Really upset but not sure if AIBU???

[PweciousPwincess]

Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.

Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.

She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?

I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.

What do I do? What do I say?

How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?

[ginhag]

How about saying it is cool for him to come but would they be ok to get a B&B or hotel nearby as it would be easier the next day? I think it would actually be the best thing all round?

[Trills]

YANBU to feel sad.

I hope you manage to have a nice evening anyway.

But it does sound as if you are taking this harder than you would do if you were feeling OK otherwise.

[PweciousPwincess]

It is fine in the sense of I don't want to pressure her into feeling she has to come here or whatnot. I only want people here if they want to.

I am sure he's lovely, really I am, but I don't want the exhaustion of being with a stranger. Just don't. It changes how I feel I can speak with my friend, how relaxed I can be, it would feel like having to play host to somebody instead of kicking back with somebody I know well staying over. Entirely different situation. So while it does hurt, I feel the same. I don't want him here on New Year's Eve.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

From another point of view, you've rebuffed her nm and possibly shown a lack of trust in her judgement, iyswim?

I'm sure, particularly given her awareness of your current condition, she would not bring anyone to your home who was likely to in any way cause you stress or upset?

She may feel quite snubbed too.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all op, I wouldent want a stranger staying over in my house either, fine if it was just the party and they went afterwards, expecting you to be fine with a stranger staying over, no.

[PweciousPwincess]

And yeah I know I'm taking it harder than usual. I spent Christmas on my own, first time away from dysfunctional family, and was really looking forward to this.

I just wish somebody valued me, and it wasn't always expected that I'd go along with anything and suit everyone else the whole time. Well fuck that. I'd rather have no fake friends then if they can't be fucking arsed.

[maddening]

Why don't you suggest a hotel near you so that friend can bring bf to lovely small gathering but go back for new relationship wild sex in hotel ?

[LIZS]

Sorry but if you communicate that anger to your friend she may well avoid seeing you longer. Maybe you could arrange to see them in the near future on neutral territory to welcome the new year instead so she knows you hold no grudge and that way you can have two events to look forward to.

[Backinthering]

As gently as possible... you are over reacting to this and age really hasn't done anything bad.

[PweciousPwincess]

Lizs I am angry and disillusioned. If that's they way it's going to be then fine, I don't think I care much for that sort of "friendship" that's only there if she has no better offer.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

I just wish somebody valued me, and it wasn't always expected that I'd go along with anything and suit everyone else the whole time. Well fuck that. I'd rather have no fake friends then if they can't be fucking arsed.

You know, it is shit, feeling that way. It's horrible. Because you are feeling unloved and unvalued, take care not to allow that bitterness to make you push people away.

Your friend, I would imagine, having driven to spend the night, would have made time for both you and her nm.

Its ok to not want strangers around right now but try not to let this damage your friendship. You made her choose - I doubt she wanted to have to.

[Goldmandra]

I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time.

You made it very clear to her that you would be fine with her choosing to spend NYE with her new boyfriend. She took you at your word. If you meant "Look xxx. I'm really sorry but I have been really looking forward to spending NYE with you but I'm feeling very fragile and exhausted and don't feel I can cope with hosting someone I don't know. Would you mind coming on your own?" you should have said that.

She might still have dropped you but at least she'd know how much she was hurting you by doing so and you'd be more reasonable to tell her how you felt.

[princessconsuelobananahammock]

I get that you're not great at the moment but even your name says a lot about you. You are over-reacting. She asked if he could come, you said no but don't worry we'll catch up another time (or that's how I'd read it) so she has made other plans now too. You're being demanding but in a very passive aggressive way. Very much a 'pwecious pwincess'.

[LIZS]

That just sounds like a defence mechanism. It isn't personal and if you take her decision this hard then you weren't offering her a real choice but testing her loyalty to you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

To be honest OP, I find your friend quite unreasonable. Seriously, NYE and she wants to bring her new boyfriend to stay over? So that you can play gooseberry in your own house? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Two friends catching up is a completely different dynamic from one friend coming calling with new boyfriend in tow. Presumably she also knoew you haven't been well? She sounds a peach.

[PweciousPwincess]

I guess I did make her choose, but I feel what she did was put me in an unfair position!

I can see this from both sides. I absolutely believe she is right to do as she wants, spend her time with who she wants. And that sadly isn't me, boo hoo. However, if I am tired of this sort of bullshit it's still ok for me to say no, well fuck that, it's not the sort of friendship I need in my life.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I think you seem to be in a bad place right now, and are letting your anger and emotions rule you, and not being very rational. She might have picked up on your mood, so chose to spend it elsewhere. Really just take a step back and try to think more logically about it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes you did tell her nicely, and she obviously wanted to be with her new boyfriend, which is fair enough, so arrange something another time with just her. Or arrange them to pop round or meet outside so that you can meet him.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering.

Out of interest, do your 'gathering friends' know your visiting friend? If not, had they intended to be hospitable regardless? How would you have felt and what would you have done, had they told you that you were welcome but that your visiting friend wasn't?

[Goldmandra]

if I am tired of this sort of bullshit it's still ok for me to say no, well fuck that, it's not the sort of friendship I need in my life.

Absolutely. However, we aren't aware of the history between you and whether this is her usual way of behaving. She might have been an amazingly supporting friend for many years and made lots of sacrifices to put your needs first in the past.

Sometimes it's worth sucking things like this up to save a friendship while some aren't worth saving. Only you know which this is.

[mermaid101]

Pwecious, do you have a boyfriend/partner?

I ask because I was in a similar situation many years ago. A friend had sort of ditched a big night out at short notice, to go out with a new boyfriend. We were all a bit annoyed.

She pointed out that we were all happily "coupled up" and didn't need to "work" at finding and maintaining a relationship. We were at the age where we were starting to think about marriage/children. Once she had explained, it made perfect sense and I could really see her point. Could it be something like this?

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Sorry you are having a tough time op. You are overreacting to this though.

I can understand that you are disappointed your evening won't be working out the way you planned but you can't expect others to mould their lives around what is best for you.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Don't make any big (I'm never speaking to you again type) decisions while you're feeling like this.

[PweciousPwincess]

Goldmandra I didn't want to ask her to come on her own, because that would feel like I was putting pressure on her to do as I wanted rather than do as she wants freely. If she does not indeed want to go with the original plan, then I have no interest asking her to do so. That is honestly fine. It just speaks volumes about the friendship at the end of the day, and while it hurts like fuck right now I'm better off knowing this is what it means to her.

Princessconsue, my name was because I know how touchy I'm being the irony was lost on you. I also do not think I am being passive aggressive in the least. I genuinely prefer her to spend her time how she wants. It's just that it sucks that she has chosen him, after our plans being made. But I certainly don't want her here wishing she was with him. Jesus.

[WiIdfire]

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, and am surprised so many people think it is fine to cancel plans (made months ago) because of a 'better offer'. Yes its a new relationship but am sure they can survive a night apart! As someone else said its completely different having a girly chat to having an extra guy there making you feel like a gooseberry.

The only thing you could have done differently was to phrase your original question like Goldmandra suggested, so the friend didn't take it to mean you really didn't mind when in fact you did.

Sadly so many people are like this these days, and will cancel at the last minute. Its very frustrating. I hope you have a nice evening anyway and can catch up with her another time.