To not know what to say

[bluejanuary]

One of my closest friends adopted a little boy a year ago with her husband.

I knew how difficult they have been finding it and today have found out the adoption has broken down

My heart breaks for her but I just don't know what to say. I've said I understand why it's happened.

Any advice from anyone (I have namechanged for this post sorry.)

[bluejanuary]

Tangerine - let me put it this way, I have changed some salient details.

"They" will not mind a bit.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Tangerineandturquoise]

I think YABU to air your friends story on a forum like this-adoption let alone disruption isn't common enough that those who know them will not recognize them from your post. And if they see this thread they will see judgments from people who see this one act but don't see the good things they have done in their lives- the amazing stuff that is in them. They see the wounded boy but not the wounded people

If you want to support them, then tell them you are sorry.
Tell them that actually they are brave, because whilst disruption is catastrophic to a child, I don't believe it is more damaging than them being raised in an environment where they are constantly reminded that they are a disappointment to the dream of adoption-where they are resented for their behaviours, where they are in a household of resentful and emotionally damaged people.

I don't think it is unreasonable for an adoptee to hold your friends accountable to the same standards as their own parents. That is what Furry is doing, for all we know she may have presented with a myriad of attachment problems that her parents coped with and helped her through. It's a sweeping judgement to assume she can't be resentful or judgemental because she must have been an easy child.

I also don't think that the sweeping statement should be made some children are too old to be adopted. Actually some children who are older at adoption can be less damaged, either their treatment wasn't as horrific so it took longer to see there was no hope for rehabilitating the family or because for their formative months/early years there was consistent nurturing care from either the birth mother or a relative who then becomes unable to provide that anymore. Both of these circumstances can offer an older child the chance to heal into a new family. On the flip side they can both be quite damaging to children if they aren't handled well. But earlier removal wont always give you a more successful outcome.

In our prep class there was a family who adopted a four year old, who had a consistent reliable attachment figure, it was only when that person was no longer around that the child's life was allowed to fall apart and intervention became necessary- that child actually is very grounded into their new family. A lot more so than another child whose infancy was horrific yet they were younger at removal.

I don't think it is BU to air the topic for discussion, there are so many things that cloud adoption. We have a child and time after time when we went for help with adoption support we were kept at arms length because most adopters with a child like ours disrupt and they didn't want to invest the financial and emotional resources into a sad ending- but actually our child is now doing really really well, ironically at great cost to ourselves but without those who were paid to provide support to us by the state.

BUT not everyone is cut out for the challenges that adoption can bring. Not everyone can or cares to make the sacrifices that it involves, they connect into adoption because they want their dream child, or they want to change a child's life and make it perfect.
Are they willing to give up their careers to do it- not always no. Are they willing to accept along the way their house may well be trashed and their walls dented, that they themselves will be lashed out at
People will feel entitled to judge and blame?
That accessing support will be like pulling hens teeth?
Are they willing to accept that 100 times they will be reminded they are not the parents, until the child has traveled through it all and is scaffolded enough to see what a parent actually is, and all the while knowing that when their child turns 18 the person who damaged them, and ruined their childhood can just write letters to them and slip straight back in there.

Adoption takes love and lots of other stuff. So does parenting a birth child I know that, but birth children generally aren't crippled by trauma abuse and disrupted attachments.

There is no consistency in the process- one agency might turn potential adopters down, they will go to another agency who take them to panel successfully in 12 weeks flat. One agency will send a child off into a new life with an amazing support package-another might send an identical child off with their fingers crossed that they wont have to fund anything at all.

There are some people out there who would be bloody good at adoption but their age or health habits or financial circumstances make it hard to even contemplate. Social workers checklists mean that they probably wouldn't get approved, we listened to a social worker in all seriousness explain that she didn't like middle class educated people adopting because it is social engineering, actually from the wreck of a life that our child came from and the birth parents came from a bit of social engineering from people willing to research and work at changing that child's life's outcomes isn't such a bad thing.

The biggest obstacle to adoption is voters- because actually not enough adopters vote to make support a priority for anyone other than some maligned Tory politicians and children can't vote. When David Milliband a popular politician was in charge of the department that oversaw adoption- he decided he didn't like the system so he went abroad to adopt. I am glad he is happy with his children adopted from birth- but for other families he still could have changed things, especially the things he didn't like, who knows he might even have made changes that could have improved your friend's son's life.

[GokTwo]

We were going to adopt. We only got part way through the process (no child placed just doing the assessment) when we pulled out due to health problems. We are still in touch with 5 of the families in our group. Of those 5 all went on to adopt and 4 have been very successful and happy (8 years on now). 1 family have had a very, very difficult time but they are getting there. I have to say that seeing what they have gone through has made me feel glad that we did not go ahead. I cannot imagine how horrendous I would feel if that was my family and the guilt I would feel at inflicting such a terribly difficult situation on my Dd. When adoption goes well it is fantastic for everyone but when it doesn't it is unimaginably challenging.

[CinderellaRockefeller]

A friend of my dads adopted two siblings about ten years ago. After a year and a half of trying everything, the older brother had to be "sent back"

The final straw was when he tried to kill his little sister by shoving her down the stairs. He was explicit he wanted to kill her, it wasn't an accident. He was hurting her every time he had the opportunity, bruises, burns, punches. It was decided by the social workers and the family, eventually, agonisingly, that the older brother needed to be in an environment where he was the only child, as all his rage was directed at his sister.

He was utterly charming in company, but had such serious issues, the other child had to be put first.

Do people think better he stayed and eventually did manage to seriously injury the little sister? Because it was his forever family?

[Mrsstarlord]

Waltons - we have it easy compared to many people, it has become normal to us and we get through it and I don't regret a single day of any of it. But I do understand how it can be unbearable for some people. Being an adoptive parent doesn't make people infallible or superhuman it's an emotional roller coaster even to the point of becoming a parent, admitting that the adoption has broken down must be heartbreaking.

[MagpieCursedTea]

I've noticed a lot of the people who have been upset by this thread have been adoptees. This is understandably a sensitive issue especially for those personally effected by similar circumstances.
OP, perhaps it would be worth asking MN to change the title to something more descriptive so people know what they're getting into before opening the thread?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

OP, this is devastating news for everyone concerned. Think of how you would approach a bereavement (which in effect this is) and go from there. Let them know you care, you don't judge them, and offer whatever help you can.

Other posters - There's lots of material out there if you google "attachment disorder" which might give some insight into the issues the OP's friends have had to struggle with

[PurplePidjingThroughTheSnow]

I can't describe the behaviour I've seen from children I've known who had Attachment Disorders because that would break their confidentiality. And I think that's part of why there's so much "secrecy" - each person responds to early neglect and/or abuse in their own way, so there isn't a defining set of behaviours (like the Triad of Impairment with ASD, for example) that can be widely discussed. Some children will walk away apparently unscathed, others will be terrifyingly violent, others withdrawn to the point of crippling shyness, others would skip off with anyone who smiled in their direction. Think the absolute worst of the terrible twos, but from a 6/8/10 year old or bigger and with no way of knowing if or when they might grow out of it.

Dealing with that level of challenging behaviour for the length of a shift is bloody tough. All day (and night) every day (and night)? Ouch.

[Waltonswatcher]

Mrsstarlord
Gosh I'm sorry . I hope your circumstances are happier now .

[Shockers]

Things I 'did' to my birth child that I didn't 'do' to my adopted children:

Carry him responsibly without drinking, smoking or taking drugs.

Bring him into a calm, loving environment, talk to him, feed him properly when he needed it, respond to his cries, his laughter, his every need...

I couldn't do that for DD. Instead there was a birth parent who was incapable (for 6 months) and then a succession of foster carers -one who told me she was 'difficult' and had to be 'force fed '... before the age of 1... Another who let her play with her dirty nappy on a daily basis in her cot, rather than put toys in there .

She left them at almost three.

[Fingeronthebutton]

If some of you think that's it's a case of ' oh I don't like this one, I think I'll send it back' try and find this case. It will truly make you see things differently.

[Fingeronthebutton]

I don't know if some of you are aware of the case not long ago involving Essex Social Services where a couples lives were ruined by a not well thought out adoption.
The poor little children came from the most horrendous circumstances but the adoptive parents were never told any of this. The case was so badly handled by the SS that the experts in the court case said that the parents did not have the skills to handle these children. The couple successfully sued Essex Social Services. It's not all black and white with these cases.

[Waltonswatcher]

Agency support isn't the great white knight either . Their help is often interference for box ticking . My nephew has thrived since my mum took legal guardianship and therefore removed all ss support .

[Mrsstarlord]

My sons were removed at birth and fostered by an amazing couple, one has LD the other some serious attachment and anxiety issues. Their early years couldn't have been much more text book (well within the adoption context) but attachment is an issue from in utero, there are no guarantees.

[RandomMess]

I know MrsDeVere - I'm torn between hoping they don't get a blond blue eyed girl (with no known imperfections such as glasses!) or they do get one who happens to have had a really good early start in life so it works out...

[Mrsstarlord]

Lulu, in theory post adoption support is much more accessible now than it used to be but it seems (like many other things) to be a postcode lottery sadly

[bluejanuary]

Lying, you're just being obnoxious and there really isn't any good reason for it other than the fact I said another poster's message was judgemental and that you dislike the subject matter.

Again, if you have read my post as patronising I regret that but I'm not going to take responsibility for you reading an intention that wasn't there.

[Mrsstarlord]

As others have said it sounds like you really genuinely are sympathetic to the challenges your friends have faced and continue to face so I don't think you need to worry about what to say. I also think this needs to be here, where it will be seen by people who wouldn't necessarily read about this. Attachment disorders and difficulties are so incredibly hard to understand and live with and unless you have you really can't comment with any level of credibility. The needs of kids with these types of challenges varies hugely so even having been through it you still can't truly understand someone else's experience.

[LuluJakey1]

My understanding is that once a child is adopted there is very little further support apart from very infrequent contact from social worker.

Is that true?

If it is, it seems very badly-thought out. As the children who have actually been removed permenently from birth parents and taken into the care system - usually a last resort- surely ongoing support for those children should be available as they need it.