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Original poster

To want to get pregnant At 40 under the circumstances..

77 replies

FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 18:54

Been with DP 4 years I am divorced with two DC, youngest is 9. He has never married and no DC. He has always said he is not bothered, up until now I thought I was done. I have just stopped using hormonal contraception due to effects so was going to try persona and barriers methods which we discussec and agreed.

However he since I got off the hormones, he is not using the latex, withdrawing, anything at all. In fact he is wanting it twice daily for nearly a month now. The first two weeks I kept reminding him that it's risky we could conceive. He told me that he is university educated and knows how stuff works.

This has caused me to be even more broody as I know he would make a great dad because of how he is with mine.Based on this I don't think we have the discipline for persona so I should get a copper coil or get sterilised. He has refused a vasectomy. I think I want another baby,but he has not come out with the words that he wants one. He is not good with feelings, he is a practical kind of man, dinner, flowers, cups of tea affectionate but not words. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 30/12/2014 19:54

Maybe he is 'telling' you that he wants a baby then? But maybe he thinks that if he says it out loud that it will pile on the pressure to conceive?

TendonQueen · 30/12/2014 19:56

Do YOU want another baby? If you do, keep going as you are, as long as you're prepared to deal with it all alone if he backtracks. If you don't, then you need to have that conversation everyone here gap mentioned before any more sex. Never mind wondering what he wants before you've sorted your own head out. You'll be the one left holding the baby, literally.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 19:56

Funny that Mouthfulofquiz, those were my cousins exact words and she knows us well as a couple.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2014 19:57

'Yes we have discussed it, he says he would expect me to keep the baby if I got pregnant, he says that he would attend antenatal classes and help with night feeds. '

He sounds incredibly immature. Just because he's 'good with your two', he doesn't sound like he has a real idea of what parenthood is.

Something to consider, too, at 40, there is increased risk of conditions like Down's Syndrome, premature birth, etc. Is he adult enough to deal with this?

It goes beyond a few antenatal classes and night feeds. Our son, for example, has autism. It's very challenging.

LadyLuck10 · 30/12/2014 19:57

The problem is he's leaving the ball in your court, which seems like should you become pregnant it would be more of your problem. As in it could turn into you wanted the baby, you deal with the hard work. It's not a mutual desire to have a baby. He might turn out to be a great dad, but it might go the other way and then what would you do.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 20:00

Thank you, I would manage financially on my own but would not deliberately choose that. He has always said if it happened he would be a great dad.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2014 20:01

He's making it all your responsibility, which is very immature.

GokTwo · 30/12/2014 20:02

It sounds like he is a supportive, caring partner and it seems like you would be happy to have another child. He sounds keen but it's not really for us to judge whether this means that he wants a child with you. He is the only one who can answer that. Just ask him. "I would like to have a baby with you. How do you feel about that?"

fluffyraggies · 30/12/2014 20:03

Well, i'm afraid i would want a clear 'yes' out of him before going into this.

I was in your situation a few years ago as far as: got together with someone without kids, who was good with mine, but said he didn't want kids of his own. Then he began to drop hints about babies when i was coming up to coil change time. In the end i asked him straight. ''Shall we try then, or not?''.

And he said '' ... yes, i'd bloody love to Grin''

(mind you he was never shy with words in the way that your DP is, OP)

It's true that you need more than someone who 'doesn't mind that you kept it'. Pussy footing around your DP, not being able to talk about your feelings properly is going to be no fun with a screaming baby in your arms in a year or two.

GokTwo · 30/12/2014 20:04

If I were you I'd emphasise that you both need to be committed to this and that if he's not you need to start using contraception.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 20:06

Thank you Lacyluck, I expressed that to him because stopping the hormones and he said, he would not see it as my problem. I would have gone straight on the copper coil, if he did not assure me of his commitment to baby, should I conceive.

OP posts:
livegoldrings · 30/12/2014 20:20

I think you should think carefully about if you want a baby and then if you dont get some better protection or if you really do tell him in a matter of fact way and ask if he agrees, its not really about feelings, having a baby is a practical lifelong commitment to raise a child and provide for it. So you both have to be sure.

onthematleavecountdown · 30/12/2014 20:29

Bloody hell, just ask him outright, does he want a baby cause you clearly do. If the two of you can't even have a conversation about making a baby you shouldn't be risking having one until you do.

ImperialBlether · 30/12/2014 20:48

What on earth did he study at university? I don't remember any birth control lectures.

EdithWeston · 30/12/2014 21:02

"he would not see it as my problem"

So he sees it as a problem? Though not just your problem, some form of problem? Because until you talk to him properly, all we can do is guess as inferences, and there is no reason to think a welcoming one is any more likely than a problematic one.

You really need to talk to him about what another child will mean for all of you, your finances, future career, childcare etc etc. if you cannot have this sort of conversation, then you are not really ready to be planning DC.

SillyBugger · 30/12/2014 21:06

Well he has some communication issues, doesn't he? But from what you've said, he is telling you that he's quite well aware that you are in fact now trying for a baby, so if you're both happy with that then obviously go for it - lots of women have babies at 40. Good luck.

Blu · 30/12/2014 22:54

Say to him that either you are hoping, together, to have a baby, or else you are off to get a coil. What are his thoughts

He needs to show some pro-active responsibility for a decision. Explain that to him. Tell him how much you would love a baby, but that t go ahead you need to know he is taking responsibility to say that that is what he wants as well as you.

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 23:02

sillyyBugger, yes he does have communication issues when it comes to emotions, he says I communicate too much, sometimes there must be some surprises in life, he says any man who has sex with a woman should expect she may get pregnant because nothing is 100 percent safe apart from abstainance that's why he does not sleep around. He has only had very few girlfriends and ours is the longest relationship he has had since his. 30's.

For the question upthread, he had a degree in maths, engineering and a chartered accountant.

OP posts:
GokTwo · 30/12/2014 23:10

Blimey, how confusing! Why is he being so evasive?! When he says things like that how can you not respond with "so, are you saying you'd like us to have a baby?" Sorry, it just seems so incredibly obtuse, as though it is like a big guessing game for you!!!

Original poster
FlourishingMrs · 30/12/2014 23:22

Yes GokTwo, he is that sort of person, he thinks a woman has the final say on pregnancy and a man should not have unprotected sex with a woman without accepting that a child my result. It really is that simple to him.

Trust me, I try to make him say he misses me, he will say its evident because I have been calling you. If I say why don't you tell me you love me daily, he says, I show it to you daily. He is lovely but God, he needs verbal/emotional university. He is clever and witty I. Any other way. Maybe boys boarding school is not a great idea.

OP posts:
Cherrychocolate · 30/12/2014 23:28

Are you worried about asking him outright incase he says 'no', and that would be the end of it? Or are you worried he might actually say 'yes', and that will make it seem all too 'real' ? Or both?.....

I wanted to have a third baby for ages. DH and I are really close, but I was 'scared' to ask outright how he felt about it for the reasons above. Luckily one day out of the blue one Christmas he said 'maybe this time next year we might have another little one?' ........ Our DD turns 4 this week, I was 37 when I had her, and it's been wonderful :)

I hope things work out for you.

Surreyblah · 30/12/2014 23:34

Eh, you can't talk to him further because "the ball's in my court"? Odd.

You are ttc. If ttc talk freaks him out, you could term it "not trying not protecting".

Being good with your DC (who presumably he didn't spend time with as babies) and saying he'd be a good dad, do nights and so on, don't guarantee that he will be a good father, or support you through any problems, eg miscarriage.

A friend has been sorely disappointed by her DH in a situation a bit like this. Good with her DC, talked the talk but found parenting a baby harder than he expected and missed his lifestyle and doesn't pull his weight. Or of course he might be great!

Frecklefire · 30/12/2014 23:35

I am also married to a 'show rather than tell' bloke! Aggonised for 6 years over the 'baby or not' question and now have a seriously divine 17 month old at age 39. How many times does he have to show you he's ready to be a dad? Twice daily it seems!

Surreyblah · 30/12/2014 23:35

Or not trying not preventing? Can't remember the term!

GokTwo · 30/12/2014 23:37

I'm sort of fascinated by this op! My mum is a bit like that!! She is the most caring, kindhearted person you can imagine but she never tells me she loves me. She does plenty to show it though!!!

Actions do speak louder than words, I firmly believe that. Better this way around than someone who is always professing all sorts and not following that up with their actions.
Based on what you've said I would say he is very happy to have a baby with you!! I hope it works out for you both.

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