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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask... Would you break up with a man that....

54 replies

IloveOreossx · 17/12/2014 14:16

-Makes you feel like shit.
-Makes you feel terrible for asking him to pass you a drink because he has a bad back and youre "Lazy"
-Always throws your past up at you, although his is alot more damning.
-Always says how much he does for you, yet disregards 99% Of what you do for him.
-drops hints that he will break up with you, then retracts it within a day.
-Calls you lazy if you refuse to do anything (ie, a PJ day or something) yet NEVER lifts a finger.
-Ignores you in favour of his PS4.
-Has lied to you 3 times in your relationship (14yrs)
-Never wants to spend time with you.
-Says he will spend time with you, then goes out for 9hrs with his brother.
theres more but I cant think of any atm... I'm really F**king hurting right now. I'm driving myself insane.

OP posts:
silveroldie2 · 17/12/2014 14:55

Why are you even asking? He won't change, they never do. You will never make him change. Kick his arse out and regain your self esteem. You don't need him, he contributes nothing positive. I know its scary but do it for you, you deserve better.

Come on OP - you can do it - for a better life.

HamPortCourt · 17/12/2014 14:59

Oh OP, you said it all when you wrote " I want him, but not like he is," what you mean I think is, "I don't want that one, I want the one I had in the beginning, or the one I imagined goddamit"

Unfortunately you can only deal with the reality of the man who sits before you now. This man who ignores, belittles and abuses you.

I would get rid of him and welcome in 2015 with a new sense of identity for yourself.

WhyTheFace · 17/12/2014 15:01

He won't change. Not ever.

Madamecastafiore · 17/12/2014 15:01

What are you going to have to cope with? Surely nothing can be as hard as coping with his shit?

Madamecastafiore · 17/12/2014 15:02

So call it a day.

You've waited 15 years at least for him to change.........

Pagwatch · 17/12/2014 15:07

"I want him but not like he is"

Think about that. That actually means you don't want him at all.
You want the man he could be if he wasn't a total utter dick.
But he is a total utter dick.

I would have left him 14 years ago.

Sallyingforth · 17/12/2014 15:07

This guy has got you just where he wants you - running after his every whim and giving you nothing but hurt in return.
The sooner you get rid of him the better you will feel.
He won't ever change, for the simple reason that he can't change his own basic nature.

UsedtobeFeckless · 17/12/2014 15:12

Is there anything you like about him as he is? Not how he might be? If not then dump him pronto.

Good luck.

Longdistance · 17/12/2014 15:20

You just need to kick the habit out on his sorry arse that's all he is. A habit, which you need to get rid of. He can't love you if he treats you like utter crap. You must know that...

isolemnlyswearthatimuptonogood · 17/12/2014 15:21

Without hesitation

PlumpingUpPartridge · 17/12/2014 15:22

op, are you the one who posted about getting a bad response to a gift?

If so, please leave this fuckwitty bastard. The short-term pain will be massively offset by the relief you will feel in a year's time.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 17/12/2014 15:23

Stop being a door mat and bin him. Am surprised you even need to ask after reading that list. I cannot understand on any level why on earth even 50% of you wants to stay with him.... why? You clearly know what a twat he is. Are you fearful of being alone? You might just surprise yourself and realise how dreadful he was when you have got rid.

beautyfades · 17/12/2014 15:24

Realistically I would get Xmas out the way then get rid luv. Life's far too short to put up with that. Please do it.

Number3cometome · 17/12/2014 15:26

The fact you are hear asking says he is wrong for you.

I've been where you are, and now I am happy.

The other side is not that far away x

Original poster
IloveOreossx · 17/12/2014 15:43

No im not the one who posted about the bad gift reaction(although that guy is a dickhead fairplay). I'm the one who posted about being ignored in favor of a PS4. I'm just sat here at my mums crying my eyes out because I know what I have to do and its breaking my heart.

OP posts:
ExpectantGran · 17/12/2014 15:44

Speaking from experience I walked away from a 23 year old marriage from a man that always talked down to me and treated me like his "little girl" even though we had two teenagers of our own at the time - when he called our girls parasites then the rose coloured specs began to fall but I didn't leave for another eight years until I knew that the three of us were planning to all go away (the girls to Uni, me to a flat to live alone) - give it alot of thought and if what you want is to move on with your life then be brave and go ahead and do just that - after all your happiness is at stake.

Good luck

PlumpingUpPartridge · 17/12/2014 15:46

Sorry, my mistake.

Please leave this arse. You're sad about losing what you hoped to have, not about losing him IYSWIM (or at least I think that's probably how you're feeling).

PlumpingUpPartridge · 17/12/2014 15:49

Oh my goodness, I've just realised why I recognised your username.

Don't just dump him, dump his whole horrible family. Please.

SparkleZilla · 17/12/2014 15:50

sweetie - you are worth so much more than him - do yourself a favour and end it - move on (keep us updated)

Original poster
IloveOreossx · 17/12/2014 15:52

I think youre right PUP. Or at least partially. Also for what I had before if you know what i mean. He hasnt always been this way.
I miss sleeping on his chest, Being and feeling loved, Having silly inside jokes. Being a family. I miss all of that. I think i'd walk over hot coals to have that back and to have the man I love back but hes changed. everytime I think of him I think of the above, The good times. Rose tinted specs, if you will. I only need to spend a min thinking to remember Its not the same anymore and its breaking my heart. I know I must seem so pathetic and stupid to some of you, Youre probably thinking "bloody hell girl leave already" I know it IS that simple, from the outside looking in. Its much harder when youre in that situation (which some of you know) I guess I need to have a good cry in bed then start shifting his ass out

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 17/12/2014 15:52

Sweetheart you could be so, so much happier. I promise.

It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it will also be the most positive step you will ever take.

This "man" (and by God do I use the term loosely) is an arsewipe.

Original poster
IloveOreossx · 17/12/2014 15:53

"youve waited 15 years for him to change?!" Nope. Hes not always been like this. far far far from it. worlds apart. the change started 3yrs or so ago and has gotten alot worse in the last 6 months.

OP posts:
MrsPepperMintonCandyCane · 17/12/2014 15:55

Oreos I know it seems the hardest thing to imagine but you will be much happier if you get him out of your life. You deserve to be in a partnership where you are respected, where you are equals and feel loved. None of this is happening currently. He won't change. But you can be happy if you end it.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 17/12/2014 16:00

Nope, I do understand how hard it is to move when you're not quite emotionally there; you rationally know what you should do but you don't viscerally FEEL it just yet.

I tend to trust my brain over my gut as I have got a history of crappy family relationships - I do what I know is rationally the best choice and wait for my gut to catch up with me! It generally does Grin

Or try another tack: picture a long life ahead of you (say 20 years) with this man AS HE IS NOW.

Now does that make you happy, or shudder? Your response may help you decide.

BuzzardBirdRoast · 17/12/2014 16:16

I take it you have tried to communicate with him over how you feel? Counselling? Anything?

If so, he is happy as he is and will only get worse.