I'm just gutted, and I really want to talk

[cherrycrushcake]

I found my way to Mumsnet via a discussion about a book and I do post here sporadically about books/gardening/pets but I have namechanged and I do need a kick up the bum but nice ones, if indeed such a thing is possible.

I'm 39 in April. I've got a bit of a difficult backstory which I won't go into now but essentially I was not "on the market" for a man for a long time, and when I was, I found meeting one who wasn't already attached was impossible!

It's hard to be too sad about that because I do have a full life in other ways but the absolute depression I feel today is over the likelihood I won't have a child.

It's very hard for anyone to empathise because friends with children generally would make jokey comments about 'you can have one of mine' and friends without are so through choice or perhaps a little younger than I am. I can't speak for anyone infertile and certainly I wouldn't be so insensitive as to draw parallels but it is there - the want to have a child coupled with the lack of ability or resources in my case.

The truth is, although I'll learn to live with it I am sure, it hurts a lot and people tend to assume it is an active choice which for some reason smarts even more.

At any rate, I had no one in real life to cry on so I've turned to here for some pull yourself together posts which Mumsnet does so well!

Happy new year to you all

Thanks andcake - would you mind me asking what else you took apart from dhea? (So sorry cherry for thread hijack - no more Qs now!)

Cherry - yes I do think you have enough time. I know someone else who met someone at 40 and had a child at 42. Do you live in a town/city or more rural? It can be tough trying to meet someone if more rural (though I have a friend who lives rurally who say lots of farmers pair off late due to focussing on farm when younger?!).

Do look up Pema Chodron though - she's really wonderful, and does podcasts too.

I think saying "oh you've got time" is meant kindly but also isn't great when somebody's trying to move to acceptance.

I definitely think you could perhaps indulge in something you couldn't do with children - I have no interest in travel, really, but I love horses and if I was in my late 30s and it looked like having a baby wouldn't happen I would definitely buy a horse or two. I'd have a house full of animals actually I think :)

I think you can find stuff that gives meaning to your life, and this doesn't have to be a child, but it's still okay to be sad about it.

Dear Cherry like others here I really think you do have time.

I was unceremoniously dumped a few months before my 39th birthday by a man who had led me to believe he wanted children with me. In fact it was just a carrot he was dangling as he knew I wanted kids so much. When I finally asked him to put his money where his mouth was, he bailed and I was gutted, alone and absolutely sure that was my chance of having a family over.

But then I met someone else completely randomly a couple of months later. I was very forthright about wanting a child and that if he wanted that too, we didn't have time to waste. Within six months we were married, two months later I was pregnant, and I now have a DD (18 months old) who is an absolute joy. And who knows we may even squeeze another one in too. And I've never been happier.

I hope that doesn't sound smug, but just know it can happen. If you do meet someone you may have to be more upfront about the baby thing than feels comfortable though.

I wish you the absolute best of luck with it, you sound lovely, very smart and like you have thought everything through very thoroughly.

Why do you assume you need a man to have a child? That is your first error.
I have a relative who had children without a man. It's pretty easy these days. You can still work full time and just need to find childcare. Job done. Get on with it. Plenty of us are full time working single mothers.

Flower this has all been covered. I'm not in a position where I can have a child alone.

Tartan - thank you. Acceptance is what I'm aiming for.

Soggy and novelty I do appreciate your points but meeting someone and having a child in the three year bracket I have is unlikely - not impossible but 40 is too late for some and I would certainly be 40 at the very earliest before giving birth. Do bear in mind I have tried unsuccessfully to meet someone for a number of years now.

The OP doesn't want a child alone Flower

cherry yes, I know the window is narrowing. But just wanted to point out that - it's by no means impossible!

The Pema Chodron recommendation is all about acceptance. (I'll stop mentioning her now - and no, I'm not paid commission! )