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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a rude thing to have said to a guest?

61 replies

PalominoPony · 30/12/2014 13:46

DH and I were staying at my PiL's over Christmas. I don't particularly get on with them (I have always had the impression that they rather disapprove of me as my family is not nearly as smart as theirs) but on the surface we have always rubbed along fine.

On Boxing Day, I came downstairs before dinner to join DH, PiL and SiLs in the sitting room. FiL was getting champagne for everyone and offered me a glass. I said no and he said something along the lines of, "Oh that's a shame but mind you, I think it's fair to say you did have one or two glasses yesterday". He said it in a sort of jokey way and the others sort of laughed awkwardly, but it was pretty awkward and it made me feel awful. I did have a few drinks on Christmas Day - maybe five glasses of champagne/wine or something - and I was tipsy but certainly not staggering around or anything - managed perfectly well helping with the cooking and looking after my DC and nieces and nephews and talking to various guests, etc.

I laughed it off and left the room but was really upset. AIBU to think it was a mean thing to say? We don't have a jokey relationship at all so I don't think it was just "banter" or anything. Or am I being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
BuzzardBirdRoast · 30/12/2014 14:54

All I know is I would never say that to someone else unless we had that sort of relationship, and even then it sounds like a 'loaded comment'.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/12/2014 14:57

I think I was quite a nice drunk on Christmas Day - quite happy and helpful

In your opinion...

Ohmygrood · 30/12/2014 14:57

How much did everyone else drink? Did you drink noticeably more?

ElizabethHoover · 30/12/2014 14:58

YABU and a bit of a tit

dollius · 30/12/2014 14:59

Actually, he was fucking rude to say that to you. If, as appears to be the case, they consider themselves socially above you (completely outdated rubbish that this generation seems to be going to great lengths to prolong), then the correct behaviour would be to ensure your comfort by NOT making crass comments like this. It just shows him up to be the boorish oaf he obviously is.

I have met many, many utterly poisonous men of that generation who are like this. They are supposed to have manners, but clearly have none at all. Or consider themselves above using them.

skinnyamericano · 30/12/2014 15:00

My FIL would say that to me in a jovial way, but I don't think it sounds as if you have that sort of relationship with them.

In light of other comments, I think I'd probably take offence in your situation!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/12/2014 15:04

Mind you, five glasses of champagne and I'd be swinging from the top of the Christmas tree (complete lightweight).

OP, you can't control what people say to you, you can only control your reaction to it. Just smile and wave, smile and wave.

AnneofCheese · 30/12/2014 15:04

YABU to refuse champagne. Never refuse champagne.

wowfudge · 30/12/2014 15:06

We don't know how bluntly the OP declined - if she was asked did want some champagne and just answered 'no' then FIL's comment was fine imo and just jokey anyway. He does sound old fashioned though, offering more to the men than the women.

christmaspies · 30/12/2014 15:09

Sounds harmless to me

GoringBit · 30/12/2014 15:10

Totally agree with dollius. I think to comment on how much a guest eats or drinks is incredibly rude. Either be a gracious host or don't bother.

ElizabethHoover do you feel better for that?

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/12/2014 15:11

I think it's fair to say you did have one or two glasses yesterday

'I need them staying here with you lot - perhaps you had better give me the bottle and a straw'

SuburbanReindeer · 30/12/2014 15:13

I can top that, OP.

DH and I went over to MIL's to tell her that I was pregnant (with her first grandchild). Her response?

"I did wonder why you weren't drinking."

Theoretician · 30/12/2014 15:13

5 glasses over a whole day with at least one meal isn't a lot, not by any stretch of the imagination.

It's more alcohol than I drink in a year. I'm not saying it was excessive, just that any level of consumption that doesn't immediately kill you can seem normal to the person whose level it is. If you think there's one agreed standard of normal, you're probably just projecting your own standard onto everyone else.

LadyLuck10 · 30/12/2014 15:17

5 glasses is excessive to me and maybe to them too. You don't really know how you come across to others. The other comments do sound rude though.
Also if you just said 'no' that itself is rude, so maybe he made that comment in response to that.
You may not have a 'jokey' relationship but if you both speak to each other a bit rude then you do have some sort of way with each other.

Original poster
PalominoPony · 30/12/2014 15:23

I didn't just say "No". I said something like "No, I'm OK actually, thanks".

OP posts:
Original poster
PalominoPony · 30/12/2014 15:26

Tinkly "Smile and wave, smile and wave" - I like that!

Goring - Thank you Smile

Funky - Ooh that's good. How I wish I'd thought of that!

OP posts:
dollius · 30/12/2014 15:33

I don't think 5 glasses is excessive to them FOR A MAN. The FIL has form for filling up the mens' glasses and ignoring OP's. That is unacceptably rude.

It's like people who are rude to waiters and other "serving" staff. They clearly have no idea of the correct way to behave and are perhaps not of the social standing they like to think they are.

The real upper classes would not dream of being so rude to anyone, ESPECIALLY those considered to be their social inferiors (as I said utterly outdated tosh but some still seem to buy into it). The thing is that you do not set out to make someone in a weaker position than yourself feel uncomfortable. It is a huge faux pas and marks you out as an oaf.

Fabulous46 · 30/12/2014 15:34

Jeez my FIL is horrified if I have more than a sherry. My dad was the same and very old school where women should be happy with a small sherry while the men get wasted. Some topics of conversation are completely out of bounds at my PIL's including hunting. I save that for when BIL and SIL visit ours Wink. As others have said you may think you were cheery and helpful after 5 glasses that may not be the perception of others. I know myself after 2 I go on to soft drinks to ensure I don't do my Madonna impersonation.

Mehitabel6 · 30/12/2014 16:02

Some people over analyse remarks- they must be hard to live with! I would just have taken it as a joke.

GoringBit · 30/12/2014 17:02

And some people make judgmental remarks. I suppose they must be difficult to live with too... not that they would see that.

AnneofCheese · 30/12/2014 17:06

I did mean the refusing champagne thing as a joke btw. I wasn't trying to tell you you'd made a faux pas!

Fuck em and have a good old booze up I'd say.

KatieKaye · 30/12/2014 17:15

He might be snobby, but he's shown he has no class. And that is not class as in social class, but class as in being a good host, looking after guests and putting their needs before his own. It's all about good manners and consideration.

I bet he's a stickler for "doing the right thing." Well, good etiquette is to asks a guest if they would like a drink before filling your own glass. And someone of your FIL's generation would normally be brought up to always ask a lady first of all. He's very ignorant when it comes to drink and I'd be inclined to think it was sexist.

drudgetrudy · 30/12/2014 17:31

It might have been a joke it might have been a dig-but in the scheme of things its fairly minor. I'd just ignore.
Given they generally think they are so superior to you I'd keep contact minimal and just be polite.

zeezeek · 30/12/2014 18:36

He sounds very much like the people that my (genuinely aristocratic) parents call "jump ups". I'm thinking Hyacinth Bucket here Grin.

Ignore on the basis that you have more class.

Also my family are all complete pissheads so their response would have been more like "you refused champagne after ONLY drinking 5 glasses the day before?"