Really upset but not sure if AIBU???

[PweciousPwincess]

Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.

Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.

She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.

What do I do? What do I say?

How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?

[judydoes]

OP , I think she DOES value you. She trusted you to accomodate her new partner, she wanted you to meet him-he probably wanted to meet you too, despite not knowing anybody, you told her that if the choice was not see her at all, or see her with him, you'd not see her. She took that choice-she might be feeling pretty hurt herself!

Does she know you're depressed and down?If not, she's done not much wrong here. She probably wants two people she likes a lot together on NYE and thought it'd be lovely.

If she DOES know, she likely felt it would be a good thing for you to have two more cheerful people around-I doubt she did it to make you feel awkward.

I forget who it was but a posted UT said to text her and say you've changed your mind and would like to have them around. It might do you good , or at least be a lot less difficult than you imagine. You might make a great new friend.

It's preferable than cutting yourself off, anyway.

[SolidGoldBrass]

You do sound very whiny and self-pitying - though if you are not well it could be down to that. What's your romantic history like? And what about the other friends you plan to see - are they all girls, or mostly couples?
I can see why your friend wanted to bring the new man if (for instance) she would otherwise have been the only single person at the party. I can also see that, if you have had a bad relationship history and currently don't date, you could get into the mindset of it being a stupid/shitty/selfish thing to do, to want to date or have sex with men.

[GColdtimer]

I don't think you are unreasonably to be upset - I used to have a friend who did this sort of thing all the time (change long standing plans to accommodate latest boyfriend). It does make you feel a bit second best. Just learn from thus and don't expect too much from her in future.

[monkeytroubles]

I think it was unfair of your friend to ask you to play host to a stranger (not to mention being a third wheel, which is never fun) knowing you have recently been unwell. She could have suggested they book into a hotel or she could have just told her new man "sorry but I have longstanding plans with a friend who has had a tough time recently, let's celebrate together another night". Perhaps she should also have realised that you might feel put on the spot by her request and therefore feel compelled to say it was totally fine for her to spend NYE with her boyfriend out of politeness when that wasn't actually how you felt. I can see how you would feel hurt and that she has cancelled your plans in favour of her new relationship. But, let's be honest, who hasn't been a bit insensitive to the needs or feelings of their friends in the beginning stages of a relationship? It's not a deliberate or conscious thing but when you're in that honeymoon phase you do become completely wrapped up in each other and everything else takes a backseat. It's not right but it's what happens when you meet someone new and it's a temporary thing so not really grounds for "re-evaluating the friendship" or deciding that it means no one gives a shit about you. It's OK to be pissed off for a while but if you choose to let it a.) ruin your New Years Eve and b.) ruin the friendship then that is down to you and not your friend.

[Goldmandra]

I meant did she tell you she might be coming or ask if it was still OK?

I think I might be a bit irritated if she was assuming she could still come but maybe that is unreasonable.

[slithytove]

I would tell her you've made alternative arrangements. A pp had it right. You are an option, not a priority. Don't let yourself be second best now.

[judydoes]

For what It's worth, I think the third wheel thing is subjective. I have friends who are couples that I love spending time with, and It's not because I am not single as I've always been like this about friends, I like to get to know people's partners and have never had the 'third wheel' feeling, well perhaps as a very young teenager but not since.

Your friend may be like that as well OP? Or leaning that way therefore unaware of how others (you, in this case), might feel?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I personally would let her come, and just enjoy the evening.

[PweciousPwincess]

Thanks for the love, SolidGoldBrass Yes, I am ill and yes she knows. I have severe mental health issues, am involved with the crisis team, have a mysterious illness which has put me in hospital over Christmas and left me feeling run down. I would like to point out before somebody assumes it - no, I have not dragged her down into my mh stuff. I have matter of factly told her what's going on for me, and been very grateful for the phone calls when she is available, but I don't take take take. And the friendship is reciprocal, I have been there for her plenty in other ways.

I am not seeing anyone due to aforementioned health issues, but would not say my relationship history is "bad". I am taking time to concentrate on healing my issues as best I can before going back into the dating game. She would not have been the only person there without a bloke, it's a mix of coupled ups and singles.

[PweciousPwincess]

Goldmandra she just said it as if it was still ok to come.

No either way it won't ruin the party for me with the other people, whatever happens.

[Joshuajosephspork]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She is being incredibly rude. She had plans with you, which she ditched for 'something better' and now, when it looks like that may fall through she's happy to use you as a fall back. I'm not surprised you are hurt.

[MargaretRiver]

You mention that she just split from the previous guy 2 weeks ago

So were the NYE plans a recent, casual thing?
Rather than longstanding plans?

Makes a difference to whether SIBU or not, for me

[gobbynorthernbird]

OP, you say about having made plans, but I read your plans as being fairly casual. You had invited your friend to tag along with you to another friend's party, then you're all going to look at other peoples' fireworks. If you had dinner booked or tickets to an event, I could understand the upset. As it is, I can understand your friend not seeing it as a big deal whether she's there or not.

[PweciousPwincess]

NYE plans organised about six weeks ago, there was trouble in her last relationship then.

Yes plans are casual in terms of not doing anything fancy, however she wasn't just tagging along. It wasn't like that, both of us have been saying we were looking forward to it and treating it as something definitely happening, not just a maybe.

Anyway I don't really care anymore at this point. Thank you for letting me explore how I felt about it, and thank you to the people who understood why I was hurt, and thanks too for those of you offering other points of view.

[Redglitter]

I think you're being unfair to your friend. She asked if he could come you said no. You then said you'd understand if she wanted to spend time with him and you'd catch up later. If a friend sent me that text under those circumstances I'd think it was really nice of her to understand. YOU said you understood and inferred in that text it was ok for her not to come, you can't then get all upset when she takes you up on your offer.

I think even considering 're evaluating' the friendship is ridiculous

[DropYourSword]

But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

You really really shouldn't. You made her choose. I'm also confused as you say in your OP you've never met him, but in subsequent posts that you have. You issued an ultimatum (although you don't see it as that)and it's backfired on you. Don't take this as a personal slight. Just enjoy your night and meet up with her some other time.

[PweciousPwincess]

Where have I said I have met him? I have not met him. I would like to meet him someday, sure. I have heard her mention him before in friendship context and he always sounds like a nice chap. But don't want him staying in my house, sorry.

Yeah, I made her choose because I didn't like the position she put me in. Fair enough. She chose him. I actually don't care anymore right now. It IS ok for her not to come, I don't want to control anyone, it's not that - what I was upset about is she didn't WANT to come. I don't fucking want her here unless she wants to be here and she doesn't, not without changing the original plan to incorporate somebody I've never met, staying in my place, when I'm sick and stressed and just wanted a relaxing fucking time. Is that so tough to understand? Jesus. The whole dynamic gets changed once you add in another person, especially a romantic partner, it wouldn't be us having a cosy dinner and catching up together before heading to the party. It would be the three of us eating together, in a much more superficial social way BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HIM. Then, him sleeping on my floor, again awkward. Hotel not an option because she would take that suggestion as bitchy as she is broke.

Fucking hell. I get that I am U to be so hurt and annoyed that I would bring it up with her (not gonna do that now, thanks to general consensus on MN) but is it really so difficult to understand where I am coming from?

Fwiw, I am over the hurt/ over myself now. I just don't care as much as I did earlier. I will not be making the same effort with this friend, but certainly won't be cutting her off etc. Play it by ear and see what happens.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I understand where you're coming from, OP. I think your friend's behaviour is rude and insensitive, and I don't blame you for being disappointed. She should have told her new boyfriend that she has longstanding plans with an old friend.

Don't burn any bridges while you're feeling vulnerable, though. Let it lie for now, and just focus on having a nice, laid-back New Year.

[DropYourSword]

Is not tough to understand you're hurt, but whats so tough to understand what we are saying too. She DID want to come to yours. But you put her in a tough position. Maybe her new bloke didn't make her choose like you did. And now you've blown up deciding she doesn't care about your friendship as much as you do, and that you'll reevaluate her friendship based on this tiny incident. Reverse the tables, doesn't that make you sound just as unreasonable as you think she is behaving?

I have just supported her through a rough break up and rarely get to see her without the latest man being there

This is where it reads that you've already met him, although I now wonder if you mean that in a general sense rather than this particular guy.

She is already down in London though right, and he's coming down from Scotland. So where is she staying right now? Can't they go back there rather than staying at your flat.

Depression is horrible. I know that. I am working through it myself. But don't push people away by twisting a situation and coming out as the victim when it's not the case.

[PweciousPwincess]

I meant that as in this bloke is the latest in a string of several, not that I have met him.

For the nth time, yes I made her choose - because I felt backed into a corner, I suppose. It may be unfair to ask someone to choose but I feel it was unfair what she wanted me to do. I never put her in any tough position, I wasn't the one changing the plans. And again, like I said numerous times already, I realise that people can change their minds and want to go do other stuff and that is ok and none of my business HOWEVER it still hurts to be dropped like that. Yeah, she did still want to come, but only if things are way different and nothing like what we'd planned!

No she is not in London, she lives in Manchester.

I'm not casting myself as a fucking victim btw. I'll shrug it off and move on.

[DropYourSword]

You sound a lot like my sister.

[PweciousPwincess]

Ok I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

[Echocave]

Hi OP, just seen something else you've posted and I wanted to send you support as you're having a tough time. Dont waste any more energy getting her up about the NYE thing. Your friend has been thoughtless and I reckon rude too but don't dwell on it if possible. If you want to think about whether she's worth it in a few days' time then do that. But give yourself a break and try to have a good New Year anyway. All the best.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

You did the right thing not letting her boyfriend stay, I'm sorry for you that she wants to spend the evening with him, but I'm not surprised. Don't say anything, and try to enjoy yourself. And get well soon.

[PastPerfect]

I'm not sure why you're being given such a hard time OP.

Being ditched by a friend on NYE because she has had a better offer is shit in the best of circumstances, when you have been ill and in hospital it is doubly so.

And for all this PPs saying but she wasn't ditched it was just a change of plans, having a stranger at a small gathering totally changes the dynamic (especially where the gathering is a small group of female friends and the stranger is a new boyfriend) and a request for said stranger to sleep in your bedroom floor makes the change impossible