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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that messing up the pill is not different to removing a condom halfway through

39 replies

CheeseBuster · 21/12/2014 13:24

Just that really. There seem to be loads of threads where women mess up taking the pill, they skip one or miss the time, then don't tell their partner, have sex and get knocked up.

How is this any different to a guy whipping off the condom halfway through, without your knowledge? Yes I get that accidents happen but if you know you've missed a pill then you know your having unsafe sex that night. Surely you should tell your partner? Like if a guy notices the condom has split he should say, whack on a new one and then you'd be able to think about the morning after pill.

And there is the stupid argument that if he didn't want a baby he should wear a condom. Really? If you told your husband your were on the pill and he still insisted on wearing a condom that wouldn't be odd? He should trust his wife.

OP posts:

TheSpottedZebra · 21/12/2014 13:26

Yabu, and a bit goady.

Greysanderson · 21/12/2014 13:28

I think the difference is the risk of STIs but I do get what your saying it is a common view that a man should have kept it in his pants if he didn't want to risk someone getting pregnant despite under the belief that protection was being used. I doubt you will read many saying a woman should have kept her legs closed though.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 21/12/2014 13:29

I have never taken responsibility for DH contraception only my own.

Annbag · 21/12/2014 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 21/12/2014 13:30

YANBU. In a loving trusting relationship it may be down to one partner to deal with the contraception through preference.

If that partner then cocks up the contraception, they should tell the other partner immediately so that together they can deal with the situation.

Annbag · 21/12/2014 13:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Greysanderson · 21/12/2014 13:31

Also women would be the ones who actually have a physical risk to their well being. But yes both situations are based on lies and deceit.

dexter73 · 21/12/2014 13:32

Forgetting a pill is an accident but having sex knowing you have forgotten one and not using additional contraception is very risky.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 21/12/2014 13:32

YANBU in that if I forgot to take a pill I would tell DH, I wouldn't knowingly risk getting pregnant without telling him. However, forgetting to take it isn't in itself the same as whipping off a condom, one is deliberate, the other a mistake.

Original poster

CheeseBuster · 21/12/2014 14:01

Not forgetting the pill but the not telling the partner you've forgotten it. That was what I find odd and the same as the whipping off of condom. If I forgot my pill I'd tell the person I was having sex with so they could decide whether to take the risk.

It wasn't meant to be toady I just don't understand some attitudes I see on here. Sorry if you thought it was.

I don't think I've ever had a guy secretly remove the condom but I'd imagine if you were in doggy it could be done and I have seen it mentioned on some threads that some guys have done this.

OP posts:

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 21/12/2014 14:06

Well I do agree that forgetting you have taken your pill and them having sex anyway is irresponsible.

In a relationship contraception should be agreed upon (in ours I sort out the contraception).

sanquhar · 21/12/2014 14:09

do you mean women deliberately messing up the pill in order to get pregnant? if so yanbu

but genuine forgetting to take the pill is completely different to the conscious act of removing a condom.

i am so shit at remembering to take pills, i mean really shit, i would forget to take it for days in a row. which is why i don't use the pill anymore.

cruikshank · 21/12/2014 14:10

Where are these 'loads of threads'?

oswellkettleblack · 21/12/2014 14:12

TAAT. YABU. Bit goady, too.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 14:12

A woman deliberately messing up the pill could be equated to a man removing a condom halfway through. Both intentional acts. Notwithstanding that removing a condom also has risks of STDs, which not taking a pill doesn't have

A missed pill through accident - forgetting etc, IMO could be equated to a condom split. A genuine mistake. Having said that, if you forget to take your pill it is only fair to discuss it with your partner and explain and give the option for further contraception/abstinence to occur

Guyropes · 21/12/2014 14:13

I don't get that, WhenSheWas... Does that mean its entirely your responsibility if there's a contraception failure? Sounds slack to me. I would prefer ongoin engagement around the issue tbh, not just to be landed with the entire responsibility.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/12/2014 14:14

If I have forgotten to take the pill, then how would I remember that I'd forgotten it in order to tell my partner

If I'd done it on purpose then YANBU

Fuckmath · 21/12/2014 14:19

It's not the same at all

The thing is that if you miss one pill you are generally still fine if you then take it and the next days pill together the next morning.... Missing one pill is so unlikely to get you pregnant. You're not going to immediately ovulate in that gap where you missed just one pill.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 14:22

Sorry Rufus - was sort of thinking aloud. I take my pill last thing at night. Would always be post-sex. I have a reminder set for the morning to check so I'd know before I had sex later than day

BUT had I forgotten to take the pill and KNEW and didn't discuss other contraception with my partner, I would be totally irresponsible.

Original poster

CheeseBuster · 21/12/2014 14:36

fuckmath if I miss one of my pills then I'm unprotected for seven days. This is the case with A LOT of contraceptive pills.

There have been loads of threads in the time I have been in MN. Generally about how the man doesn't want a baby but the woman does and whoops she forgot to mention that time she missed the pill and they still had sex and now there's a baby.

If you forget to take it and obviously don't remember until after you've had sex then that's different.

It is more about a situ in RL where a friend of a friend has got pregnant. Her BF is a student and doesn't want the baby. She told us she had an alarm on her phone to take the pill but she sometimes snoozes it and after she's snoozed it a couple of times it stops and then she'd forget to take it. But as far as the BF was aware, she had an alarm and took it every day. She says if he didn't want a baby he should have insisted on condoms, which I get if they hadn't done the whole her getting on the pill to stop using condoms in the first place.

I'm of the opinion that in a relationship you should trust the other. I would trust my partner to take a pill and to tell me if he had missed one if that was possible of course.

OP posts:

naty1 · 21/12/2014 14:38

This relates to mini pill thread.

I agree with cheese. The only reason not to say would be manipulation. If youve completely forgotten so cant say... Then maybe pill isnt best for you.
I set reminders on phone (ivf meds) and dont dismiss until ive taken them. I was taking every 4 hrs with motivation you can remember.

I think you can still get pg if miss pill as sperm live 5 days a pill or 2 missed resulting in ovulation and bingo.
Im surprised at how many women intentionally get pg when they know partner doesnt want kids at that point.
Several couples in RL have made it to 30 then had an accident. One had 2 using withdrawl (doh) where the man didnt even want a second DC.

An accident is contraceptive failure, not withdrawl etc.

Original poster

CheeseBuster · 21/12/2014 14:41

That is a good point guyropes. Is contraception purely down to me because I take the pill? My partner knows me and knows the chances of me forgetting it. He has agreed to take those chances. The same as if you use a condom you are agreeing to a 2% chance of pregnancy. So if the pill failed or if I forgot it would be his responsibility too I guess. Which is sort of how I see this RL situ with the friend of friend. But if I knew I'd missed one I'd tell him straight away and we'd use a condom. Or if I was missing a lot I'd say I think we need to switch contraceptives or use a barrier method as well.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 21/12/2014 14:50

It depends on the pill. Funnily I was on the exact same pill under different brand names, and they had different instructions on what to do if you miss one.

The first one was that standard advice I always got: If you miss one, you're buggered for seven days. Use a condom and if it's less than 7 days until your break, run two packets together.

The second one was more complex: It said if you miss one, you're OK. If you miss two within a 7 day window, you're buggered for potentially 7 days before and after that (oh yay!), if you miss one within 7 days of starting a packet, same, if you miss one less than 7 days before the end of a pack, you can either start your break early (but be fine) or run two packs together (and be fine).

Both talking about "missing" being over 12 hours late since that's how late you can take the combined pill.

I highly suspect that the advice in the second packet is actually the correct advice, including the "you were also at risk if you shagged before you forgot one" part, but it's too complex so they dumb it down and report it as in the first packet.

Yes if you forget and realise you have forgotten and you are at risk of course you should inform your partner. That's not "part of the risk" like the 2% with a condom. Similarly if a condom breaks you don't ignore it, you tell your partner.

If you forget but don't realise you have forgotten you can't tell them, can you? If you realise later then you should say so and then you have a chance to get MAP or similar.

MuttersDarkly · 21/12/2014 14:54

We have always used condoms.

I rely on DH to store/use our mutally agreed upon form of contraception as it is supposed to be stored/used and to let me know if there are any issues with the storage/use that raises the risks of pregnancy, rather than carry on regardless. Even if that means stopping at the worst possible moment from his perspective because he suspects a tear might have happened.

If there was ever the slightest whiff that DH may have believed our contraception was potentially compromised, but chose not to give me a heads up so I could make the choices I was more comfortable with in terms of increased risk of preganancy.... the foundation of our relationship would be at risk.

We are a couple, I expect to be able to trust him, particularly when we are at our most intimate, especially with respect to something as life impacting as another baby.

I don't see how changing the gender/form of contraception makes any difference.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/12/2014 15:11

Agreed house

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