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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I love my dh and DC, but to admit my ideal Christmas would be spent alone

67 replies

twoopsie · 21/12/2014 08:54

When I was younger I often spend Xmas alone \ with one friend \ doing charity work.

Looking back at this, I know these were the best christmas. No stress, no agro, no rushing around.

I work long hours just to pay the stupidly high mortgage and just want more time to do nothing.

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

twoopsie · 21/12/2014 11:55

I think people are being a bit unfair to the OP. You could do this to any thread -- if you complain about your husband, 'at least you have a husband', if you complain about your job, 'at least you have a job', etc.

Exactly and their point is irrelivant to mine.

Its not like I said I wish my dh and DC would die / leave me so I could have Xmas alone.

OP posts:

drudgetrudy · 21/12/2014 12:00

Not everyone twoopsie-some people get where you are coming from-but I think it touched a raw nerve with people who are feeling sad about enforced loneliness-which actually is a very different thing from your wish to enjoy a bit of peace.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/12/2014 12:05

Urgh. While of course any thread could be de railed by competitive misery, I think I just find the tone of this OP really...distasteful. as pp said, if you don't want to travel 100 s of miles then don't. It's just the " why don't you do charity work " to the bereaved, and your general tone. I dunno. Just makes me a bit..urgh. ( i don't know as many complicated words as some on this thread, sorry!)

Suzannewithaplan · 21/12/2014 12:09

The phrase 'time alone' generally conjures up something good, personal space, time to relax without others making demands on you.

The phrase 'christmas alone' tends to bring forth an entirely different emotional response, it has become emblematic of extreme misfortune, rock bottom, crisis.

of course it doesn't have to be, but it's as if people are so upset by the idea of a solitary christmas that their knee jerk response takes precedent over rational analysis.

I think the notion that someone might choose to be alone upsets us because we immediately feel that they are choosing that thing which is brought to mind by the phrase 'christmas alone' we feel as if they are choosing misery.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/12/2014 12:10

I think maybe it just puts me in mind of two people, I can think of who seem to have so much, and yet always manage to find a negative. One has a lovely home, 2 fab dc, nice husband.

She moans all the time about the big mortgage forcing her to work (she wanted the big house) and how she never gets any alone time. Her husband would be more than willing to cart the kids off to grandma's of a Saturday afternoon so she could chill a bit, but she would never allow this, as she likes moaning about how she is so exhausted, and God forbid anyone be allowed to lighten the load. Perhaps this op just reminds me...

MunningCockery · 21/12/2014 12:14

twoopsie Its just 48 hours surely you can find something you like doing and do it?

No OP, many people won't be able to do that. Those without the options and choices you have may and do suffer immense pain at Christmas (exacerbated by the sheer scale of the vile 'perfect Christmas' advertising etc). What some people WILL do however is commit suicide, as the pain can be simply overwhelming.

I sympathise if you want more 'me' time (vital for own well-being) but think you have been crass beyond crass in the way you have worded your OP and in your subsequent posts, this one in particular:

I have no comprehension of how you could write 'Its not like I said I wish my dh and DC would die' when you KNOW some people reading are in desperate pain precisely due to the agony of bereavement. It just sounds flippant and glib.

Your needs may be justified but your casual and seemingly blind indifference to others is not; can I politely ask that you pause a moment before you type your next post as the one above is - however 'inadvertantly' - callous in the extreme to those in very different situations to yourself.

CinnabarRed · 21/12/2014 12:28

I'm an introvert and regularly crave solitude - if you're an introvert you just do, no matter how lucky you are with your family circumstances.

I think a weekend alone with thermos of soup, and long walk, and fire, and bubble bath sounds lovely. But - and I'm guessing here, so apologies if I'm not on the mark - some of the posters on here could (and possibly do) exactly that kind of thing every weekend of the year. Maybe every day of the year. So it's not something special anymore. It's a reminder that they're alone. And Christmas can be particularly lonely, purely because there are absolutely no other options.

OP, the trick that works for me is to carve out some alone time over the Christmas period. You'll need some help from your DH to make it happen - but go for that walk, have that bath, light that fire after the children are in bed. Double lucky for me, my DH is an extrovert and is always happy to take our DSs for an hour so I can have some time to myself.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 21/12/2014 12:28

twoopsie while I'm sure you didn't post to be hurtful, the last sentence of your most recent post comes across as quite cruel.

BigBoobiedBertha · 21/12/2014 12:32

Some people are taking this way to personally. The OP is talking for herself and she isn't unreasonable to feel like this. She isn't say that everybody should want to be alone so why are people telling her how she should feel? A lot of people don't want a house full of relatives and noise and work. It isn't everybody's ideal.

Asking how she would feel if her family were to die or to leave her is it totally missing the point and a bit cruel. It is more about remembering other Christmases that she enjoyed and being a bit wistful. This is AIBU because we aren't supposed to feel fine about being alone and the OP is saying it can be fine and enjoyable and all the rest of it and is asking if she is wrong to have enjoyed it. She had resisted being sucked into the commercial Christmas when she was alone but having a family now makes it difficult to resist. The simplicity of a Christmas alone, if you reject the commercial model, can have its appeal.

And I don't find the OP crass at all but the projections some of you are making on the OP are. She didn't start her OP by telling people they should do charity work - that was a response to those who tried to tell her her life was all wrong and she should have been miserable when she was alone for Christmas. She wasn't miserable because she was doing something she wanted to do and was suggesting it to those who were complaining how awful being alone is, which is can be, I wouldn't minimise those feelings either, but some of you need to take a step back and realise that we are all different and there is no right way to have Christmas.

CinnabarRed · 21/12/2014 12:40

Actually, my initial sympathy with the OP is fading with each of her posts.

paperlace · 21/12/2014 12:40

I started reading this thread thinking posters were being unfair to OP, but I don't anymore - are you trying to hurt and wind people up Twoosie? Why would you say 'it'snot as if I wish my dc and dh would die'? What a terribly clumsy and glib thing to say - or was it intentionally bald?

Original poster

twoopsie · 21/12/2014 12:43

I said that as a joke, as some people are reacting as if I said that.

Anyway successfully derailed and turned into something I didn't mean at all.

OP posts:

paperlace · 21/12/2014 12:45

No you just don't get it. It's not a joke to people ok? You are a very crass person.

CinnabarRed · 21/12/2014 13:18

We all knew what you meant, thank you.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 21/12/2014 13:31

Oh for goodness sakes, enough with the... OP, you've been really insensitive blah blah blah.

The entire premise of the thread is encapsulated in the thread title. So if you thought you were to be offended by the thread, why the hell open it up?

I don't agree with the OP, I have just come back from a mad morning at a dear friend's house. Children everywhere. Our children ( 2 and 4) madly running about for two hours. But I loved every moment. Something totally joyous about it. My dearest friends and my family... All together, soaked in mulled wine and mine pies. My idea of heaven. Others of hell. Others want what I have, others don't. That's life.

paperlace · 21/12/2014 13:53

You clearly haven't read the whole thread or read the posts of bereft people on here, 1981.

The tone of the OP's posts are insulting. From 'do charity work' do the hilarious 'I didn't say I wanted them to die'.

We are not stupid and we all understand the longing for peace and quiet and the frustration/stress of families and Christmas at times, that's not what people are taking offence at.

Adarajames · 21/12/2014 15:08

If anyone is in SE London, I know of a couple of places that are still looking for help in Christmas Day, and Crisis still needs volunteers, especially at night in the residential centres, so if anywhere in London, please do get in touch.

There are lots of smaller local places also needin help with events / winter night shelters over Christmas so Google for ones in your area. It's not stress free necessarily, but it is good fun, rewarding and a great group of people to work with and guests who are so pleased to just have a real conversation with you rather than worrying the next interaction will be someone kicking or spitting on them

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