To get fed up of this arrangement

[BeggarsCantBeChoosers]

DH says he loves cooking, and most of the time he seems to, so I obviously stand back and leave him to it.

To be honest it suits me fine because I have Multiple Sclerosis and so often can't concentrate well enough on what to put together, as well as having physical difficulties with poor balance and wobbly legs. I used to cook really well before getting MS, but now I can only prepare really basic stuff and it's not great by comparison.

However recently DH has just not prepared any food, and by the time the kids are squeaking I realise it's 5pm. I ask him what he intended to do for dinner and he replies that he doesn't know, so I have to get going, totally unprepared, and usually hash together something pretty rubbish.

From time to time I have suggested he has a day or two off from cooking and if I get some warning, then I can prepare and make notes, and ensure I get something half decent on the table. When I suggest this he gets defensive and says that he really likes it and would prefer to keep going. But then after a period of time we come across the same old problem again, and I'm sick of it because I feel trapped by it.

Today I got snappy about it. I had made every effort to pull myself together and get dinner on the table (DH declined to have any) and before I could sit down to what I had prepared, he sat down at the table with a delicious looking stirfry that he'd prepared for just himself! It made my dried out microwaved salmon and rice look like the poor relation and I really resented it because it seemed really selfish of him.

AIBU to feel like this?

sorry but I think your husband knew all allong what he was having and that there was only enough for his meal, that's why he made no attempt to start dinner and why it's happened before. I'd be inclined to call for a pizza or something the next time he pulls this stunt and invest in a slow cooker. you can have a joint in the slow cooker all day (stand it on a little plate so it roasts rather than broils) and peal veg and such at your leisure. this sounds a lot like him taking the mick, not being tired of cooking!

Inthedark - how I envy your SIL! When I was diagnosed I was determined to not let it keep me down but lesions on the brain can't be fought, I found to my dismay.

I lost almost everything. My independence, my career, my ability to pursue hobbies, my ability to parent the way I want to.

I almost lost my DH too, as he became quickly fed up of my disability, even though he knew me a short while before I was diagnosed. That's partly why I try so hard to cushion him, to my own detriment, although maybe I would have tried to cushion him even if he didn't get pissed off about it all.

Your assumptions are a common misunderstanding. I suppose in the same way that people hear MS patients on the news desperate to be allowed access to legal euthanasia because they have it so badly, and assume everyone with MS must feel the same.

PowderMum, I really think our fridge idea and laminated plans would work well. Previously I've tried to get DH to go through the shopping delivery with me to form some sort of plan, but he won't do it. He says he loves the challenge of opening the fridge and 'knocking something up" out of leftovers. I, on the other hand, don't have that ability! So while he might not meet me halfway at least he would be able to see what I am cooking and when, and I would know where I stand too.

Antimatter - yes that would be a tremendous help, thank you.

I tend to do a lot of scrambled egg or beans on toast, or a salmon omelette, chicken kebabs, that sort of thing. The problem lies when DH has already given then a toast-related meal at lunchtime, I feel bad repeating it because they would otherwise just eat toast and a filling all week long! So other simple ideas would be great. They are both fussy finger-food types and hate it all mixed together

WhyDoesmyMam - I'm inclined I agree because he tells me often that he's thinking of the next meal all the time. He also is quite open about the fact that he hates the fact the children aged 1.5 and 4.5 don't thank him for their dinner and don't eat it either!

I do have a slow cooker and I followed a MN recipe which went horribly wrong, it burn to a crisp! I put the cooker away and forgot all about it, but maybe it's time to get it out and try again

"However recently DH has just not prepared any food, and by the time the kids are squeaking I realise it's 5pm. I ask him what he intended to do for dinner and he replies that he doesn't know, so I have to get going, totally unprepared, and usually hash together something pretty rubbish."

OP, serious question - what do you think would happen if, instead of you cobbling something together, you instead JUST SAY 'Well your children are hungry and need to be fed ASAP, so make your mind up." ?

You mentioned that cooking "is the only thing he does, as I do all the rest (which is a whole other issue)", so honestly - he should just get on with it. They are his children too. You know that you are cushioning him to your own detriment, but it seems you are cushioning him to the children's detriment too.

There are a lot of recipes out there for slow cookers (google rules ) and packet mixes specifically designed for slow cookers, the beauty being, once its all in the pan it only needs the occasional stir.
I'd be more worried about his annoyance with your disability to be honest
maybe being more assertive and proactive with the cooking will give him a bit of a kick up the arse and you a bit of a confidence boost

He seems a bit precious about his kitchen skills if he expects the children to thank him!

WhereYouLeftIt - wow! What perfect sense! Thank you. I needed to hear that because it is the sweet truth.

He's finally agreed to do a rota again but I know it won't last, and when it doesn't I will say exactly that.

Although as an afterthought, I think they'd just get lunch repeated all over again, but it wouldn't harm them unless it alway happens I guess.

Beggars you sound like someone who deserves far better than your husband. But on a practical note, I have one of those socket timers for my slow cooker and it's a godsend as it means if I'm delayed at work, I don't have to worry about cremating dinner. It might be a small help to you.

I agree with whereyouleftit to be honest.Take back your kitchen, look him square in the eyes and ask him exactly what he brings to the table to make it worth your while putting up with his antics! Your ms isnt the problem here, just his attitude to it

Simple teas which keep my kids happy:
Boiled egg and soldiers
Beans or spaghetti hoops on toast. What about the beans that come with sausages in them, and some frozen mash?
You say pasta is hit and miss, but most tomato based pasta sauces freeze quite well.
Would the kids eat fish pie? Or the frozen fish in a bag or fish fingers would be demolished my mine.

What ingredients do you usually have in the house? Can you make a pre prepared list for some simple meals to make thinks easier for you when food is needed in a hurry?

Too slow typing!!

I'll carry on thinking.

I've just checked out youtube and they have the I can cook shows available. I've done a few with my daughter. if you have a tablet or laptop, you can play and pause as you go and get the kids involved in the kitchen too. my daughters favourite was pitta pizzas - she chucked grated cheese about all artistic like and told anyone who would listen that she'd made tea

We do teas as addictedto sugar just listed as well as:

A huge favourite here is finger food tea with buttered crackers, cubed cheese, cucumber and carrot battons, grapes halved and an orange pulled into segments. Dd (21 months) loves it. All on one plate.

Microwaved jacket potatoes with beans/tuna mayo/cheese etc.
Potato waffles with either beans or peas and sweetcorn
Fishfinger sandwiches
Spaghetti shapes on toast

I am really touched by all of this. Thank you so very much. It's really practical and helpful. I can't tell you what it means to me that you're standing by a total stranger like this.

oooh....jacket potatoes!!! ive just been on the jacket potato thread...I know what's for dinner tomorrow
seriously though, its the perfect alternative to toast if the dc's had it for lunch... never sweat the small stuff -just improvise

Muffin or pitta pizzas. Split and English breakfast muffin, or use a pitta bread. Spread on so tomato puree and then grated cheese and any other pizza toppings you have / like. Put under the grill.

Salmon kebabs?? Bacon can also go on kebabs yummu with bananas, pepper, mushroom and tomato on.

I think you maybe are making too much of " having something decent" by which I understand you mean a planned / prepared ( even .. Gasp.. A recipe ) type of cooking?

Why don't you work a list of " good enough" easy suppers out that you can pop on the table with minimal effort if he's on strike? Once a week beans on toast(or the heaven that is cheesy beans), microwave jacket spuds with tuna/ sweet corn, pasta with peas/ sweet corn and stir in sauce or bacon sandwiches with fresh tomatoes frizzled in the bavon pan will do no one any harm.

We tend to work on a large pot of soup and same of a one pot dinner sort of thing ( each doing at least 2 meals) and then a speedy supper along the lines above for the other week night (and now they are older teens the kids do those if needed).

I'm really that your h isn't taking the responsibility of feeding his dc and helping around the house seriously!!!!

Nope young children aren't appreciative of anything generally it just goes along with being a parent.

As he likes cooking why don't you get him to batch prep some stuff on his free days (weekends?) so that there is quick, easy and nutritious stuff that either of you can cook/heat for the kids? He can do his arty farty fling together for the two of you.

Beggars, I don't have MS but a different disability which has had a similar effect on me, loss of career, balance, parenting skills, mobility etc.

I wonder if this is really about the cooking or the cooking is perhaps a symptom of other issues?

I hope I'm not projecting and I also sincerely hope I don't offend you as I can't find quite the right words but one thing that struck me from your posts is that you are trying to "protect" your DH and that perhaps you feel some guilt over your illness. Your comment about him "getting quickly fed up of my disability" leapt out at me.

I have gone through a lot of guilt (still am) and it's only recently I have been aware of how much I've tried to minimise things. I just wondered if you feel the same? Please tell me if I'm miles off the mark though.

Sorry, but it does sound as though he is being selfish. He'll cook when it suits him, but won't tell you in advance when he won't cook for the family- despite the fact that your MS makes it very difficult for you do to make last minute dinners. He's happy to make you panic, and cook himself something lovely at the same time. Worst of all, he's happy to let his very young children go hungry so he can get in some passive-aggressive point scoring.

As WhereYouLeftIt says, they are his children - cooking is the one thing he does for them, and when he fancies being selfish he won't even do that.

When he offers to cook when the rota says it's your turn , he doesn't cook from scratch- he gets something out of the freezer, meaning that that food isn't available if you ever need to feed the children in a hurry.

Other ideas that my children liked at that age- as long as you can start cooking about an hour before teatime, potato wedges are good- just cut the potatoes and they can then just go in the oven. You could oven roast a chicken breast at the same time and cut it into strips for the children, and then add a veg or salad item as finger food. If they'll eat fish, there's a microwavable frozen cod which is pretty quick to cook.

If they're keen to eat finger food, would it be feasible for you to spend a few minutes during the day cutting up some (say) raw carrot /peppers /cucumber, and putting it in the fridge so it's ready to serve with dinner and could be given for lunch the following day?

To be honest though, this is all sticking plaster stuff. The underlying issue seems to be that your husband wants to punish/inconvenience you because of your disability, and he'll use your children to do it.

The underlying issue seems to be that your husband wants to punish/inconvenience you because of your disability, and he'll use your children to do it.

Maybe that is part of the problem and I did wonder as the thread went on wether OPs husband really resents his wife's disability and is only staying in the relationship because he feels he has to rather than he wants to. A husband who behaves like this isn't a husband who is happy with the situation and wants to support his wife.

There are loads of foods that OP can cook very easily that are not bread based. Chickens can be bought ready prepared in a bag that you just put in the oven. Meat joints can also be bought ready to roast in their little trays.
Potatoes and veg can all be bought ready peeled and chopped.
Jacket potatoes with cheese, tuna or ham are quite easy.
For a variety of finger foods: sandwiches, potato wedges, spring rolls or even things like pizza fingers and waffles (buy them ready made and frozen).

OP: get some frozen stuff in for the kids and some ready meals for yourself and next time your husband doesn't cook just do something for you and the kids and leave him to sort himself out. Hopefully he will realise that he cannot control you and upset you by not cooking.

Thank you all for your alternative-to-toast solutions. I have cut and paste them onto a page to print out and act as a reminder. My mind just goes completely blank if I don't have a list!

Theas18 you made the point that I might be stressing too much about having something decent. You're right, I do. I think parenthood is a guilt-trip from start to finish for everyone, and I set myself up for further guilt-traps due to the fact that I can't parent how I would have liked, due to the limitations that MS presents. Thanks for reminding me that its ok to let go of that stress a bit more than I have done.

RandomMess, in the past he has actually done bulk-cooking like that. He doesn't enjoy it so much because it's a production line, and he gave up because when he proudly produced the meal to reheat, the kids refused to eat it. I keep reminding him that it's just typical and they'll grow out of it, but he seems to take it on an emotional level as a personal rejection!

YesIdidMean, I am sorry to hear you're experiencing the same sort of problems for a different reason, although in a perverse kind of way it is nice to know I am not alone, because I don't know about you, but it really feels that way a lot.

I think there is a lot more to it, although I have a hard time getting to the bottom of it because there are a lot of different rabbit holes to chase down! For one, he is incredibly self-centred. I know we all have our foibles and this is his; and for another he gets very physically tired himself. He tries to play the "I'm more tired than you" game, which quite honestly drives me to distraction. I know parenthood is exhausting and so is working full time, but knowing that doesn't detract from my own cruel fatigue like he wishes it would!

In his defence, his way of dealing with ALL problems in life is to deny they exist. So it suits him to deny I am ill because I don't look it. It suits him to deny I struggle to cook because when he gets tired he doesn't want to make the effort. If he didn't have his head buried under the sand I think he might be able to deal with his unreasonableness, but he doesn't, so he can't.

Inertia, it's funny how, because the cooking is so visible, he seems to think that I don't do anything around the house. Yet if I try to vacuum on his day off (when it's visible) he gets really angry and shuts the vacuum down because the noise irritates him. I think he gets uncomfortable with me doing the housework around him because it shows him up! Yet at other times he will sink into a freshly made bed and thank me for it, so it's all quite confusing really.

InTheDark, I often discuss this idea with him, but he is very old school and keeps saying marriage is for life, good or bad. I did have MS before marrying him too, so you would have thought he would know what he was letting himself in for. Although perhaps he keeps changing his mind? Who can say. I don't think even he can really.

YesIdidMean, reading back I realise I meant to say more to you, but got interrrupted and forgot where I was. You mentioned the guilt and you are right. I need to really address that because it dogs me all the time. My head tells me that of course it's not my fault, but my feelings tell me to protect everyone at all costs to myself - kind of "if I can, I should" mentality. However I also realise that with certain people (selfish people like my DH can be), they have to have the rules of engagement spelled out to them, otherwise they will just take sacrifice after sacrifice and keep taking and expecting more and more. How easy it is to fall into these bad habits!

OP, if you dust off your slow cooker, you can cook a whole chicken in it really easily. 5 hours on low. Typically we'll have as a roast dinner, then fajitas the next night, then something else with the leftovers (pie made using a tin of condensed chicken soup as the sauce, veggies, bit of ham and ready to roll pastry sheet is yum)

Do your DCs like macaroni cheese? You can freeze it in portions, let it defrost then add a few spoons of water, microwave it and stir it every now and then.

My DCs like eggy bread, cooked ham, maple syrup as tea too.

Mini chipolatas, Yorkshire puds, veggies.

For veggies, what about a bag of frozen mixed veg so you don't have to prepare it? You could add it to some noodles and a splash of soy sauce.

Just some ideas.

I feel for you. My dear aunt had MS.