Is DH BU to think his aunt has an agenda.

[GertyD]

Back story, DH's widowed aunt has been increasingly relying on us for company, chores and hot meals since her husband died 3 years ago. Visits have gone from once a week to 2-3 times per week and she has started to show signs of jealousy if we see anyone else. She insists we go on holiday together constantly and invited herself on our last trip. We know she is grieving and incredibly lonely so we generally let it go.

This aunt has a lot of money. She is extremely generous to us in the way of buying us gifts. But constantly. She buys stuff all the time, but mostly for me. Some of the gifts are really pricey - think tickets to shows, posh restaurants, clothes for the children from higher end shops. I have asked her on two occasions to stop buying us things - it is too much. I am not ungrateful by any means but the sheer volume and cost is enormous. Both times she stared crying and went on and on about how it makes her happy, and begged me not to try and stop her. DH thinks she is trying to buy us.
So this Xmas she is with us. DH bought me a gift, I had wanted since I was a teenager. Think decent brand handbag, about £150. Something I never would buy myself but always wanted. He hid it at her house.
DH's aunt then came to me on Xmas Eve when DH was at work. She had wrapped the gift, and written on a tag: From the boys.
She said that I had to open it there are then. That DH had told her to give it to me. I thought it was odd, but thought maybe she had bought me something 'from the boys' and just wanted me to have it. She has form for this.
So I unwrap it. See what it is. Shocked!!! She tells me to call DH and thank him. So I am really confused. I call but he doesn't answer, so I text him.
DH then goes mad!!! He gets really upset. It meant a lot to him to give me that and it cost him money we don't have.
I told the aunt he isn't happy and she says it was a mistake, that she misunderstood when he asked her to bring it to the house and put it under the tree, she had thought she had to give it to me.
DH thinks she has some bonkers agenda and is mad.
I have no idea why she would get it soooo wrong. What do you think? Sorry for the long post!!!

Well she is acting like he is the problem. Nothing said face to face as yet. All by email. Leaving that to one side. He clearly laid out why he was upset with her, and initially she just said "Ouch".
Now she is texting me asking me what his problem is. I have re-iterated what he said, and she responded with: "OMG! It is just a present. It's not like I murdered your son."
I have left it that she needs to talk to him.

Aw gerty what a shame. This seems to be causing such pointless needless stress.

I have no useful advice for you other than to say I agree your DH needs to talk to her in person. And that you need to step away from the situation until he does.

I don't mean to stop talking to her. Just refuse to discuss this situation as it needs to be discussed between them. If that makes sense?

I feel so sorry for you both.
She does seem to be hell bent on having her way.

Your posts indicate that you all care for her and that she was a fun person to be around. Has something else happened more recently than her partner passing away to trigger this behaviour?

Hope it's resolved soon and it ends well

Ooh it sounds like she has latched onto you and is quite intent on pushing your dh out.

I agree you now need to step back and let dh deal with this. She is trying to get you on side by texting you, as she clearly doesn't think she has done anything wrong. Like I said...... "driving a wedge!"

Keep making it clear to her that under no circumstances will you get drawn into a petty "he said, she said" situation, as she is putting you both in a horrible position.

I second the dog suggestion, especially if it is a rescue as she will feel needed. Also dog walking gives you a connection with people. I always see the same people to pass the day with when i am out and about.

If she honestly belived it was 'just a present' it wouldn't have been so important of her to muscle in on it, would it?

Anyway, I agree with others that you don't want to get dragged into the disagreement which is mainly between the two of them. Just stick to your line that she needs to talk to him about it directly.

TBH, I don't see this ending well - I was hoping that she might be able to recognise that she had gone too far and back off at this point, but she is denying and minimising, and that's the opposite of acknowledging responsibility for her actions. It will not be possible to come back from this without her admitting she's in the wrong. and it doesn't sound like she plans to do that. Even if she belatedly sees the need to offer some kind of half-hearted apology, the atmosphere has been soured now.

Just an update really. DH told aunt firmly that he needs some time - not months, just a few days to a week or so, he told her two days ago.

Tonight she texts me to tell me she is having suicidal thoughts and she has lots of strong meds on her person, I did not see the text and an hour later she texts again to say two other friends are heading over.

I contacted one of the people she said to see if they were with her, and they have no knowledge of what I am talking about. But the aunt us spending the week end with her. Whilst I am talking to her, aunt texts me again to say she has managed to stop them from driving over, but they are soooo worried about her. It is all just made up

We are meeting (me, DH and these other friends) in the next week or so to discuss a plan of action, as we all love her but won't be played like fools, and she has upset them as well with her nonsense.

DH has also emailed her estranged son to see if he is willing to come back.

Blimey

It sounds like she is having some sort of mental health problems at the moment. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get her help.

I started off feeling a bit sorry for her, as I see that I myself could end up being the unwanted aunt in the future, but her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I hope she can get back to being the woman she was before she lost her husband. How long is it since he died? (Can't remember if you have already said). It can take a long time to get over a death. Maybe she needs bereavement counselling, at the very least?

I second the counselling gerty. This is not normal behaviour. It must be awful for you all.

I think you all might need to call her on this most recent episode and ask her why she is doing it. And question every answer she has to get to the bottom of it. There must be something more going on that no-one is aware of yet.

It may be worth you looking into bereavement counselling "on her behalf" as in finding someone to tell this story to and getting professional advice on what to do next?

it's nice to hear that you are all trying to figure out how to help her rather than walking away. I hope it works out and you get the fun aunt back again

I agree it sounds like she is having some mental health issues. But her behaviour isn't acceptable.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say I think you are dealing with this brilliantly OP, with strength yet kindness when this must be incredibly stressful. I hope the meeting with her friends comes up with some answers and a way forward for you all.