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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be irked at Chairman's question?

71 replies

Blankiefan · 17/12/2014 21:57

I was making polite chat today in the Christmas Lunch queue with the chairman of our company. Have never met him before and he doesn't know me. I'm a senior manager but not senior enough to be on his radar.

Chatting about Xmas and I mentioned having had a baby last year so had to be organised this year. Later in the chat he asked "so, where's the baby whilst you're at work?".

Clearly he wouldn't ask a bloke that. I'm irked - nothing more; but definitely irked... AIBU?

OP posts:

northernlurker · 17/12/2014 22:31

I'm in a management position and I would feel a bit irked but then again also I do expect my employer to consider favourably when I ask for reduced hours to do the school run. My end of the bargain is that I do full time work in 34 hours not 37.5+ but I'm still bringing my family responsibilities in to the workplace. My kids are school age now so it's obvious where they are and nobody would find it irksome to be asked 'what school do your kids go to'. Is that the older child version of the question the Op was asked though? I think not. The older child version is 'what happens to dd3 after school when you're at work' and that does irk me because nobody has EVER asked dh that question.

JeanSeberg · 17/12/2014 22:34

He was basically saying Why aren't you at home with your baby?

I have been asked this question several times sadly (Who's looking after your children) mostly when I'm away on business trips.

I find it sexist and offensive.

Leeds2 · 17/12/2014 22:35

I think he was trying to make polite conversation, going on from what you had said.

Nonboomer · 17/12/2014 22:35

You should really avoid talking to people in general if you're going to take offence at a question you are assuming (likely incorrectly) without evidence wouldn't have been asked of a man.

Icimoi · 17/12/2014 22:37

It's called 'small talk'. He didn't know you, didn't know anything about you, you told him that you had a baby, and he then discussed the only thing he knows about you.

But it isn't the only thing he knows about her. He knows she works in his company. Had OP been a man, he'd have asked her about which department she was in and how her work was going.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 17/12/2014 22:39

He was basically saying Why aren't you at home with your baby?

No. No he wasn't. He said what he said not something you have decided he said. That is precisely the sort of thing that does much more harm than good. I find it somewhat offensive that you can arbitrarily take what someone has said and change it into something else entirely.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/12/2014 22:39

Lol am I in a management position?

Not any more but I was for many years. Now I am a self-employed business consultant... specialising in Human Capital However, were I a manager I certainly would not "pull someone over" who was the company Chairman. I'd like to think I understand business a bit better than that.

In this particular situation of awkward small talk and the op volunteering the baby info I think subjects related to that are fine and that would include childcare. If the op had been a man and said what the op did I would still find it ok.

I think the best thing to do is to imagine the exact same conversation with the op being a man and saying the exact same things. Would it be different? Doubt it.

Vycount · 17/12/2014 22:40

Op - may I be the first to present you with a grip?
He was making polite conversation, and he picked up on you mentioning having a baby. Don't read something in that wasn't there.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 17/12/2014 22:42

It's so ingrained it's depressing

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/12/2014 22:42

I find that as a general rule, if you don't want people talking about your baby... don't talk about your baby!

JeanSeberg · 17/12/2014 22:42

I know for a fact it's never asked of a man as each time it's been asked I've been the only female manager in a group of up to 40 people, most also parents, yet never has anyone else been asked this.

TTTatty · 17/12/2014 22:43

I suspect as already said that a man wouldn't have talked about being organised because of the baby so once you brought it up it was fair game as small talk - if you hadn't already mentioned the baby then I doubt he would have gone down that road but you had so he did.

Viviennemary · 17/12/2014 22:47

YABU. It's called making conversation. What's wrong with taking an interest. You were the one that mentioned the baby he just carried on with the discussion. I despair sometimes. .

zzzzz · 17/12/2014 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 17/12/2014 22:57

OP, in your desire for an equal employment playing field, can I suggest your use of "chairman" be replaced with the gender neutral "chair"?

Back to main point, have always found over the years, if having a quick chit chat (as opposed to lengthy conversation/meeting) with senior people, it should be confined to work not family. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed with a comment like this if I'd mentioned DC first, mind you my last chair/CEO would definitely have asked this of a male as well as a female employee.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 17/12/2014 23:06

YANBU! I don't believe a man would have been asked the same question.

In fact - just asked DH - when the children crop up in conversation, he said people ask him 'what does your wife do?' or 'does your wife work?' - he has categorically never been asked 'so where's the baby while you're at work'.

Because people only ask women this.

VenusRising · 17/12/2014 23:09

I agree YesIDidMeanToBeSoRude, keep the personal stuff out of quick chats- it's not relevant.

Also you missed an opportunity to let him know how of are getting on in his company, and what you think about the business, and any ideas you may have- rather you chose to witter on about your baby. Lost opportunity.

I've worked as owner/ management in the past and didn't want to hear any personal stuff- just what I needed to know about the work my employees were doing.
Couldn't have given a hoot about what kind of childcare arrangements they had as I wasn't paying them to think about that, but I DID want to hear about their ideas for sales for eg, and the informal feedback from a market segment etc.

We had a drink most Fridays for personal stuff, but work is work, so yes, YABU and also, you started the convo about your baby.

PhaedraIsMyName · 17/12/2014 23:12

You are being far too touchy about this. You must be perfectly aware there are loads of SAHMs whilst SAHFs are much rarer.

If you have a 1 year old and are working then unless there is another parent at home you will have made childcare arrangements. I'd probably have asked the same question.

PhaedraIsMyName · 17/12/2014 23:14

Oh and as you started the conversation about babies I don't see this as anything more than politely responding to a (not terribly interesting) remark.

PhaedraIsMyName · 17/12/2014 23:17

Had OP been a man, he'd have asked her about which department she was in and how her work was going

Had OP been a man( or a female employee wanting to show her boss she is interested in her work/his company) the opening line wouldn't have been "I've had a baby"

anothernumberone · 17/12/2014 23:19

I think you opened up the conversation about children so for that reason only I would not be irked. If my boss randomly asked me about childcare I would be majorly pissed off.

fanjobiscuits · 17/12/2014 23:26

"Oh my God! The baybeeeee. Argggghhhh"

Primafacie · 18/12/2014 00:14

MovingOn, no need to be so sarky. Or to use so many emoticons and lol-spk.

As a Human Capital specialist, I'm surprised you cannot take on board that this type of comment is perceived by some people (myself included) as sexist. That is something you might consider advising your stakeholders of. That might be a valuable use of your time as consultant? Who knows.

That same conversation would simply not happen with a man.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/12/2014 00:33

Prima I would take you more seriously if you engaged with my points not my posting style.

Just for you, have a Do feel free to insert it next to the stick up your bottom

EBearhug · 18/12/2014 00:37

I agree a man wouldn't have been asked, as the assumption would probably be that the baby's mother would be doing the childcare.

Yes, the OP raised the subject of the baby, but he could have just asked about how the baby is, is everything going well - after all, if someone's at work, then they've got the childcare bit sorted, and if they haven't, they're unlikely to raise the point with a senior manager. But mostly, he could have asked about work.

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