AIBU, The battle of the disapproving mother in law

[Taradeliah]

AIBU. I have been with my Fiance for a couple of years . To begin with his mother was lovely to me but when we started getting closer she started becoming more difficult. Last christmas I received a christmas present from her husband but not her. I was quite upset by this but she told my partner that it was just her family tradition and my gift had been allocated to her husband to buy. My partner bought this even though it was painfully obvious that this was not true.
When we announced our engagement she said ' Why are you bothering?' and then took DH for a long chat to try to talk him out of marrying me including factors such as she hates my father ( who she knows socially) and I am too old ( there is a moderate age gap). We have weathered this storm with several straight talking conversations between me and her and she has learnt to hold her tongue. However, she and her husband are millionaires but are refusing to contribute towards our wedding . My fiance was shocked when he asked them as they can easily afford it and he felt they would definately contribute. Now, I have no interest in their money and am happy for us and my parents to pick up the tab as is traditional. The issue I have is that MIL keeps offering my husband money to go on holiday by himself or other miscellanious things.
Their reason for not paying towards the wedding was that they could not afford it , which was a bit embarrassing as they have just spent the last four months traveling the world and own several London Properties. If they had said that were traditional and expected the brides family to pay or they did not think it their place to contribute then I would not have minded in the least . Its just that it feels like a deliberate snub. Before I am accused of being grabby its really not about the money its about still feeling as if I am no approved of.

Op I personally would sort this before you get married. There are numerous posts from women on here who always had issues with MIL before she was MIL ad once married or DC can along the 'D'H showed his true colours and refused to stand up for them. Un less you know your DH will always stand up for you I'd be wary- she's showing her true colours and how she feels about you.

Well these days both families often contribute but that depends often on the couples financial circumstances. More traditional well off people seem to stick to the brides family paying. Yes they are wealthy but IME of working for wealthy people, they can be beyond tight (my millionaire boss contributed £1 for leaving presents and expected me to pay for cakes she bought everyone on Fridays)!

I think you should decide now what you best coping strategy is with her. Smile sweetly and give her no ammunition and seethe or, lay ground rules now for an initial kerfuffle that will either result in NC or a hopefully healthier way forward. Poor you though. Some rather OTT people do respect you for standing up to them and back off , some won't. Good luck.

put the bitch firmly in her place

You sound delightful

Given that you say he is close to his mother, if you try this then it will all blow up in your face. You seem to be turning this into a me Vs her competition (and I have read all your posts) which won't turn out well.

I can kinda see where she might have concerns. Men definitely don't mature at the same rate as women. 26 years old is actually quite young to be getting married IMHO, most twenty something men are trying to build careers etc. I think she is worried that he's not ready for it.

Plus you don't know what he's been telling her about you that might have raised concerns. He might have told her it was your idea to ask for money or that you don't want her to speak at the wedding. If they are close they might talk about all sorts of things that you arent aware of.

I think the gold digging thing is irrelevant tbh. Most rich people I know organise their assets very thoroughly (family trust funds) to protect against divorce. So I don't think that would be her concern.

Oooh. Y'know, it's tricky to get a really properly clear picture of a situation based on a thread on a forum, but these two lines from the OP are standing out a mile for me here:

''[My] DP adores his mummy and loves the fact she lives so close.

and

I am no push over and if she doesnt tow the line I will put the bitch in her place very firmly

This is ringing alarm bells frankly. Plus the fact that he cannot quite see the picture in the same way that you are OP: ''DP is also a bit oblivious as he has been asking if MIL can make a speech at the wedding''.

I have learned over the years that when you vocally criticising a person (no matter how much it is deserved) those that love and/or admire that person will begin to react quite blindly in their defense. A recipe for disaster in a triangle such as this! Go carefully OP.

To me DF sounds quite young at heart from how you have posted about him.

I was kinda on your side until you said that you have told your fiancé to stop accepting gifts because you don't get them?!?!?!

I don't think you have any right to dictate that and I expect his mother is aware of this and is understandably alarmed I know I would be.

Why don't you ditch the big wedding thing altogether and just get married quietly in a registry office?

Bypass all this drama/expense.

Go on a fantastic honeymoon with the money that would have got spent on the wedding and save the rest.

When it comes to future arrangements let your partner engage with MIL and dodge as many of them as you can- that way it limits the opportunities for awkwardness.

Milminge i was going to suggest a small wedding, if only to minimise the confrontation opportunities.

But then i thought that would just be dodging round the elephant in the room really. I mean if a couple cannot have the wedding of their choice because of the relationship between the MIL, the groom and the bride, then there is something that needs fixing first IMO.

I too was going to say small wedding and I too agree with you fluffy.

Op - your prospective MIL sounds like mine. She will not change. Nor is your DP likely to change and stand up to her. You will develop coping strategies that work for you and DP. Your DP has learned that the best way of dealing with his DM is to take whatever is the easy way out and she has learned that the best way to get him to do what she wants is through emotional blackmail.

The one positive is that without her you wouldn't have your DP!

Have the wedding you want and can afford. Live the lives you want to and never expect her to approve of you. Don't allow her to manipulate your relationship with your DP although accept she will try.

Wishing you good luck for the future and a long and happy marriage.

My last word,very late I know:

OP the poster who asked whether he would save you or his Mother off a cliff was not joking.

This is a horrible insidious situation already and can not be resolved.

She does not want you in his life.

Many a marriage has been ruined by these issues.

You really are worth more! Think carefully and wishing you luck!