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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to leave ds, 8 days old, to cry?

76 replies

ACardiganForCat · 25/12/2014 21:11

He wants to sleep on me or on boob all night. Parental advice is to shut the door and leave him to cry, he will stop eventually. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ACardiganForCat · 25/12/2014 21:41

My bro and I were born early and mid 80s so my mum isn't totally ancient!

OP posts:
Katinkka · 25/12/2014 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

happylittlevegemites · 25/12/2014 21:47

This stage is hard. People judging/butting in makes it worse!

DC2 is 7 weeks old. It's easier this time round as I don't give a flying fuck what my mother anyone lose thinks about co/sleeping and slings.

Solasum · 25/12/2014 21:50

Awww. 8 days! Cuddle him all you can. You will never get these days of tininess back, I know it is hard right now, but when you look back a few months down the line you will remember the cuddles but not the exhaustion. very jealous as my toddler is too active to be really cuddly anymore

ChristmasDawndonnaagain · 25/12/2014 21:53

It's hard and you're knackered, but he's your baby, not your mother's child. Go with what you want, feed and feel comfortable. Give it a few days and the gap between feeds will get longer. You're doing fine as you are.

livingzuid · 25/12/2014 21:53

My DM was reminded by my stepdad that I was the parent not her and she needed to butt out. Sounds like your mother could do with the same advice. If you decide to parent this way it is entirely your choice to do so and she should respect that.

You are all just getting to know each other as a family and that takes time. It will work out fine. Sorry your mother is making you feel bad, but the best advice is to ignore her and everyone else and carry on the way you want to, enjoying your newborn at the same time :)

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 25/12/2014 21:54

Don't listen to your Mum.

Her advice is unreliable.

Whoever said people forget are right. I have no idea what I did now with babies because I've forgotten. Your Mum's forgotten as well, she's probably remembering that she left you at 18 months and it's all morphed into the first 5 years. She's forgotten that she didn't leave you to cry at 8 days and if she did, it was a crap fashion.

hauntedhenry · 25/12/2014 21:57

Don't leave him to cry, OP. Your Mum has forgotten what it's like to have a newborn, I think a lot of people do (probably the sleep deprivation!) It's hard work, but some newborns just won't sleep anywhere else. The newborn stage doesn't last long - you will survive. Try to enjoy the snuggles Flowers

TalesOfTheCity · 25/12/2014 21:57

He's only a newborn. He needs to be near you all the time. If you leave him and he stops crying it will only be through the exhaustion and fear and stress. Even people who advise sleep training say from 6 months. I know it is hard, but the idea of a 8 day old being left to cry is extremely distressing.

AshesOfRoses · 25/12/2014 22:00

My babies are seven years apart and parenting theories and books came and went during that time, but they both wanted to sleep upside down on my stomach for the first few weeks and to BF constantly.

Supply and demand with BF is the most amazing thing. The more you give out, the more you get in. If only my bank account worked like that!

DC is very young still. You'll get into a groove where latching on is automatic and you'll get some sleep. Good luck Smile

Salmotrutta · 25/12/2014 22:02

Dipankrispaneven- hey, my babies were born in the 80s too!

That was my point - we were told one thing, then it changed, then it changed again ... Etc.

My point was this- trust your gut

Salmotrutta · 25/12/2014 22:03

Or even trust your gut

calilark · 25/12/2014 22:10

no, 8 days ago he was still inside you. He needs you, that is why he is crying. Don't leave him!

It can be relentless with a newborn, and so very hard to not be brought down by helpful advice from others. Just snuggle up and nest while you both find your way together

Artus · 25/12/2014 22:24

Another person chiming in to say that in the 1980s we were definitely not advised to leave 8 day old babies to cry alone.

Plateofcrumbs · 25/12/2014 22:38

I was here just a few short months ago and I do already miss snuggling my tiny newborn, although at the time I was having a nightmare establishing BFing and panicked about co-sleeping.

On BFing - I wish I'd been better prepared for how hard it would be but it does get better, really. It is a joy now, but damn it was hard at the start.

And on co-sleeping - DS would only sleep on top of me at first, or at best snuggled up very tightly next to me. I was terrified of smothering him, but you develop a bit of a sixth sense - Even now that DS (mostly) sleeps in his crib I often feel like I have him in my arms when I'm asleep and can't move without checking he's safe.

Galvanized · 25/12/2014 22:42

You do the breastfeeding, DH does everything else. That way you both get some sleep. I used to feed dd to sleep (she wouldn't be put down either) and carefully transfer her to DH to cuddle her while I rested.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2014 22:45

Another person chiming in to say that in the 1980s we were definitely not advised to leave 8 day old babies to cry alone.

^^This.

We were the Penelope Leach era. I spent two years pacing the floor because I wouldn't leave DC to cry.

I wised up with the next ones and co-slept!

Starlightbright1 · 25/12/2014 22:54

I am guesing this is your first...

One of the best pieces of advise I was given is someone will always disagree with everything that you do. Even if you follow a book to the letter someone will think you should follow another book.

It sounds you are doing what is instinctive...Do what works for you.

WhyNotSmile · 26/12/2014 05:30

It's so hard when you're exhausted and want a shower and a good night's sleep, isn't it? And advice comes from all directions and you really have no idea what's sensible or not!

Go with your instinct - and the fact that you've asked on here suggests that you don't think leaving your baby to cry is ok. Lots of cuddles and feeds is great, but also requires support, as you get nothing else done, so get your partner onside and maybe suggest to your parents that rather than advising you to leave DS, it would be helpful if they came round with food, and did some laundry or cuddled DS while you get a quick shower.

My little boy is now 4.5 months, and has always been a cuddler - early days were hard, but now he's more settled it's lovely to snuggle up with him (knowing it's no longer 24-7!).

HighFiveThenSquidAway · 26/12/2014 07:35

It's so hard with your first, but learn to follow your instincts and ignore any advice that conflicts.
There's a reason that sleep deprivation has been used as a method of torture. Cosleep as much as possible, get your dh to share the holding so you can get some good quality sleep; you're a partnership.
Be kind to yourself, it'd such early days. Ignore the less helpful comments. I've been in your position, it's so hard. One day soon you'll get that first smile and then everything feels worth it :)

dorasee · 26/12/2014 07:48

This question worries me. Don't you feel worried about your baby's needs? In your defense though we all hit burnout and maybe what you need about 3-4 solid hours of sleep where dad or grandmother take over. By the time a mother is asking your question, it usually means you have hit a wall. Enlist help!!

dorasee · 26/12/2014 07:56

High five is right. We're all kind if flaming poor mum. I apologise It's bloody hard... you go without sleep and it is just torture, truly. OP my third is 6 months old and still up 4-5 times a night. BUT a pattern develops and that infantile stage of just sheer demand passes fairly quickly. Your first baby is one of life's steepest learning curves. Do you have a co-sleeper cot? This helps a bit though I think the majority of us end up with baby on our chest. I never like this because it's risky and exhausting. But we all do it. Seriously get dad to give you a break. It's amazing what 3-4 hoursvof true, unbroken sleep can do for our heads when we're in baby burnout.

BastardSnowDarkly · 26/12/2014 07:59

Glad your dh is pitching in, even if it's not till 4am.

Be kind to yourself, sounds like you're finding your way!

Really think the Oh my God, are you mad?! comments can stop now eh?

tobysmum77 · 26/12/2014 08:17

op one important bit of advice. Your mum can't actually remember what it's like to have a newborn, she can only remember from about 6 weeks.

How do I know this? Well I forgot between dd1 and dd2, there's a 2.5 year age gap between them. I thought newborns had a lunchtime nap and went to sleep in their moses baskets Hmm . Now assuming you are at least 18 or 30 even there is a lot of potential for forgetting!

So any advice she hands out, keep that bowl of salt handy and take a large pinch.