To tell him to get a move on?

[Married2012]

Hi all, new to mumsnet ??

Back story - DH is a carer for MIL who we live with. Now the 2 of them don't really get on that much, it's not unusual for me to be listening to them yell at each other on a regular basis. MIL doesn't actually need full time care but is a manipulative sod & has DH believing she does. As in anytime we go out/go away she throws a strop like a child & has him feeling guilty. The poor man can't do right for wrong with her. I really try to be supportive & help him out, it's kind of hard considering MIL is a complete bitch to me, I have given up being nice to her & just don't speak at all. Easy enough as we have seperate living areas. 5 years together, 3 years living in her house. Most of the time the atmosphere is horrible, them two fight, he comes in to me in a mood & I get the rage cos I don't see why we have to live like this. DH worries about money, I work & feel we could support ourselves. No DC's yet, TTC. He won't discuss what would happen if I were to get pg, head in the sand! Just says it won't be like this forever. I feel like I'm wasting time, I want a home of my own & I want us to do it together. I love my DH but he is not keen on change, I also suspect he just cant be bothered with the effort of it. I'm not happy living with MIL & there is no reason he couldn't visit daily & take care of anything she may need.
Now AIBU to tell him to stop pissing around & it's time to go or should I be more understanding/patient with him? He is an only child.
I hope that all makes sense!

What does she think he owes her for? I'd guess at

• being born when she'd planned to be childless
• being born when she'd been told she couldn't have children
• being born when she was that old
• the divorce
• coming to stay with her when his father died
• needing his care during the cancer

Yes, I think it's possible there could be quite a well of resentment towards her son. Interesting that he lived with his dad post-divorce. Did she not want him? Or were there other reasons for that custody arrangement?

"She will cast up small, stupid things such as buying him a takeaway!"
Very petty. But in keeping with the picture I am building of her .

SO, he came to live with her in his early teens. Young enough for her to completely mess with his head, make him think that he has to put up with whatever shit she feels like handing out to him. And this has been going on for over a decade now. I wonder if he can see any escape from the life has in that house.

No other reasons that I'm aware of although if asked DH will say it's because she worked (as a nurse, awkward shifts) his father worked also so not too sure of the point there.
Yes I feel exactly the same & that she has ruined him. He has quite low self confidence which if you met her wouldn't surprise you. I do believe he feels he can't leave her & it stuck here. And I married him, I love him, but I wouldn't take this crap from my own mother & really feel I did my best to make it a better situation for him

"I love my DH but he is not keen on change, I also suspect he just cant be bothered with the effort of it."
"He has quite low self confidence"
"I do believe he feels he can't leave her & it stuck here."

OP, it might be worth reading up on 'Learned Helplessness' to get to grips with where your DH's head may be, because all those things you've posted suggest it to me. (Note, I am no expert on these things.)

Your original question was "Now AIBU to tell him to stop pissing around & it's time to go or should I be more understanding/patient with him?"
IMO, a bit of both. He's going to need help to 'break the spell' as it were, and he needs help with motivation. I don't really know what to suggest, other than professional counselling. Maybe a referral from his GP? The NHS is slow to provide though, they don't have enough trained staff in this area.

Bloody hell OP that gives me hope (TTC at 40!)

I hope this advice is helping you see things more clearly.

I'd be v concerned about his head being in the sand about 'it won't be like this forever' - then fast forward a few years to when you might have a family together and more head in sand behaviour when things are difficult.

Saying that, at 31 he sounds like he's handled a lot, been resilient and is now a bit worn done by your MIL. Surely leaving (together) and visiting is preferable to maintaining the status quo?

Thank you Whereyouleftit, I'll have a look.
NewEra - good luck! DH was totally unexpected.
Dottyne, yes it is helping very much. I think I let things carry on as I was used to it.
Much preferable to leave together & deal with her from afar, as an only child with no family near he has had to deal with it all. Perhaps a bit of patience & a realistic plan is the way to go. I think I will have a look at houses/budgets etc & sit him down and talk properly, without an arguement! It's hard to find a time when he's not stressed with her. I think I just needed an outsiders opinion. Thank you all.