To be upset by indifference of friend to Xmas gift?

[phoenixrose314]

I don't normally post here because I have a nervous disposition, but this has been niggling away at me and I just want to know if my feelings are unreasonable or whether I should be upset...

So, one of my oldest friends recently had a baby boy, more or less a year younger than my DS. I try to see them both as often as I can, but as I work full time and have a young toddler on my hands it's not as easy as I'd like. Basically I'd made a duvet cover for my son in different patchwork fabric and stitched his name onto it - it's a bit higgledy piggledy but that's its charm, I posted a picture of it on Facebook and she said it was really lovely. So naturally I made her little boy one for Christmas - it only took me a few hours, but I took a long time choosing dinosaur and animal fabrics specifically because they match the theme of her nursery, so it was a well-thought out present. I even bought the duvet to go in it in case she didn't have one yet.

Anyway, we exchange gifts a few days before Christmas, and she got my DS a gorgeous little red hoodie with skull prints all over it (right up my street!) I sent her a text to say thanks so much, I love it, etc, and she texts back saying "Glad you like it. X's present will come in useful. Merry Christmas xxx"

... Am I being unreasonable to be a tiny bit upset she wasn't more grateful? She didn't even actually say thank you... To give some backstory, this is the same friend who refused a bag full of newborn baby clothes "because we'd prefer new, thank you", and when I gave her some of DS's baby toys (all in v good condition!) "I probably won't keep all of them, I can give some to next door." Erm no I'll take them back then thanks!!

Does it match the rest of her sons room?

(im terribly anal about things matching)

The gift you made sounds beautiful, personal and handmade, with a lot of thought and effort, better than any gift you can pick up in a shop. Yes I would have expected more appreciation, especially she mentioned that she liked the one you made your ds. I would ask her, oh did you like the duvet cover, I made ds one similar.

The attitudes on here by some are really sad, I don't blame you op. Next time don't offer her anything, just buy her ds something from the shop for Christmas and Birthday.

FFS I haven't just had a baby and haven't thanked anyone for anything yet!

Yes she said that she chose the fabric to match her nursery.

She sounds like she values different things to those that you value, e.g. she likes box-fresh/brand new, you like vintage/second-hand & crafty. You just have different tastes. When I give someone a gift, I always choose something in their style, not my style iyswim. She was probably just being polite about the quilt, as much as that must hurt.

I hated people bringing unwanted second hand clothes and toys, they went straight to the charity shops. Its perfectly reasonable for people not to want their house cluttered with other peoples crap.

As for the present, you gave her something that won't be suitable for use for a fairly long time and tbh, it may not go with the bedroom or be the particular standard she likes for bedding.

When someone routinely gifts things with no thought for the receivers wants/needs/taste, it gets a bit annoying and offensive. She went to the effort of buying something that your child can use in the style that you like. You gave her something that she can't use (for now at least) and may not like and you have a history of unloading junk on her.

YABU and probably overthinking this. You say yourself that she doesn't hold back (she has let you know she doesn't like used stuff and will offload anything surplus to requirements). She doesn't sound the effusive type. I'm sure she would leave you in no doubt if she didn't like it. I once gave my sister a fluffy grey throw and matching cushion for Christmas 2 years ago. she looked at them as if I'd shit in a box and stuck a sprig of holly in it. I recently saw a photo of her snuggled up with them quite happily. I'd more than expected her to pass them on or to leave them in her wardrobe.

YANBU. I had something similar happen to me. Friends with 2 DC live abroad, I sent both a present for Christmas. including Advent calendars, so they were sent 2nd week November. Not even an email thanks. They don't send to our DCs, but they've never met, whereas I know theirs well, met before I married. Have decided I will not bother again.

Wow, you're a peach, Celeste, aren't you?

I know Clam, there are a few on here today aren't there!

Celeste Your post was vile! The OP said that her 'friend' had complimented on DS's quilt. I would have done just as she did and the gift sounds lovely and is not second hand at all.

NEVER EVER EVER give someone handmade goods and expect them to appreciate them. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. And it's not necesssarily due to quality: I've even heard a professional hand-knitter/designer say her handmade knits aren't appreciated by some of their recipients.

I'm seconding the "she's probably sleep-deprived" suggestion.

OP, you say you are sad you don't feel close any more: what do you think you could do about that? Visit in a low-key way? Chat via FB?

I can appreciate the work which goes into homemade crafty items but I don't want any in my house! Last year, a good friend of mine made me a framed thing containing bits of fabric and scrabble tiles. wtf. YABU gifting homemade stuff.

Give Celeste a break. It's an Internet forum and she has offered her own opinion on second-hand stuff. I doubt she'd say that in RL. It's just information that might help OP in forming her own opinion concerning her friend's response (which wasn't about second-hand stuff anyway).

And it's true about the tyranny of unwanted gifts, too. Or it can be. How to politely ensure your well-meaning relative doesn't keep spending their pension on stuff you find appalling is a life-skill.

You know, OP, you need to work out what you really want from your friend - assurance of continued friendship - and work out how to get that.
As this thread demonstrates, people are so very different, only you and your friend can sort this out.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt on the exact phrasing and tone of a text.

It is lovely that you put so much thought into it, but if the baby is newborn, maybe something that can be used before his/her first birthday might have been even more thoughtful.

Give her a break? She's hardly been bombarded with criticism. Just 3 of us objected to her unpleasant and sneery tones.
Still, I don't suppose people gifting her anything at all is much of an issue for her if that's her attitude in life.

Oh OP. I feel your pain as I agree it sounds like she's not that keen on the duvet. I think it's really difficult. On the one hand, I make some crafty things for friends sometimes - I find that people who really like what I've made will just say "I'd love one" or "Can you make me one" if I post them on FB; other people do compliment but don't request and I assume that they appreciate the effort/skill but don't want one themselves.

I did make something unsolicited for my MIL, who is a genuinely lovely woman but was obviously a bit baffled by it so although she does display it I haven't made anything else of that type for her. And yes, I was a little bit stung, so I understand where you are coming from. But since then I have been quite careful to look at what people actually have at home before I spend time and effort making something for them. If someone has a pristine, white, spotless house with everything new then I accept that they probably will not want the sort of thing that I make so I buy them something bland that they will like.

Sorry but I think you are being a little over-sensitive.

I'm afraid I wouldn't have appreciate the quilt or hand-me-down clothes & toys, not everyone does. She was polite enough to text and acknowledge the gift. Perhaps she feared if she gushed too much, you'd have continued to craft things for her which she doesn't want.

She should have explicitly said thank you though.

Imo it's totally reasonable to disagree with the content of what Celeste (or anyone) says, but personally I find name-calling and ad hominem insults really hard to read :(.

A lot of people don't really like handmade gifts. I don't tbh. But I understand why you're upset. And she should have pretended to be grateful at least.

The quilt was the Christmas gift, and it was hand-made, not second hand.

For what it's worth Op, I think your friend was thoughtless, but a lot of people are. Everyone gets presents they aren't keen on from time to time, but it's polite to thank the giver properly. Particularly polite to recognise the effort put into a hand-made gift.

The thing about pretending to be grateful ...
I had one relative who would gift me household items.
Anyone familiar with my posting style will probably guess I was always quick to do all that was necessary in the way of gratitude.
And then she escalated from lamps to tables. She arrived at my flat with an actual table - big table - as a birthday present.
I already had a table.
I would have had to place one table on top of the other OR placed the side by side and love UNDER them.

That's why I say that saying: "Thank you - but more," without causing embarrassment or offence, is a life-skill.

I agree that you should do pretty much anything rather than 'grin and bear it.' NOT that it's bad in itself, and many people will either not notice or not be childish enough to think it's an issue, let along comment, but realistically, you are going to get some comments. And if the idea of that is bothering you now, then I don't think you'll enjoy the grinning and bearing process. So I'd do any one of the things being suggested by commenters here.