To get fed up of this arrangement

[BeggarsCantBeChoosers]

DH says he loves cooking, and most of the time he seems to, so I obviously stand back and leave him to it.

To be honest it suits me fine because I have Multiple Sclerosis and so often can't concentrate well enough on what to put together, as well as having physical difficulties with poor balance and wobbly legs. I used to cook really well before getting MS, but now I can only prepare really basic stuff and it's not great by comparison.

However recently DH has just not prepared any food, and by the time the kids are squeaking I realise it's 5pm. I ask him what he intended to do for dinner and he replies that he doesn't know, so I have to get going, totally unprepared, and usually hash together something pretty rubbish.

From time to time I have suggested he has a day or two off from cooking and if I get some warning, then I can prepare and make notes, and ensure I get something half decent on the table. When I suggest this he gets defensive and says that he really likes it and would prefer to keep going. But then after a period of time we come across the same old problem again, and I'm sick of it because I feel trapped by it.

Today I got snappy about it. I had made every effort to pull myself together and get dinner on the table (DH declined to have any) and before I could sit down to what I had prepared, he sat down at the table with a delicious looking stirfry that he'd prepared for just himself! It made my dried out microwaved salmon and rice look like the poor relation and I really resented it because it seemed really selfish of him.

AIBU to feel like this?

Thanks for the further ideas Deux!

Beggars you're looking after small children who are at a very demanding age. You're also doing all the housework with the exception of the cooking. And when your DH decides he cba/wants to punish you for having MS, he just lets everyone go hungry (apart from himself).
This is unfair, even before you factor in that you have M bloody S! His levels of fatigue simply cannot compete with yours. And if you're tired, unlike him, it will cause a worsening of your symptoms.

I don't know how he can live with himself. And I don't know how you can live with him either - he sounds very unkind.

Beggars, we do sound remarkably similar! It's hard isn't it. The majority of my "guilt" is because I constantly feel I'm a rubbish parent, unable to do stuff people take for granted. I also try and do too much to convince myself I'm capable of it (I'm not generally!) My DC are older though, I imagine it's much harder for you with little ones.

There's lots of good ideas on here re meals etc but it does seem doesn't it, that this is the symptom of a bigger issue. I do understand the situation is hard for your DH too, however you have it much much harder and it's concerning your DH doesn't seem to see that. The competitive tiredness made me !

I know too that it's hard, for all sorts of reasons, to say that you need more help from him but I think you will have to. He's either not stepping up as he doesn't fully appreciate how much you are struggling (which can be addressed) or that he knows this but is incapable of stepping up further. Only you will know which it is.

I have no doubt my DH finds it hard, after being a SAHD for years (our DC have SN too) he is now working full time (on a late shift) and still looking after me and the DC, doing school runs etc but the problem with him is the opposite, he would run himself into the ground and puts himself last all the time. We seem to compete over who can be kinder to each other sometimes, it's strange but we have been together a long time, well before I got ill and it's actually made us closer as a couple, but it requires action on both our parts. Emotional support as well as practical.

I mentioned your thread to him (he is a Mner too!) and his advice was for your DH to get the Jamie Oliver 15 min meal (practical!) but he also said that anyone can talk the talk, but the evidence is in whether they walk the walk. It's easy to say "in sickness and in health" but it's another thing coping with this in reality. I'm not going to slate your DH too much as I imagine it's hard for him too but I do think you need a long talk where you spell it out to him exactly what you need and whether or not he can realistically provide it. I don't know your circumstances, whether DH works or whether you get PIP which would perhaps fund some domestic help but it's worth considering all options if it's just too difficult for you both.

I think what sort of person he is is the key. Only you will know if he's fundamentally a brilliant parent and DH who is struggling atm, or if he's quite a selfish person who won't be able to give you the emotional and practical support you need.

I'm writing an essay so will stop now but I hope it's helped a little. If you want to know anything else from my DHs perspective I can ask him. It is nice, albeit shit for us both, to know other people are in the same boat, makes me feel less alone!

Inthedarkaboutfashion Mon 29-Dec-14 13:50:48

Yes I did read the original post. Perhaps I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that OP wrote she has wobbly legs and sometimes cannot manage to cook. I apologise for overlooking that information. I was busy thinking of my SIL who also has MS and manages to hold down a job and do things like cooking and clearing up on the majority of days but I am well aware that everyone with MS experiences different levels of symptoms and is affected in different ways.

Ok so your DH didn't "enjoy" he production line cooking, tough, the dc need feeding he HAS to do something to help resolve this issue. Feeding the dc is his only domestic chore so he needs to grow up and do it himself or enable you to do it.

TBH it sounds like you need to toughen up with him - young dc appreciate very little that we do for them that is a big part of being a parent...

OP, he's a real conundrum isn't he? I think perhaps he didn't really understand what your MS entailed. But TBH, that's his problem not yours - he's an adult and made the decision to marry you MS and all. You can't keep cushioning and protecting him - worst case scenario is that he'll end up being not only your carer, but also the main carer for the children. He needs to step up and decide what he's going to do - stay and get stuck in, in a loving proper way or go.
Don't feel guilty - you have no control over your MS; having it or the progression of it. It's just the way it is - you find ways to cope and deal with it and hopefully he'll be there too. If not, it's not your fault - it's his.

I'm glad you are getting somewhere with him OP.

I don't have MS but I struggled to put food on the table sometimes when I had a screamy newborn on my hands. What helped was to make peace with the following:

1. no harm will come to a child from eating bread/toast for lunch and dinner, some days. I fed mine cereal rather than toast for breakfast, so they had one bread-free meal every day.
2. or substitute a microwave jacket potato for bread in any easy meal of your choice - cheese/beans on toast etc
3. a balanced meal is protein, carbs, veg. Children often like these served plainish and separately, and it doesn't matter if these aren't traditional combinations. Microwaved frozen salmon, noodles and veg are a popular favourite here.
4. freeze slices of lemon and bake on salmon/chicken to make it a bit more interesting
5. microwaveable mixed bags of 'steamed' veg are brilliant time savers. I thik they might work really well for you by simplifying veg cooking, if you don't already use them
6. it is fine to eat the same dinner for at least 2 nights in a row. No need to do bolognese then turn leftovers into chilli or lasagne or whatever, just serve up bolognese twice.

Perhaps your cooking days could be just after the food shop is done, so you can plan yours, and your DH can do his spontaneous thing after that. I suspect it's not that he loves the challenge, but that he dislikes the planning or structure of doing it your way.

It sounds to me like you are doing perfectly sensible easy dinners. Most of us have a few nights a week of simple meals. There is nothing wrong with that. You really don't need to beat yourself up about doing normal food for your family. It might not be as exciting as your DH's cooking but that doesn't make it inadequate, or something you need to feel guilty about or apologise for.

Sigh. You all make a fair point. I grateful for it because deep down inside I know when the truth is spoken, it feels like a salve on a hidden wound.

The truth is he took me to Relate at the start of this year because he was building up resentments for feeling that his needs aren't met. Largely it is due to him wanting to live like a single person in a marriage with kids, but he managed to evade an real pinning it down and the counsellor let him get away with it. The best he could come up with was that I don't empty he recycling bin and he feels like he does it all by himself. When I pointed out I do everything else he denied that, saying he cooks and loads the dishwasher too. It we'd up with me being expected to empty the bin to scratch his back, and for him to return the favour by placing sharp meat knives face down in the drying rack because I kept cutting used on them.

He also felt that he can't be expected to help me out any further. I'd bled a lot when pregnant and asked him to mop the floor and make the bed once a week to protect the pregnancy, but he felt weekly was not necessary and refused. I got a cleaner in after than, so I didn't need to ask anything of him anymore. Partly my injured pride because I was always fiercely independent anyway, but partly for fear of waking the beast of discontent in him again. It's really not healthy.

My DM keeps telling me that I should just look outside of him for any help I need, like the cleaner. Obviously she hoovers, mops and cleans toilets, but I do clothes washing, and bed changes, changing towels and food shopping online, keeping surfaces tidy and everything else like that. He doesn't do any of it.

He is selfish but he does have some good points too. Just not good points in relation to someone having MS.

One of he things I'm supposed to do is try to manage my stress, and I know I would be cut up to share my DC with him as his shift patterns would enable him to have them for at least 3 if not 4 days each week.

He's not as good with them as I am, he's great playing rough and tumble but he's not gentle with them in the way a 4.5 and 1.5 year old needs. Today he made 4.5 year old cry by snarling at him and dragging him across a road whereas I would have handled him completely different and explained the safety of all crossing at the same time. DS was trying to lag behind at the time, and DH was tired so wasn't patient. I thought at the time that I hate to see him make them dry like this but if I am there I can intervene, God help them if he would get them alone for half of the week! It would send my stress levels through the roof and I know it would impact on my MS, which ironically would then impact on my (in)ability to parent on my half of the week. Vicious circle! Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

But all of this has made me realise that I should stand up to him more. The guilty part of me always feels like I should try harder, but the truth is I do run myself into the ground already. Perhaps telling myself I should try harder is my own wishful thinking - wishing that I could somehow overcome and conquer the obstacles MS presents.

erin99 you're completely right that he dislikes structure like a rota!

I suppose I sometimes feel bad that they have cereal at breakfast, then bread like a sarnie at lunch, and if I do beans on toast at teatime then at all been a bit samey.

It's ok once in a while, but if Ido it too much I feel very guilty about it!

Maybe it is yet another high standard that has to be lowered because of this godforsaken disease

But I will do whatever it takes to find a way though all of this.

It just needs more communication which sadly the counselling did not result in and absolute clarity on who does what. He should do the meal every night as that's his job and you do those you have agreed to do.

There is no rule families need to eat together of course. We always had the children's nanny cook their dinner so we did not need to be bothered with it so that if one of us was out working that night no huge thing called evening meal to bother with. Nothing wrong with couples just cooking their own meal for themselves and whoever collects the children from school - child minder etc doing the children's cooking. Whatever works for the family.
Dr Wahls website if you've not seen it.

From your last post I think it's fair to say he is a selfish immature person then sadly. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as it can be very hard living with someone with a disability.

beggars, my DH works full time, does one 20 mile school run each day, does all the housework, cleaning, shopping and 80% of the cooking. He does the beds, looks after the cat, the car, garden, helps with homework...everything. Including helping me wash and dress on some days. He may mention he is tired and moan about work a bit but otherwise he never never complains. And he brings me a cup of tea every morning. And drops in on my parents to mow their lawn etc.

Now he is exceptionally wonderful but you deserve no less. I know you worry about your DH having access but the DC won't be this young for long and you may just find you are actually better mentally and therefore physically away from a situation which is causing you the resentment and stress you are currently experiencing. Your DC will certainly pick up on this and he doesn't sound a very good parent to them at the moment I'm afraid. Sorry this is harsh.

Can I ask....if you didn't have MS, would you separate?

Beggars:(. I'm sorry that MS has done this to you and I'm equally sorry that you seem to have found yourself married to a Manchild.

He really needs a good talking to and to do some growing up. Fast.

He's chosen the one domestic/family chore he likes to do and has left you with the rest. Then within that he's picking and choosing when/if he'll do it. No wayyyyy. If he's chosen 'cooking' as his responsibility, then he damn well cooks the family meal. Does he genuinely think you have the only two children who are 'fussy' or 'basic' I their tastes? Ir that don't eat it all up then thank Daddy for the lovely meal he made? It's not about playing chef, it's about feeding his wife and children.

It's an utter disgrace how he treats you and by extension the children, he should be ashamed of himself.

If you didn't have such debilitating ms I'd be telling you to LTB, but I have a feeling if you didn't have ms you would leave him. I can see why you are worried about doing that, but maybe it's something you need to give more thought to. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't feel a whole lot better if you weren't living with him, he's sapping all your energy & making you walk on egg shells all the time :(

I just feel like this for you

Perhaps a slightly different approach is meal planning - you WANT/NEED to know what the dc are having each day...

Who does the food shopping?

Am back on the phone so have to reply one at a time again!

Flower, the counsellor often advocated better communication between us, but sadly it was largely aimed at getting DH to speak out his dissatisfaction so he doesn't built resentments.

DH often cooks for himself on his work days because he gets in after I've fed and put the kids to bed. So we don't always eat together as it is. But on his days off, which end up being half the week as he works 14 hour days, he cooks for everyone together. When the plan works that is anyway!

I've heard of dr wahl and follow a similar MS medical diet

Yesididmean, you certainly do have an exceptional man there, lucky you! I'm quite envious, you hear of men like that and While I think that's how relationships should be, I tell myself it's highly unusual so I can survive my own better!

Would I separate if I didn't didn't have MS? Ironically probably not. I think is be much happier to reign him in if I had the strength to fight, and I wouldn't have the burden of feeling guilting for inconveniencing everyone! Also I would feel psychologically more of a catch and therefore more of a threat to him, as though I were someone he'd better watchhimself over because I could disappear if he didn't behave.

I'd also have more strength as I was a real 'doer' and had a lot of get up and go before this struck me. I think if have assumed more responsibility without it bothering me too much because I would be able to do it, if that makes sense.

I might be eluding myself but it's how I feel.

Chipping, I've sometimes had that thought too, about him chipping away at my energy. I know when he stresses me out my numbness in my leg is worse, for example. Which is really annoying as it feels as though I am a puppet on a a string that he has more power and control over than even I do, yet I live inside this body!

In one sense I've just said that I don't thinks id separate if I didn't havE MS but in another sense it's the stress and impact on MS that worries me about having the kids stay with him if we split up, which obviously wouldn't be a consideration if I didn't have MS in the first place. Plus they dote on him, even when he isn't tolerable and kind to them.

Random, I do mostly. It's largely online deliveries which I organise, and then odds and ends I buy from the local shop in between deliveries.

I feel for you Beggars, you are trying v hard in a difficult position.

One of your sentences really struck me: that he thinks he can't be expected to help YOU out any further.

No. Housework is a joint responsibility. Cooking, or doing the laundry or whatever, are not "helping you out". He needs to shift that perspective, and perhaps you do too? It is tricky when one person's standards are different to the other's, but the answer to that is an explicit conversation to agree minimum standards (which would probably involve you compromising and not having it as clean as you'd like), not for him to do bog all housework.

Also, and I'm sorry to raise this but I'm sure it's in your mind already, what happens if your MS deteriorates? I know this is not a given, MS can go up as well as down etc and I hope you have many years of stability or periods of recovery. However, if yours does get worse at some point,how is he going to deal with that, if he is already not prepared to "help you out any further"? Maybe he is scared of that happening and kicking back against it or something. It must be a huge thing for him to deal with too. Or maybe he is being an arse.

In the gentlest possible way, the way things would be without the MS is unfortunately a moot point. You can only play with the hand you're dealt.

OP do you have a slow cooker? They're pretty cheap these days, and they are fantastic. Your DH could throw all the ingredients in before he goes to work, and all that is needed is a bit of pasta or rice cooked before dinner. You could double the ingredients which would give you a freezer meal as well.

Some of the recipes are pretty basic. One of the favourites around here is chicken thigh pieces, a tin of cream of mushroom soup, mushrooms, baby potatoes, a glass of white wine (optional!). Throw it all in the slow cooked, let cook all day, then mix in to cooked spaghetti. Easy. Even my 3 year old loves this one.

OP really feel for you and the hand you have been dealt

What resonated with me was the bit you said about him wanting to live like a single person still - my DH was a bit like that initially with the kids but thankfully now grown up/stepped up to the plate. Your children are still very young, and it is such an enormous transition to become a parent, not to mention a huge pressure on any marriage. I think a lot of men struggle with this and a lot of women let them by just picking up the extra, which isn't fair (agree with PP that the "help you out" attitude is very telling). I am not sure exactly what helped my DH make the transition, but hope that yours is able to.

Have you ever made a list of everything that needs doing to keep the household going - would it help open his eyes as to how much you really are doing despite your MS??

Also I also think that men do parent differently to women (your eg about crossing the road and how he handled it also really resonated, and it's not just our DHs, I've seen it often). I read somewhere that it's (survival of species) basically a woman's role to keep the child alive until 5 and a man's to get them ready to survive in the world after 5 which leads to different parenting styles/priorities (eg not taking hats, spare nappies, emergency snacks).

Lots of good suggestions from Pp on the food, especially jacket potatoes. Another quick staple we often do is "cheesy peasy pasta" - Philadelphia/cream cheese stirred into pasta as a sauce with peas. Very quick, and they love it. It also works with chopped ham/chicken, or tomatoes instead of peas. Pesto and broccoli/tomatoes/olives also popular here (but not all kids like pesto). Couscous (just pour boiling water over it and it's ready in about 5 mins) with sliced ham/leftover chicken and veg.

(Pesto with pasta rather than on its own!)

Ham freezes well and defrosts quickly in microwave so a good emergency back up.

I understand how you feel. One of the hardest things for me was changing from an active, busy, always always planning and doing person to, well the opposite really. And all the associated guilt of not being able to do stuff, plus having to have stuff done for you.

Would both of you consider some more counselling but perhaps more specific towards dealing with disabilitiess and your changed life? Your consultant or support group if you have one may know of someone good.

I really hate to say this but if he hasn't stepped up now though he isn't going to get any better. (This next bit is a classic case of me advising someone of something I couldn't do for myself btw!) I think for your own self if you could access any counselling to feel more positive about yourself and put strategies in place to make you more independent - I mean emotionally as well as physically - it might help you with the strength you will need to separate, if you decide that's what you want later on. If you don't think he can support you you would honestly be better off without him.

I don't know if you have to use a stick or crutches or a chair (I've used all three) but if you do, think of your DH as a walking stick (bear with me!) he needs to be strong and support you. If he is going to buckle and let you fall to the floor intermittently, you wouldn't use the stick, as you can't trust it or rely on it. That's a very facile analogy I know, I apologise but am finding it hard to express myself!

You do deserve support, you sound lovely btw and your DH should be the person you can rely on. It's time for him to walk the walk rather than talk the talk, or if he can't do this, he needs to admit it so you can work out YOUR best way forward for you.

You could try sitying down with him with paper and pens to make lists and involve him in the planning.

Sweet potato or butternut squash cut in half) also bakes nicely in the skin to serve instead of toast. Equally other veggies such as cabbage, spring greens, cattots, sweetcorn, courgettes etc

Your dh could easily do a bulk lot of veggies and cooked chicken for a stir fry (sweet peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, carrots, etc.) add a few freshly cooked french beans, brocolli spears and baby sweetcorn and let the DCs eat theirs, then still have enough to cook a stir fry for the two of you and some left to freeze along with other baked veggies, which could be used as a pizza topping, pasta sauce, omelette or savoury muffin filling or to go in savoury tarts.

Another thing to add to your toast replacement list: ready rolled shortcrust pastry. Great for quick little flans and pasties.

^sorry, what I meant was, your DH could give some of the chopped stir fry veggies to your DCs raw and cook others that need it, so they can eat them as finger food.

Dips a useful addition to finger food too. Hummous, cheesy and creamy ones are a hit here, as well as non spicy tomato dips and tuna mayo sandwich filling.