To not know what to say

[bluejanuary]

One of my closest friends adopted a little boy a year ago with her husband.

I knew how difficult they have been finding it and today have found out the adoption has broken down

My heart breaks for her but I just don't know what to say. I've said I understand why it's happened.

Any advice from anyone (I have namechanged for this post sorry.)

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

hi there
It was reported to us, as there was no AIBU question iyswwm but we can leave it yes.
Peace and love all.

[bluejanuary]

LIZS, I am in my early 30s now so was only born in the early 1980s and can't claim any area of expertise :)

Certainly, the impression I always had was that teenage pregnancies were something to be ashamed of and were often, though not always, given up for adoption: perhaps I am basing this on literature (!) I enjoyed as a teenager!

I am now wondering when terminations became perhaps "mainstream" (that is a very clumsy phrase which i apologise for) - I know they became legal in 1967 but it used to be the case, I think, that one had to have it "approved" by at least two doctors on health grounds.

[RandomMess]

It's heart breaking that so many children are permanently damaged by their babyhood experiences - whether they end up in care then adopted or stay with birth parents. Damaged babies become damaged children who become damaged adults - may to be a lesser degree than in this instance but damaged and hurting and suffering all the same.

blue I hope your friends come to terms with what has happened, they must be desperately sad.

[bluejanuary]

Thank you Olivia :)

(The "aibu" was - "to not know what to say?")

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's ok, Shockers, I should have been clearer. I'm in support of Furry and think that those telling her not to be judgemental should shut up.
====

With respect, BlueJanuary, you've posted the following and if your friend or somebody she knows who also knows the basics, read here, they would be able to discern that it's your friend.

I am certainly not going to divulge the sort of things that have led to the adoption breaking down, and I use those words deliberately. The child has not been "returned" - things have "broken down" irrevocably. She - and her husband - have gone through absolute agony, and didn't so much make the decision as realise they were backed into a corner with nowhere else to go: the only other alternative would have been for one parent to have moved out with the child and the other parent to have stayed with their other child and pets. However, this wasn't an option because it would have been too upsetting for their other child and also due to finances - she gave up work to try and make things worse.

Perhaps I am heartless but while I am very sad for this child my real compassion and heartbreak is reserved for my friend and her husband, not just because of the unhappiness they've gone through leading to this point but also because as much as I assured them others wouldn't judge them and would understand, I now see they will.

You've put this 'out there'. I'd be very upset if I were your friend and wouldn't find this supportive at all.

You also called an 'adoptee' posting here, judgemental... I was livid on her behalf at that.

[Goldmandra]

I would really like to see some of the people on this thread cope with a child with RAD or one who had experienced extreme neglect/abuse.

I think the posters on this thread who have experience of attachment disorders are holding back from describing the behaviours you see in these children, possibly because it is hard to do so without demonising them.

Unless you have experience and mine is very limited, of dealing with the extreme nature of these behaviours, you are in no position to judge these parents.

[Lilka]

Termination still has to be approved by 2 doctors on the grounds laid out by law, OP

The thing is, obviously this thread is likely to be upsetting for many adoptees, but just because someone is an adoptee doesn't mean they aren't capable of being judgemental (I'm not talking about people on this thread, just in general). Same with other adoptive parents. Anyone can be, especially if they don't have personal experience of challenging modern adoptions. It's also a difficult topic for me, and I'm very sensitive of anyone saying something I perceive to be judging the parents (ie. they were wrong to do it, I would never disrupt, etc). I've not said most things that have been on my mind on this thread because it's not a good idea!

[RandomMess]

I have a friend who has approved for adopting and they seem convinced provided the girl is under 3 then it will be fine, it's only older dc that have horrific issues why haven't the adoption agency picked up on this huge flaw in their beliefs/understanding????

[bluejanuary]

Lying - as I have said, I have not said one word about my own circumstances and nor will I.

I do think the post made by Furry was judgemental, and while I obviously regret that it has made you livid, I am afraid I cannot state that your anger has any real bearing on the post.

There are all sorts of reasons as to why various posts on here may strike a nerve with somebody and of course, I am not immune to this. However, my friends are not Furry; the child they adopted is not her either. As such, her distress is misplaced and I am not going to take responsibility for it - or for the anger you evidently feel.

It is certainly true that my friends may recognise themselves and I have tried to take precautions: name-changing; not divulging details beyond the minimum and perhaps most importantly, emphasising throughout they are wonderful people who did their best. Luckily, I didn't have to take any precautions for that last one :) as indeed they are.

[bluejanuary]

Apologies Lilka I was under the impression it could be done privately without "consent" (so to speak.)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

So patronising. I'll leave you to your 'heart break' then, OP.

[LuluJakey1]

My understanding is that once a child is adopted there is very little further support apart from very infrequent contact from social worker.

Is that true?

If it is, it seems very badly-thought out. As the children who have actually been removed permenently from birth parents and taken into the care system - usually a last resort- surely ongoing support for those children should be available as they need it.

[Mrsstarlord]

As others have said it sounds like you really genuinely are sympathetic to the challenges your friends have faced and continue to face so I don't think you need to worry about what to say. I also think this needs to be here, where it will be seen by people who wouldn't necessarily read about this. Attachment disorders and difficulties are so incredibly hard to understand and live with and unless you have you really can't comment with any level of credibility. The needs of kids with these types of challenges varies hugely so even having been through it you still can't truly understand someone else's experience.

[bluejanuary]

Lying, you're just being obnoxious and there really isn't any good reason for it other than the fact I said another poster's message was judgemental and that you dislike the subject matter.

Again, if you have read my post as patronising I regret that but I'm not going to take responsibility for you reading an intention that wasn't there.

[Mrsstarlord]

Lulu, in theory post adoption support is much more accessible now than it used to be but it seems (like many other things) to be a postcode lottery sadly

[RandomMess]

I know MrsDeVere - I'm torn between hoping they don't get a blond blue eyed girl (with no known imperfections such as glasses!) or they do get one who happens to have had a really good early start in life so it works out...

[Mrsstarlord]

My sons were removed at birth and fostered by an amazing couple, one has LD the other some serious attachment and anxiety issues. Their early years couldn't have been much more text book (well within the adoption context) but attachment is an issue from in utero, there are no guarantees.

[Waltonswatcher]

Agency support isn't the great white knight either . Their help is often interference for box ticking . My nephew has thrived since my mum took legal guardianship and therefore removed all ss support .

[Fingeronthebutton]

I don't know if some of you are aware of the case not long ago involving Essex Social Services where a couples lives were ruined by a not well thought out adoption.
The poor little children came from the most horrendous circumstances but the adoptive parents were never told any of this. The case was so badly handled by the SS that the experts in the court case said that the parents did not have the skills to handle these children. The couple successfully sued Essex Social Services. It's not all black and white with these cases.

[Fingeronthebutton]

If some of you think that's it's a case of ' oh I don't like this one, I think I'll send it back' try and find this case. It will truly make you see things differently.