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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH BU to think his aunt has an agenda.

59 replies

GertyD · 27/12/2014 10:47

Back story, DH's widowed aunt has been increasingly relying on us for company, chores and hot meals since her husband died 3 years ago. Visits have gone from once a week to 2-3 times per week and she has started to show signs of jealousy if we see anyone else. She insists we go on holiday together constantly and invited herself on our last trip. We know she is grieving and incredibly lonely so we generally let it go.

This aunt has a lot of money. She is extremely generous to us in the way of buying us gifts. But constantly. She buys stuff all the time, but mostly for me. Some of the gifts are really pricey - think tickets to shows, posh restaurants, clothes for the children from higher end shops. I have asked her on two occasions to stop buying us things - it is too much. I am not ungrateful by any means but the sheer volume and cost is enormous. Both times she stared crying and went on and on about how it makes her happy, and begged me not to try and stop her. DH thinks she is trying to buy us.
So this Xmas she is with us. DH bought me a gift, I had wanted since I was a teenager. Think decent brand handbag, about £150. Something I never would buy myself but always wanted. He hid it at her house.
DH's aunt then came to me on Xmas Eve when DH was at work. She had wrapped the gift, and written on a tag: From the boys.
She said that I had to open it there are then. That DH had told her to give it to me. I thought it was odd, but thought maybe she had bought me something 'from the boys' and just wanted me to have it. She has form for this.
So I unwrap it. See what it is. Shocked!!! She tells me to call DH and thank him. So I am really confused. I call but he doesn't answer, so I text him.
DH then goes mad!!! He gets really upset. It meant a lot to him to give me that and it cost him money we don't have.
I told the aunt he isn't happy and she says it was a mistake, that she misunderstood when he asked her to bring it to the house and put it under the tree, she had thought she had to give it to me.
DH thinks she has some bonkers agenda and is mad.
I have no idea why she would get it soooo wrong. What do you think? Sorry for the long post!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 12:25

Pictish we are married to the same guyGrin

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 27/12/2014 12:26

She is weird.

i would disengage.

VitalStollenFix · 27/12/2014 12:26

I think that's really sad, tbh. It sounds like she is scared of losing you all and thinks that giving you things will keep you in her life.

Which is insulting too, when you think about it.

You really do need to have a chat with her about it. She can't buy you and she shouldn't try. You are in her life because you want to be.

CinderellaRockefeller · 27/12/2014 12:53

I think she spoiled your dh's perfect gift because it challenged her role in the family as the one who buys the perfect gifts. And whether its because she is desperately lonely and scared that she needs to do everything to ensure your affection by buying it, or she's just a nasty woman who can't bear not to be the top dog, you're going to have to find a equilibrium somewhere.

How often would you see her in a perfect world? Once a week, once a month? Never?

Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 13:44

I am happy to see her once a week, cook her a decent meal, share a bottle of wine with her and have her gone by 10pm when DH is on the early shift and 11-12pm when he is on the late. Presents should be kept to a minimum and no more than some flowers or bottle of wine. The when time allows, maybe some shopping together (girly shopping) or a Sunday lunch - where the bill is split fairly.

We used to have such a laugh with her and I absolutely adored her at one point. It would be nice to get back to that.

OP posts:
KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 27/12/2014 14:44

I think you need to be 'busy' for a month and break the cycle of her visiting.

Even if you have to lie.

Have other family visiting for a week, have gastroenteritis for a week, have a lot going on with the children, then spend a week decorating or something.

Then meet her out in a café. Don't invite her into your home for another couple of weeks. Keep a distance.

I had to do this with a friend who was getting a bit weird and clingy and it did work. You need to be tough though.

And there's nothing wrong with your DH telling her she ruined his surprise and upset him. Although I personally suspect she doesn't care. It's you and the children she's become attached to. Your DH is merely a shadow in the background to her. He's in the way. Poor sod.

pippop1 · 27/12/2014 15:14

Dementia can be things not working because they have been "fiddled" with. The person really doesn't remember that they have done this so they announce that the thing is broken. It's fairly common in the early stages.

diddl · 27/12/2014 15:28

Well she might be lonely scared & buying your company.

doesn't mean that she's not also capable of being nasty/vindictive.

i think that you need if possible a complete break followed by firm boundaries.

the inviting herself either shows that she has no clue socially or that she feels entitled due to what she spends on you.

Re the fixing things-can you recommend a handyman?

or is she trying to check how soon you'll come running?

AMumInScotland · 27/12/2014 17:40

Demetia might explain things not working because she had turned them off and forgotten, but the more I think of it the less it explains the present. If she found it there and didn't remember what it was or why it was there, she might have shown it to you and asked if it was yours. But she obviously knew your DH had bought it as a present for you, so there was no reason for her to go out of her way to get involved in that and spoil things unless it was a deliberate action. Ditto the whisky. It may be anywhere from deliberate and calculating, through to an off-balance idea of how important she ought to be in your life, but either way she needs an attitude adjustment!

I think I'd use the handbag as a (perfectly legitimate) reason for being cool with her for a while. Up to you if you say that openly to her or just have it in the background of your own mind, or keep it in reserve if she challenges why she hasn't seen you for a while. But I think a few weeks of keeping her at a distance would allow you time to decide how to 'reset' the boundaries and get this relationship back to something that you and DH can both be ok about.

Personally, I hate leaving things unsaid, so I'd have it out with her, and actually say that I felt she had overstepped important boundaries and I didn't feel we could continue as things had been recently, because I was unhappy about how intense her attitude towards us had become. If that led to her accepting a degree of responsibility then that would give room for making it a once-a-week kind of thing again. On the other hand if she took a massive huff and stormed off, well, that would be her choice and better now than later.

AMumInScotland · 27/12/2014 17:41

Oh and fixing things - my DM has a thing with British Gas HomeCare where they will come and sort electrics, plumbing, all sorts, as well as the central heating. If she's ok for cash, tha might be an option to suggest.

Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 19:01

DH hasn't said anything to her yet. We had other family as well and we didn't want to cause an argument and ruin everyone's day, so he is going to go round and speak to her tomorrow. She approached me late Christmas Day and said they had spoken and DH is fine with her and had hugged her and reassured her all is okay. Just mentioned this to DH who denies this completely. He says they haven't spoken about it once. He avoided being on his own with her Xmas day, as he thought he would say something.
So she is making that up too Hmm

OP posts:
divingoffthebalcony · 27/12/2014 19:11

Totally agree with joffrey's posts.

This doesn't sound like dementia (and I have a relative with dementia so am more than familiar with how it tends to manifest).

She wants you at her beck and call. I expect she's lonely, but guilt tripping and manipulating and lying and trying to buy your affection (and then crying when you ask her to stop) is too much.

She's not elderly, and needs to look for other ways of finding companionship. There must be clubs and day centres for retirees where she might find friends?

This will all explode if it's allowed to carry on. You will grow to resent her ever-increasing demands (quite understandably) and the fall out won't be pretty.

Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 19:15

We'll see how tomorrow goes. DH is determined to have it out with her...

OP posts:
Humansatnav · 27/12/2014 19:15

Hmmm, I have experience with dementia, both professionally and personally.
Different types of dementia can present as challenging personality traits.
Worth keeping in mind, with the other behaviours ( household items needing " fixing " when she has been fiddling with them).

FuckinUnderTheChristmasTree · 27/12/2014 19:22

She sounds exactly like my mother. Everything right down to the present buying, I started to feel like there were 3 people in my marriage. Xmas Hmm In the end cutting contact was the only way, she couldn't or rather wouldn't listen so it had to be completely cutting her out. I do hope it doesn't take that for you to get through to DH's aunt.

usefully · 27/12/2014 19:25

God I feel so sorry for these women.

Having no family in mid life must be so lonely and limiting, and frany a bit scary when you think about the future.

So you find some extended family, treat their kids like you would treat grandkids, spoil them a little with gifts.... and then they cut you off.

Awful.

WooWooOwl · 27/12/2014 19:26

I can't help but feel sorry for someone that is so separate for some family that she will go to crazy lengths to be involved in every single thing.

What I don't understand is how she can't see that she's just going to drive you all away.

Grief does funny things to people, and living without her husband is probably hard for her. She does have to work on controlling the crazy so I think your DH is right to have it out with her, but it's sad because she might be someone completely different and much more easy going if her DH hadn't died.

divingoffthebalcony · 27/12/2014 19:28

So Gerty and her family aren't entitled to their own separate lives and a bit of freedom, usefully? I think 2-3 visits a week, all holidays and Christmases is quite a lot, myself.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 27/12/2014 19:35

If she's telling you lies about your DH then ditch her entirely.

Slippery slope. Get out.

Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 19:39

Usefully - spoiling peoples kids with gifts does not give you the right to act in anyway you like!!!!

She was an amazing, vibrant woman before her husband died. We would love some glimmer of that person to return. I completely agree that this is the grief and the loneliness that is causing this behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertyD · 27/12/2014 19:42

Our home has always been open to her, always. It would have been without any gifts. We see her as much as she wants - unless we have genuine other plans that she can't tag along to. I have held her at night whilst she cried.

From our perspective, there is no reason that she should feel the need to buy her way, as we are always there regardless.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 28/12/2014 14:19

usefully I get what you're saying, but I think this woman's behaviour oversteps that mark by a very long way. This woman is lying to the OP about something important to her relationship with her husband. If anyone wrapped my DHs present to me and manipulated me into opening it and phoning him to tell him so, I would have lost the plot with her completely. That is not an acceptable way to behave.

Most people aren't saying 'cut her off' they are saying 'establish firm boundaries' so that the relationship can be adjusted to something a lot more healthy and 'normal' on both sides.

Fluffyears · 28/12/2014 17:51

Mil calls up to say heating is broken we go round as she's crying...heating is on. 'Oh yeah I just turned thermostat up' her tv is stuck, 'she has taken batteries out if remote!' She does it just to have is visit and at beck and call. I'd have more sympathy if she admitted she was bloody lonely. She doesn't understand a 40 minute drive isn't free or in general that we pay to run a car when she wants lifts here, there and everywhere. I think your aunt is similar she's linely and wants validation thay she Is important enough for you to drop things and trek over.

onesister · 28/12/2014 18:15

Nothing much to add to the debate but taken aback by 'Usefuls" comment
"Having no family in mid life must be so lonely and limiting, and frany a bit scary when you think about the future."
I can assure you that I'm not lonely, my life is not limited (far from it) and the future is as scary for me as for all of us when we consider how the difficulties that often come with old age will be dealt with. I have known many people with families who have been abandoned when old or become dependant because of disability.

CeCeLaine · 29/12/2014 11:47

So you find some extended family, treat their kids like you would treat grandkids, spoil them a little with gifts.... and then they cut you off

So its ok for the aunt to continue to lie, be manipulative, calculating and overbearing just because she is lonely???
The OP has stated she just wants the aunt to back off a bit and have the relationship on their terms rather than have the aunt totally controlling every aspect of their lives. No where has she said she wants to cut the aunt out of their lives completely. They can have a happy relationship without the aunt being a constant in their every day lives.

Should the op and her family put up with it just because the aunt is buying their time and love?

Op like others have said you need to reset the boundary's, discuss this with your dh on how to move forward but be prepared for tears and tantrums should the aunt feel like she has lost control. (which ultimately she has as you are taking it back)
Situations like this are never easy to deal with, but it is a must in your case, as aunt will I fear eventually try to drive a wedge between you and your dh should this continue.

Hope you manage to get this sorted, with minimal upset all round.