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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised no one has asked me!?

32 replies

blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 10:36

My dad died in the spring and so I have no surviving family apart from my brother.

Aibu to have thought someone would have asked if I was ok over Christmas? One friend did but she lives such a long way away ... I'm spending some of Christmas with another friend but I don't know, I'd have thought people like my godmother and family friends of my parents might have asked?

Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 22/12/2014 10:41

Someone did ask you though? I think it depends on all your circumstances, does your god mother and other family friends have frequent contact with you?

PurpleSwift · 22/12/2014 10:41

And sorry for your loss xx

Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 10:43

Well yes - some ONE. That's not to sound ungrateful as I am incredibly blessed to know that particularly wonderful individual Xmas Smile but it's obviously not her I'm a bit Hmm about.

I suppose I am being U but I would have just thought that someone from extended family/friends would have asked what we/I was doing. As it is I shall be spending it alone which is okay but well - not ideal I suppose.

OP posts:
CatCushion · 22/12/2014 10:48

Perhaps they thought to ask you this year might be painful all round, and that as it would be tough, you might orefer this one on your own, and so make future Christmasses brighter. Or perhaps they thought you would ask whoever you'd like to stay with, and maybe tour around a bit. Or perhaps they didn't feel able to invite you for their own reasons.

TenMinutesEarly · 22/12/2014 10:53

I would probably expect my close friends to invite me to join them in this situation but not friends of my parents. Do you have any close friends you could speak to about it?

Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 10:53

Yes - I know there are all sorts of thought processes that might have gone into why no one has been in touch over the festive period but I suppose the likely one is that no ones that fussed Sad which makes me feel a bit invisible!

OP posts:
NancyRaygun · 22/12/2014 10:56

I would have expected it too OP. I know you could argue that view is a bit entitled and people have their own stuff going in but really, it's just nice to check on someone who has been bereaved. What about your brother? Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 10:57

Ten it's not so much I expect an invite to the whole day. It's just upsetting that people I'm related to haven't been in touch for months; people I grew up with have vanished!

Yes I have friends but they mostly didn't know my dad and certainly none of them knew my mum. So I feel very much like I have no roots or sense of belonging.

It is just a feeling and it will pass.

Sorry - I'll hide the thread. I'm probably not best placed for reading about the possibilities as to why no one has been in touch as this is practically limitless. Away, dead, ill, skint, stressed - but you know, not all of them I don't think!

OP posts:
R4roger · 22/12/2014 10:58

people get on with their lives. Sad

R4roger · 22/12/2014 10:58

pehraps they are scared to bring it up?

Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 10:58

Nancy my brother has a disability and he also works for the NHS so will be working over the festive period. I'm not remotely entitled I'm talking about a text or a card not a three bird roast Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 11:00

roger they don't have to bring it up ... But anyway I clearly am very unreasonable in thinking it would be nice to contact your niece/cousin/daughter of your dearest friends at christmastime! And I know I am coming across as angry and I'm not, just very upset that apparently such a small thing is such a big thing.

OP posts:
CatCushion · 22/12/2014 11:03

Oh, blueboatinghat there are lots of tjoughts that go through people's heads...a lot of people don't really enjoy Christmas that much and want it all over, and no amout of putting in more effort would change it. So they don't want to be around other people, or try to set themselves up to fail in providing a good Christmas for someone else.

It is up to you...what do you want to do?

When my Mum went (in mind, not body) I decided I'd like to go swimming outside on Christmas day, and raise some money for a Alzheimer's charity. It didn't quite work out like that, but that year I yearned to work in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen and couldn't because of family responsibilities. Travel is another optuon, if you can affort it.

R4roger · 22/12/2014 11:04

no you are not coming across as angry. i am sorry for your loss Thanks

meerschweinchen · 22/12/2014 11:06

I'm so sorry Sad My Dad also died in the spring and it's so hard. I'm dreading this first Christmas without him, so I can imagine a little bit how you must feel.

I'm lucky that I have my Mum, and dh and my children. So it must be really really hard for you.

I don't think you're expecting much at all. It's nice to know people care and are thinking of you.They could at least have been in touch to check you're OK. I'm sorry this has not been the case. I do think a lot of people don't know what to say. Lots of people brightly wish me a merry Christmas without acknowledging my loss. Maybe I'm expecting too much too, but it would be nice if more people empathised.

I hope you manage to get though the day OK and have a brighter new year Flowers

NancyRaygun · 22/12/2014 11:11

No I don't think you are being at all entitled, I phrased that badly. To be honest I think the friends who haven't contacted you have behaved really badly and I just hope you csn have a lovely Christmas on your own, spoil yourself as it seems like no other bugger is looking out for you x

singleandfabulous · 22/12/2014 11:38

When my parents died, I found that generally, people felt extremely awkward in asking how I was, I suspect in case I cried or it upset me. You could sense their discomfort iykwim.

I also found that a lot of people avoided me or if they did contact me, they made no mention of it.

I still think that a lot of people feel extremely awkward around the subject of death and so choose to avoid it completely by staying out of the way or not contacting the bereaved person.

I suspect that they will think that someone else is comforting you (such as close friends and immediate family). Trouble is, if everyone thinks this but doesn't check then the bereaved person ends up alone.

My father died on 21st December a few years ago and I think at that time of year, everyone is caught up with Christmas preparations too which doesn't help. It's a difficult time.

Flowers for you blueboat It gets better with time.

twoopsie · 22/12/2014 11:41

People find it uncomfortable tbh, that's probably why or they are just busy in their own bubble and forgot it

tunaandcheesesandwich · 22/12/2014 11:51

I think that sometimes people assume that other people are contacting you and that you are ok. They may not know that you would be on your own at Christmas.

I feel bad because my cousin lost her dad a few years ago and I assumed that she was ok as she spent a lot of time with her DM and Dsis. But I recently found out they were not very supportive of her, and I wish I had made more of an effort to spend time with her.

But, YANBU. I have found that the Christmas spirit is often just about making dinner for your own family, and buying lots of presents. Good deeds and helping others does not figure in some peoples' lives.

loveareadingthanks · 22/12/2014 12:25

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think I would expect anyone other than very immediate family (like your brother) to invite me for Christmas, and you know why he hasn't. Godparents and friends of your parents, no.

I agree it would have been nice for your close friends to ask what you were doing for Christmas, it's a pretty normal conversation this time of year, and to offer to have you when you responded that you will be on your own. But have you asked anyone what their plans are either? Have you got into any of these conversations?

Anyway, Christmas on your own isn't all bad, just the once. I did it a couple of years ago when circumstances worked out that way. I'd broken up with ex that year, my family weren't able to have me for various reasons. I did have a friend offer but I turned it down as she had a big family Christmas planned at hers and I didn't want to intrude, plus it was the first time she'd done it and she was already freaking out about it. I got a pity invitation from a work colleague, which was kindly meant, but rather humiliating so I refused nicely. I fibbed to everyone. Told family I was going to friends. Told friends I was going to family. Enjoyed quite a nice day sitting on my bed in my PJs, picking at yummy food, watching all the rubbish TV I wanted and reading my new book without feeling guilty. As a one-off, it was fine.

But only as a one -off. The next year I was a bit more proactive about it all.

If you are on your own this year, make the most of it. Enjoy a peaceful, relaxing Christmas day doing exactly what you want. Raise a glass to your parents. Next year, start inviting others round to yours for Christmas. Sometimes you have to take the lead.

dancingwitch · 22/12/2014 12:33

I am always surprised at how wrapped up people are in their own family Christmasses, often with relatives they claim not to like that much, that they don't think of asking others who could be lonely or vulnerable at Christmas. We have twice had waifs and strays to ours for Christmas and on both occasions found it changed the dynamic for the better as we were all on "social" behaviour rather than stuck in our usual roles. Financially, the guests were very different with one having arranged for champagne to be delivered a couple of days before Christmas and the other turning up with a bobble hat she had knitted for each of the DC. Both types of gifts were appreciated and, more importantly, so was the company of these two people.

Original poster
blueboatinghat · 22/12/2014 12:51

"waifs and strays" Xmas Hmm

It's unheard of almost but:

Fuck
Off.

OP posts:
ProcrastinaRemNunc · 22/12/2014 12:59

Blue, don't take it personally. After a death, things can become a little strange. Others often don't think to alter their approach to include the bereaved party. They forget someone has a massive gap in their life or just don't know how best to approach inclusivity, so avoid it. Sometimes, they take the theory of leaving 'room to grieve' to the extent that they just politely wait for your call, assuming this will signal your wish for involvement.

It's understandable that you're feeling a little unloved but you've done nothing to incur that. If you do want to be with certain people over this period, reach out and make it happen.

DeWee · 22/12/2014 14:06

I suspect that most people have forgotten that your dad died this year. or not really forgotten, but more it isn't in the forefront of their mind. If you reminded them, they'd say "oh yes, I knew that", but it won't be something they'd remember when talking to you.

But also people may be "wrapped up in their own little Christmas"... but a good number of those will either be full already, got relatives coming that they either don't want to inflict on you, or be going away. It doesn't mean that they wouldn't prefer to invite you though.

Fallingovercliffs · 22/12/2014 14:12

YANBU but Christmas just seems to have become a very selfish time of the year for a lot of people; it's all about them and their dc and their family traditions and no one intruding on that precious time. The whole meaning of Christmas just seems to be lost on a lot of people.