Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think being happy with yourself doesn't make you conceited?

56 replies

LokiBear · 28/12/2014 08:57

Back story to avoid drip feeding:
I'm in my early 30's. Throughout my teens and 20s I've struggled with body image and self esteem. I've overcome an eating disorder that I had for ten years and cost me some of my real teeth. When I got pregnant at 27, I really wanted a boy. The only reason I wanted a boy is because I didn't want to have a little girl who would end up a socially awkward, self loathing, anxious person like me. However, I had a beautiful little girl. I was, and still am, terrified that I might pass on my crazy to her. I never want her to go through what I put myself through. I love her so much, the thought if her suffering is unbearable. So, I resolved that I would fix myself, stop messing around with food and start setting a good example for my little girl. I'm a wobbly size 10-12. My butt is 10 inches bigger than my small waist, making me completely out of proportion meanjng clothes shopping has always been a nightmare. However, after spending a life time 'changing' myself and getting nowhere, I decided to stop. I started dressing to suit myself rather than trying to follow fashion. I now live in black tights and flare from the waist dresses. Not cutting edge fashion but they flatter my figure. I only do exercise that I enjoy. I accept compliments with a 'thank you' rather than make a self deprecating comment. I try and think positively about every aspect of myself. I speak positively about myself in front of my daughter - by which I mean, I ask dh if I look nice rather than if I look fat. After 3 years of sheer determined effort to just like myself, warts and all, I finally do. I am, at last, happy with the imperfect, never going to be a beauty queen, person who stares back at me. I'm a nice person, a good mum, a hard working and professional woman. I'm setting a good example for my dd and I make the best of myself. I'm happy. Genuinely happy with who I am and how I look.

However, at a Christmas party yesterday, I was talking to some other women who asked about New Years resolutions. They all talked about wanting to lose weight/ juice cleanse/hit the gym and I didn't say anything. One of them asked me directly and I said I didn't really have any. One of the other women said 'why, are you that perfect already?' In a jokey way. I laughed and said 'pretty much'. To which another woman, quite shocked, asked if I was serious. I said of course not, I just didn't feel like I wanted to change anything, to which she then said 'ah so you are just too lazy to change then?' Backtracking and a bit embarrassed l told them the 'back story' story above, about my ed and how I wanted to be a good role model for my dd. Only for the juice cleanser girl to say that she could never be 'that conceited'. Surely it isn't conceited to be happy with yourself? I can't believe that I am the only woman who feels like they like themselves, surely?

OP posts:
WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 28/12/2014 09:41

Not conceited at all.

A number of tears ago (when I was a size 20) I mentioned to some (otherwise very lovely) work colleagues that I thought it was better to be happy than thin. They were genuinely completely horrified at such heresy and quite cross with me.

To put it in context I said it after listening to these slum, beautiful, stylish ladies talk for an hour about what was wrong with their bodies.

A number of years later following the birth of my children I ended up a size 8. They stopped speaking to me at this time which I'm sure was a coincidence.

I was no 'happier' size 8 than size 20, I just looked better.

You sound pretty perfect to me OP.

Better to be happy than thin.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 28/12/2014 09:42

^^ oops typos all over that! Blush

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 28/12/2014 09:53

I would love to be happy with myself. Im not in the slightest and I know what needs to be done. I know what to do but its hard going!

OP I think its fab that you are happy with yourself and you should be!

Another way to remain happy with yourself is to stay away from these joy-killers. They sound awful!

Balaboosta · 28/12/2014 09:53

What a brilliant post! I absolutely love your attitude! Don't listen to those horrible women. You aren't conceited, you have just taken yourself in hand. Huge difference. And "juice cleanse"? - good luck with that!

maddening · 28/12/2014 09:54

I think the woman was trying to make a sale- to not want to do a sodding juice cleanse after suffering an eating disorder is far from conceited.

And a classic hourglass figure for a woman has 10 inches difference between waist and hips - so your figure sounds fabulous :)

maddening · 28/12/2014 09:56

Ps the diet industry panics when women are happy with themselves - it is built on insecurity - they love to drag you down.

GokTwo · 28/12/2014 10:05

YANBU. I cannot emphasise that enough. Please do NOT change!!!!! You sound like you have a similar style to mine. I live in tights and dresses. I went through many years of feeling crap about myself and frustrated about my body. Then I was very ill for 2 years and aside from the odd annoying symptom that I have left from my illness I have a newfound appreciation of my body. I now think "I have a body, I am so lucky and happy that it works". I absolutely will not waste anymore time whinging and moaning about my shape etc. when I was ill all I wanted was to be well and here for my daughter, nothing else mattered.

I think a lot of women are trapped in very unhealthy patterns of negative behaviour around food, dieting and body image. They see anyone who is not as a threat or weird.

Catzeyess · 28/12/2014 10:15

You are fabulous not conceited!!

Honestly I would genuinely feel sorry for juice lady. That's a really sad attitude to have. Hopefully one day she will feel happier in her own skin.

Snowmonkey77 · 28/12/2014 10:22

Confidence and self belief is attractive, neurosis and insecurity is not. And it doesn't matter what size you are. You sound amazing and you would do well to avoid such toxic people in future!

farendofafart · 28/12/2014 10:30

OP, I'm 10 years older than you and only just coming to the same realisations. I just wish I'd had your maturity at your age. You are brilliant.

And you never know, one of those women may just have taken away a little piece of wisdom from you that day, and will now begin their own journey towards ending the self-loathing.

And thank you for such an inspiring post. [Thanks]

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/12/2014 10:39

YANBU. I look in the mirror every morning and say "I'm gorgeous". It's to stop myself being too self-critical. Xmas Smile

BallsforEarings · 28/12/2014 10:56

I am far from perfect, but I'm happy being me, I do my best and know what I want - I wish I was healthier like I used to be when I had more time for myself but that's because I'm in my forties and want to stick around as long as I can, so that is all I want to change, but I can do that this year.

I did not feel like that in my twenties, I was so sure I was not good enough but I know now what really matters to me, that's the difference!

I actually feel like I look better than I did when it really mattered to me -strange that!

Whatever is working for you is right for you, other people should get on and do what works for them and stop sniping at you!!

BakewellSlice · 28/12/2014 11:04

You sound sensible to me OP but not the norm iyswim.

Keep doing what you are doing.

I don't have the usual body/looks hang-ups and it is surprising how many other women think you must have. There was a clip on Miranda this week when she was going on about how attractive a younger woman was and a friend said "She says what we all think!" And once more I was given a glimpse of the unhappy comparison mindset.

I have plenty of other hang-ups to make up for it (necessary self-deprecation there Grinbut very true nonetheless!)

Echocave · 28/12/2014 11:13

You sound like a brilliant mum and with your experience I think you will be well equipped to tackle any issues at all with your children later on. The party ladies sound a bit dim. But partly also a product of social conditioning- that we must always be worrying about our looks, that we must constantly put ourselves down. It's a very dull but seriously ingrained habit (I do it myself and have started to think 'shut up!' when I hear myself).
Keep doing what you're doing soap, you sound pretty awesome to me.

Bonsoir · 28/12/2014 11:17

Juice cleansing is a ridiculous useless fad with no point at all.

If you like the gym, fair enough, but walking around with a small child is excellent exercise.

"Conceited" is the conspicuous following of status symbol trends.

ninetynineonehundred · 28/12/2014 11:18

Op if you could bottle that attitude of yours and sell it you would make a fortune!
Not conceited at all.
Congratulations on your recovery.
Happy new year xx

Echocave · 28/12/2014 11:20

By soap of course I meant OP!

Also I haven't heard of juice cleanse but their hostility may have been explained by the fact that they were trying to get you to buy something!

duplodon · 28/12/2014 11:21

Ffs, what bitches. I am the same as you but with boys. I'm a size 16 now, so not even slim, but I know full well that maintaining at this weight is FAR more healthy for me than returning to the obsession and egomania that is an eating disorder. Thank God those days are gone. I will never diet again, ever. I don't give a rat's ass whether anyone thinks I should. They don't know what it's like to live with that torture and obsessionality.

ChickenMe · 28/12/2014 11:32

Spit..they sound like dickheads. As for a juice cleanse-yeah I'd like to see her bowel after that (or not).

OP you have the right attitude and your daughter will be streets ahead of her peers. I feel the same as you. I'm happy with myself too.

As I'm having a DC soon I feel the same as you-the language you use is so important. I do go to the gym but I see it now as I want to be fit and maintain muscle. Same with eating-I do try to eat healthy but it's for nutrition not weight loss.

Being "good" is an unhealthy approach. Why do women have to be "good" or "bad"? I don't see some factory made artificial low fat pudding as "being good".

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2014 11:33

To let go of insecurities and be happy within your own body is a great achievement - good for you OP

it's not conceited to be happy in your own skin and not want to change

RedRoom · 28/12/2014 11:39

My bum is 10" bigger than my waist, like yours. I don't see that it is disproportionate at all! It's supposed to be a very desirable, sexy ratio because it gives a nice curve to the hips. I am 37-27-37. I wouldn't say I'm conceited, either! I just see it as one of my best features.

pudding25 · 28/12/2014 11:51

I think you sound amazing! Well done on changing your life around and setting such a good example for your daughter.

blanklook · 28/12/2014 12:54

Wow OP, what a fabulous attitude you have, seriously, your daughter has a fantastic advantage with a thoughtful mum like you.
You deserve a medal for all the hard work and effort you've put in, but this is all I've got Flowers

I'd say your figure is the classic hourglass shape, very enviable, think film starlets like Marylin Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, you know, those ladies who look effortlessly classy and fantastic in skirts cinched in at the waist.

Well Done You Xmas Grin

KarmaViolet · 28/12/2014 13:24

YADNBU OP.

I'm also happy with myself. I used to have a Body Shop poster on my wall that said "There are three billion women in the world, only six of them are supermodels." (from the 90s I think) I'm a pear shaped size 12. My body won't be wining any beauty awards but it gets me up and down hills and has just pushed out and is nourishing a baby. My body is fantastic and I love it. I hope my daughter is happy with herself in the same way.

I do realise that this is one of the things you are never supposed to say and I think that's so sad.

On a related note, the other thing women are not meant to admit to is being good at maths. As part of my job once a month I work in a group of three - one person does the talking, one looks things up and one does the (basic) sums. Every single month they perform this absurd ritual of "Who's good at maths?" "Oh no I'm so dreadful at maths - simper - I couldn't possibly" until one person is pretend-reluctantly forced into it. I made the mistake of taking it literally the first time and volunteered, and they have never let me forget it. (I wasn't claiming to be Einstein, these are the sorts of sums that a year 3 should handle quite competently and we do have calculators!)

BriarRainbowshimmer · 28/12/2014 13:47

Juice woman was being v rude.
Congrats on your recovery, you have a great attitude.