ludicrous. And that's with one dc in the car, let alone 4!

Slightly off the point I know, but still!

Cat I have to admit, I'm with Morloth on this one.

You HAVE tried - really, really tried, perhaps almost to the point of insanity - to make sure that contact happens between the dc and him.

But you're right - he doesnt care, and neither do any of the other selfish tossers he has "chosen" to surround himself with.

He's shit with contact, he won't let you know if anything happens with the dc during contact (injuries etc) and it is always, always you that has to do all the running around.

Now let's not beat around the bush here - you are a fucking fantastic mother and you have done so, so much to keep things as "normal" as you can for your dc. But his treatment of them and you is downright cruel. It isn't fair, it isn't funny and I'm sorry to say that I don't think it is going to get any better Even if his memory problems were still as bad as they were (which they're not) then there should be someone at his end trying to facilitate contact. As it stands, you are the only one making any sort of effort.

The last thing I want to do is upset you, but what happens when the DC realise exactly how little effort he is prepared to put in? It sounds like your eldest realises already - it won't be long before the others begin to notice

It is so easy to say from "outside" of the situation, but for what it is worth I think you should quietly start to reduce contact/stop instigating. It will give the DC time to adjust slowly rather than be faced with the sudden realisation that he couldn't give a toss.

Wish you didn't have to go through all this shit - you've been through more already in the last few years than most people would face in a lifetime

Oh OP. I don't think it was wasted if it meant DS1 saw granny on his own terms.
You must have known your SIL would twist the knife though and spill the beans. Her M.O no?
You did a nice thing. Your stbxh could have let you know their plans but didn't/couldn't/wouldn't so to that end your trip wasn't wasted as Granny was not available/it wasn't organised to do sick friend and grandson on same day, plus the logistics might have proven harder. So you did the right thing for your son, even if it was at a cost to you.
Try and put it out your mind, your stbxh is not the man you married and you need to be easier on yourself. Also agree for you to stop doing all the running, not sure the gains long-term are worth it my lovely.

OP the DCS are too young-with the exception of your eldest- to see the truth yet. By the time they do you will be worn out and they may be very upset about it all. If you reduce contact and leave it up to your STBX to make contact then all you are doing is making it his responsibility. If he or his family don't want that then it's best to know now rather then when the DC are old enough to feel very bitter about trying so much and seeing their mum run ragged over it.

Sometimes it's better to protect them and let them make choices later on then let them make the ones now which will keep hurting them, and you. If you reduce contact now then it saves a lot for you and your DCS later rather then struggle and be more stressed and hurt. It also forces STBX to start making an effort, he isn't the man you married or love however much it's not his fault- would the man you loved want this for his children? Or for you? Or would he want you all protected from it?

Hi
Have seen some posting from Cat before and would really like to be able to understand situation before presuming to give advice. Tried to read back story but can’t seem to find anything about how all this stress related memory in stbxh started and why cat’s sis and sil became so intrusive. Does anyone have a potted history so posters can at least offer informed advice as cat seems to be getting a lot of stick from people who judge her on current posting. Does anyone know stbxh’s family or cat’s family, especially her interfering sis and sil and why they have turned against cat in such an awful way?