I'm just gutted, and I really want to talk

[cherrycrushcake]

I found my way to Mumsnet via a discussion about a book and I do post here sporadically about books/gardening/pets but I have namechanged and I do need a kick up the bum but nice ones, if indeed such a thing is possible.

I'm 39 in April. I've got a bit of a difficult backstory which I won't go into now but essentially I was not "on the market" for a man for a long time, and when I was, I found meeting one who wasn't already attached was impossible!

It's hard to be too sad about that because I do have a full life in other ways but the absolute depression I feel today is over the likelihood I won't have a child.

It's very hard for anyone to empathise because friends with children generally would make jokey comments about 'you can have one of mine' and friends without are so through choice or perhaps a little younger than I am. I can't speak for anyone infertile and certainly I wouldn't be so insensitive as to draw parallels but it is there - the want to have a child coupled with the lack of ability or resources in my case.

The truth is, although I'll learn to live with it I am sure, it hurts a lot and people tend to assume it is an active choice which for some reason smarts even more.

At any rate, I had no one in real life to cry on so I've turned to here for some pull yourself together posts which Mumsnet does so well!

Happy new year to you all

Hi, so sorry you're feeling sad, however, from where I'm sitting you're too quick off the mark to be so low about life. Believe it or not, you're still young and who knows what the next few years will bring. I Have friends who have just met, had babies and married older than you. Things will get better. Honest. You do know you don't need a partner either to have a child? Have you given it any thought?

Well yes, pull yourself together is likely advice, but personally I think you should allow yourself the time and space to 'grieve' if that's the right word, and to feel and experience and assess all the emotions you are feeling. It's not an easy path and you have every right to want to talk about it.

It's not too late to try to conceive or to adopt. If having a child is so important to you, don't give up.

Agree it's not too late for you. If you were five years older it probably would be, but you've still got time. What can you do in 2015 to be pro active about achieving what you want? Can you join some dating sites? Or look into sperm donation if you want to go it alone? Don't give up, it really isn't too late!

Don't give up, it's not too late. My Dp's mum was 40 when she has him and he turned out ok . I would advise firstly to get yourself happy (easier said than done I know) and secondly get on the internet (Guardian Soulmates etc NOT mumsnet! )

Yes, it's not too late. YANBU for feeling sad about it though.

I'm slightly older than you, have no DC through choice and I am getting waves of sadness about it because it feels final now. I wonder if my hormones are staging a last ditch attempt to make me reproduce before I really am too old! I often think how incredibly sad it must be to desperately want DC and not have them.

The only kick up the bum you need is encouragement to do anything you can to help yourself. Think hard about what the best option is for you , and pursue it. Don't give up yet.

Good luck

What bluegill said :)

My 39 year old friend met "the one" a little over a year ago, have a baby, and are very happy.

You're a bit at that dithery age though aren't you (I know, been there!). Where you start thinking if you want a child regardless of whether you meet a man, you need to start doing something- investigating the process, and possible actually going through with it. But then you do have a few years left to wait a little longer, do you risk getting pregnant and then a man comes along, or do you risk waiting for the man but then it being too late for a baby...

You could give yourself something proactive to do and get a fertility check. Also the age other women in your family hit menopause will give you a rough idea of how long you may have :)

You are only 39 though, don't lose hope just yet..

Ah thank you Muppets

itsbloodyfreezing (it is!) I have tried dating sites pretty much throughout my late twenties and thirties to sadly no avail. I am in fact still a member of the Guardian but get little if any interest - females seem to outnumber males on there.

Emma and bluegill - thank you. Without wanting to go too much into my backstory (mainly for fear it would make me immediately identifiable) I am very cautious about this because some time ago now my grief for not having a family or stability spilled into foolishly deciding to have a baby alone in the manner you describe. I 'came to my senses' as it were and decided to terminate the pregnancy at 8 weeks.

That all sounds rather dismissive and as if I disapprove of women trying to have children alone, which of course I do not. However, it is safe to say that this was a decision borne not so much out of a desire to have a child but a desire to have love and acceptance (as I saw it.)

As a result, the promise I made to myself/my unborn child was to never do that again as in all honesty the sense of isolation and gut wrenching terror I had in the early stages of pregnancy is something that haunts me even now.

So I have come to accept - but not love - the fact that in all probability I will be childless.

39 is not too late. Get yourself out there and take a chance!

I

It's not too late, but I understand how you are feeling. I'm 39 and just had my first baby earlier this year after meeting and marrying my DH within a couple of years. Don't give up hope.

Some posts came along as I was typing. I have to at the mention of the Guardian! Sadly this has not proved fruitful for me in finding someone of the opposite sex to spend my life with.

I sincerely hope I shall be one of the cases who falls in love and has a child just before the cut off point as it were but time is indeed not really on my side.

I'm very sorry you're feeling so low OP. I have loads of sympathy for the feeling of having been left out of the party so to speak, and feeling like all this wonderful stuff is happening for other people, while you've been left out. It does indeed hurt so go easy on yourself.

If you're interested, there is a wonderful private community called Gateway Women (you can find it through Google), which is for women who aren't mothers for very many and different reasons. Some are at the point where they have accepted their life without children in it, others are still hopeful, and I have found it extremely supportive. Certainly no-one would dream of telling you to 'get over it' on there!

I think you need to decide what you want a baby or a family. I must admit it sounds like a family due to the termination.
I spent many years desperate for a baby and wish I'd gone it alone. I waited for dp but then suffered age related infertility - low reserve at 36
I finally conceived ds at 39 after mc.you may conceive later if you meet someone soon it choose to adopt when a dp comes along.
Must admit my initial response was go it alone and my mind boggles a bit at the termination if you're mind still wants a baby.
Have you had counciling?
It may help?
It's a very hard time of year - I remember all those depressing child free Christmas in my 30's I think I cried every time I was alone.

Ah well, maybe the Guardian is not for you. I still stand by the "get yourself happy" comment though. Learning to love and accept yourself is the first step. Good luck! X

Thank you Lotta

Andcake - I'm unsure which part of my post made your "mind boggle" but I do understand that not everyone will understand which is largely why it is something I do not speak of. However, it is relevant here.

In short, a long time ago, I was desperate for a baby. Absolutely desperate. I believed myself to be unloveable, to be ugly, to be undeserving of love and a baby - well, a baby would simply have to give me all of those things because I would be it's mother.

That was my perspective.

Fear and dread kicked in when pregnancy didn't open my sense of smell as some pregnant women state but it certainly sharpened my senses and I was able to see objectively as it were that I had been a fool, to put it mildly.

Like many women, who have terminated pregnancies, I did so because the time was not right and the reasons were not right and nothing was right.

I hope your mind is no longer "boggling."

And cake - did you conceive naturally in the end in spite of low reserve (just wondering).

Cherry - my sister is 41 and just met someone six months ago after being single for a looong time (not through internet). It can happen! And I was wondering just the other day whether she might get pregnant now.

Another positive thing is that you know you can get pregnant! (I don't yet as have never been pregnant - hence my question to and cake).

I won't tell you to pull yourself together because I think you have some perfectly valid reasons for feeling upset

I think you have two choices. You can focus on coming to terms with your situation as it is, resolving to enjoy the advantages of being single and child free (freedom, travel, more disposable income, time for friends and hobbies etc.) and investing your time and energy in the areas of your life that you are happy with.

Or you can focus on changing your situation, if that's what you want to do. 39 is not old by any means and there are potentially ways to meet a partner and/or have a family at this age if this is what you want. I think it's fair to say it's easier to meet someone organically (through friends or just by getting chatting to someone at the pub for example) when you're in your twenties. Most of my friends who've met their partners later in life have done so through things like evening classes, online dating, volunteering, blind dates set up by friends etc. These things can be nerve-racking and seem like a massive effort at times but may well prove to be worth it.

I have a single friend in his forties who recently adopted a child. It hasn't been an easy process and definitely not a decision to be taken lightly but he is certainly glad he decided to take the leap and he and his DS are very happy together. It may not be how you envisioned having a family but it is an option.

Adoption is a little too close to home due to my job so isn't a route I will be exploring.

It is possibly a little difficult to understand from the outside why someone who is fertile doesn't wish to go down the route of adoption or having a baby alone, but being pregnant, alone, terrified and ill is an experience that haunts me still. I recognise other women can do a stirling job but clearly I lack their emotional strength as it made me severely depressed (not something I had suffered from previously) and fear was the thing that haunted me from going to sleep to waking up.

I may not want a baby in my circumstances as they are now - this doesn't mean I don't feel real sadness over how things have in fact turned out.

I wish you all well

Cherry I totally understand. My sister also had a termination - not the right time, not the right man.

Have you read any Pema Chodron? She's a Buddhist nun who's written some wonderful books about coming to terms with your situation and finding peace. I think some of the titles are Start Where You Are, The Places That Scare You and Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Have a look, I think they'd be really good to read at this time.

Many thanks, Novelty

I don't think people realised the termination happened close to two decades ago. I only mentioned it to explain my reluctance to "go it alone" - something easy to say but difficult to do I feel, much like adoption.

I can understand why you don't want to go it alone. I have a relative who did IVF alone and ended up with triplets. She was very fortunate to get pregnant on the first attempt, never mind with triplets and of course she loves them to pieces but her life is very hard. Her world revolves around them and she rarely gets a minute to herself, so her chances of meeting anyone romantically are virtually zero. It sounds like you want a family rather than a child and willingly becoming a single parent is tough. I can understand why you don't want to adopt too. In theory, I would love to do it but I have seen a loving couple already with an adopted child be rejected and it must be soul destroying. There are a few things that have happened in my life that I wouldn't really want to be grilled on by social services so for that reason I won't be doing it.

You have still got time though. I would spend the next few years going all out to find a partner if that's what you want. At least then you can say you really tried and it didn't work out. Good luck, I hope you're able to build a happy life for yourself whatever happens.

I do think I have tried but it just doesn't happen; I really am not sure why!

Do people really think I have a few years - I thought I was looking at perhaps two years - three years maximum in which to meet someone AND have a child.

Yes I conceived naturally- even the mc basically I had been told 1% with ivf 1% without. So saved incase I needed de but used dhea etc and got lucky after 3 years. My advice work on egg quality.
Back to op- I had a termination 20 years back but still would have considered going it alone in my 30s.
If I had known what I knew now I would have kept that baby ( even now when I long for a 2nd) I've had a successful career but would give it all up for more kids.
You did what was right for you then and you could do what would makes you happy now - it's what choice and family planning is about.

I agree but as I've explained I really don't think going it alone is for me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I'm sorry that you're feeling so fed up about your situation. You do still have time. I have friend who in the space of 2 years, met a man, they bought a house together, got married and she recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl, and she's 43. Don't lose hope just yet. I wish you a happy 2015. Do come back and let us know how you're getting on