Really upset but not sure if AIBU???

[PweciousPwincess]

Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.

Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.

She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.

What do I do? What do I say?

How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?

[ginhag]

Ok OP, I don't know how much you are reading of what we are all saying/suggesting but you are sounding increasingly UR. I know you are feeling like the world is against you but you are seeing this as your friend rejecting you when actually you told her she could be with him but not you as well.

He is prepared to hang out with a bunch of people he doesn't know, which shows he cares about your friend. You wouldn't have to be all entertainy and hostess-ish as everyone else there will be your closest friends. All you have to do is not shut her out.

Please stop twisting it into a 'no-one gives a fuck about me' scenario because I promise that from a neutral perspective that is not what it looks like, it really isn't.

Tell them to come but to stay in a hotel. Please. Otherwise this is going to overshadow your NYE which it really shouldn't, and which is the last thing you need at the moment.

You want your friend there, she WANTS to be there, she hasn't just rejected you because of a 'better offer.' PLEASE try to see that.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

It just speaks volumes about the friendship at the end of the day, and while it hurts like fuck right now I'm better off knowing this is what it means to her.

It's hard not to take this personally, I do see that but really, don't. This is not about you. First NYE with a np is quite significant for many people and she had still intended to spend it with you too, until you effectively told her not to.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Actually ignore my last post - ginhag has put it across perfectly

[PweciousPwincess]

Friends throwing the party do know her, yes. We are not staying at their place however, and having already asked to bring her, it would feel slightly awkward asking to bring another person that neither I or they have met.

No, I don't have a partner. The friend who has backed out, I have just supported her through a rough break up and rarely get to see her without the latest man being there, maybe this is partly why I am so annoyed. She has been a great friend but men always, always come first. There's never any time to just hang out and talk properly without a boyfriend, and that changes what you can talk about.

[LIZS]

But friend didn't cancel, she made a request to change plans and op apparently gave her a choice to come or not. Not blaming her for not wanting a stranger in the house but this situation was a risk she ran. It is too late to get angry and hurt now. If she needed friend's support and really wanted her to come at all costs she had the opportunity to say so.

[PweciousPwincess]

Ginhag, he would have to sleep in my bedroom, on the floor. I houseshare in London, we have no lounge. So I would have to be a hostess, pretty much. I can't just loll around in my pants the way I would if it was just my friend staying.

[Goldmandra]

It would speak volumes about the friendship if you hadn't told her it was fine for her to choose to be with her boyfriend and you could catch up another time.

You're now saying that it isn't fine for her to choose to be with him and, rather than catching up another time, you may want to end the friendship.

She might have made a different decision if she'd known the truth but you have denied her that opportunity.

[TheNewSchmoo]

Can you honestly say you really have no problem with her new relationship? If it were just you and her for the entire evening I would understand your upset when she made a (perfectly reasonable) choice out of 2 options you gave her. But you are going on to see other friends, you're not being abandoned.

I understand why you feel rejected but if I was in a new relationship and my friend who was seeing other friends said they didn't want my new man to come along but would understand if I choose to spend it with him, I'd spend it with him, believing I had my friend's blessing

[PweciousPwincess]

Their relationship HAS my blessing. It's not about their relationship. Or even about him. Like I say he seems lovely.

It's about the nonchalent cancelling of plans which I thought we were looking forward to, about the lack of consideration in saying oh can he stay over, and no she didn't really give me a choice at all because she said "new man will probably be here from tomorrow, driving down from Scotland so he'll be here for New Year's so can he come" it was clear that it was both of them or nothing, I suppose.

[cedricsneer]

Are you very young op? I don't mean to be patronising but you are massively overreacting. Ny may be very important for her and maybe she wanted to share it with you and new man. It was you that made her choose.

[PweciousPwincess]

Goldmandra, that really would feel like issuing an ultimatum, if I'd said that.

If she wants to go with him, it hurts but it's fine but the friendship does mean less to her, and I shouldn't have to point that out. It's clearly a waste of time because we see it very differently.

[ginhag]

He wouldn't have to stay in your lounge if you asked them to GET A B&B OR A HOTEL FOR THE NIGHT!!!

Sorry but I've said that about 3 times now and so has at least one other poster.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

YANBU.
As a couple of pp's have already said, you have been unwell, the plans were made months ago, the dynamic of two friends catching up is vastly different to you hosting friends new boyfriend overnight in your flat and having to play the gooseberry into the bargain....fuck that.
Your friend should have shown more loyalty to you and the longstanding arrangement.
I don't thing you are being 'pwecious' at all. If I were you, I'd be bloody hurt and let down too.

[PweciousPwincess]

Cedric no I am not young, sadly. I am late twenties. Keep on sneering, however

Maybe I did make her choose, but at the same time she didn't give me much choice. I wanted to uphold agreed plans. She didn't. It is hurtful that she didn't and I guess all I'm really saying is that it has made me re evaluate the friendship and I'll be making less effort.

[SorchaN]

I can see it both ways. I think your friend wasn't being very reasonable to ask you if she could bring her new partner, especially as you've recently been in hospital. On the other hand, the early weeks of a new relationship can be a very hormonal time, and people aren't always thinking with their brains, if you see what I mean. It's one of the strongest drives we experience in life. Maybe you could cut her some slack as long as she doesn't make a habit of it? Sometimes even our best friends can be insensitive and annoying... but there's usually a reason they're our friends. You're not being unreasonable, but it's probably in your best interests to take a deep breath and let it go, and focus on having a good time at the party, rather than letting the anger fester.

[ginhag]

Btw, if it was just the 2 of you planning to spend NYE together, yes absolutely it would be unfair, and a bit weird too. But you will have all your closest friends around you, you can ask them to stay somewhere else overnight, it would possibly be a really, really lovely night!

Please try to look at it from a more positive perspective. You HAVE NOT been rejected.

[PweciousPwincess]

Sorry Ginhag - she would get offended if I suggested that. Other friends would offer the floor to sleep on and it would all get really awkward. I'm not doing it.

[306235388]

Typical Aibu

OP Aibu
Everyone yes sorry you are
OP No I'm not, I'm not I'm not I'm not
Everyone how about x / y / z solution
OP there's no solution everything is shit and none of it is my fault
Everyone okkk

[raltheraffe]

306235388

What is going on with your username?

[CheeseBuster]

I think she is being unreasonable. After a week he's not her boyfriend just some random man. It's rude, you had plans and she's flounced off.

[LIZS]

Where does it say it is only a week. They've apparently been friends for a while but only recently got more serious. If op led friend to believe she was ok either way then she had every right to think the plans weren't that important to the friendship.

[Goldmandra]

Goldmandra, that really would feel like issuing an ultimatum, if I'd said that.

I think you need to face up to the fact that you told her one thing but meant something completely different and now you're deciding on the future of the friendship based on the fact that she should have known you meant something different.

It isn't unreasonable to be pissed off and end the friendship because she chose to drop you in favour of the new boyfriend but it was unreasonable to offer her that option, tell her it was fine to take it and then end the friendship because she did.

I think you're quite emotionally invested in this friendship and could regret ending it a few months down the line. I'm not advocating allowing people to walk all over you but sometimes it's worth riding out times like this for the sake of better times when things have settled down.

[306235388]

My username? Nothing.

[saturnvista]

Sometimes plans change because circumstances change. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Although your friend was out of order asking you to have a complete stranger to sleep on the floor, she wasn't out of order expecting you to adapt to her changed circumstances in some way. You've said you can see both sides, but all you can seem to see from her side is a fake friend. From what you've said, she may not realise she's blowing you off because the two of you were going to spend most of the time with others, not having a heart to heart. I would find it quite difficult to explain to a new boyfriend that he couldn't come to a new year's celebration with a group of friends despite having come up to the city together and his (apparently) not really having anywhere else to go. it doesn't matter how long they've been together, this would still be a difficult thing to do. Not that you're obliged to swoop in and save the day but she could be forgiven for thinking the easiest solution is to all hang out together, especially since you're a good friend and presumably looking forward to meeting him. When asked to choose between a friend who has a party to go to, and a boyfriend who doesn't especially on the one night of the year when you're supposed to be snogging at midnight it doesn't seem so very dreadful to go with the boyfriend. All the more so when said friend has offered reassurance that it's fine. I wouldn't dump a friend over this though if the constantly choosing boyfriend over friend pattern continued, I'd want to let them know I felt taken for granted sometimes. But new year's eve is a bad test case IYSWIM.

[Pumpkinpositive]

Anything one for YABU.

Your poor friend and her lack of clairvoyant powers.