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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to leave ds, 8 days old, to cry?

76 replies

ACardiganForCat · 25/12/2014 21:11

He wants to sleep on me or on boob all night. Parental advice is to shut the door and leave him to cry, he will stop eventually. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/12/2014 21:20

Glad you are not doing it. Hope things get easier soon x

TheWindowDonkey · 25/12/2014 21:20

Poor you, i remember how frustrating and tiring a d confusing it was to have a newborn who cried and fed non stop, and how hard it was to ignore the advice i got when i didnt know what i was doing. Deep breths and remember this is a short term situation, even though it doesnt feel like it.
He's feeding non stop at this age to get your milk supply up to where it needs to be. He sleeps better on you because its the closest feeling he has to being in the place he has known for 9 months. You are totally fine to do this. Get as much help as you can with everything else whist you get settled togther, it gets easier by the day, just take one at a time and realise he needs you, all day every day for this time.

imip · 25/12/2014 21:20

Please try a dummy, hopefully bf is well established for you. I did have 4 dcs who did this, my first was very very difficult, but don't leave a newborn to cry. Just over a week ago he was in your womb and used to your heartbeat, warmth and food on tap...

Congratulations on your baby, the early days are tricky, but leaving a baby to cry at this age is far too young. Even the most freakiest control crying advocates I know don't do it until 12 weeks!

capsium · 25/12/2014 21:20

Aw, let him sleep on you, see if you can peel him off when asleep if you're uncomfortable. I've no advice on how to do co sleeping on properly, I'm afraid. Someone else might. We just used to peel DS off me when asleep and put in crib next to bed.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 25/12/2014 21:20

He needs comfort by Brest feeding or cuddling. Ignoring his needs like that would be horribly cruel. He's a baby - you had him - so meet his needs.

MissHJ · 25/12/2014 21:21

i have had to rewrite this a few times because you are coming across quite bad and I don't want to judge you for it.

No you should not leave your 8 day old to cry in the hope he will stop eventually. He is a newborn and far too young to understand where mummy is. It does not last long so I would suggest you get some help and support with baby for you to get some sleep. Also talk to your health visitor if you feel this way because of PND or lack of bond with baby.

I find it hard to believe any one would tell you to leave a baby to cry, it's wrong at that stage.

Who told you to leave him to cry? Because they are a idiot!

capsium · 25/12/2014 21:22

Oh and used to push Ds back and forth in pram whilst singing - would fall asleep like that too.

StetsonsAreCool · 25/12/2014 21:22

Sorry but YABU.

I feel your frustration, DS is 2 days old and pretty much permanently attached to me, and I know I'm going to get most fed up with it before long, but it really is for such a short time in the long term.

Don't let him cry. Keep him close. Sling, express milk so someone else can help out, or just go with it and enjoy being waited on for a while - some of the strategies I'm planning if DS is still attached to me this time next week.

Loletta · 25/12/2014 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/12/2014 21:24

Hugely unreasonable to do this. I can't leave my 8 month old to cry, let alone 8 days. I know it's hard but it's your responsibility to look after his every need. Please don't do it.

livingzuid · 25/12/2014 21:24

Ignore your mother, her advice is how many decades out of date? Don't leave a newborn to cry, especially not one as little as eight days old. Plenty of great advice on MN on co-sleeping if you need it. Do what feels natural to you and follow your instincts.

People are always full of crap advice when you have babies. Go with what feels natural and good luck. Sounds like things are easing already for you.

Missdread · 25/12/2014 21:25

No, no, no! Oh sweetie, it's so frustrating but he's far too young to know anything else but hunger and warmth. If he's still screaming all night at 8 months, that's different but not a week old. Trust your instincts. All he needs is you. It's so hard but it will pass. Good luck x

Salmotrutta · 25/12/2014 21:25

YABU.

But isn't history funny.

Advice would absolutely have advocated "crying it out" in the 1970-80s

Then it changed.

Then it changed again.

Then it changed again.

Then it changed again.

Hey OP - trust your gut.

Original poster
ACardiganForCat · 25/12/2014 21:27

I've sought and been given good advice on safe co sleeping on here. I'm a bit worried about squashing the baby in my sleep but I could do that if I stayed up all night.
He's not a fan of being peeled off. I've tried a few tricks to get him jnto his basket but he's wiser than me and wakes up.
Don't worry, I know it's not ok to leave him in a room alone. I was just checking my mum really is that unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 25/12/2014 21:27

No, don't leave him to cry. He is tiny, he doesn't know what he wants yet, he just needs you to be there.

Having a newborn is exhausting, DS2 slept on the boob for ages. I just covered him and with a couple of blankets and slept propped up on a V pillow.

It will pass, as he settles, but don't listen to your mum.

JollyJingle · 25/12/2014 21:29

Don't do it. If he's very unsettled in the day pop him in a safe sling.

It will pass!

BigfootFilesHisToesInYourTea · 25/12/2014 21:29

I think the advice was different in your/my DM's day.

If it helps to tell her no from a more neutral standpoint you can cite various scientific studies which show that when babies cry alone and unattended, they experience panic and anxiety i.e. "their bodies and brains are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. When developing brain tissue is exposed to these hormones for prolonged periods these nerves won’t form connections to other nerves and will degenerate."

From www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful -
my emphasis on "prolonged" - don't panic every time baby cries! But equally being left to cry is not a good idea.

Some DMs can find it difficult to hear that perhaps what they did (usually with the best of intentions or following advice of that time) may not have been the best course of action - and through misplaced guilt, or whatever, get a bit defensive.

DoItTooJulia · 25/12/2014 21:29

Honey, your DM isn't right on this one.

Surrender to his demands, it'll make everything easier. It will all get easier, but at 8 days old you will still be hugely hormonal, so you need proper support, somebody to cuddle the baby while you shower, eat, rest for a while.

You both need tlc.

Take care of yourself Flowers

JollyJingle · 25/12/2014 21:30

My mum advised breastfeeding, sling wearing and co sleeping so not all mums are outdated throwbacks unreasonable.

JuanDirection · 25/12/2014 21:30

My mum used to tell me to leave dd to cry - phone advice. Then when she was actually here one time and could hear dd crying, she told me to go and pick her up!! Your dm has forgotten what it feels like to have a newborn, and is peddling out of date, unhelpful advice.

Co-sleeping and letting him bf all night is a great idea - he'll be happy, you get to stay in bed all night long, everyone's a winner! Just DON'T have any alcohol or cigarettes, and don't have a pillow or quilt anywhere near him (use blankets if possible). x

Catsize · 25/12/2014 21:33

Co-sleeping has been my favourite part of parenting apart from when they wake you up loads or take ages to get to sleep

HolyTerror · 25/12/2014 21:36

Your mother is being deeply unreasonable. Look after yourself, accept all help offered, and do whatever makes your baby calmest - this phase will pass.

And ignore anyone who says you're 'making a rod for your own back' by not putting your baby out in the garden and feeding him every 48 hours to make him hardy. Do whatever works now, and if any habits formed now come to feel problematic at some point in the future! you can work on changing them then.

Congratulations on your baby.

Dipankrispaneven · 25/12/2014 21:38

salmotrotta, take it from one whose babies were born in the 1980s, advice then was definitely not to leave babies to cry it out. Essentially it was the same as now. We really weren't all dinosaurs back then, you know.

So it may not surprise OP to hear that I agree with everyone else - be led by your baby on this.

Original poster
ACardiganForCat · 25/12/2014 21:39

I think she used to leave us to cry all evening. She makes me feel like a massive hippy fusspot. Daytime is fine but night time is tiring. Last few nights I've co slept until about 4am when dh takes him and he's more ready to settle.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/12/2014 21:41

Have you tried using one of your worn t shirts as a sheet in the basket and a hot water bottle before you put baby in?

Obviously make sure the shirt is tight like a real sheet.

Oh and its quite normal for grandparents to give the advice they practised on you. She's not being mean its just what used to be fairly popular. Its not now. Don't take any harsh comments to heart it was quite obvious that you were unsure about the advice and that's why you asked.