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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

like having a third child DH makes me apoplectic

92 replies

aspergersrus · 22/12/2014 08:37

Yesterday was a typical example.We were due to be somewhere at 3pm, he wanted to clean the cars in the morning so went outside at 10ish....I showered, got the children's breakfast, washed up, fed dog etc. I then popped out to do some food shopping. Returned at 1.15, DH still in the garden messing about, reminded him of timing and went to put shopping away and make some snacks and drinks as we were taking children skating.
Fast forward to 1.45 and me starting to get angry at seeing him hosing down the steps in the garden (hardly a priority at this time of year), I again reminded him of time and returned to get children dressed, gloves, hats gathered etc. He finally came in at 2pm and I was so wound up by this time, especially as he had said he would walk the dog and hadn't. He showered and we got in the car at 2.30 for a 30 minute journey to be on the ice at 3pm.
I was mad with him and when he told me to stop going on I got out of the car and told him to go on his own. I then walked the dog and left him to it telling the children to have a good time but I was too mad with daddy to go.

This is a common theme, how can i remedy it, he just laughs and finds it funny. I actually find it disrespectful and no matter how many times I ask him to allow sufficient time so I don't get stressed he ignores it. It seems as though there is one parent and three children in the situation.
I do love him to bits, he works hard for the family but I spontaneously combust if this carries on, any advice?

OP posts:

PurpleSwift · 22/12/2014 09:01

I get how looking at this as a one off makes you look a little irrational. But if this is happening all the time then I totally understand, I'd be fuming. Why does he get to faff around outside on things that don't really need to be done when you're running around the house and getting things done that NEEDS to be done all by yourself. It's almost like he's busying himself in a deliberate attempt to not help/wind you up. You need to sit down and have a real talk.

Badvocinapeartree · 22/12/2014 09:01

So stop making adaptations for him.
Treat him as he treats you.

HoHonutty · 22/12/2014 09:02

I do understand why you were fucked off but think the kids being told that mummy is too mad at daddy to come is not great.

I bet it did run their day.

PurpleWithRed · 22/12/2014 09:02

I see exactly what you mean, it would drive me nuts too. But what you are doing to make it stop now - nagging, then flouncing off in a huff - isn't working. On the other hand it's working very well for him - he gets to do exactly what he wants, duck out of the tedious stuff, then occupy the moral high ground when you go off on one.

You need a very different strategy: one that results in negative consequences for him if he carries on ducking his responsibilities.

Mrscog · 22/12/2014 09:04

I understand, you need to delegate more stuff to him - things that can't get missed like feeding children, so 'Morning DH - oh you want to clean the cars? Fine, I'm going to do x,y and z (insert worthy chores which you want to do). Can you get the children breakfasted and dressed before you do the cars? And we need to leave at 1.15 as we're meeting everyone at 2.45.

averageanomoly · 22/12/2014 09:06

How old are the children? It sounds like you pottered inside and got some jobs done and he pottered outside and got some jobs done before setting off for a nice family event, Ii don't really see the problem

TheWitTank · 22/12/2014 09:08

Exactly purple. There is absolutely no point on nagging, getting furious and then ruining your own day. Ask him once to help you get sorted. If he doesn't, carry on and go without him. No shouting or accusing in front of the kids. When he stops finding it hilarious that you are pissed off and starts missing out on things he will have to change. Don't make preparations for him. Get you and the kids ready only. Don't make him lunch or sort his clothes out.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/12/2014 09:08

I hind of agree with me myself and i.

Except that doesn't solve the problem if him not getting the children ready

Do my advice is this.

When he gets in make it up with him, unless your going to divorce him over it there's not point carrying on with anger etc.

Write an exhaustive break down of the tasks that need done to get everyone our of the door in the morning, include separate categories for specific regular events ie lunch boxes for days out, waterproofs if its raining etc

Sit him down with a pot of tea and some biscuits and show it to him.
Explain that these are all the tasks that you are currently trying to do in the morning and that you need him to take on half of them whenever he is there. It's not sustainable to get this stressed in the morning and it's spoiling your enjoyment of time spent together. Tell him you love him and that you're scared the resentment that's building up will destroy your relationship.

Let him pick the jobs he prefers
Photocopy it and pin it up each morning to tick off
You could also try a fucking sticker chart.

If the calm and reasonable approach doesn't work then you have 3 options

put up and shut up
keep nagging and spoiling everyone's mood
divorce

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 22/12/2014 09:09

I totally understand your frustration, I have one the same. I tell him when we need to leave, I have to do everything to get the DC ready and everything needed for us to go out, he just has to get himself and the car ready and he frequently doesn't fucking do it until we're on the minute we have to leave. So we're often late, even if it's only by a few minutes. Drives me nuts!

diddl · 22/12/2014 09:10

"Ii don't really see the problem"

The poor dog didn't get walked.
(Hope he already had a walk that day)

And Op did everything towards getting the kids ready.

diddl · 22/12/2014 09:12

"Let him pick the jobs he prefers"

Ah bless!

GretnaGreen · 22/12/2014 09:16

I struggle with punctuality myself but I do know that if you're due to be on the ice at 3 and it's a 30 minute journey then you need to leave by 2.15 at the very latest (even if I wouldn't necessarily manage it). I wouldn't actually have got out and refused to go but I do understand OP's frustration.

Littlef00t · 22/12/2014 09:22

Was it that you had to do it all while he did what he fancied which were unimportant jobs?

Also, I presume a 30 min journey + 5 mins parking + 10 mins meeting friends, getting skates etc = being late

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 09:31

No we didn't leave on time. It takes a good 15 minutes to queue up for skates, get them on etc and get on the ice, no time allowed for traffic or a chat with friends first that we were due to meet.

You weren't clear that you had to leave by quarter past.

I always give a faff factor, 'we need to leave at 2' and if people aren't ready by 2:15. I'd just leave them behind. They need to take responsibility for themselves not act like delicate daisies. Next time, get the kids in the car and leave him at home.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/12/2014 09:35

My DH can be like this, not because he 'is acting like a single person' but because he seem's to have no concept of time. So I now tell him we need to be anywhere 30mins before we actually do. It's the only way we get anywhere on time.

diddl · 22/12/2014 09:36

He was ready on time wasn't he?
(If he thought that only half an hr was needed to get there.)

But had done nothing to help anyone else.

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 09:40

If I just left left DH behind when he was late, he woudl never come with us. And the kids woudl be mad at " mean mummy " who left poor daddy behind.

And he would be delighted as he'd never have to come on family outings.

So I not sure how that woudl help in our case. Woudl it work for you OP?

Kristingle · 22/12/2014 09:41

< hi fives clutter bugs mum >

Deux · 22/12/2014 09:47

Crikey, my DH can be like this. If say we're leaving at 10 am, he won't go in the shower till 9.50 am, meanwhile I end up feeling run ragged having done everything that morning. He has a just in time philosophy which translates into just a little bit late. He also regularly claims to have 'not realised what the time is'.

You have my sympathies OP, it's wearisome to feel like this. I feel I have to do the thinking for everyone and I'm sick of it. I'd be cross too if my DH was occupying him self with irrelevant tasks whilst leaving all the essential ones to me.

ninetynineonehundred · 22/12/2014 09:59

What gets me more than anything here is that he finds it funny that you are upset.
To me this makes it look like a deliberate attempt to upset you.
He knows what upsets you. He knows what needs to be done.
He's choosing not to but can use doing the garden as a way of pretending to be helpful so you look unreasonable when you are cross.

RockinHippy · 22/12/2014 10:01

Oh I hear you & totally understand your frustration, I married a last minute Larry too & if you let it, it will drive you insane, especially if you are the opposite & a bit control freak with time management - which sounds like you might be - I get that too, as I can be that way myself. My DH will potter around doing nothing in particular whilst I get myself ready & then just as we are about to leave, suddenly decide he needs to sort out recycling or something, making us late

You've 2 options - Divorce

Or lighten up, realise that no one dies if you are a bit late - though as others suggest, I also lie to mine about appointment times too & it works - I've got to admit though, left to it, as opposite as he is to me with time management- left to it, he does always get things done

a classic example is the time we needed a carpet lifting ahead of a new floor being laid & the carpenter was arriving at 8 am the next day & DH was STILL faffing around not starting it by mid afternoon, whilst I was on the verge of a coronary & would he he'll listen to my pleas of "you don't know what's under the carpet, you can't leave it to the last minute, there might be problems"

I was right, turned out has tiles under the middle of the carpet to lift too - took him ALL night to get the job done - but he did get it done & I realised that had I not got so wound up over it, the only person that really suffered was HIM - he just can't manage time at all

I've learnt to back off & not wind myself up as it achieves nothing - if DH isnt ready, I don't nag or wind myself up, we just leave without him - but as above, lying about the time helps avoid that

RockinHippy · 22/12/2014 10:07

Finding it funny isn't neccessarily because he's deliberately winding you up at all, just that he's the opposite to you & just doesn't get your frustration at all & just doesn't know how to deal with it, probably a dose of embarrassment too, as was the case with mine - he laughs too, there's no deliberately winding me up, that's just not his style he wouldn't dare anyway

spamanderson · 22/12/2014 10:11

Errrrm am I missing something? He was busy doing chores (maybe not the ones you felt were necessary but it's not like he was sat on the computer, playing on a games console etc!) and you got in the car bang on time and would be arriving at the destination on time? I'm sorry but YABU. Your poor kids probably wondered what was going on, they were no doubt looking forward to a day out with mummy and daddy and they had to drive off after mummy told them she was too angry with daddy. I'm sorry but I don't think that's on.

diddl · 22/12/2014 10:16

If in future he says he wants to clean the cars for example & you say that something needs doing first, what would he say/do?

Could you sell a car so that there's fewer for him to clean??

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 22/12/2014 10:18

If the op had taken the DC and left him to it, her Op would have done nothing outside of his own, self centered agenda.

My dh is always a bit late and I like to be early. We were going on holiday and despite being in town the day before went to pick a nonessential thing up 1 1/2 hours before we were due to leave. He could have done it before or waited until we got home. It's annoying because he sees himself as having free time when he should be helping with family nonsense. I didn't get stressed, I just said that he didn't need to do it today but it was up to him and that he needed to pack ds's suitcase and we needed to leave at 11:00. We made it by the skin of our teeth. He probably thinks he is great at time management . I think he is utterly shite. I divide what needs to be done and let him get on with it. If I need to tell him what needs to be done, he isn't managing it.

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