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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by indifference of friend to Xmas gift?

65 replies

phoenixrose314 · 28/12/2014 13:09

I don't normally post here because I have a nervous disposition, but this has been niggling away at me and I just want to know if my feelings are unreasonable or whether I should be upset...

So, one of my oldest friends recently had a baby boy, more or less a year younger than my DS. I try to see them both as often as I can, but as I work full time and have a young toddler on my hands it's not as easy as I'd like. Basically I'd made a duvet cover for my son in different patchwork fabric and stitched his name onto it - it's a bit higgledy piggledy but that's its charm, I posted a picture of it on Facebook and she said it was really lovely. So naturally I made her little boy one for Christmas - it only took me a few hours, but I took a long time choosing dinosaur and animal fabrics specifically because they match the theme of her nursery, so it was a well-thought out present. I even bought the duvet to go in it in case she didn't have one yet.

Anyway, we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas, and she got my DS a gorgeous little red hoodie with skull prints all over it (right up my street!) I sent her a text to say thanks so much, I love it, etc, and she texts back saying "Glad you like it. X's present will come in useful. Merry Christmas xxx"

... Am I being unreasonable to be a tiny bit upset she wasn't more grateful? She didn't even actually say thank you... To give some backstory, this is the same friend who refused a bag full of newborn baby clothes "because we'd prefer new, thank you", and when I gave her some of DS's baby toys (all in v good condition!) "I probably won't keep all of them, I can give some to next door." Erm no I'll take them back then thanks!!

OP posts:

DaisyFlowerChain · 28/12/2014 13:20

Why do we need the backstory, it's irrelevat to the post. Plenty of people don't like second hand and would rather have new than somebody else's tastes.

She acknowledged the gift and could have added a thank you.

I think she was being polite re your FB picture and didn't expect it to be taken so literal in that she would end up with one herself.

CalicoBlue · 28/12/2014 13:21

I am sure she does not mean to offend. Maybe this is just her way. I can be a bit like this sometimes and have to remember to make an effort to thank others properly.

She sounds like she just says what she thinks.

You will either need to say something to her about how you feel, or just accept this is what she is like.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 28/12/2014 13:23

She sounds snobby, rude and ungrateful.
Saying it will come in useful is a dig and I would be offended aswell.

Original poster

phoenixrose314 · 28/12/2014 13:24

I'm not planning on doing something either way, I just wanted to know if I was right to be upset or whether you think I am overreacting?

I think I'm more upset by the fact we're not as close as we used to be and I got the present wrong

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 28/12/2014 13:25

If she's so snobby about secondhand stuff why would you even think she'd behappy with home made?

clam · 28/12/2014 13:26

I'd be slightly hurt in your position too. She wasn't very gracious.

TiggerLillies · 28/12/2014 13:31

It is annoying when people don't take or crafty efforts as seriously as we think they should, but I wouldn't take it personally, maybe it's just her way - you don't have to go to so much effort again for her if it bothers you.
As far as the baby clothes and toys are concerned I wouldn't hold that against her. I've received lots of stuff from people, I just check if anything is precious and they want returned and then if it's okay to recycle what we don't need. It feels like some people see a pregnant woman as one stop charity shop and are quite happy with this arrangement as saves them the bother. At least she is honest!

dryshampooer · 28/12/2014 13:32

OP, I think your gift sounds lovely. With a new baby on her hands just before Christmas, your friend is probably frantic and didn't think too much about the wording of the text. Unless she is usually rude / ungrateful, I would let this go - I'm sure she'll thank you for all the time and care you took when she sees you face to face.

PulpsNotFiction · 28/12/2014 13:34

She was rude and ungrateful. She should have appreciated the effort you went to, even if she's not keen on second hand or homemade she should be a bit keener with her her manners. YANBU. It was a lovely thoughtful gift.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2014 13:35

I think she sounds really rude and up her own arse tbh! I know some people don't like second hand, but no need to be rude. BTW, I think your present sounds lovely.

GokTwo · 28/12/2014 13:36

That sounds like an amazing gift and I would be sad about that muted response too. What can you do though? She doesn't really appreciate it, you maybe have different tastes, she is quite insensitive to the thought and effort you took to make it. It's a shame I agree but yours was still a lovely gesture.

Lagoonablue · 28/12/2014 13:37

Think you are being a bit sensitive. Plus she is being a bit PFB re the secondhand stuff. I was like that with my first. For number 2 I took anything going!

KitKat1985 · 28/12/2014 13:44

On the fence on this one. On the one hand I agree that she should have been a bit more thankful given the time you put into it, but on the other hand if she's just had a baby she's probably completely sleep-exhausted and overwhelmed by everything. My DD is 3 and a half months old and we were completely overwhelmed by cards and presents when she was born, which was lovely, but those first few weeks were an exhausted whirlwind and I'm sure I probably forgot to thank some people for their gifts. Oh and we were completely inundated with people giving us second hand stuff which we didn't have room for, so can understand why your friend declined some stuff. I also suspect she was probably being polite in complimenting your quilt cover, and didn't really want one herself, sorry like that bloody year I complimented MIL on her Disney-themed Christmas decorations out of politeness and now she buys us the bloody things constantly.

crocodiledundeelady · 28/12/2014 13:51

Oh dear, I definitely understand why you might feel a little disappointed, but I'm afraid that I think YABU for holding it against her.

The text was not ideally worded, and it definitely would have been better for it to have included a 'thank you.' However, I definitely think that the 'spirit' of the message was to thank you, if that makes sense. I always try to say something about the gift I receive in a thank you message (eg 'the scarf will be great for my bike ride to work' or something like that) and if someone got me something for the home, I might say something about it coming in useful - for me that would be a way of saying that I appreciated the gift and was going to use it. If she is a friend of yours, why not be generous in your interpretation of her message -- especially since she has a young child and has probably been rushed off her feet at Christmas. Also - and sorry for suggesting this - but it may be that she didn't like the design of the blanket and wanted to say something nice about it, so commented on its utility. Personally, I have no problem lying through my teeth about gifts, but if being honest is important to her then I can see that that would be a tempting way to get around the problem of present she's less than bowled over by.

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with her having refused second hand clothes. It was a lovely gesture of you to offer her them but she was not obliged to take them, and I do think that YAB a little U for being offended that she did not accept clothes that she clearly would not have used. Just donate the clothes to a charity shop and someone will be very grateful. with the toys, it sounds like she thought that she thought that you just wanted them off your hands.

Honestly, I would concentrate on the positive aspects of the friendship and interpret her actions in a spirit of generosity - after all, you'll both be happier that way.

CinnabarRed · 28/12/2014 13:56

I suspect that she's sleep deprived and at that stage where she simply can't imagine her DC being big enough to use a duvet. At the moment, it probably seems kind but irrelevant - perhaps even annoying if she needs to find somewhere to store it until her baby is out of sleeping bags and a cot. I think she'll love it when her DC is a bit bigger.

emms1981 · 28/12/2014 13:59

I wish I had a friend like you op.
Your gift sounds lovely, she's an ungreatful cow.
I was given losts of baby things when mine were born and I was very greatful, a "friend" kept saying how she was skint and looking for more baby things so I gave her a bag full of my neutral things and she text to say she would take it to a car boot!

Fairylea · 28/12/2014 14:05

Your gift sounds lovely. Of course she should have been more thankful. It doesn't take much to say "thanks for the gift, it's beautiful" or whatever does it? I think she's very rude considering its something you clearly made yourself and put thought into. Even if she was just being polite on Facebook and didn't really want one herself it's just bloody manners!

Mousefinkle · 28/12/2014 14:12

Your gift is really lovely and thoughtful. You put a lot of effort and time into it, she was quite rude and ungrateful. Is it possible though that she'll post a photo of it on facebook and tag you in it to thank you that way? "look at this beautiful quilt phoenix made for X, he loves it! Thank you!" Kinda thing? One would hope...

ElizabethHoover · 28/12/2014 14:20

but maybe she didnt like it? Thats why her response was polite but muted? She doenst want no more patchwork dino-quilts again!

afterthought · 28/12/2014 14:21

I find the complimenting / thanking thing really difficult.

I complimented MIL on a scarf she had made once, next thing I know I had one made for me. The scarf suited her and I thought it was really nice, but it isn't the kind of thing I would wear myself. I'm now really careful about complimenting people.

I was brought up to always thank people for things, even if I didn't like it. I have always done this and thanked someone a bit too enthusiastically for a present I didn't like and I now get the new season version every single year.

Regarding the second hand clothes I think it was much better she told you she wouldn't use them than accepting them and possibly disposing of them. At least you have the chance to give them to someone else. People shouldn't have to accept everything - it doesn't sound like she was rude with her rejection of them.

She should have included the words 'thanks' in her text, but I think saying it is useful is fine. I love getting 'useful' presents.

ilovepowerhoop · 28/12/2014 14:28

why would you give her something she can't even use for several months (duvets not recommended under 1 year)? She did at least acknowledge it and say it would come in useful (just not yet).

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2014 14:33

It was a thoughtful gift.

She hasn't been as effusive in her thanks as you would have liked.

You can move on, forget about it and not go to so much effort again or drop her as a friend because you can't let go of your annoyance.

Fairylea · 28/12/2014 14:35

Surely though even if you don't like something you show thanks and appreciation for it especially if it's something they have clearly taken time to make? It doesn't mean you have to use it or wear it non stop or even at all - you can always conveniently "lose" it - but just to say thank you it's lovely costs nothing does it?

It's a bit like the stereotypical hideous hand knitted jumper at christmas thing (not saying your quilt is hideous at all op by the way) - even if you really dislike the jumper it's socially the right thing to do to put it on and accept it with excitement. And bin later if you must. That's how the whole christmas jumper tradition has come about. It's about embracing a gift for the thought and care that's been put into choosing it or making it.

ElizabethHoover · 28/12/2014 14:36

the quilt does sound pretty er, unique

LadyLuck10 · 28/12/2014 14:41

She probably commented on your photo out of pleasantness. You took it literally and made her one.
I'm sorry but I too don't like second hand clothes/toys, and wouldn't take it if offered knowing I'm not going to use it. I don't think she is rude.
Tbh a patchwork quilt would not be something I would overjoyed with and there's nothing wrong with it. She thanked you so not sure what's the issue. You need to not keep passing on stuff to her, not everyone wants it.

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