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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that messing up the pill is not different to removing a condom halfway through

39 replies

CheeseBuster · 21/12/2014 13:24

Just that really. There seem to be loads of threads where women mess up taking the pill, they skip one or miss the time, then don't tell their partner, have sex and get knocked up.

How is this any different to a guy whipping off the condom halfway through, without your knowledge? Yes I get that accidents happen but if you know you've missed a pill then you know your having unsafe sex that night. Surely you should tell your partner? Like if a guy notices the condom has split he should say, whack on a new one and then you'd be able to think about the morning after pill.

And there is the stupid argument that if he didn't want a baby he should wear a condom. Really? If you told your husband your were on the pill and he still insisted on wearing a condom that wouldn't be odd? He should trust his wife.

OP posts:

scaevola · 21/12/2014 15:36

I don't remember loads of threads condoning deliberate deception about contraceptive status. Well, not sure I can remember any.

I do remember some condemning it. I suppose the different recollections are a reflection of confirmation bias.

In a healthy relationship, a couple decides on their family planning together (ie whether/when to have DC, and contraception that suits both of them the best - or least worst) plus has some idea of what would happen should their planning fail.

Before reaching hat level of trust, then yes it is prudent to take charge of your own method as far as possible and make it as reliable as possible. I'm sure I've seen lots of threads saying just that.

MilkMarketingBoob · 21/12/2014 15:59

We double up pill and condoms, because we are definitely done with having children and really really don't want any more (but GPs talked DH out of vasectomy, I can't have Essure because of nickel sensitivity and having tubes tied is more major surgery than the vasectomy). Not happy with failure rate of either alone.

LetticeKnollys · 21/12/2014 16:13

I think taking off a condom is like the woman deliberately not taking the pill because she wants to get pregnant, both are sneaky although the consequences are more severe if the man does it to the woman as she has to go through pregnancy. A better comparison to a woman not letting her partner know she accidentally forgot the pill that morning would be if the condom broke, the man noticed but the woman didn't and he kept quiet about it.

YvetteChauvire · 21/12/2014 16:24

I agree with MuttersDarkly, wholeheartedly:

If there was ever the slightest whiff that DH may have believed our contraception was potentially compromised, but chose not to give me a heads up so I could make the choices I was more comfortable with in terms of increased risk of preganancy.... the foundation of our relationship would be at risk.

This actually happened to us before we married. He believed the condom had slipped but he had enough respect for me and my right to choose to tell me. I chose to take the morning-after pill.

Fuckmath · 22/12/2014 15:57

Sorry my comment above seems to be wrong - the pills I had stated the more complicated description of what happens when you miss and it definitely was not a risk if you just missed the one and then took it the next day, but apparently others are different!

NewEraNewMindset · 22/12/2014 16:18

Actually I find this offensive. As a woman I am expected to take responsibility, in the main, for contraception. I am expected to take a pill that will change my hormones, an implant - that could get lost in my arm or cause constant bleeding, a coil which needs to be inserted into my cervix and can be incredibly painful to remove or perhaps a diaphragm with spermicide to make sure my partner can have sex unencumbered with no potential to numb his pleasure.

It's bullshit. Yes some women will miss pills in an attempt to force an 'accidental' pregnancy. But the majority of women are trying their best to get through university with good qualifications so they can get a career and a home before they think about having children. So for all those women trying to 'do it right' it would be nice to show a little respect and be bloody thankfully that women have decided to bare the brunt of contraception within a relationship sometimes to the detriment of their well being.

specialsubject · 22/12/2014 16:54

newera What? You're not 'expected' to take the pill or use any other form of hormonal contraception. It's a choice, made as part of an adult relationship. Which should involve teamwork and discussion.

lots of scary ignorance in some of the posts here. The pill only works if taken according to the instructions. The instructions vary from brand to brand.

NewEraNewMindset · 22/12/2014 17:24

Special if we are not 'expected' to be responsible for contraception, regardless of which type and the man in the relationship is not 'keen' to use a condom (which is most men's attitude to putting latex on their cock) then what would you say tends to be the end result of such a conundrum?

I would suggest it's either a baby or no sex or in reality it's the woman owning the situation and finding the less crap method of contraception available. I think giving the 'choice' though we would prefer not to fuck about with our hormones for thirty years and would be pleasantly surprised if the medical community worked on some more contraceptive devices for men.

dexter73 · 22/12/2014 17:27

I stopped taking the pill about 16 years ago. My dh wasn't that keen on using condoms but he has used them ever since as he didn't want to become celibate!

Bulbasaur · 22/12/2014 17:32

The birth control is a minor detail. The crux of this whole scenario is one partner deceiving the other. That's never ok.

You can't have a good relationship that isn't built on total honesty and transparency.

The pill would be a terrible form of BC for me because I'd forget more often than not to take them. So I do the implant. It's permanent and I don't have to think about it. But before then, it was on DH to wear a condom.

naty1 · 22/12/2014 17:37

No glove - no love?
The pill can break relationships with the side effects.

I would go nowhere near a condom refuser.

Bulbasaur · 22/12/2014 17:37

Finding a partner that isn't a nob? That could be a good start.

DH didn't want to wear condoms either. We didn't have sex until he chose to do so. It didn't hurt him any. But in the end I found a BC that didn't mess with my weight and bleeding so we went with that.

Babycham1979 · 22/12/2014 18:06

I don't entirely agree with your analogy OP, but I do think you're right; it is a terrible thing to do.

It has occurred to me before when reading threads in here by women discussing 'accidentally' missing their pill that this is analogous to rape in a way; certainly it's not far from the alleged circumstances surrounding Julian Assange's Swedish charges.

I know it will never happen, but the logical progression from current legislation regarding bodily autonomy and consent is that women should be able to be prosecuted for something like this by the unwitting men involved. If consent has to be absolutely, incontrovertibly explicit for sex, then surely it also does for conception, and anything else is a form of assault.

Incidentally, a man sneakily breaking or removing a condom should also be charged with assault, whether in terms of potentially sharing an STI, or impregnating an unwilling female partner.

naty1 · 22/12/2014 18:12

Certainly if the woman is proven to have lied and never used the coil or pill the man is not responsible - to me. As he thinks the risk is under 10% in a yr when in fact its 20% a month, a huge difference.

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