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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

like having a third child DH makes me apoplectic

92 replies

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 08:37

Yesterday was a typical example.We were due to be somewhere at 3pm, he wanted to clean the cars in the morning so went outside at 10ish....I showered, got the children's breakfast, washed up, fed dog etc. I then popped out to do some food shopping. Returned at 1.15, DH still in the garden messing about, reminded him of timing and went to put shopping away and make some snacks and drinks as we were taking children skating.
Fast forward to 1.45 and me starting to get angry at seeing him hosing down the steps in the garden (hardly a priority at this time of year), I again reminded him of time and returned to get children dressed, gloves, hats gathered etc. He finally came in at 2pm and I was so wound up by this time, especially as he had said he would walk the dog and hadn't. He showered and we got in the car at 2.30 for a 30 minute journey to be on the ice at 3pm.
I was mad with him and when he told me to stop going on I got out of the car and told him to go on his own. I then walked the dog and left him to it telling the children to have a good time but I was too mad with daddy to go.

This is a common theme, how can i remedy it, he just laughs and finds it funny. I actually find it disrespectful and no matter how many times I ask him to allow sufficient time so I don't get stressed he ignores it. It seems as though there is one parent and three children in the situation.
I do love him to bits, he works hard for the family but I spontaneously combust if this carries on, any advice?

OP posts:

TheWitTank · 22/12/2014 10:25

Kristingle- the op said in a later post that the kids didn't care she stayed behind as they were excited about seeing their friends. In that case then she should have just left him there and not been the martyr and stayed herself ruining her day.
I personally wouldn't have been overly pissy at him about the chores as he was cleaning cars etc (he obviously felt they needed doing) but he clearly has form for winding the op up. I do understand it must be bloody annoying.
Op, have a proper chat with him later. I would bet he feels you 'nag' him and he deliberately takes a long time/does other tasks. Even if you feel you don't! I'm sure you can sort this fairly easily. Good luck!

MistressDeeCee · 22/12/2014 10:36

Id have taken the DCs myself at 2.15pm and left him to walk the dog etc

I do understand why you are annoyed OP..and its horrible when you get that churned up tense feeling inside and you know your partner is causing it on purpose. He is only able to be ready on time because he's left you to sort everything else out whilst he finds something else to do so he doesn't have to help you at all.

Its a mindgame. Hopefully you'll find a way of sorting it as stressing regularly about another person isn't good for the physical or emotional health. Funny how the person who cares enough to be organised so that life ticks over nicely, is always the one accused of being unrelaxed in some way. Id like to see what would happen if the organiser (enabler) just stopped doing what they do...

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 11:04

Yy mistress DC

Like this morning when DH took child to dentist. If he was 20 mins late as usual,the dentist wouldn't take the child. It needed to be done now as child has to get braces fitted early in the new year.

If it wasn't done now, child woudl have to have time off school to do it later in January, just before her exams. So she Is the one who woudl suffer, not DH.

I don't see how you can always just leave it , when it's other people who suffer the inconvenience, not DH.

When Dh has to catch a train, he always leaves plenty time. He's worked out that trains don't wait, however good your excuse. But he doesn't mind making other people wait eg turning up late so others get caught in traffic and the journey takes them twice as long.

TenMinutesEarly · 22/12/2014 11:07

He was out of order but your reaction was way over the top.

Original poster

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 11:07

Spot on MistressDeeCee, he does manage to make me feel bad for getting annoyed. Well today he has asked me to book cinema tickets for him and the children later, he discussed this with a friend yesterday so the two dads are meeting at the cinema at 3pm.....will see what happens

OP posts:

Original poster

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 11:10

I know my reaction was over the top, hands up to that one but I was so full of rage, my Christmas spirit had upped and left and I was fearful for spoiling it for everyone. The dog got a nice walk and I calmed down! The kids were not worried that I wasn't there, they would have been gutted however if they didn't get to go. I am currently getting them to strip their beds and trylng to make them realise that jobs are a family thing then we can ALL get time to do what we want as well

OP posts:

BathshebaDarkstone · 22/12/2014 11:11

He sounds like a 3-year-old. Treat him like one. Toilet, get washed, dressed, breakfast, toilet, shoes, coat, out. Or whatever else needs to be done. Tell him what to do and when to do it.

ninilegsintheair · 22/12/2014 11:18

I've got to wonder about these men who 'have no concept of time'. How many of them are late for work everyday? I suspect very few.

Or does it just apply in the home setting?

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 11:18

Aspergers - if that was my DH I woudl have to book the tickets too.

Then Make sure the kids were ready , suitably dressed, eaten lunch and with a bag of goodies. DH woudl stroll in at 2:45 and ask

" where are my car keys ? "

" where are the tickets ? "

then yell at the kids to get into the car . It would also be my job to make sure his work stuff had been cleared out of his car so the kids could get in

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 11:26

Well today he has asked me to book cinema tickets for him and the children later

And he can't book tickets because...?

Are you sure you are not mothering him OP?

diddl · 22/12/2014 11:31

Tell him to book them himself!

he made the arrangement!

Yesterday in fact, so he could maybe have even done it by now.

Original poster

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 11:35

In his defence he is at work this morning but I will have to have the kids ready, drinks and snacks etc...I certainly don't WANT to mother him (very sexy that) but he does need a rocket up the jacksy daily

OP posts:

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 22/12/2014 11:38

unless people have lived this and the drip drip drip chinese torture of living with it they will not get it.

some people can cope with living like this, some not.

I heard recently that executive functioning might not be so good in people with asd. Don't know where or when but ex was prenmmie and ds has ASD and exh is similar in some respects though no diagnosis.

strategies?

accept that you are the organiser of children and things that will e(a?)ffect the children and you. delegate tasks that only effect him.

talk to him about how it makes you feel. does he undersatnd the processinvoolved in getting everything ready.

let him get ready to see say his parents when it will just mean a little lateness.

ex never got the practicalities of what was involved. he once stated that the children's bag was always ready so there was no need to worry about that. he had no concept that nappies were used up and replaced... by the nappy fairy apparently. thought the new fridge stayed clean as it was new... thought that if we had to be somewhere at three and it took thirty minutes to drive ther and 10 minutes to get in the car... that we were not late even if we went down to the car at 2.55.

diddl · 22/12/2014 11:47

"but I will have to have the kids ready, drinks and snacks etc."

Why?

Will he not have time by the time he gets in from work?

If he will, let him do it.

loveareadingthanks · 22/12/2014 11:52

Hmmmm.

You won't like this but you do sound just a little bit controlling. Sorry. You had your list in your head of jobs to be done. He had a list in his head of jobs to be done. You both did your own lists. You are annoyed because he didn't drop his own list to do yours instead.

And then you stropped off instead of joining in with the ice skating.

Having said that, I do sympathise. Of course it is obvious to us that basics of food,clothing, etc etc have to be priority over things like washing cars and hosing down steps. But I suppose he thought that they all needed doing, you were doing 'your' bits in the house, and he was doing 'his' bits outside. Perhaps he resents being given a list of chores, as if he were a child.

I'm not into telling other people what to do. Things need doing. I expect us both to do a fair share. I don't expect DP to issue orders to me, and I don't issue orders to him. If one of us isn't pulling our weight, the other will bring it up and we'll sort ourselves out.

A bit of assertiveness is good, but without bossiness. How about next weekend when he's off to go wash the cars/whatever, tell him firmly, no, I tell you what, it must be my turn to wash the cars/hose the steps/weed the garden/defluff the trebuchet, I'll take care of that while you feed/dress kids and go to the supermarket.

Or can you make a list of jobs to be done and divvy them up with agreement between you? You should both have input into the list of jobs.

anothernumberone · 22/12/2014 12:04

YANBU I don't know if the proverbial leopard will change his spots but you can change how you deal with him. I am thinking 'I am out to get my hair done see you at 2:30 at the ice rink, you bring the kids'.

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 12:08

DIddl - it was only an example.

But if it was real, it woudl be a Saturday and he woudl be off work all day . But he'd be busy sleeping in , then watching the TV, then sleeping again. Then he'd decide to have a shower /shave / get dressed at 2pm so that woudl take him until 2:45 and he wouldnt be available to do anything for the kids.

If I objected I woudl be unreasonable because I woudl be trying to stop him taking a shower etc

I'm beginning to think the Ops Dh must be related to mine

Permanentlyexhausted · 22/12/2014 12:14

Whilst I can understand your frustration, I do think in this instance YWBU.

In your OP you say you had to be somewhere at 3pm. You then go on to imply that, although you would have arrived at 3pm, you felt that was arriving too late. What time did you tell your husband you had to be there? Did you say you had to be there at 2.45 at the absolute latest, or did you tell him 3pm and expect him to know that you actually meant some unspecified time before that?

You refer to your DH as being a third child but you're the one who stomped out of the car in a strop that looks suspiciously like a childish tantrum. I'm not surprised he laughs at you if that's how you behave as an adult.

As others have said, the endless nagging all morning will have done no good. I don't doubt that he was just as pissed off with that, as you were with him not being ready when you wanted him to be, except that he didn't throw a strop about it. He laughed it off instead.

Next time, get up in the morning and discuss what each of you needs to do/would like to do during the day. You then decide between you who will do what, and when, in order to fit everything in. Make sure he gets an equal chance to say what he thinks needs to be done so that both of you identify chores and both share the entire workload. This shouldn't be you deciding that what you want done is a "chore" and what he wants done is "pottering about" (which is another thing I've picked up from your post).

In other words, be clear about what you want him to do and when. Respect the contributions he makes but encourage him to do these chores at a sensible point that fits in with everything else.

SoonToBeMrsB · 22/12/2014 12:19

I get it. I don't agree that YWBU because you'd reached the end of your tether with an ongoing issue. My DP fannies around until the last minute and he is chronically lazy, which results in me "nagging" him and it drives me mental.

I can see why you would remove yourself from the situation, your DP was faffing with unnecessary things to save himself from doing anything useful and then gave you the what's-the-big-problem face when you were angry. I know it well!

Sazzle41 · 22/12/2014 14:04

So nagging isnt working. He's either oblivious or purposefully winding you up and you are increasingly resentful.

Sit him down away from the kids and any distractions and point out that you feel like a single parent and while gardening does need attending to at some point for family stuff you expect equal sharing getting children organised/chores necessary. And set all your clocks 15mins ahead. (I'm serious on that one, it saves a world of pain if you have a scatty disorganised man child). If he doesnt do what you have agreed leave without him so he can walk the dog etc etc.

emms1981 · 22/12/2014 14:42

I know what you mean op my dh is just the same,
He gets up and normally leaves me to do childrens lunches, get them breakfast, make sure they get dressed brush teeth etc and while I'm doing that he will be on the loo then showering, he doesn't work 9-5 he has strange hours so no reason he can't help.
We are always late for things, we go to my dads at christmas and there is so much to bring or do before we go and I know he will forget most of it if left up to him

TeenAndTween · 22/12/2014 15:33

a) you need to agree a leaving time not just the arrival time

b) on busy days, write a list of jobs and agree a division. that's what I do with DH at Christmas, (though he still invents jobs not on the list which winds me up)

HansieLove · 22/12/2014 15:43

One couple I know of had two girls. The father would pace back and forth while the mother hustled around doing everything to get the little girls ready. They divorced. One of those little girls married a man who would get himself ready to go, and let her do everything else. They are now divorced. There were other problems too, of course. But I do think a man should, if he is a parent, act like one.

notmyproblem · 22/12/2014 16:39

Kristingle, what exactly are your DH's redeeming features? Because it sounds like you'd have a much nicer life without him there. Worth considering maybe?

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 17:41

On bad days I think that too :-(

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