To feel so sad about our non-family Christmas?

[MrsTawdry]

By non-family I mean non extended family.

It was lovely...DH, me and the two DCs and we did have a nice day but I feel sad that our family doesn't do any big family Christmases.

My sister has a big house but she has 4 DC...two are adults as well. She invites my Mum and my brother both of whom are alone to spend the day there...my Mum always goes on about the wonderful food, decor etc and I feel that if I asked her and my bro here, they'd not like it as much....we're not nearly so well off and things are quieter here as there's only the two children.

My sister's house is loud, busy, there's loads of everything...mum and brother LOVE their Christmas there.

I feel sad that I couldn't do as good a day and also that there's never an invitation for us...just teatime or something.

On FB they've all put the photos on of them roaring with laughter..having a ball. We've had such a quiet day I'm jealous.

I'm sure it's just me being overly sentimental about Christmases past when my Dad was here still and there were a lot of DC at home then. I'm sure he'd hate me to be sad. I'll get over it. It's nothing...just self indulgence but thanks to those who've been kind.

Photos on Facebook always look like everyone's having a great time but they don't show the underlying resentments and the hissed arguments in the kitchen and the children's tears and tantrums and the snippy comments over lunch. I got my quiet day with just me, DH & DD today and it was lovely. DD was in her new onesie all day, DH watched what he wanted to on TV and I crashed on the settee after lunch and have barely moved since. I do understand how you feel but it's possible that one or more people in that house are envying you your little family Christmas.

You can't rewind today, talk to your mum sister and brother about how good it would be to spend Christmas all together, then work out how to make it happen, All eating out could be a plan if you join forces and have a family saving plan.
Christmas seems to be a time that unearths a jumble of feelings, and not all of them good and nothing remotely like the adverts.
Breathe eat drink relax and sleep, anything else can wait.

Also, what are you really after, Christmas Day at your sister's with your mum & brother, or for your mum & brother to come to you for once?

Ask her in March, near Easter. Say could we have a dinner around Easter at yours? I'll chip in with (cooking/wine/money/chocolate). I'd love to do Christmas but you don't look sure so maybe this would do?

Maybe if she did one that wasn't xmas she might feel more interested to do an actual Xmas? She would also know in advance how much work your family are prepared to help with.

Equally, could you all go to centre Parcs or some such and do it away instead..,?

If your mum loves you (and I'm sure she does), she wont mind that your Christmas is not as lavish and lively as theirs. Its about spending time together with family and your sister is not the only family she has.

Be yourself. Don't try to compete with your sisters Christmas. You might just be surprised how quiet and cosy can also be just as enjoyable and loud and lively.

YANBU. It is natural that you would feel hurt to be excluded. I would talk to your mum and explain how you feel. IMHO it is quite insensitive of her to go off and have a nice Christmas without considering your feelings.

Messy well she did ask us for tomorrow so I think she knows I felt a bit hurt. I should be HAPPY she had such a good time. She missed my Dad so badly. This is actually the first year I've seen her really happy. So why am I bloody sad??? I feel heartbroken for some weird reason.

OP - I totally get where you're coming from

Got a bit scared that I was your sister But ages and genders wrong.

I have 4DC (all under 10) and we have a big family Christmas. In fact it is the same as every Sunday, just a bit bigger. We have my Mum and brother (both on their own) and Mil and Fil every Sunday and every Christmas/New Year/Easter/Mothers Day and so on...

I also have another DB - with 2DC and DSil. Although we host a family buffet 'do' between Christmas and New Year which they are invited to, they are not invited to Christmas.

We feed 10 as it is, no room for four more.

Having said that though, my DB an Mum would love to go to DB and Sil house for Christmas. I think they've been invited there twice in the last 20 years. So if they are not invited to my brothers family, where would they go? They'd be on their own. So they come to us because I would never see a relative of mine eating alone at Christmas (or any Sunday Dinner).

So, OP, invite your Mum and Brother to you next year. Your Sister probably just hosts because if she didn't, no one would.

I do sympathise, OP... It's crap to be left out. But do stop with all the hints (aka "jokey requests" ) and assumptions about what your mum/brother think of your house... It makes you sound like you've got a bit of a Cinderella complex, whereas actually your main complaint is pretty reasonable.

I suggest you tell your family straight out, and as non-judgementally as you can, that you feel marginalised, and suggest that next year, they all come to yours for a Christmas Eve buffet, or that you all meet up for a Christmas morning walk, or that you go to your sister's just for lunch, and you'll bring the turkey. Something that lets you be part of the fun, but without assuming your sister will pay for everything, or threatening her partner with an entire day of ALL his in laws!

Your sister doesent sound very nice tbh. Why don't you invite your mum and brother next year, do it your way.