Really upset but not sure if AIBU???

[PweciousPwincess]

Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.

Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.

She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.

What do I do? What do I say?

How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?

[whois]

I don't see why the OP is being told she is so U. An extra person who you don't know really changes things if you're having a small party.

I'm having a few friends round tonight, all close friends. One person asked if they could being another friend - I've met them once 4 years ago and DP has never met them. We said no. No hard feelings. Sometimes it's nice to be more open but I just don't really feel like entertaining a stranger tonight.

[Bailey101]

I can't understand why so many people are giving the OP such a hard time.

I'm in good health and have a 2 bed flat all to myself but I wouldn't have a stranger staying in my home - I'm shocked that someone would even suggest that the OP should have him sleeping on her bedroom floor!

I'd also be raging if a friend significantly changed plans because of a man she's seeing. That's beyond rude and inconsiderate and I wouldn't tolerate it.

PweciousPwincess, I hope you have a great new year with your other friends and that your friend realises how cheeky she's been!

[ClashCityRocker]

To be honest, I think plans made in advance should be stuck to where possible.

I get that he was driving down from Scotland - but at that point, shouldn't she have said 'I've already got plans for NYE'? Or at least come up with some sort of compromise - a B and B or something.

So I think YANBU.

However, I wouldn't lose too much sleep about it, if it is a one-off, and certainly wouldn't tear myself up about it. I suspect I've pissed friends of in favour of a bloke before and in reality, most people will not be the perfect friends all the time. It does sound like you are going through a really shitty time at the minute, and sometimes even good friends fail to really realise that their actions can be perceived as being more hurtful than they actually are. I think you're overthinking it a bit.

Hope you have a good night and a fabulous 2015

[championnibbler]

Of course she was going to pick him over you!
she's obviously delighted with herself that she's bagged a man. and in time for new years. i'd say she's chuffed with her good fortune.
this isn't about you but about her not being single on new years eve.
leave her off, i would not give her a second thought.
enjoy your night.

[OutsSelf]

Didn't look to me like a better offer - looked like he was going to drive down from Scotland and she then felt like she couldn't leave him alone in her flat for NYE so she asked if he could tag along. It probably fell through because they both ended up sacking off plans they felt uncomfortable about - her with you and he with his mates. She probably felt bad a both the thing with you and has decided not to sack it off. Your interpretation isn't the only way of looking at it OP but it is the interpretation in which she comes off as a heartless cow and you come off as unvalued. Choose another one!

[Waitingfordolly]

I also think yanbu. I think it was fine of her to ask, fine for you to say no, particularly with the sleeping situation, and then you would have expected her to stick to the original plan - perhaps she thought you genuinely didn't mind though. Sometimes you just have to let it go to keep the peace though. Hope you have a nice time, especially as things have been tough.

[JustWantToBeDorisAgain]

OP YANBU

I would be hurt if a friend ditched me for a better offer at the last minute.

You are just out of hospital and a man you don't know would be sleeping on your bedroom floor, I think you were very resonable to say no.

Your friend is presumptious, if her better offer falls through she will be back to you....

That's not a good friend

[AllTheUserNamesAreTaken]

OP YANBU. I do find it strange that so many people are saying YABU. Many times on MN I've read threads where posters say you don't cancel plans when a better offer comes along. Posters insist that their children stick to plans they've made, such as to go to a birthday party etc. Why is it acceptable for this friend to ditch the OP in favour of a bloke she's been 'in a relationship' with for all of one week?! Yes, OP gave her friend an out but the friend was pretty crap for taking it, particularly knowing that the OP has been pretty ill recently.

I wouldn't want someone I've never met before staying overnight in my bedroom even if I was in the greatest of health, never mind when I'd been so poorly.







Pwecious, I think YANBU to be pisses

[PollyIndia]

Another one saying YADNBU OP. And I understand why you gave the ultimatum - of course you don't want your friend and her new boyfriend of a week sleeping on your floor. Would anyone really want that when they have been ill and in hospital? Your plans were made months ago and it's bad form to ditch them for a better offer. I am really surprised other posters don't see that!

[redfairy]

TBH OP I'd be even more pissed now she is saying she may be available again. Very gracious of her. Have you responded?

[saoirse31]

hope u have nice nye op but hope u r friend does too. I do think yabu but u also sound v v stressed and unhappy and I hope that improves and that 2015 is a good yr for u.

[2015]

YANBU

What an odd thread. I thought it was the law on MN that you can't ditch friends because you have a better offer

OP, I think you are completely reasonable to feel put out by this. I would have said no to the BF staying too even if i was feeling well. I think you are doing the right thing by not saying anything to her about it. I'd just chalk it up to experience and understand that she is the type of person who can do this. It's not AWFUL behaviour but it's a bit shabby.

Hope you have a lovely NYE and that you feel better soon.

[DrinkleBells]

I too have no idea why the OP is being torn to shreds. She had made plans with a friends, friend wanted to tag along a new bf, which would result in in awkward sleeping arrangement and overall change in atmosphere. No idea why she shouldn't communicate she felt let down. if they're true friends they should be honest to each other.

[newyearsresolutionsnotforme]

I do hate it when people ditch other people/plans when they get a DP- fine when it's once or twice but it's rare it's not habitual with these kind of people.

I think you made it very easy to make the choice to spend with him initially, not that there was much else you could do without kicking up a fuss and being unreasonable.

If your friend is one who ditches for better offers or a new DP then I wouldn't waste too much time on them OP.

[Miserablenamechanger]

What did you/she decide to do?

[Aridane]

OP - I don't think you're being unreasonable to be hurt / offended by your friend's thoughtlessness, and am sorry you're being given such a hard time on this thread. However, I wouldn't bother explaining to your 'friend' how she has made you feel.

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

this used to happen to me quite regularly OP so I totally feel your pain. Unfortunately, I learned that I was, to some extent, bringing it on myself.

You told her you didn't mind if she didn't come, but you DO mind, massively. Really you should have said so, people can't be expected to read your mind. In fact it's not too late... I would ring her up and say "I know I said I was fine about it, but I've realized I'm totally gutted your not coming. I'm sorry the bf can't come but I'm hurt you've picked him..."

your feelings are totally fine to have, but if you don't tell people, they won't know. And now you're talking about distancing yourself from your friend which will baffle her because YOU said it was fine!

I used to think I couldn't tell people how I felt because it would make them feel guilty or uncomfortable, buy essentially you're then sacrificing yourself and how you feel for them. It might make for an awkward conversation but at least everyone will know where they stand at the end of it.

Perhaps there is a compromise to.be had, maybe she can come and see you solo in the New Year and you can have some quality time together...

[valrhona]

I don't think you're BU either OP. I'm pretty sure if you had more living space, time, and better health this wouldn't be as much of an issue. But it's been dumped on you now when you are feeling vulnerable and I wouldn't appreciate this either in your shoes. And I'd be even less impressed at her re-inviting herself now that new bf has car issues.
The other side of me though says if you think you'd still genuinely enjoy her company on NYE I'd probably ride it out and go ahead with plan A. Life is short. If you think not, then tell her sling her hook. Not Unreasonable though.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I see you are obviously hurting but I think it's because you are in a bad place and feeling low. Which you totally have my sympathies for.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

If he had driven down she couldn't really have left him on his own NYE because you didn't want him there.

I also think it's fair enough she is trying to come as he can't make it.

Not giving a hard time just my opinion.

[EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh]

I get it. She sounds like a flake.

[echt]

Also not sure why the OP is catching it here. Her friend has subjected her to a version of having a better offer, invariably regarded as rude.

OP, YANBU.

[PastPerfect]

I'm not sure why you're being given such a hard time OP.

Being ditched by a friend on NYE because she has had a better offer is shit in the best of circumstances, when you have been ill and in hospital it is doubly so.

And for all this PPs saying but she wasn't ditched it was just a change of plans, having a stranger at a small gathering totally changes the dynamic (especially where the gathering is a small group of female friends and the stranger is a new boyfriend) and a request for said stranger to sleep in your bedroom floor makes the change impossible

[BathshebaDarkstone]

You did the right thing not letting her boyfriend stay, I'm sorry for you that she wants to spend the evening with him, but I'm not surprised. Don't say anything, and try to enjoy yourself. And get well soon.

[Echocave]

Hi OP, just seen something else you've posted and I wanted to send you support as you're having a tough time. Dont waste any more energy getting her up about the NYE thing. Your friend has been thoughtless and I reckon rude too but don't dwell on it if possible. If you want to think about whether she's worth it in a few days' time then do that. But give yourself a break and try to have a good New Year anyway. All the best.