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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset I haven't received a proposal for Christmas?

35 replies

Eminybob · 27/12/2014 04:19

Back story - DP and I have been together for 10 + years on and off. We were engaged (I proposed) 7 years ago but split shortly after, after I drunkedly cheated (I know, I know no lectures please) I gave the ring back, but he forgave me, we got back together and have been working hard on our relationship ever since.

Last year we bought our first house together, and this year we have had our first DC, who was planned and much wanted.

Although the engagement ring is still knocking about the house it never really occurred to us to think about getting married as we wanted to save our money for the house and then the baby, but assumed we would get married at some point (hence giving DS DP's surname)

Anyway, we were on holiday last month and the subject came up, I said I would like to have the same surname as my son (and obviously all the other reasons to get married) he said he has wanted to give the ring back but didn't at first due to (understandable) trust issues, then later after he'd gotten over that didn't want to get engaged until we could afford a nice wedding. I said I'm not fussed about the wedding, it's the marriage I want, we have everything else, we love each other very much.

However it hasn't been mentioned since we came back from holiday. I was kind of expecting him to propose at Christmas, and give me the ring back, but alas no. I have just had the slippers and dressing gown I asked for (we agreed to keep gifts small as I'm on mat leave)

I'm gutted. He's not the most romantic of people so I wasn't expecting a big gesture, but just for him to give me the ring.

I can't understand what his reluctance to get married is, as if he had commitment issues or still didn't trust me then surely he wouldn't have bought the house and had a baby with me? I have asked him btw as we have talked about it in the past as well as on holiday and his excuse is always that we can't afford it. But I'd be happy with a registry office and a pub lunch!

Aibu to be really upset? And what do you think the real issue is here?

OP posts:
MrsMarcJacobs · 27/12/2014 04:34

Perhaps it's that the last proposal is a memory for him of when everything went wrong and he doesn't want to ruin the happiness?

MrsMarcJacobs · 27/12/2014 04:34

Not saying that would happen again but more that maybe he has negative feelings associated with it?

MrsMarcJacobs · 27/12/2014 04:36

Would a different ring help as it may be symbolic of a time when your relationship had a glitch?

Original poster
Eminybob · 27/12/2014 04:59

I didn't think of that. Maybe you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 27/12/2014 05:05

I suppose the ring thing is his call isn't it? It doesn't have to be the original one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 27/12/2014 05:07

In fact I don't need a ring at all, just the commitment to getting married!

OP posts:
bodiddly · 27/12/2014 05:50

Perhaps he is planning to surprise you on New Year's Eve?

TerrorAustralis · 27/12/2014 06:01

Are you sure he wants to get married? You proposed the first time and you have brought it up again. From what you have described, he doesn't seem enthusiastic about getting married and it seems that he may never propose.

Not being able to afford a wedding sounds like an excuse.

Archduke · 27/12/2014 06:12

Ask him.

Archduke · 27/12/2014 06:13

Not to marry you - but ask what he wants. Does he want to get married? Is he happy how things are? Deep down is he still hurt?? Only he can tell you.

Original poster
Eminybob · 27/12/2014 06:26

I have asked him, we have discussed it at length. He says he does want to marry me but says he wants to do it right, ie expensively!

I don't think that's the issue though and I do think that deep down, yeah maybe he doesn't want to marry me. Because if we wait until we have the money it will never happen now we have DS and have talked about number 2.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 27/12/2014 08:09

So, he says wants to get married and so do you. Great. Doesn't that mean you are engaged?

He wants to spend lots of money you do not have to "do the wedding properly". Why is thus more important than making a commitment to one another? And why is the type of wedding up to him rather than a joint decision?

TBH he is giving out strong signals that he does not want to get married. Is this actually that important to you both?

LadyMaryofDownton · 27/12/2014 08:15

Sorry but it sounds to me like he's putting it off. You've been together a long time & already have other commitments, Marriage is the next stage but he's not ready for whatever reason. You seem to both be a different stages, you want it all now he's not bothered.

Don't nag him or propose to him, he needs to want to marry you & show it. You only talked about it a month ago which isn't that long ago, wait a few months talk about it again & judge it from that.

All the best

CassieBearRawr · 27/12/2014 08:22

YABU.

You have both agreed to get married at some point, you are now engaged. You don't need an actual proposal, but to talk to him about when this wedding is going to take place.

You may have to accept he doesn't want to get married. What will you do then?

saoirse31 · 27/12/2014 08:24

First I'd make sure legally you're covered in regard to house etc. Secondly I think you need to decide if it's a make or break issue for you. and in fairness it may be a similar issue for him. If it is that important to you I would try and reach a conclusion tho, nothing worse than yrs of simmering resentment.

Gawjushun · 27/12/2014 08:25

Hmm, frankly it doesn't sound like he wants to get married as much as he says. Yes, the cheating was terrible, but that was a long time ago, and it sounds like you've both moved on with your lives nicely. Unless he's planning to propose on New Years then I say you're going to be waiting a long, long time. Perhaps you need to think about whether you're willing to sacrifice being married in order to stay with this guy.

IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool · 27/12/2014 08:32

A proposal is for life, not just for Christmas! (Sorry). Do you even need a proposal? It seems a bit redundant now, and he's not the romantic type. Why not either find the ring, and have a convo about would he like to keep it and propose, or since we've agreed about it shall I just put it on now. Or ask him if you should sell it and buy another. It really is the relationship that matters, not the question that you have both effectively already answered with a yes! x

Original poster
Eminybob · 27/12/2014 08:58

I think that a lot of you have said what I have suspected - he just doesn't want to get married. It's not make or break for me, I love him and our family and our life. It just would have been nice to make it "official"

I can't see it happening at new year, we are having his DB and SIL round and he is definitely not the type to do it with an audience!

We will see. As for already being engaged, kind of, I just don't see the point of putting the ring back on etc if we are not going to set a date, which I can't see happening any time soon. Friends have said just go and get the ring and put it on! But I want him to really want to give it back so that's not going to happen.

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
elephantspoo · 27/12/2014 09:02

I think expecting him to propose is very unreasonable. He is clearly content with the way things are. There is also a definite trust issue, as you have demonstrated the ability to stray. I wish you every luck in the future, but if I were you, and you really want to be with DP, I would content myself with what you have and not worry about formalising the contract. For some people, trust is the absolute prerequisite minimum for a happy marriage. If it was destroyed, it can take forever for it to be earned again.

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 09:05

I also think bad memories are associated with the first engagement....maybe he uses the cost as an excuse?

I wouldn't worry if he doesn't use an 'occasion' such as Christmas or new year etc to propose. It's quite normal to not want to do that.

Speak to him re the cost thing and let him know you are happy with what you stated....

You have house ....dc

Like many men ....and women....he may see it as unimportant now.

GoodKingQuintless · 27/12/2014 09:08

He won't marry you because he doesn't have to. He has your commitment, house and baby already. He had all this without marriage. Not sure why you went ahead tying yourself to him with house purchase and procreation, without any commitment from him and legal security for yourself and your child?

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 09:13

We are not married Op....I would literally have liked the two of us to do it and just announce and have a nice pub lunch type of thing also. My Dp is for his own reasons never going to get married.

We have a co habitation type agreement drawn up by a solicitor which deals with all the financial and legal areas associated with a marriage.

OddBoots · 27/12/2014 09:16

Skip the engagement bit, you've done that before and it doesn't hold good memories. Just discuss with him the fact you've both decided to get married so you can start planning the wedding, decide a venue, set a date (or at least a month so you can see what dates the venue has) and go from there.

sooperdooper · 27/12/2014 09:19

I don't see why you need a proposal as such.

If he doesn't bring it up again then in the new year I'd talk again and explain again you don't want or need a big expensive day and discuss setting a date - expecting a flashy Christmas proposal doesn't sound like his style

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2014 09:25

It may not seem to be important now but if anything were to happen then it or rather its absence would be very important. Is the house in joint names? Do you have mutual wills? Are you nominated beneficiaries for each other's pensions & death in service benefit?

If your DP isn't prepared to either get married or make the above agreements then IMO you have your answer that this relationship is for now not necessarily for ever and you need to plan accordingly.

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