To want to get pregnant At 40 under the circumstances..

[FlourishingMrs]

Been with DP 4 years I am divorced with two DC, youngest is 9. He has never married and no DC. He has always said he is not bothered, up until now I thought I was done. I have just stopped using hormonal contraception due to effects so was going to try persona and barriers methods which we discussec and agreed.

However he since I got off the hormones, he is not using the latex, withdrawing, anything at all. In fact he is wanting it twice daily for nearly a month now. The first two weeks I kept reminding him that it's risky we could conceive. He told me that he is university educated and knows how stuff works.

This has caused me to be even more broody as I know he would make a great dad because of how he is with mine.Based on this I don't think we have the discipline for persona so I should get a copper coil or get sterilised. He has refused a vasectomy. I think I want another baby,but he has not come out with the words that he wants one. He is not good with feelings, he is a practical kind of man, dinner, flowers, cups of tea affectionate but not words. Your thoughts please.

I would just tell him your going to start prenatal vitamins just incase as your not using any contraception and if you do fall pregnant you want the baby to be healthy. The leave it at that so your trying but not trying iykwim as sounds like you have had the chat about what happens if you did fall pregnant

Btw it took mine 7/8 years to say he misses me and he works away!

Does no one use the Dutch cap these days.

I thought they were brilliant.

Thank you Gok, Purple and Dowser, I agree, it took me a while to be with a guy who was not professing, love etc frequently. He is just like your mum Gok, there is nothing he would not do in terms of showing care, he does more cooking than I do, he buys more food even though I earn a lot more than he cuts the grass etc.

Today I am hosting a New Year's Eve party for my family/friends and he is working half day to cook and mix the cocktails. He is really attentive. I will read up a out pregnancy over 40 and weigh up any risks. What is a Dutch cap? Off to Google

The Dutch cap is the diaphragm. I'm sure I saw a longish thread about them on MN not so long ago, but cannot see it it the Contraception topic. If ai do find it, I'll link it.

Sorry to say this, but I think his attitude 'it's up to the woman' is a red flag, especially if you don't know what else about raising a family this uncommunicative man might decide is women's work. Until he can say what he wants, you're guessing and that is just not right and a form of powerplay (and in worst case, his attitude of 'my way or the high way' and 'XYZ is women's stuff' could lead to downright control-led bullying).

If he cannot even talk about intentions to conceive in a normal manner, how on earth are you going to get thought the child rearing years?

Blimey .
Twice a day . How do you find the time ?

There is very clear evidence that there is higher

Sorry OP - what I mean is - don't overlook the fact that there is clear evidence that the risks of having a baby over the age of 40 are higher to you and babe.

There will be lots of people saying "it didn't happen to me" - but it doesn't happen .

Yes there are risks attached to having a baby at any age - but they ARE higher once you reach the age of 40- one factor being that your DP is a different partner than when you had your other DC (pre-eclampsia).

I don't get this. You're not 20. You're 40 and have a responsibility to the children you already have. You're planning to have a child with someone yet can't even have a straight conversation with him. Having a baby a both your ages, especially as he has no experience of a baby, will change everything and will put pressure on a relationship - a relationship you can't even talk like adults in.

Don't blame it on boarding school. Dh went from age of 11 to a different country. He manages to have grown up conversations about having children fine.

Cabbages - my DH went to a boarding school & it has had a significant affect upon his ability to verbally communicate about emotive matters.

He is a very loving DH but had no "role modelling" or family environment so struggles with that side just as OPs DP does.

Op, you are already TTC so forgetting about DP's stance for a moment, you need to be taking pre natal vitamins epecially folic acid. If you've been having unprotected sex twice a day for a month, you could already be pregnant. Start those vitamins now please!

I feel for you OP, my DH is like this too, life is a perpetual guessing game. I think you are right about the boarding school, DH went to one and missed out on so much re learning to communicate. I have teenage boys and my priority is teaching them to be able to talk about how they feel. DH was never taught to do this when he was growing up and it seems to be hard to learn as an adult.

I think he is telling you loud and clear that he wants to have a baby, but he is putting the responsibility firmly on you and I would be concerned that that would be a pattern that would continue until the child grows up.

What is he like with your dc, is he proactive about making decisions or does he expect you to do that?

But at 40 and planning to bring a child into the world, you need to be able to have a conversation about it.

Yes that's right ....the diaphragm . I forgot its other name.

It goes over the cervix and you use it with cream that is supposed to kill off the sperm.

Some women didn't like it as it was messy but you can pop it in whether you think you might have sex or not. Also can be used to catch the flow during a period, although you can get moon cups for that now which I believe are similar.

I never liked taking the pill.

I agree with a pp who says the 'going to antenatal classes and helping with night feeds' sounds quite immature and shows a very limited understanding of what raising a child actually involves.

Also, I don't think cooking dinner and running you a bath would be supportive enough if you, god forbid, suffered serious pregnancy complications, miscarriage or had a child who was disabled or very poorly.

I think a serious chat is needed, if that makes him uncomfortable then its only a taster of things to come really.

Lots of thoughts there, thanks everyone, I may actually try a diaphragm, sounds like a good way for a woman to take control without hormones.

I think I will let nature take its course until my next period due next week.Twice daily is easy, when you get up and before bed. it's normally not frequent more like 4-5 times a week.

Regarding communication, well I was married to a man with good verbal communication skills, he even used this skills on our wedding day, whilst he got up to all sorts, he does not even do as much for his own kids as my DP does now.

I think my view on relationships are more about showing me, not telling me.

OP - he sounds like a keeper I agree with all those saying about boarding school - someone in my family has a DP who went to one, and he too is unable to verbalise his emotions, and struggles with our rather touchy-feely family - but is a wonderful (and very hands-on) Dad.

I think sometimes people can be ambivalent: keen to have a baby but simultaneously anxious. So they just stop using contraception and see what happens. In my view, that's effectively a decision to have a baby without actually acknowledging it as a decision, and yes - taking folic acid would be a good idea!

I have consulted my DH (public school, boarder from the age of eight). He tells me your DP definitely wants a baby with you but doesn't want to come to terms with failure if you don't conceive. "If we weren't trying, we didn't fail".

DH could be right (he's not an emotional husk - his emotions are just profoundly suppressed).

Exactly one year ago today I told DH I was coming off the pill due to age-related suitability reasons and wasn't keen on any of the alternative options so if he didn't want to risk the likelihood of us conceiving, the ball was in his contraception court.

Today I am 4 days overdue with DC1.

We both were thrilled when we got the BFP. Turns out the new years conversation was just our way of deciding to see what happened with NTNP, without a big decisive soul-searching discussion very much in the vein of how SorchaN describes.

Oh, and since you have DC and your DP doesn't, he will apparently blame himself for any fertility issues. So it will be his failure. Ridiculous - but that's these boys for you.

ViviPru, that's lovely news for NYE. Good luck.

Congratulations ViVipru, I hope mum and baby do very well. Thank you for the more understanding comments from you guys, it explains a lot about fear of failure and assures me that some people are genuinely not vocal about there emotions, particularly ones that attended boys boarding school at a tender age.

I am now certain he is up to becoming a dad. I will get the frolic acid, I hope I am not already pregnant, we have had lots of parties over the festive season.

He is busy in the kitchen preparing lasagna for 6 children. My DC and friends.

Grovel, thank you this is very well put, definitely describes it well.

"DH could be right (he's not an emotional husk - his emotions are just profoundly suppressed)"

Congratulations vivi, we were on a wedding thread together a few years ago and you sent me some fabric samples. Good luck with the baby, we've just started TTC.