AIBU to think that, if I've not got better yet, I'm probably not going to?

[onestepforwardtwentystepsback]

Long story short: had a late miscarriage nearly a year ago with an unplanned and controversial (but eventually welcomed) pregnancy. Had a bit of a breakdown but got superficially on track, with some pills, the support of my GP and boss, some counselling and time off work. I wasn't really sorted though and decided that getting pregnant again was the only answer to end the depression and feeling that life was pointless if I didn't have another baby. My teenage son is the centre of my world normally but the loss of that baby threw me massively. Got pregnant again in November but had an early miscarriage/ chemical pregnancy.

Since then, I have gone between realising that I have to sort myself out, my precarious relationship out and make a rational decision about where next and just wishing I was dead so that I don't have to keep trying and trying when nothing seems to work on a wider basis that just a moment or a day.

The counselling wasn't massively helpful because I wouldn't talk about the miscarriage and she didn't think it was helpful to force me. So I just whinged about how shit life was each week. I started CBT recently and that sort of helps but I only have 2 sessions left. I have pushed away most of my friends and I find other people and their happiness (and babies/ pregnancies) really hard to cope with.

I do have a couple of great friends left who've refused to be pushed away who I talk to, and my GP has been great, but they just keep telling me it will all improve and I think 'yeah, but it's been nearly a year and I still wish I was dead, so I don't think I can believe you'.

This week, my GP told me she was pregnant and said she'd understand if I wanted to see one of the other GPs. Sounds really stupid but it really upset me because I could tell she'd been dreading telling me as I see her each fortnight and she's been a real support. It made me realise how bad things are that people can see how badly damaged I still am by all this. She must think I'm a bit pathetic, though she doesn't show it. Friends who are pregnant are the same - I've just become this miserable person who's stuck in the past.

How can I believe that life will get better when the evidence suggests otherwise? Can life improve even if I don't have another baby? If I try and get pregnant again, what if I'm still not well and end up depressed and pregnant and can't cope?

It's all such a mess.

I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I don't have much in the way of expert advice to give you but all I can say is I don't think a year is very much time at all in bereavement, especially since you have pretty much been forced back to work full time.

I wonder if your GP would write a letter asking for your CBT sessions to be extended. She could say that you are showing definite signs of improved functioning (e.g. working almost full time) and have built a good relationship with the therapist/been committed to the therapy, but the normal number of sessions has not been adequate despite the support of antidepressants which you are taking consistently etc etc. She should know the buzz words.

TBH I can't quite believe you are only now getting onto a dose of 40 - if you've been on tiny doses of everything no wonder they didn't have much impact? But it must have taken a while to build up and go down again on each one.

I was on 60mg of Cymbalta/ duloxetine for a bit. Then I had to switch because of being pregnant. Then, when I wasn't pregnant anymore, I started on a low dose of the new fluoxetine and now it's increased.

From a medical point of view your hormones are all over the place and your anti-depressant was not really high enough for severe depression. Both of these are a perfect storm to making you feel really ghastly.

From a therapeutic point of view I think you need to talk through the miscarriage as painful as it is I think you need to off load this. My friend suffered a very traumatic miscarriage and she told me the details of this. It was hard and we both cried but sharing that pain helped her move forward. Post traumatic stress is debilitating and actually you are behaving very normally to an awful situation. Your therapist will not pity you they will completely empathise with your situation.

It makes me cry just thinking about it. Physically talking about it would break me, assuming I could even get words out.

How much is a normal dose for an anti-depressant, then? I just take what I'm told to take.

I normal dose of your anti depressant is 20mg but 40mg is a high dose but will help give you a lift to help you manage better.
Hopefully.
I know it's unbearable to think or talk about it but it's like the elephant in the room. In a safe secure environment of a therapists office you can talk about it and they will help you process your feelings. There is nothing wrong with crying in fact I'm a great believer in this. I've not been through your particular experience but I lost my mum in traumatic for me circumstances. I couldn't talk about it for ages but being able to share my feelings with somebody I trustedhelped and I can talk about it without getting upset now. I think I had Post traumatic stress disorder and I wouldn't be surprised if this is happening to you.
My heart goes out to you you have really had it hard. You will never get over it but you can learn to be happy again. It isn't always going to be this painful. It seems all consuming now but you'll get to point where you have 10 minutes when you've not thought about it, then an hour, then a morning
Etc. It's a cliche but you need to give yourself time to grieve.

Part of the problem is that word grieve. I don't feel that I have the right to grieve when I did initially consider abortion and helped to cause what happened with my unhealthiness.

The counsellor that I used to see and a friend have both mentioned PTSD. Is the treatment of that any different than for depression?

Finally opened some post today from last week. My re-scheduled psychiatrist appointment is in February. Speedy...

Maybe I'm odd, but actually I think it's actually very responsible to consider (even briefly) a termination in any unplanned pregnancy. Considering it isn't the same thing as going ahead with it. But it's important to think about all the possible outcomes (that you can control). Of course you have the right to grieve. Even if you'd chosen to have a termination you would still have the right to grieve. It sounds like you're being very hard on yourself, and I don't think you deserve that.

I am hard on myself. I try not to be. But I know I could/ should have handled it all differently and that hurts.

Progress: saw my friend's baby today and managed not to cry. A first.

Good to hear that onestep.

onestep - there is nothing pathetic about your situation.

I have a friend who never wanted children, but suddenly and accidentally in her early 40s she fell pg. Sadly for her it resulted in a very early MC; in fact the docs she saw at A&E when she started heavy bleeding doubted that she had actually been pg, despite her having 3 positive pg tests. But - that short space of time that she was pg, realistically only 3-4 weeks, was enough to seriously mess with her head, and it was well over a year before she reached any form of equanimity again.

A pg loss is a big thing, even if you weren't planning on it or really wanted it (as per my friend); and it is not to be underestimated. I'm glad the CBT helped you more than the counselling but I do think you need to continue with some form of counselling, until you can get to the root of why you're still feeling as bad as you do. It could be all sorts of things, but you need to allow yourself to explore the reasons to truly come to terms with how you are feeling.

Look at it like this - you've had a massive fuck-off wound, it's been covered with a dressing. It's not healing properly but you don't want to take the dressing off because you're scared of what you'll find underneath it. Thing is though, that you have to take that dressing off and clean the wound to help it heal, otherwise it's likely to fester and even become gangrenous. You need to take the lid off your feelings over this to let them out and clear things.

I hope something I've said helps, but mostly I just think you do need to be kinder to yourself and allow yourself to grieve more, and get more help xx

Thumbnuts, that analogy makes loads of sense, actually. Why is it so much easier to apply stuff to physical than mental things? It does make sense, that what I'm currently doing is NOT making so much sense, when you look at it like that. Thank you. I just need to DO what I need to, and that takes energy and belief.

The 40mg has made me feel sick and tired. Can't decide whether to go back to 20. Seeing doctor later in the week. Haven't been able to face work. Amazing that I'm already failing 2015 :(

onestep you're not failing, you are having an emotional response that is normal and expected, your hormones will also be all over the place.
I had a miscarriage just about 4 months in, so nothing as traumatic as you've been through. I know, Feb 14th, that it will be 18 years ago and in September my 1st child would have been 18. I will smile & get on with my day, because I've had 18 years to get over it, but I will remember.
You haven't had this time, you are still in the early stages of grief & physically your body is still recovering.
If you're not doing better with the medication, do go back to your Dr, they will want to see you.
You have been through such a lot & are such a strong, true lady to try to carry on. Please be kind to yourself and take the time you need & deserve.
Big (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for your kind words. It feels like failure because I basically can't get out of bed or stop crying and things haven't been like this to this extent for a while. Seeing GP tomorrow.

Hope you're OK onestep

I am ok, thanks. Got out of bed today to see the GP. That felt like an achievement in itself. She wouldn't give me any more sleeping tablets but I can sort of see why. There's a plan re: getting some different therapy so I guess that's progress.

I think the biggest thing for me in understanding my mental health problems was that part of the mental health problem is the way you view your mental health. So for me I have anxiety and a facet of anxiety is thinking the worst. However, I only really realised about 4 months ago that this may mean I view my anxiety as 'never getting better' in a skewed way because of my anxiety

I found CBT made me a much more balanced thinker. I used to be a very rigid thinker like you - if I am no better after 6 months I won't get better, full stop case closed. But actually you're grieving and as time goes on it gets MORE likely you'll get better not less. What really helped was a therapist telling me there was no "point of no return" and no amount of time that could pass by which time I would be a lost cause. That really, really helped.

Other things that helped are realising your thoughts aren't always facts. In fact mine hardly ever are They can be incorrect - ESPECIALLY more likely to be so if you find they have an upsetting emotional effect on you.

There is hope, of course there is. Everyone with mental health problems thinks THEY'RE the one who is beyond help and will never be normal again. I would say stop trying to 'figure out' why the (at first unwanted) pregnancy made you so miserable when you miscarried, and just look at moving on from here. I used to try and figure out my anxiety and I could have taken the rest of my life to do that because it was SO irrational and I found it fascinating in some ways, but it's better to say: ok, I'm here, what can I do to be there? You do not have to feel this way - what did you used to enjoy doing that you've stopped? What made you happy before all this happened to you?

One step, getting up & out to the doctors is a major achievement.
Just 100 years ago, society would demand a period of mourning & seclusion. Today we try to get up & about far too soon.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time that you need.
Sending ((((((hugs)))))) keep going -x-

The stuff that used to make me happy was my son, my friends and my social life. My son now brings guilt and tiredness, because I feel I'm a shadow of the mum I once was and he wears me out. Some friends have not been able to cope with this, or I've pushed them away. My closest friend has given up on me totally. As a consequence, social life is very limited - and I'm too tired anyway. Holidays in sunny places work but obviously that's a limited resource.

I am trying to keep going but it's all gone very wrong since New Year. I wish I had more sleeping tablets so I could sleep away the panic I feel about not being in work and being in such a scary place. Don't think GP will give them again though. If I could be arsed to get out running, it will make me tired so that is a goal for next week. I do like the CBT and have my first appointment for a few weeks next week so keeping fingers crossed that she'll have some ideas.

I just don't feel able to go to anyone anymore. I don't have a good relationship with my family, never have. Best mate is gone, having told me he'd stick with me and to trust him. Other friends get scared when I'm too honest and then I feel needy and pathetic. I feel like I've lost so much that can't be got back, not least my self-respect and my trust in people. That sounds dramatic but it's how I feel.

And needy on the internet is a new level of patheticness so I'm going now. Thanks to those who replied and helped.

Nothing wrong with being needy on the internet.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's good to hang on to the fact that there's not a trajectory by which you'll get better and then a point at which you'll be cured or not cured. When big events happen, they become part of us. That doesn't mean we're tainted or broken, just that they have to be accomodated. I'm sure your ability to live with what's happened will grow, but it's not going to be consistent or happen within certain boundaries. Maybe you could try scoring your days and over the next six months see if you're managing to get more good days. That would be progress, but it's not going to be an even upwards trend.

I'd mainly say that you need to avoid almost driving yourself out of work by seeing yourself as too damaged to do it. You can do it, though sometimes you'll do it less well, just as we all do. Don't let your boss drive you even more into all or nothing thinking.