AIBU to think that, if I've not got better yet, I'm probably not going to?

[onestepforwardtwentystepsback]

Long story short: had a late miscarriage nearly a year ago with an unplanned and controversial (but eventually welcomed) pregnancy. Had a bit of a breakdown but got superficially on track, with some pills, the support of my GP and boss, some counselling and time off work. I wasn't really sorted though and decided that getting pregnant again was the only answer to end the depression and feeling that life was pointless if I didn't have another baby. My teenage son is the centre of my world normally but the loss of that baby threw me massively. Got pregnant again in November but had an early miscarriage/ chemical pregnancy.

Since then, I have gone between realising that I have to sort myself out, my precarious relationship out and make a rational decision about where next and just wishing I was dead so that I don't have to keep trying and trying when nothing seems to work on a wider basis that just a moment or a day.

The counselling wasn't massively helpful because I wouldn't talk about the miscarriage and she didn't think it was helpful to force me. So I just whinged about how shit life was each week. I started CBT recently and that sort of helps but I only have 2 sessions left. I have pushed away most of my friends and I find other people and their happiness (and babies/ pregnancies) really hard to cope with.

I do have a couple of great friends left who've refused to be pushed away who I talk to, and my GP has been great, but they just keep telling me it will all improve and I think 'yeah, but it's been nearly a year and I still wish I was dead, so I don't think I can believe you'.

This week, my GP told me she was pregnant and said she'd understand if I wanted to see one of the other GPs. Sounds really stupid but it really upset me because I could tell she'd been dreading telling me as I see her each fortnight and she's been a real support. It made me realise how bad things are that people can see how badly damaged I still am by all this. She must think I'm a bit pathetic, though she doesn't show it. Friends who are pregnant are the same - I've just become this miserable person who's stuck in the past.

How can I believe that life will get better when the evidence suggests otherwise? Can life improve even if I don't have another baby? If I try and get pregnant again, what if I'm still not well and end up depressed and pregnant and can't cope?

It's all such a mess.

If anyone is expecting you to "get over it", the issue is theirs, not yours. This was the loss of a child, a part of you, and a part of the future you saw for yourself.

It was not a fucking kidney stone!

Please see if you can access some sort of additional support or counselling, either with a professional counsellor, or via a group specifically for bereaved parents.

I lost a beautiful little girl just over 15 years ago - while I am selective about who I share this with, it is very much a part of me. The anniversaries of her birth and death are both hard for me, but I can honestly say that I get the greatest support from those who have walked the same path.

I am so sorry for your loss - and while it may not be so consuming in the future, do not let anyone tell you that you have to get over it.

Well, I had 2 weeks off and reached a very low point. Ended up being totally honest with my GP for once and got referred to a crisis team. Assessor felt I need longer for meds to work and more intensive therapy. Feel like it's all though as now there are concerns about me being able to look after my son on my own - was clearly too honest about how crap I feel. Doesn't make me feel inclined to do it again. Back at work last week and it was ok. Reduced hours made it manageable anyway. Just feel there is a need to be careful now. My son's dad is living with us to help since GP first raised her concerns with me about looking after my son alone but I want my house/ life back and won't happen if GP is worried that I can't look after my son. So, having felt like I'd got to my lowest point and being able to be totally honest because of that, I've made things worse :(

But then lying looks bad, maybe worse, if she guesses. Don't know what is best.

:(

It's so important that you're honest with the health professionals. They need to know how you are feeling to give you the most appropriate support and treatment.

The SAD lamps? Hadn't thought of that - might be a help, actually. Thanks. Should have caught the sales, but never mind.

Re: honesty - I need to strike a balance. My true feelings are clearly horrifying to others so need to be toned down.

Really struggling still. GP still wants me to keep my ex here to help out. Feeling stifled. Flip between being determined to pretend that things are fine, to get my life back, and thinking that being honest is the only way to possibly get help. Tis all crap.

And now boss is piling on the pressure. Union helpful but it's too much. Can't see how everything is going to work out.

Aibu to think my problems are clearly boring and that nobody gives a fuck? No? Ok. I'll piss off then.

I just typed a reply and it has disappeared - you can tell i don't post very often .

Onestep - people get so caught up in their own lives that it can often seem like they have stopped caring about the terrible time you are having . And i know how wearing it can be to contantly have to reach out to people for help and support - it makes you feel even more of a failure and burden .

However - your good friends and GP WILL NOT be viewing you as such . They do still care for you . They do still want to help .

I wish i had more advice to give but i am out of my depth here , but i am thinking of you.

Your problems aren't boring and people do give a fuck.

Sorry you are in this awful stage in your life. What is happening with the CBT/extra therapy? Are your meds right yet, are they helping? Can you get signed off work completely? I think you should

And for what it's worth I think when you ask do you soldier on or be honest about the way you feel...the latter. And trust me I'm quite the trooper kind usually. You can't manage the way you feel, you can't control it and you can't hide it - it's spilling out all over the place. Take whatever help and support you can get. Remember it's only been a year and a half (is that right?) that is no time and you will look back at all this as just a dreadful, low phase in your life. But you have to allow yourself healing - you pushing it all under is not working.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I had a miscarriage at four months and it was heartwrenching, I've also had early miscarriages.

As far as work goes, it may well be worth getting signed off to give you some head space. Everyone is different but, personally, I had a good three months off after because I needed the downtime. If your fit note states that it is related to your miscarriages then your sickness is protected because it's classed as pregnancy related (probably not a term you want to hear in the circumstances but that's the name of it). Because of this it usually can't be counted towards any disciplinary procedures, unless there are other issues, so your employer can try and encourage you back to work and support your return but they normally can't take action against you for it.

If you want your ex out of your house then ask him to go. To ease any concerns your GP has you could do it gradually, for example have him go out for a few hours each day and build it up from there or have him there during the day but go home once your DS is in bed then build it up to him going home earlier and earlier.

It took me a while and I felt broken for a long time but it does eventually become less raw and you find a way to live with it. It won't be overnight and some days will be harder than others but you'll eventually get back on track, even if it's not the track you were originally on x