Really upset but not sure if AIBU???

[PweciousPwincess]

Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.

Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.

She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.

What do I do? What do I say?

How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?

[WooWooOwl]

I understand why, but you are taking this far too personally.

She has her boyfriend staying with her if he's coming from Scotland to London or somewhere near, so if she chose to say with you without her man does that mean he'd just be on his own away from home on NYE?

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but that's what it sounds like, and if that's the case then you are being over the top to decide that your friendship means nothing to your friend because of this.

It also sounds like the friends that you will be visiting are more your friends than hers, so it's understandable that she wasn't looking forward to spending an evening with them as much as you were. If you had planned to spend the night doing something just the two of you, you'd have more of a point.

[saturnvista]

One other thing. However unreasonable or otherwise you are about the issue, you came across pretty stroppy and ungrateful in your responses to posters who were trying to help you. I suppose you could be taking them for granted because you feel taken for granted. Whatever. It's not going to encourage friends to flock around, that's all I'm saying.

[Frogme]

Oh op YANBU to feel hurt, but Ywbu to tell her so. It is no reflection on your friendship. He is driving down from Scotland. Does she cancel his whole visit? Or does she leave him on his own at her place? That's not reasonable is it?
Yes a relationship does change things. I think YANBU to ask that you do spend some time together in the future, without him. But you can't expect things not to change at all.

Please don't cut off your nose to spite your face. As long as she makes some effort to make time for you later on, let this nye party go.

[Bathsheba]

I'm sorry you feel hurt. My DH and I had a very intense relationship from moment 1.

I know that 2/3 weeks in seems really short term to you, but at that point we would not have considered NYE apart.
You have said that he - As a stranger " is not welcome and in a similar place I would have gone with him rather than the person who said he wasn't welcome

[bobbyjoe]

I think you did the right thing to say you didn't want him to stay. No way could he have slept on your floor, a complete stranger to you.

Don't think it is a slur to you though. She still wanted to come and spend NYE with her friends. She just wanted to bring him too but didn't think of the practicalities. I can see why you're upset. You were looking forward to spending time with her, catching up then doing something nice together. It wouldn't be the same with him there so it's good you were assertive enough to say no to them staying together - that would not have been good for you at all.

Try not to think too much about it. Go and see your other friends - I'm guessing she'd only be there because of you as they're not her friends? She's lost out really. Has she apologised to you? Or does she know these other friends and will be there with him anyway?

[PweciousPwincess]

No she doesn't know the other friends, won't be there, I suppose they will have a romantic night in and I hope they enjoy it.

I won't cut off my nose to spite my face, I still think she is a great person however just not very thoughtful. I won't be bothering as much in future, I don't see the point in making plans to have them messed with and totally changed. I'm all for a bit of flexibility - we usually are both flexible in terms of planning to get to see each other a few times a year because we live quite far away - but in this case, no I'm not going through the stress of it.

[PweciousPwincess]

No she's not apologised and there isn't really anything to apologise for. If she feels like that she is perfectly within her rights, as am I not to want the two of them here, and nobody owes anyone an apology I think. I'm just sad about it.

[WooWooOwl]

It is fine for you to say you didn't want him to stay, I can completely see why you said no to that. But that's not the problem any more, it's that you are feeling as if you have been treated terribly when you really haven't been.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

When friends fall in love they become very focused on that rush of feeling and become less emotionally available to their friends, temporarily. If she is still being preoccupied in three months, reasses then.

In the meantime, cut her some slack. She is right to prioritise her own life. Hopefully she will return to being available to you in the way you are used to once things have evened out and she and her new man feel more secure together.

A new relationship is a very delicate thing - easily broken. She just wants to breathe life into it right now. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.

[cedricsneer]

It's fine to be sad, and understandable. But don't harbour this bike for someone who is a good friend.

[bobbyjoe]

No, you're right to feel let down. She had an arrangement with you and she should have stuck to it. Nothing wrong with asking if he could come but she still should have come even when it was a no - or at the very least apologised and said I'm really sorry but it's early days and I want to spend every minute with him. Even though that's crap at least it's understandable. But she owes you an apology in my view.

What's that saying about don't make someone a priority that only makes you an option? Stay friends but I wouldn't bend over backwards for her.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

I agree with bobbyjoe in as much as your friend should have been charming and apologetic about her choice.

And you were right to state your needs about not wanting him to stay over.

But friends do sometimes need to put their own lives first. It depends what she is usually like I think.

[PweciousPwincess]

Of course she needs to prioritise her own life.

She's just split up from a guy a couple of weeks ago and now she is with this new guy who used to be a friend. There's always a man, always a drama, the last three have been abusive twats so this is why I hope this new one is genuine and doesn't hurt her. I had just hoped there was a bit of relaxed time to spend together in between all the guys and drama.

[jackfrosticle]

Wow.

I think you're friend just ditched her longstanding plans with a mate and that's bad form, so I totally get why you're upset.

I'm confused why the consensus is that you're in the wrong here. In fact, I remember a thread quite recently where a poster wanted to leave a weekend away early in order to spend time with a new boyfriend and was torn to bits over it.

Will try and find it.

But, in short, YANBU to not want to change your plans at short notice, though I don't think it's fair to see her decision as an ultimatum if she's not aware of it.

[jackfrosticle]

here ok, slightly different because the OP in this one hadn't asked to bring her b.f, but still...

[PweciousPwincess]

That's interesting, that other thread, Jackfrosticle. Guess I'm far from the only person who would be hurt in this type of situation.

[PweciousPwincess]

I'm not issuing an ultimatum. I'm saying that I am not putting in as much effort in future because it's too risky.

[princessconsuelobananahammock]

So are you not going to see your other friends now either?

[PweciousPwincess]

Erm, what? Of course I am seeing my other friends? Did I say something by mistake? I didn't think I had..

If it's my comment about not putting in effort you are referring to, no, that goes for this particular friend in question. I will not be making as much effort with her, no. Has nothing to do with other friends.

[princessconsuelobananahammock]

Ah ok sorry, your post earlier read like your other friends were going to have a romantic night in.

[cansu]

Yes she is being a bit pathetic to dump you for new bloke. However I would probably say nothing as I am sure she is well aware that she has been an arse. She will probably be defensive if you say anything and tbh what would t achieve? She is unlikely to say oh yes you are right, I will come and spend it with you and even if she did you would probably still feel hurt that you were second choice or she gets arsey with each other and fall out. Say nothing but you are right to be slightly pissed off with her.

[maddy68]

Seriously? This is you not her.

She wanted to include her partner you declined. Now you're hurt she's chosen him?
Reality check needed here. Sorry but you are most definely bu

[PweciousPwincess]

Latest text is new bloke might not be able to drive down from Scotland after all, something wrong with his car, so she might come now after all

[Goldmandra]

Did she ask you or tell you?

[PweciousPwincess]

Goldmandra, am not sure what you mean? If it was about the text she sent just now, she said about the boyfriend and the car and that she might be able to come now after all, would let me know her plans when he tells her what he's doing.