For feeling like I "wasted" 9 hours driving ???

[catfourfeet]

Hi all, will bullet point for clairty.

4dcs : ds 16,dd 13, ds 11.5, ds 10.

STBXH and MIL live 3 hours away in northerntown.

Ds1 does not want to see STBXH but wanted to see Granny.

To spare STBXH feelings DS1 wanted visit to be secret.

(I would not even think about asking granny to travel to where we live, she is very elderly)

I contacted SIL in Northern town to try and arrange "secret" visit.

SIL told STBXH everything. DS1 was very upset taht STBXH now "knew".

Visit is arranged, Due to traffic, journey takes 9 hours round trip ( should have been 6) for a 1 hour visit.

Unknown to us ,2 days later STBXH and granny were in our town visiting a sick acquaintance.

If DS1 had just happened see STBXH it would have really, really upset him.

I know its STBXH and granny's choice to visit who they like, when they like but

AIBU to think STBXH could have

1. Spared his DCs 9 hours in the car.
2. At least warned DC1 that he was in our town.

Er, well if they're driving a long way together into a town you all live in... I'm pretty sure it would be a tad suspicious for her to suggest she have some alone time at a cafe. For no reason

there was no reason for any secrecy by the time they visited our town as SIL had told STBXH everything.

even so , there was nothing stopping either granny or STBXH seeing the dcs whilst they were in our town.

You don't think granny having to tell her son that she is seeing his children but he can't come puts her in a difficult position then?

I'm lost.

You don't think granny having to tell her son that she is seeing his children but he can't come puts her in a difficult position then?

the younger dc's see their dad, I had hoped that granny would respect DS1 wished on this ONE occasion.

it seems its ok for STBXH to visit our town ( as he has done at least twice before) and not see the dc's. I presume granny knew about these visits but didnt tell the dcs.

A 16yo knows if he wants to see his father, or not, and his grandmother and aunt should respect that.

One would expect a father to attempt to contact his DC as often as possible, and for his sister and mother to encourage him to do so.

I really can't see why people are giving the OP such a hard time.

You keep expecting more from these people then they are ever going to give you.

It is utterly pointless. Drop the lot of them and let your ex go to court to sort out access.

It has been years.

Morloth

I know its been years

it would be the easiest thing in the world to use STBXH memory problems against him and insist on contact through the courts / at a contact center.

I have "bitten my lip" for the sake of the dc's, my life would be soooooooo much easier if there wasn't any contact.

Yabu. Ds1 saw granny without dad there. Its not your ex, granny, or sils fault that traffic was bad.

They coming to your town without informing you or see the children is fine. Maybe time is limited.

From what you post i think your kids would be better off without all the drama.

He has problems, they shouldn't be your DC's problems.

Your biting your lip makes you look like a doormat so they treat you accordingly.

They coming to your town without informing you or see the children is fine. Maybe time is limited

coming and not being ABLE to see the DC's, of course that is fine, maybe time WAS limited (though i doubt it)

coming to our town and not even letting the dc's KNOW, I think that IS unreasonable. especially as it could have saved her DGC a very long car journey.( 6 hours minimum)

Your biting your lip makes you look like a doormat so they treat you accordingly.

I wonder how many lone parents out there do the "lip biting" for the sake of their DC's having ANY conatct with their absent parent AT ALL.

I object to the term "door mat"

STBXH problmes ARE the DC's problems as his probelms affect contact.

Where are the grown ups here? Or do all the family act 12?

Loving the bullet points for 'clarity'.

YABU. There could be a million reasons why they didn't see DC when in your town, apart from anything else Granny would have to lie to her son.

Shrug it is your life cat, he isn't going to get better and they are not going to change.

Maybe no access with these selfish people would be a better option.

As I said it is your life but I do think it is a shame you keep wasting it on these people and teaching your kids to waste their time with people who don't appear to give a damp about them.

All this 'secret squirrel' visiting was a recipe for disaster really wasn't it?

Very tedious
Very childish

Damn not damp, I have a very prim phone.

Ah cat if it was anyone else I would say YABU but I do remember all your much earlier posts and the massive back story to this so I get where you are coming from.

I suspect without knowing the history surrounding your stexdh most people will think yabu.

Sorry you are still having to deal with so much crap

Your eldest needs to be honest to your STBXH, he can't hide from it forever and it's not going to get any better sadly. Better to do this now and clean break then try to play it this way again, it doesn't work and his family aren't worth it.

Do you think your other DCs may feel this way too? In the future? Perhaps a clean break is better there to?

There could be a million reasons why they didn't see DC when in your town, apart from anything else Granny would have to lie to her son.

and again ............

I KNOW there could be reasons why the COULDNT see the dc's, I just think it was unreasonable for the DC's to not to even KNOW they were visiting.

STBXH has visited at least twice before and not made ANY attempt to see the dc's. He visited my family members who hid it from me and the dc's.

and I wasnt asking granny to lie to her son about her visit to our town.

cat. Your posts and your pov make perfect sense. Your stbxh is a twat and only ever thinks about himself. Of course you are pissed off, anyone would be, but all you can do is your best for your DC and try to let his behaviour wash over you. Stick DS on the train next time!

itiswhatitiswhatitis

thanks for that.

and I accept that without the back story my opinion is less vald. but even with out the back story I dont think it ok for a dad to travel 3 hours and be within yards of his DC's and not let them know and also bring members of MY family in on "hiding" the visits.

On this occasion I think that YABU.

How wouldkknowingabout Iit benefit the DCs? Surely it would just twist the knife to know he could have seen them but couldn't be bothered?

Hopefully your DS1 will start to see through the rest of the buggers as well.

Why would the DC need to know they were visiting the town? That's ridiculous.

Of course he is unreasonable!

He has been unreasonable for years!

He doesn't care.

It doesn't really matter why, just give up on him, he is gone.