To be upset I haven't received a proposal for Christmas?

[Eminybob]

Back story - DP and I have been together for 10 + years on and off. We were engaged (I proposed) 7 years ago but split shortly after, after I drunkedly cheated (I know, I know no lectures please) I gave the ring back, but he forgave me, we got back together and have been working hard on our relationship ever since.

Last year we bought our first house together, and this year we have had our first DC, who was planned and much wanted.

Although the engagement ring is still knocking about the house it never really occurred to us to think about getting married as we wanted to save our money for the house and then the baby, but assumed we would get married at some point (hence giving DS DP's surname)

Anyway, we were on holiday last month and the subject came up, I said I would like to have the same surname as my son (and obviously all the other reasons to get married) he said he has wanted to give the ring back but didn't at first due to (understandable) trust issues, then later after he'd gotten over that didn't want to get engaged until we could afford a nice wedding. I said I'm not fussed about the wedding, it's the marriage I want, we have everything else, we love each other very much.

However it hasn't been mentioned since we came back from holiday. I was kind of expecting him to propose at Christmas, and give me the ring back, but alas no. I have just had the slippers and dressing gown I asked for (we agreed to keep gifts small as I'm on mat leave)

I'm gutted. He's not the most romantic of people so I wasn't expecting a big gesture, but just for him to give me the ring.

I can't understand what his reluctance to get married is, as if he had commitment issues or still didn't trust me then surely he wouldn't have bought the house and had a baby with me? I have asked him btw as we have talked about it in the past as well as on holiday and his excuse is always that we can't afford it. But I'd be happy with a registry office and a pub lunch!

Aibu to be really upset? And what do you think the real issue is here?

You want to get married very much. It's high on your list of priorities. It sounds to me more as if he doesn't mind getting married, but it's low priority for him. That's fair enough.

There must be some room for compromise here. He says he'd want a proper wedding with all the trimmings. You'd be happy with something low-key. Again, fair enough. You're different people.

But couldn't you meet in the middle? Work out how much a medium sized wedding would cost. Relatively small at a modest venue, perhaps just a service/registry office, but something afterwards that would make it feel like a bit of an occasion. Discuss it with him and work out how long it'd take you to save up for it. Then set a date.

You don't have to have a stagey proposal. I agree with pps that the last time will be on his mind. It could cast a long shadow. I'd change the ring, too.

It does sound like he doesn't want to get married and is making excuses.

You might have to accept that your past betrayal may have tainted the idea of marriage for him but he needs to be honest because whether you marry or not, honesty should be a tenant of your relationship.

Yes sorry I don't think he wants to marry you and I really don't think you should just put the ring on! Bloody hell!

You need to think about why marriage is so important to you and whether its important enough to upset the status quo, or just forget about it and maybe get a legal agreement as a pp had instead.

Maybe he doesn't want to propose for christmas, maybe he will find another special time or place to do it when you least expect

Why don't you propose to him?

A marriage is not a wedding, and a wedding is not a marriage.

If you both want to be married, you can do it next month and have change from a hundred quid.

Not having money for a fancy wedding is not a valid excuse reason for not being married. The only valid reason is not wanting to be.

The fact that you had to do the proposing the first time doesn't suggest that this is something he wants to do. Even before you strayed he still wasn't fussed, you had to press it. And now he's using the excuse of, "I want to do it properly", but not taking steps towards saving for it or making any plans. From an outsider's point of view, he doesn't want to get married.

You hear the "I want to do it properly" excuse trotted out more and more these days. The huge rise in costs for the average wedding has really played right into the hands of men who don't want to change the status quo but are also unprepared to have a frank discussion with their partner.

I would keep it on the table for discussion. You have a child and would be more secure married. If he didn't trust you, why would he have a child with you and be planning another? He forgave you, you moved on.

Ask him when he was thinking of giving you the ring back. Definitely put plans for another baby on hold until you're married.

Close the deal.

I had to make DH marry me and he never stops telling me how grateful he is.

Chaseface we do know the circumstances of the first child's conception. Well, not what music was playing but the OP says "this year we have had our first DC, who was planned and much wanted". Other than that I agree, a baby is often not a commitment to the other person. Which is why the OP should get married.