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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why do can't some people say no to dc demands

70 replies

mrsfuzzy · 28/12/2014 18:26

i'm not perfect but i rarely gave in to pester power from my dc, it was a case from the cradle 'don't pester, you won't get, throw a tantrum you won't get' ,

when my 6 dc asked, i would buy within reason as long as they were polite and non demanding, we hardly had any tantrums as a result. i just don't get people who keep saying no then give in to appease the dc, it sets a wrong example imo, not saying that all tantruming dc are demanding as there may be unknown medical issues and l do not judge having a special needs ds
what do other mn's think ? ready for a flaming from some people who indulge,but that's another thread.

OP posts:

LePetitMarseillais · 28/12/2014 19:03

Xposted with Balloon but that was exactly what I was trying to say.

merlehaggard · 28/12/2014 19:04

But I also dislike it when parents give in to whinging or say they're going to do something about bad behaviour (like go home) but never do.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2014 19:04

Why would your children need to have tantrums or pester if you generally give in to their requests?

You don't say what happens if you do decide to say no to them.

PiSeas · 28/12/2014 19:05

mrsfuzzy I think understand what you're saying. If me or DS see a little toy or something he likes (I'm talking £5-£10) then I don't mind getting it for him at all, because I know it will be played with.

But I don't and won't give in to demands. He knows this and I know this. I've yet to have a full blown "no" tantrum.

I'm probably being naive but I don't know why you got a few sarky comments, I thought this was a genuine question? ?
Perhaps post in chat next time.

FatherSpodoKomodo · 28/12/2014 19:05

Some is parents - my DSD used to have terrible tantrums with us. We said no. Her mum would say no, one scream from DSD and she'd change her mind. We witnessed it on quite a few occasions. Of course her mum said she never had tantrums whereas she did with us as we stuck to no means no. Hard as it was! (she's a lovely teenager now, absolutely no trouble at all!)

I did the same with my own children and they mostly never had tantrums. Except my youngest. I have to just say to him now," I've said no, I'm not changing my mind" and then ignore the screaming. Luckily he doesn't do it in public much!

WhyTheFace · 28/12/2014 19:05

i think what the OP is trying to say is that no should mean no. Y'know?

This stuff is pretty ground breaking. What say you on making children finish their dinners OP?

constantlyconfused · 28/12/2014 19:06

I don't give in but DD persists to tantrum .I think its down to character she won't give in without a real fight.Now shes older tantrums have been replaced by guilt trips "i knew you never loved me" .

merlehaggard · 28/12/2014 19:06

And I very much agree with vital. I might be firm but I'm sure I'm rubbish in many other ways.

TotallySociallyInept · 28/12/2014 19:08

it worked for me

All hale you

WineWineWine · 28/12/2014 19:09

So your post was just to congratulate yourself on what a good parent yoiu are and criticise everyone who doesn't meet your high standards.
Well done.

PiSeas · 28/12/2014 19:10

It doesn't mean you're buying them out of tantrums, but I'd rather, now and then buy DS something. 90% of the time he forgets he even wanted it in the first place (I'm talking about going to toy shops/groceries etc...) because he gets distracted
.

PiSeas · 28/12/2014 19:13

What's up with all the bitchiness? OP never insulted anyone? She asked a perfectly valid question and asked for OPINIONS not insults.

LePetitMarseillais · 28/12/2014 19:16

She asked if she was being unreasonable,posters have said yes.

Just to say buying a kid a £5 -£10 toy when they ask for it is over indulgent,sorry.

WhyTheFace · 28/12/2014 19:17

I guess the bitchiness comes from the sneering OP and the follow up posts.

Proclaiming that your way is the right way and that you have learned the secret of non tantruming children is sure to get you a big fat fuck off. Sad but true. face.

usualsuspect333 · 28/12/2014 19:19

Seems to me she came on here to brag about her superior parenting skills.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 28/12/2014 19:21

She started a TAAT to ensure we all knew how marvellous a parent she was. That's why there's sneering.

Mintyy · 28/12/2014 19:22

I often wonder the same thing op.

Who is the adult in the relationship/who is in charge?

Yes, children cry when they don't get what they want all the time but children cry about everything! They aren't going to be damaged by the occasional no, infact it will make them nicer people.

LePetitMarseillais · 28/12/2014 19:23

I don't get what is wrong with tantrums anyhow,they're often part of the learning curve re dealing with no,are expressions of anger and a healthy part of growing up.

I'd rather have kids that threw the odd tantrum than kids who are used to generally getting what they want as long as they ask nicely and don't demand.Part of being an adult is learning that you can't have pretty much most of what you want.Some posters will simply have an older child's/teenager version of tantrums further down the line when said child realises the fore mentioned sad facts of life.

tobysmum77 · 28/12/2014 19:28

yanbu op

WhyTheFace · 28/12/2014 19:31

Er, minty, I was always in charge of my children. That doesn't mean that they never had a tantrum when they were told "no" to something and sometimes I changed my mind about that "no" - because we're all human, you know? And sometimes we make mistakes as parents - mostly small ones hopefully.

My boys grew up knowing that nagging on at me would get them nowhere, but I certainly went back on a couple of "No's" and I'm glad they learned that adults are fallible and ready to admit when they're wrong, or even just to concede now and again.

Fuck this dictator style of parenting and fuck this dictator style of posting too.

PiSeas · 28/12/2014 19:34

Fair enough. Didn't know it was a TAAT. I just thought it was a genuine question.

lapetit just to be clear when I say that I mean it's every few months, not daily weekly or even monthly. I'm far from indulgent and if you saw the small gifts my DS received you wouldn't say that.

Personally I didn't think OP was nasty and delete didn't realise this was a TAAT.

Frogme · 28/12/2014 19:44

If you give in regularly then of course kids will push and push until they get what they want. They realise that if the first moaning doesn't work then they just need to up the anti, until you give in.

Most children won't accept the first no quite happily. It's human nature to push the boundaries. The difference is that children who learn that no means a definite no, will give up earlier and more easily, as they have learnt there is no point escalating things. Of course some children are more persistent than others.

Short term pain for long term gain. A few earlier tantrums will prevent bigger longer ones for the majority of children. It's easier in the short term to give in, but much harder long term.

I also wonder why some people can't seem to say no. No wonder some kids grow up spoilt, rude and entitled.

FrogIsATwatInASantaHat · 28/12/2014 19:52

Op i think you have had a hard time. I never give in to tantrums. I do fall far short. Often. In other aspects of my parenting

Handsup · 28/12/2014 19:56

I'm another one who doesn't give into tantrums - call me smug but my child will not be rewarded by chucking himself against a wall and screaming in my face.

thornrose · 28/12/2014 20:02

OP you do know that your children have their own personalities and that affects their behaviour too. It's not all about your spectacular parenting!

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