AIBU to think I'll be stuck in the house forever?!

[Binglesplodge]

My DS is 9 weeks and I'm starting to try to get the day into some sort of predictable routine as he is pretty much refusing to nap in the day and is getting very upset and overtired as a result.

The more I read about routines (I'm leaning towards Baby Whisperer) the more I don't understand how we're ever going to be able to leave the house! If all naps are to be taken in his crib and awake time is to be limited to 90 mins or so, then I don't see how we can even get to the postnatal class I've booked, or to the mum and baby group at the health visitor clinic as both of those would be excursions that would take far longer than the "allowed" waking period... How do you do it? Do we stay at home for the next several months so that he can nap on schedule? I'm finding the baby groups etc vital for keeping me cheerful by letting me chat to other mums. If he's supposed to always sleep in his crib I can't even see how we could go out for a walk on a nice day as it would have to be a very short one!

Help! I'm a first time mum and I pretty much feel like I'm flailing around trying to work out how to spend the day and get him to nap...

bingles I know EXACTLY what you are going through...my DD is 7 weeks and exactly the same as yours.... I have a thread running at the moment you may find useful to read ("to be confused about parenting advice")

No solutions here I'm afraid but lots of sympathies!! My DD won't sleep either!!

A DF of mine followed the BW and it was a nightmare.
She ran out of appts, groups, parties etc all because her baby would only sleep in his cot.
She was in a real panic if she spent 2 minutes into nap time at the supermarket or shopping centre.

It turned into a complete nightmare for her.
Babies are adaptable and designed to sleep on the hoof.
They would be close to the mother usually and go where they did.

He sounds like there is another issue- cranky sounds like colic or reflux .
DS was a cranky nightmare until I started him on Infacol
He could have won awards for "Farty baby "

I had a non-napper and constant feeder. Bit of a nightmare so I feel for you! I don't remember DS napping in his cot for months. If you had a great reliable routine which made you feel better and gave you plenty of time to yourself as long as you stayed at home so was a bit isolating but reassuring, then why not, but it sounds as if your choice is between getting out and about a bit for your sanity, or staying at home with the non-sleeping, crying baby all day. In those circs I would definitely go out! Walking with the buggy is best because I found at least the crying didn't sound so loud and awful in the street (!) and I felt less self-conscious/useless than you do with a wailing baby in a cafe or whatever. Get a coffee cup holder for the buggy and try putting your trainers on so you can walk really briskly. DS quite liked a really bumpy ride. The plus side of groups is that sometimes someone else will randomly have the magic touch and he'll stop crying if you pass him over! And also you can at least talk to some other adults.

Is he growing OK? If so, so definitely no real feeding problem and he's just v. hungry/sucky (like DS was) you could try a dummy if you haven't already, that helped us a lot; we also did a bit of mix feeding from early on because I found the relentless breastfeeding v. demoralising so DH would do an evening feed every other day or so. Lovely! And they do sleep a bit better/longer after formula, it sort of weighs them down I think.

But don't despair. This is one of the toughest points, and a lot of the people making it sound easy just had much easier babies. DS is 2 now and he is a really lovely and easy toddler if that's any consolation!

"Farty baby" stopped being cranky at exactly 16 weeks.
He has been an angel ever since - now age 17 and the sweetest lad you can imagine

Interestingly my 2 best sleepers so far have been DC 3 and 4 with whom doing any type of 'sleep in the crib between x and y time' type of routine would have been completely impossible.

DC4 just does his thing, sleep or not sleep in the sling wherever we are. I would bin the book and get out and about.

I was worried about a lack of routine with DC2, another Mum pointed out to me that even my lack of routine would have a sort of pattern to it that my baby would find comforting.

Parenting advice is ridiculously confusing. Trust your instincts. Your friend will find one way works wonders for her but you will think that she must be mad to do it that way and vice versa.

Oh and if feeding to sleep is the thing that works, I really really would not worry about that at 9 weeks. It's normal surely? All the 'learning to self-settle' stuff can come later, it sounds like he (like DS) needs to learn how to settle/wind down at all, even with your help, before he can possibly begin to do it for himself!

Mine is a pram/car crier - will still (at 5 months) only nap in his Moby Wrap or Ergo. He used to resist it a bit and I would have to pace up and down or go for a very brisk walk outside, but now he had found his thumb he will drop off of I just mill around the house a bit. He also cried a lot at 9 weeks but I did feel it was just exhaustion by the end of the day - Google 'PURPLE crying' which explains that some babies cry a lot & for no reason (grew out of it at about 3.5 months). I also found a 90 minute awake time, with starting to walk 15 mins before the end very useful. Oh and loud white noise on my phone. Good luck, I'm sure you're doing an amazing job!

Throw the book out of the window. I'm sure the extreme routine works for some, but it doesn't for other, so don't be afraid of trying something different.

Do you have a proper lie flat pram? Get out for walks, even if its just around the block. If he falls asleep, fine. If not, go home and try him there.

The baby whisperer was pretty damaging for me when DD was tiny. She expects everyone to have a nanny to come in and take over every afternoon so you can nap, FFS! Do not believe one method will work for all. You cannot make a rod for your own back when your child is 9 weeks old! (9 months, perhaps, at a push).

I got DD to take her short day time naps by any means possible, mainly by long walks in the pram or car journeys. It was not like that for long even though the baby whisperer insisted I was doing it all wrong

"I'm a first time mum"

Exactly. Do you think parents with older kids take any notice of this sort of nonsense, or do you think they're too busy taking them to school and playgroup?

Throw away the book and do what works for you.

Totally agree green
if you have older DC its impossible to follow the BW as you are out and about taking DC to school or nursery.

Unless you have an army of helpers its ridiculous and quite frankly ridiculous pressure on parents.
Im sure "Nanny" could achieve that if you live in the 1950s but for parents who live a normal life and have more than one child its isolating and getting babies into a rigid habit is not really helpful unless you never want to go out ever again !

I fed my sleep resistant babies to sleep every time because it worked. It was far, far easier and quicker than trying to get them to self settle. Once they got older, they naturally grew out of needing to be fed to be able to settle, and then we developed a new routine. There is honestly NOTHING wrong with feeding a baby to sleep.

Do not try to follow a routine from a book.

When it comes to babies I find that books rarely have the answer (in my opinion and experience of course!)

You are not doing baby any favours by limiting where they sleep - I have never understood the logic of limiting naps to crib / cot in complete darkness as it means that is how your child will become conditioned to sleep and yes you will find yourself housebound.

Baby probably picking up on your stress angst over why is baby not sleeping

Try it this weekend - out for a morning walk with baby get yourself a newspaper magazine & a coffee walk around the block get baby some fresh air. Dummy also may help. Bring a bottle with you just in case. So you feel prepared.

Hopefully baby sleeps in buggy...

But if not Then go home short playtime sing with baby have yourself some lunch and hold sway baby to settle with dummy in or give a bottle while it's in buggy and cover front of buggy with a blanket like a curtain (this helps block out any visual stimulation)

The movement should rock baby to sleep

If no luck with that be prepared to go out again walking fresh air or rain cover on and just pick up a pint of milk or some chocolate! They should sleep this time if not both other times!

Then home give them dinner around 4.30pm then stories then bathtime 5pm ish then bed around 6 /6.30

Small steps - there is no one correct way just learn to read your baby good luck

I had the exact same problem, DD wouldn't go more than 90-120 mins between feeds and was never a good napper so I'd end up feeling stuck in our room. I'd manage to get out of the house for a bit during the day and my MIL had the brass nerve to tell me that I was "damaging my baby's health" by not getting out enough! In the long term it doesn't matter if they fall asleep in the cot at that age, just try getting out of the house for your own sanity.

That sounds incredibly regimented! Just go with the flow and don't worry about fixed nap times. Go out when you want to go out. They tend to sleep in car seats and slings anyway.

(I got out by being back at work by 9 weeks which also works very well (and you can then leave it to the child minder/nanny or nursery to deal with naps and get your life back))

I really wouldn't stress at 9 weeks - just keep the daytime bright and nighttime dark and quiet - wound myself in knots about it - IMO as long as they don't get over tired or over stimulated all is good whether the nap is in the pram or the car - eg I would let ds nap in the car or pram on the way somewhere, spend time - if longer than 1.5 hours then nap in pram and time return journey for a nap time.

Ps I had a Velcro baby and lots of naps were on me and in the end co sleeping is what worked for me - loads more sleep all round (double mattress for me and ds on his bedroom floor and planned co sleeping so took all precautions)

I'm no expert (FTM to 16 week old DS), but I was also desperate for a routine a few weeks ago! It took some trial and error, but I eventually realised (after some tips on here) that DS needs a nap after 1.5-2 hours of awake time, and that he will never sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time (unless on a long car journey).

So it's not a fixed routine, but based on this he gets 4 naps a day, in either the cot or car/pram/sling if we are out. There is enough flexibility to manipulate the nap times a bit to fit what we want to do that day. Eg. I generally plan car journeys roughly at nap times as he will almost always go to sleep immediately if he has been awake for an hour or more.

Naps in the cot are a new thing in the past 3 weeks or so. As a newborn, he napped mainly on us, or occasionally in the sling. From about 10 weeks he tolerated being transferred to the Moses basket. From about 13 weeks, I realised he needed a quieter place to sleep at home, so started transferring him to the cot instead (took a few days for him to get used to it). Now I am working on putting him down slightly awake after feeding/rocking. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Sometimes the out-of-house naps can be disturbed and might only be 20-30 minutes, but equally sometimes you get a bonus nap after only 30 minutes of awake time! Either way I haven't had any problems. We are usually at home for the first and last nap of the day.

I had the baby whisperer. dd was not a baby whisperer baby. honestly, just go with the flow... if he is hungry and crying for food, feed he may need more food, or the comfort of mum. maybe he is poor at feeding for oe reason or another. (turns out dd is hypermobile and poor muscle tone so slow at feeding) if you want to go out, do so, experiment with slings and pushchairs to find what works for you and your baby.

my high needs baby has turned into an excellent sleeper. but oh it was a killer at the time. be grateful though that the high needs baby is the first... much more difficult if it is the second and you have a toddler too. my second was regulation text book four hour feeding and napping. thought there was something wrong with him as he slept so much and fed so little compared to my first.

I used to find mine napped for longer at a young age if it was earlier. So up feed etc, go for a walk about 10 with the pram, baby falls asleep, home, let baby sleep in pram.

After a couple of weeks of this just put baby in bed at this time to nap.

HTH

My DS was like this, and I worked out that he was cold. One day after he screamed for an hour I put him in a snowsuit and into his pram ready to go out. He fell asleep while I nipped to the loo. I had been so panicked about overheating him that he was freezing.

My DD needed a nap 90 mins from getting up in the morning, I could set my watch by it.

It took me weeks to work it out,

When mine were newborn baby and just would just not settle, I would fed/change and put them in their rocking chair in front of the dishwasher and/or washing machine. Asleep in under five minutes for two solid hours, I literally wept with joy.

I can remember Classic FM used to do the same..

There's a saying 'there were babies before clocks'. Totally agree with fur coat.

I've a 18 week old DC & only very loosely seen a routine emerge around 8/9 wks, coincidentally when started getting bathed every night & sleeping 8/10 hrs at night.
The only thing I can guarantee is that after first change & fed at 8/830am they will nap. Could be 40mins or 2 hrs. Usually one more nap which could be at any time between 2pm & 6pm & for any duration but I generally wake them no later than 6.30pm. Goes down for the night anytime between 8pm/10pm. Fights sleep sthing shocking throughout the day.

If I had plans I just did them - might have turned up late if they were having a gd sleep but that's it. I bought no book & was / am totally baby lead & it works.

For someone that's so efficient & organised it's been hard but I was so lazy during pregnancy (sick) I've adapted well!! Please do not worry or stress yourself out. Go with your instinct & your baby demands & all will be well.