To be disappointed that "sorry" hasn't helped in the least?

[StillReallySad]

Serial name changer. Sorry.

Yesterday Finally had enough money for waxing. I have visited the same place every 3-4 months for the last 3 years. They do walk ins which is idea for me although I have never had the same beautician more than once. It's a local chain and I think they switch staff around a bit.

I'm in the therapy room awaiting my 1/2 leg and Hollywood, pants off and covered in the. chocolate wax stuff that needs to harden on my crotch area, legs akimbo whilst she attacks my legs. So far so good. Loving the multitasking efficiency and I tell her as much.

She is chatting away making small talk which is fine. She is speaking a little fast and very heavily accented so I can't pick up every single word. She starts to say about the types of ladies who come to her for waxing. She looks at me and asks me to move and bend my knee.

"Ooh chubby girl"
"Sorry, did you just call me a chubby girl?"
"Ya! Chubby girl" big grin

I'm really upset.

All I wanted to do was get out of there. If I hadn't had wax on my whole groin I would have just walked out.
So I bit my lip and tried to ignore.

After a few really tense minutes she tried to pass it off as a joke etc. I wasn't having it. I'm upset and paranoid and really really paranoid. I'm 5ft8 a 12/14 with an F cup. I'm not as skinny as I wish I was.

She hit the weakest part of me. I am a strong person. I can deal with crowds and heckling and it doesn't bother me what people say. I didn't know what to do. I complain when complaint is necessary but this just destroyed me.

She did a really good job on the whole waxing front but I'm just really really upset.

I was full on legs akimbo, knees bent, half naked and totally "vulnerable"

She also laughed when I said that I didn't want my top lip done whilst she was doing my eyebrows. I know they have to try to up sell but a snort of derision and giggle does not help when the customer already said no.

Worst thing? Worse than being called chubby when half naked and desperately trying to pretend you're not bothered and carrying on with small talk and not crying? Worse than being laughed at because your top lip is fine in your opinion?

I tipped her.

Because that's how I was expected to behave, I'm too stupid not to and she was telling the truth anyway.

I am so so upset over this. I have cried for almost the last 24 hours on and off. I am massively insecure. I am terrified about starting shopping for my wedding dress for summer already and now I can't contemplate it. She didn't know that. That's not her fault

DP is furious. He went to the salon today and ultimately, I have to go back for a refund and an apology tomorrow. They offered a massage too but I will not be undressing for any non medical professional ever again.

Refund and an apology.
So why do I feel just as horrendous as I did yesterday?

I feel absolutely no better. I'm still stupidly upset because a slim woman who saw me half naked called me chubby.

Back when I first met DH, I was talking to FIL and he grabbed some tummy fat, jiggled it, and said "getting a little tummy?" thinking it was funny. I cried, DH just about killed him, and FIL has never brought up my weight again. His defense was "It's funny because she's skinny!". I was not skinny at the time either, I was overweight from end of term late night studying fueled by junk food.

Anyway, your DP sounds ace. I'd try to shrug it off best you can and just keep on keeping on.

Sorry, I went to see a panto with my friends. It was really really nice to spend an evening laughing and I love following our Christmas traditions(!)

I'm doing ok thank you.

I really really appreciate your comments. In answer you your questions, the beautician was Indian. UK. I think her second language was Gujarati. So not the sort of language barriers you ladies have been anticipating.

In mainland China chubby and busty equals desirable (not obese, just chubby) whereas thin people are seen as poor/hungry/unattractive. Just saying if she was Chinese/Malaysian it may have been a compliment even though she didn't argue her case when challenged.

sorry cross posted as haven't seen your last comment. It's of course similar in India, i.e. thin is not attractive while curvy is!

To me, chubby is quite complimentary.

I think you over reacted and must be very over sensitive to have cried over this. It was a harmless and probably complimentary comment.
I can't believe in a million years your dp went to complain on your behalf.

I was in Vietnam when I was 19 weeks pregnant.

People were constantly touching my stomach (not v pregnant looking, just solid) and telling me that I have a lot of weight.

I think in some cultures weight comments are OK...bit like we might say ' your hair is gorgeous and curly'.
The beauty person needs to learn but I would take it with a pinch of salt and assign it to 'things which do not easily transcend cultural boundaries'

In the nicest possible way, you do need to toughen up a bit I'm afraid. If you can't then rule out SE Asia and the Middle East for your honeymoon- some personal gems from personal experience as 5ft 7 and 140 lbs.

"Missy, missy, you come in. We have big size. Will fit even you"

"Hello ma'am. I remember you. You friend of Sarah. Yes, Sarah lost lot of weight. She used to be fat. Even bigger than you."

or, my favourite

"Oh, you're going to the gym. Good idea because you're fatter than before."

Your OH sounds ace! For what it is worth I too would have been upset and for the same length of time as you. Sometimes comments just haunt you for longer than you would like or longer than seems logical to tougher souls. Mind you I reckon some of the 'toughies' would actually have wept had it actually been them

OP, I would have been completely humiliated by that too - especially at
such a vulnerable time. :(

Re Wedding dresses, I had exactly the same anxieties as you. But, after being scared off at a couple of snooty wedding dress shops, I went somewhere like this (I'd have said it was a Berketex sale but I believe I went to Grantham, which I can't see listed).

It was so much fun! I went with my best friend (who also tried on dresses for solidarity) and you get given tickets and then wait for your turn to go into the warehouse (so its not too crowded) where all the dresses are on racks by size (from recollection the racks went up to a size 18, and there were masses of 12-14s, which I wanted too). You look through and select dresses - I think 3 or 4 at a time - and then wait at a curtained off, carpeted, area where there are big mirrors and friendly ladies waiting to help you try on the dresses.

I tried on several dresses and found an amazing one (I'd originally wanted ballerina style tulle, but this was slightly corseted and went down to a point in front, which was more flattering), which I'd seen in various places for £799 (down from £1999), but the one I tried on was marked at £199! The ladies did a double-take when I went to pay. So I got a great bargain and the day was exciting and fun instead of stressful.

Hope that helps - having a wedding dress I was confident in made a massive difference to my confidence on my wedding day.

Idiot dh and aggressive, she was naked with her legs apart. So very difficult to toughen up to any comments about your body in that situation imo

I have an ED (and on second pregnancy, which is equally wonderful and horrifying) and this would also floor me, I would have reacted exactly the same as you.

But, BUT you must consider- if she had said this to you at your smallest (and let's face it, people say all kinds of crazy shit at various different times- invariably it is THEIR issue, not YOUR issue) you would feel JUST as bad.

So does it matter?

Does your size matter?

Not really.

When I got married, I booked a personal shopper and explained my sensitivity towards weight and size and had the best experience. I'm a petite size 8/10 when healthy now, and find that 'huge' at times, even in recovery, and clothes shopping is vile- I feel short and stumpy and think 'if only I was taller so I could carry extra weight more easily'. It's all bollocks.

Go dress shopping, get your refund and embrace your health. Mental and physical health matters more than anything else.

What oswellkettle said - try to get some self-confidence.

Looks are so fucking transient it makes me cross (not with you OP) that we place so much emphasis on them. There must be so many more reasons for you being wonderful than just your size. I know people that are size 12 that have areas that are chubby; hips, tummy etc. they all look beautiful.

How horrible, I'm sorry she upset you.

My mother is Asian and she is terrible for calling people chubby. I've told her time and time again that it's just inappropriate over here and people do not appreciate it, but her excuse is that it's her culture. She's been here for over 30 years, she should respect the fact we don't talk about weight!

Gujarati?
Way back, when I was a tiny size 8 and looked like a bundle of twigs in my 20s, I was teaching in N London in a lovely school.
One parent became a friend, and after a few months she said ' No, no, you are too thin. You'll never get a husband. I'll help'
Cue her bringing me a home-made packed lunch, just like the ones she brought her daughters. Heavy on the samosas and pakorahs and yummy stuff.
The fact that I married my long term partner at the end of the year, she took as proof, despite the fact that I was still tiny and had my wedding dress designed so that my lack of curves was disguised.
Thirty years later, I'm far more...substantial.
But she, along with many others in the Indian/Pakistani community definitely equated having curves with being womanly and a good thing.
I'm betting your OH loves you and your curves, exactly the way you are.

Oh, and when I had a baby, the constant cries of 'Ohh fat baby' 'chubby cheeks' and admiring pats were also something I had to deal with.
Because again, it was seen as a good thing.

Thank you so so much for so much support. I am making notes of all of these bridal shops and recommendations, DP is taking my card back to the salon today to get the refund put on and I am going to eat something today because you're all right, he loves me just the way I am and health is more important.

Thank you

I can see why it struck a nerve but I also think you need to toughen up a bit. You sound an ideal size for your height. Even if you aren't then it's good to be comfortable in your own skin. Why do you feel the need to be perfect? That way, madness lies. Please be kind to yourself. Enjoy your wedding day shopping.

if shes taken the trouble to learn a second language and then move overseas AnD get a customer facing role, youd think shed have worked out that its a massive cultural no-no to call your customers fat or comment on their body like that.

It isn't as easy as 'toughening up a bit'.

If you have a history of ED, you face body criticism all around you, at every stage of your life. During weddings, people think nothing of asking about wedding diets, during pregnancy your body is public discussion, after childbirth you encounter losing your baby weight 'advice' from every fucker you meet. It's excruciating. You have to develop coping strategies. I'd strongly recommend starting therapy again if you have stopped. I would be utterly lost without mine.

Sorry- that should say 'if you have had an ED it can feel like you're in a war zone when you face the body criticism all around you'

I'm another one who is just plain sad that you felt upset and cowed by this, rather than just annoyed.

The beautician was unprofessional and you deserved your refund, its a shame that your dh had to get that for you.

You say she was "heavily accented" - does that mean English is not her first language? If so, to describe someone as chubby might not be quite the same insult as it is in the UK.

I wish you would go and get your own refund!! It would be brilliant if you could manage that.

It's wrong for her to comment about body size, thin or fat.
But YABU to be upset by this.
And if it is because of a background in ED then she couldn't possibly know that .
I just hope she doesn't lose her job.

On the subject of feeling too fat to wear a wedding dress, etc., I used to be quite down on myself and a lovely friend of mine got upset after another fat comment and said "Every time you say those things it makes me feel like you think I'm a liar." I was surprised and asked what she meant so she said "I've always told you you're gorgeous, a lovely weight etc and you just don't believe me. It makes me feel like you think I think all these nasty things about you, like you're putting words in my mouth."
When I told DH about this conversation (which ended a bit awkwardly) he agreed with her, and said that it did annoy him that I seemed to speak for him, believing that he thought all these horrible things about me (that I was fat, not normal, etc.) when he didn't.
I was a bit flummoxed at the time but it did make me think.

Your DP wants to marry you, he loves you. Every time you put yourself down you're devaluing that love and saying what he loves is worthless. Trust him when he says he thinks you're great, he's not lying.

Sweetheart, size 12-14 and a F-cup - that's me! I don't think I'm overweight, they are curves. Yanbu never go there again.