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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him to get a move on?

31 replies

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 16:23

Hi all, new to mumsnet ??

Back story - DH is a carer for MIL who we live with. Now the 2 of them don't really get on that much, it's not unusual for me to be listening to them yell at each other on a regular basis. MIL doesn't actually need full time care but is a manipulative sod & has DH believing she does. As in anytime we go out/go away she throws a strop like a child & has him feeling guilty. The poor man can't do right for wrong with her. I really try to be supportive & help him out, it's kind of hard considering MIL is a complete bitch to me, I have given up being nice to her & just don't speak at all. Easy enough as we have seperate living areas. 5 years together, 3 years living in her house. Most of the time the atmosphere is horrible, them two fight, he comes in to me in a mood & I get the rage cos I don't see why we have to live like this. DH worries about money, I work & feel we could support ourselves. No DC's yet, TTC. He won't discuss what would happen if I were to get pg, head in the sand! Just says it won't be like this forever. I feel like I'm wasting time, I want a home of my own & I want us to do it together. I love my DH but he is not keen on change, I also suspect he just cant be bothered with the effort of it. I'm not happy living with MIL & there is no reason he couldn't visit daily & take care of anything she may need.
Now AIBU to tell him to stop pissing around & it's time to go or should I be more understanding/patient with him? He is an only child.
I hope that all makes sense!

OP posts:

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:26

Honestly why are you putting up with this?

Mmolly2013 · 17/12/2014 16:26

Omg how can you live like this. If I were you I would hunt for houses and give him the options tell him your serious tell him you'll move out alone if he doesn't come with you. Give him a dead line and stick to it.

Or have a serious sit down with mil and tell her if things don't change you's will move out and hire a home help instead to help her. Maybe she will see sense

You cannot bring a child into this

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:29

If she can't cope alone trying it on she'll have to go in a home.

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 16:30

MIL is in her 80's, I feel sorry for him because he has very little family & no one close by to help out. I used to do a lot until she kept throwing it back in my face & then I said f**k it & kept out of the way. She is the only thing we row over in a serious way.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 16:32

" No DC's yet, TTC."
Stop TTC! You need to get this sorted out first. Introducing a child into this bloody-awful situation is not a good idea.

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2014 16:32

Christ, please don't bring a child into this mess.
Find somewhere else to live and ask DH is he would like to come with you.
Get DH to get a job and hire a home help for your mil.

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 16:37

She is very stubborn, won't accept home help or go in a home. She could manage perfectly fine with DH on hand to help out with shopping, cooking, paying bills etc. She does not need personal care. Talking with MIL not an option, tried before & got before.
I'm quite easygoing usually but this is testing my limits, I know we need to go but he makes me feel so unreasonable when I try to talk to him. She is in her 80's etc, has no one else, blah blah. Don't get me wrong, he is a good husband just very blind when it comes to MIL

OP posts:

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:38

Two words, emotional blackmail.

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 16:40

If I were to get pregnant (it's not likely without help) then I would feel differently. I'd go with or without him, however atm I'd prefer us to be on the same side & want the same thing.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 17/12/2014 16:41

Are you living with MIL purely so DH can "care for her"

If she doesn't need to actually be cared for then problem solved but how can you see she doesn't need caring for and DH can't?

I agree, don't TTC in this horrible situation.

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 16:48

At the beginning no, I was still a student & it made financial sense. I don't mean she doesn't need care at all (sorry if that was unclear) she does, but she totally plays up to DH & makes out to be worse than she is. It's disgusting. Everything she needs could be easily achieved without us actually being under the same roof.
Furcoat - emotional blackmail? DH to me or MIL to DH? Or both?

OP posts:

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:53

Your Mil to dh.

HamPortCourt · 17/12/2014 16:53

But you aren't on the same side and don't want the same thing.

Are you seriously going to just sit there and wait it out?

What a waste of a life.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:54

Mil has dh were she wants him. Unless you make a stand, this will continue.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:55

I'd like to think I'd be out of there with or without him. And if there is slightest chance of you getting pg, put a stop to that. Dh needs to be a man.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 16:59

If she's in her 80's, how old is he?

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 17:02

Appreciate the responses.
I agree its completely daft to 'wait it out' I didn't even realise that is what I'm doing. I kind of got used to the situation & hardly noticed it getting progressively worse. A few things lately have brought it to a head & I find myself looking forward to work because I know I'll be out all night & sleep the next day so won't have to deal with any of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 17:08

MIL is 82

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 17:09

How old is your DH?

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 17:16

He is 31

OP posts:

NewEraNewMindset · 17/12/2014 17:20

She had your DH when she was fifty?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 17:23

That's a lot younger than I expected! And presumably it means she has been 'old' his entire life. Did he become her carer straight from leaving school (or even while still at school)? Has he ever been able to have a life away from her?

Sorry to sound so nosey, I'm just trying to fathom how he found himself in this situation, and how controlled by her he is likely to be (and therefore how hard it will be for him to step back from her).

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 17:32

Yep! 49/50. He was a 'surprise' they never planned children, she was pg for the 1st time at 42 & had a stillborn :-( was told she wouldn't be able to have anymore. Lo & behold DH comes along. He was nearly terminated.
Yes she has been 'old' most of his life & yes he has been a carer since shortly after school as she was diagnosed with cancer (which meant he left college to care for her) came through it & has nothing further in that respect although she is understandably nervous. DH cared for her through it all, when she needed a lot more help than she does now. When DH was very young his mum & dad split, he lived with dad up until his early teens, dad passed away a few years ago. Not nosey at all, ask away, I so need another perspective.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/12/2014 17:40

Do you think that she feels he 'owes' her? Not that he does, but is that the sort of pressure she puts him under?

Original poster

Married2012 · 17/12/2014 17:46

Most definately. Although I can't fathom what for. She will cast up small, stupid things such as buying him a takeaway!

OP posts:

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