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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lock him out if he's drunk.

70 replies

ChristmasCrackerPop · 20/12/2014 22:50

DH doesn't drink much, when he does he's a nasty drunk and usually can't resist vomiting over the bedroom carpets.

We've not got on well lately due to me having an amino and him being unsupportive and uncaring. I'm going alone on Monday as he forgot to ask work if he could take 1hr off.

He's at his works do tonight, he's promised he won't drink but subconsciously i know he will. His last works do (last year) he didn't come home all night, when he came back at 7am he had no boxers, socks or jumper and said he had broken into his mums place (she hasn't spoken to him for 2 years!!) and claimed he had been spiked and started crying. Who knows...

But WIBU to lock him out if he is drunk, I can't deal with the nasty comments tonight. The 2 cars on the drive are open for him to sleep in.

OP posts:
Number11 · 20/12/2014 23:32

I wouldn't hesitate to lock him out. Why should you have to put up with hi being abusive, nasty and disgustingly disrespectful to you and your home?

I'll go one further. If he came home drunk to my house he'd be leaving for good. He knows it's unacceptable to you BEFORE he starts drinking and there's no excuse. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 20/12/2014 23:33

Well before I was told about the downs results he was actually really lovely to me the rest of the time. He can be a pain when drunk but that's most men, just now he's being nasty all the time when I need him the most.

We tried for this baby, for months. I wasn't trying to bring a baby into this mess...

OP posts:
Froggio · 20/12/2014 23:34

I wouldnt lock him out of his own house but I would seriously consider if this is how you really want things to be in your life. If your relationship is worth saving I would have a serious conversation about this when he's sober - can he really still get this drunk, even if it is once in blue moon, especially with a baby on the way?

SouthBySouthWest · 20/12/2014 23:34

My DH was at the work xmas night out last night. He was home by 11.30 and not drunk. We have 2 small children, so he knows the score.

He has spent today trying to make me feel better as I am struggling at this time of year (grieving).

That is a husband.

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 20/12/2014 23:35

Sorry to hear you are grieving South. And what a wonderful DH you have :-)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/12/2014 23:37

He can be a pain when drunk but that's most men

No it isn't, although I agree that most drunk people can be a pain.

This is obviously a much bigger problem than his one a year Christmas do and his drinking.

But I think locking him out will cause you much bigger problems, particularly if he wakes the neighbours and they call the Police.

Legally you cannot lock someone out of their own home for being drunk and potentially sick, unless they are threatening you.

CurlyWurlyCake · 20/12/2014 23:37

Do you think he isn't handling the new news of downs? Maybe thinks it is your fault, hence behaving like a tosser?

Have the hospital offered support whilst you both deal with your new news?

My husband couldn't cope with our MCs x too many, he was a total arse and we have no dealt with all of that.

You still need to feel safe though.

You should be able to call him and find out what is going on, the last thing you need right now is staying up waiting for him.

lollygagger · 20/12/2014 23:38

My dh got drunk on occasion (he stopped because he hates hangovers) and was never ever nasty or horrible. He was more likely to drive me insane with some ham fisted groping and then fall asleep on me. You're making excuses for behaviour that is not healthy. You might benefit from counselling, whether it's on your own or with your H.

BOFster · 20/12/2014 23:38

I'd put something over the sofa to cover it, leave a blanket and pillow (and a bowl and large glass of water), text him now and say neutrally that if he's likely to be pissed would he sleep there.

I can't think of anything more likely to enrage a drunk and disturb your neighbours than locking the front door- it is almost guaranteed to inflame the situation and create drama.

Don't make him sleep drunk in the car in the dead of winter- I knew a woman who did this last year and died of hypothermia.

You have issues to address with him, clearly, but do it when he's sober.

SouthBySouthWest · 20/12/2014 23:39

X-post. No, that's not most men. Sorry, you have a defective one. He needs a reality check.

Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 20/12/2014 23:39

He wouldn't phone the police, and our neighbours wouldn't be able to hear him knock anyway.

Ok. I will let him stroll in whenever he fancies then, just wanted to show him that I'm not being a door mat. He made a promise and he's not even kept to it, there's no point talking to him tomorrow - he doesn't listen to my point of view when I'm annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasCrackerPop · 20/12/2014 23:41

Yes he does think the downs is my fault, he said it's the egg that usually causes these kind of things. And said lucky we tried when we did or God only knows what my eggs would be like.

OP posts:
zaracharlotte · 20/12/2014 23:41

I agree with pp. Tonnes of men aren't abusive when drunk. Mine is extra cuddly and loving, holds on to me too tightly in bed and declares love over enthusiastically. It's the abusive behaviour that needs changing/leaving here.

It is completely reasonable to have too much to drink once per year. It is never reasonable to abuse your partner.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2014 23:43

You need to have a massive discussion with him

Locking a drunken person out of their home so they sleep in a car in December, is potentially very dangerous so I'm glad you've decided not to do it.

Try not to focus on the alcohol and focus instead on your marriage problems.

Good luck xx

SouthBySouthWest · 20/12/2014 23:49

Aww Christmas this is a bigger issue. That is such a horrible thing for him say. I just can't get my head around it.

Your eggs are not the problem. Seriously. What an awful thing to say.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 23:49

I wouldn't advise locking him out of the house, because he might actually die (depending on where you live and how cold it gets). Can you lock or shut him out of the bedroom ie leave a blanket and a note on the sofa?
And then on Monday morning, start getting legal advice on how to end this marriage, because it sounds awful. Talk to Women's AId and a solicitor and decide what to do based on the advice they give you.

CurlyWurlyCake · 20/12/2014 23:52

Doesn't help you but he sounds like he is struggling. Are the hospital offering help, would he take it?

Get some sleep and let him deal with his own mess in the morning.

Inertia · 20/12/2014 23:53

I wouldn't lock him out.

I would call the police if he comes home and is abusive.

You could perhaps get an airbed out and make a bed with old pillows and blankets in the hallway? If he gets that drunk he might well sleep in the first bed he sees.

I think you need to consider your marriage and your future. Nobody should be subjected to blame and vile comments, let alone when they are pregnant, vulnerable and struggling to deal with sensitive news about the pregnancy. It doesn't sound as though he will be any more supportive at any point in the future.

SouthBySouthWest · 20/12/2014 23:57

How are you and how are you feeling? Any news from the OH?

Sn00p4d · 20/12/2014 23:58

I'm so sorry.
He sounds like a prize dick. Even if he's not coping with the news it's not ok to take it out on you. I'm 31 weeks and they've been the worst weeks of my life so far, I'm not having an easy pregnancy and I couldn't have done it on my own, you need support, not this shite.

pregnantpause · 20/12/2014 23:59

Lock him out for how he's treated you and what he's said. In other words LTB. Don't lock him out to teach him a lesson. It won't teach him anything- it will give him ammo to use against you if you let him back in in the morning .

ouryve · 21/12/2014 00:04

It's a mild night. I'd be sorely tempted.

What he's said about the potential downs is awful. Firstly, it's not even guaranteed that your baby is affected, anyhow. Secondly, blaming you is fucking ridiculous and unhelpful. Thirdly, it's really not the end of the world if your baby does turn out to have it.

So sorry he's being such a dickhead to you about it at such a worrying time for youFlowers

ouryve · 21/12/2014 00:08

And agreeing with inertia - makeshift bed on the floor. And see this as a turning point, whatever that is going to involve.

DixieNormas · 21/12/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleSwift · 21/12/2014 00:16

Tbh yes I think yabu. I think yabr in. It wanting him there but you should have discussed it before he went out and at least made sure he could stop in a travelodge/friends for the night. But overall he sounds like a twat