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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked at Chairman's question?

71 replies

Blankiefan · 17/12/2014 21:57

I was making polite chat today in the Christmas Lunch queue with the chairman of our company. Have never met him before and he doesn't know me. I'm a senior manager but not senior enough to be on his radar.

Chatting about Xmas and I mentioned having had a baby last year so had to be organised this year. Later in the chat he asked "so, where's the baby whilst you're at work?".

Clearly he wouldn't ask a bloke that. I'm irked - nothing more; but definitely irked... AIBU?

OP posts:
Primafacie · 18/12/2014 00:44

I am engaging with your points. I am also pointing out that the medium is the message, and that your style affects how impactful your delivery is, and not in a positive way. You may think you are oh so savvy, knowing how important the Chairman is - but you only sound subservient and silly. The vulgarity adds nothing to it.

Don't worry so much about my bottom, or anyone else's for that matter. Thanks for the biscuit though; I'm surprised you found time to bake it. Who looks after your children while you're here? Oh wait...

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2014 04:58

There are all sorts of other questions he could have asked if he wanted to show an interest in the baby - eg how old, boy or girl, what's his/her name?

Yet he chose to enquire about her childcare arrangements...

Daisy17 · 18/12/2014 05:13

I hear you, OP. They are only being polite but the underlying assumption does irk. And not because he's a man. I'm a teacher and was at a school evening function when DS was about six months old. A lovely mum was chatting to me and asked "so who's looking after baby, then?" I did a polite version of "Erm well his OTHER parent?!" and moved on. But it still irks to this day. And she would NOT have asked this of a man despite the fact she may well have asked him how his new baby was.

Mehitabel6 · 18/12/2014 06:07

I think people overanalyse. I don't see why he wouldn't ask a man when most mothers are working these days.

DixieNormas · 18/12/2014 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2014 08:12

He wasn't asking about the baby though, was he? He specifically asked about her childcare arrangements.

And people are naïve if they can't see the link between attitudes like this and the lack of women in senior management roles in comparison to men.

This is the reason I wouldn't have come out with that comment to the chairperson in the first place though (have to be organised because you have a baby). You have, rightly or wrongly, now been labelled in his eyes as working mum instead of senior manager of x department.

UncleT · 18/12/2014 08:16

He definitely wouldn't ask a man that? Please let me know where you buy your crystal balls.

Taz1212 · 18/12/2014 08:17

Good grief. It was polite conversation. You brought up having a baby- it's a fairly logical question to ask given that the baby is obviously not with you at work. He could have just as easily asked a man ("Oh, you have a baby- is your wife still on maternity leave" etc). I think some people are overly sensitive these days. YABU

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2014 08:20

UncleT - if you'd read my earlier post, you'd see that I've been in several business situations as the only mum who has been asked "who's looking after your kids".

Let's flip it on its head then and ask people to post about times you (if you're male) or your partner (if he's male) have been asked that question.

paxtecum · 18/12/2014 08:28

Op: you also mentioned that you had to be organised this year because you have had a baby.
Presumably you were referring to xmas.
Do you mean you and DP have had to be organised or just you?
Who has organised gifts cards and food in your house?

Maybe soon , we will all stop talking to each other for fear of offending.

Fluffyears · 18/12/2014 08:32

Erm I've asked these questions before because I'm interested in how people balance children and work as it's a hard job these days. He may have been the same and also it helps open up the 'flexible' hours question.

BackforGood · 18/12/2014 08:44

Blimey Prima - I'm glad I don't work in your company. I think there's not only a place for 'small talk' / 'friendly bit of conversation' in the workplace, but that it makes for a much nicer place to work. It's nice that the Chairman of a big company takes his turn in the lunch queue and chats with staff he doesn't normally come into contact with.
OP
If a person leads the conversation with a remark about their new baby, it's a perfectly reasonable (interested without being too intrusive) follow up question to ask about their childcare ~ this wasn't an interview question it was idle chit chat to pass the time. Conversations I've been part of with both male and female colleagues over the years. I think it is you being sexist in assuming that the Chairman wouldn't have asked a man. Why wouldn't he ? Confused I know ds has chatted with several people over the years about our arrangements.

juneybean · 18/12/2014 08:47

A man may not have been asked but a man probably would not have brought up the baby in the first place.

Yabu

skylark2 · 18/12/2014 08:52

" Had OP been a man, he'd have asked her about which department she was in and how her work was going."

Why, icimoi? Because that's what you would have asked a man?

Astonished by some of the reactions on here. Yes, people do talk about babies and childcare with men. It's normal. If you can't imagine it happening, you need to take a look at yourself and your own outdated, sexist attitudes.

No, I'm not in management. I'm at the level that management have conversations like this with.

Julius02 · 18/12/2014 08:53

Yabu. You mentioned the baby and are then offended when he asked you about it?! Ridiculous.

skylark2 · 18/12/2014 08:58

"your partner (if he's male) have been asked that question."

Slightly different because my partner is in management, but I know he's discussed childcare with his colleagues because that's where the recommendation for DD's playgroup came from.

She's 18, btw. I'm just gobsmacked that in 2014 people think it's so impossible that men could chat about childcare socially that it becomes sexist to chat about it with a woman.

royaldavescity · 18/12/2014 08:58

Yabu. You mentioned the baby first...he doesn't know you, and was just grasping at something to make some small talk.

JeanSeberg · 18/12/2014 09:07

but I know he's discussed childcare with his colleagues because that's where the recommendation for DD's playgroup came from

That's a completely different scenario than asking outright "who's looking after your child/ren?"

Mehitabel6 · 18/12/2014 18:47

I expect he asked because OP said she had to be very organised for Christmas which made it plain that her DH was not doing the childcare- therefore why not take an interest and ask who was doing it?

Floisme · 18/12/2014 18:54

I've just checked with my husband: he often talked about our son but he can't ever remember being asked what he was doing about childcare.

Mehitabel6 · 18/12/2014 19:01

I wouldn't even think it worth a discussion - he was just thinking of something to say. In one ear and out the other. I don't expect he wanted to discuss babies at all!

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